Thursday, September 30, 2010

Crystal Fright

Crystal Nascars® showcase your love of auto racing. The ultimate Nascar® fan will love these intricately detailed, commemorative cars. Each car comes with a matching black stand and features a replica of the driver's autograph. Makes a great gift or addition to any collection. Choose from #24 Jeff Gordon, #8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and #48 Jimmie Johnson. $29.99

Eat your heart out, Waterford. 

Taylor Gifts

Calling Dickhead Tracy!

Watch phone will forever change the way you communicate! Straight out of hi-tech spy films, this dual watch/touch-button communicator features built-in microphone and speakers for crystal clear conversations anywhere. Easy to use. Simply insert a SIM card (not included, available at your phone or major electronics store) and start dialing. Features three-hand analog digital watch face, six-hour talk time, USB battery charging and more. Includes USB charging cable, earphones for hands free calling and instructions.

You know, I can't think of a better way to get the shit beaten out of me on the Long Island Railroad.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't Give Them Any Ideas


Delta Technology presents the iArm, the forearm mount that gives you, well, an extra arm. Just 4.5 lbs and fully adjustable, the iArm lets you take your favorite gadget with you. And with the optional "multi-mount", you can secure up to three items at once. Attaches to tablet PCs, eReaders, remotes & more!

Only $19.99!!*

via Gizmodo
website from Prankpack.com

Thanks to Daniel for the tip!

*Sure, there's no real price, but doesn't every piece of shit gadget cost $19.99?

Perfect Fatty

Prepare & serve delicious, stuffed gourmet burgers! Just fill this patty-shaping form with ground meat and your choice of fillings: cheese, onions, mushrooms, peppers, bacon, you name it! Give a squeeze to form a perfectly round, sealed patty, toss on the grill and enjoy! Includes instructions, recipes and plastic spatula. Dish­washer-safe plastic. 4-1/2" diam. x 1-3/4" H. $9.98

Read my review, below!


(note: this is a real review that I submitted to the Harriet Carter website. Let's see how fast it gets rejected)

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(Harriet Carter)

No, Really. You Shouldn't Have

8-in-1 men’s groomer set has everything a guy needs to look his best! Includes a mustache/beard shaver, neckline/sideburn trimmer, nose/ear/eyebrow trimmer, two hair trimming attachments, comb, cleaning brush, blade oil and stand. Compact for travel. Uses 2 AAA batteries (not incl.). Stand measures 3-5/8" diam.

Filed under "Gifts" at HarrietCarter.com. Because nothing says, "Happy Birthday! Oh, and by the way, you're an unkempt, sloppy, hairy monkey of a bastard who needs to take a bath in a tub full of Nair, but I only had $12.98 to spend on you, so here you go."

(Harriet Carter)

Wealthy Wednesdays: Furniture Edition

Welcome to Wealthy Wednesdays, where we spotlight one item from a high-end catalog that will surely make you want to kill yourself.

Here is a lovely console table from Scully and Scully.

Rectangular top incurved in center with rounded corners and staight ends. Two-piece butt marched swirly figured mahogany veneer top. Flush fitting drawer with raised center plaque of short grain tulipwood and crotch mahogany oval. Satinwood inset at top of legs with tulipwood border. 66"w x 21"d x 36"h.

Pretty, right? And it's only $5200! I'll take two, please.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

And Away Goes Money Down the Drain

Decorative Sink strainers make dishwashing more cheery and less dreary! Stainless steel strainers with rubber stoppers feature colorful accents that make your sink come alive. Keeps water in sink yet drains easily as it strains food particles which can clog pipes. Each 3-1/2" x 2". $5.98

Hmm, you could buy this decorative sink strainer to brighten up your mood while you hand wash dishes...or, you could stop buying shit like this and save up for a fucking dishwasher.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Designed by Michael Scott



Cubicaller® doorbell Tired of co-workers entering your cubicle without asking first? Startled when unannounced guests tap you on your shoulder? Cubicaller® doorbell allows guests to civilly announce their arrival. Features three volume levels and 12 sounds such as door chime, bird call, foghorn, funky drum, antique car horn, alien laser, 80's keyboard and more . Perfect office party gift. Includes adhesive squares. Requires 2 AAA batteries, included. Plastic, 2 3/4 x 3/4". $19.98

So many questions.  
What about the rest of the cubicle dwellers?  Will they feel left out?
How will that sound throughout the day with 19 doorbells going off randomly? 
How many of these will still be attached by the end of the first week?
How many employees will be left after suggesting their boss ring first?

Beehives Are Back, I Swear

Hair stylists clock makes a great gift for your favorite salon professional or barber. Ideal to use at work to keep track of time during appointments. Clever design depicts stylists' favorite tools: scissors, comb, brush, flat iron and hair dryer. Requires one button cell battery, included. Metal, 4 x 2 x 2 3/4".

Talk about not knowing your target market. How many gay hair stylists are going to have to exact revenge on their clients upon receiving this?

Friday, September 24, 2010

If a Piece of Shit Falls in the Forest


Bring the natural beauty of the rainforest indoors. Transform your indoor space into a breathtaking, exotic landscape with the lighted rainforest waterfall fountain. Relax in a natural setting as you absorb the soothing sounds of flowing water paired with the bright colors and lush greens of the jungle. Enjoy the life like detail. Great for landscape design. Lightweight and durable. Includes light and pump. Fiberglass, 14 x 7 x 9". $69.99

Christmas is three months away.  It's never to early to shop for the people you hate.

It's Prettier with Cataracts


A marquise-cut smoky topaz crystal is set in a charming leaf design. Antique goldplated ring with crystal accents.

I know this is only $8.97, but it still looks like something found in the grass outside a retirement home in Florida in 1985.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

At Least There's Plenty of Room for Presents

Fantasy Tree
Bring your holiday vision to life with fantasy trees. The unique design is completely color coordinated, from the PVC tips to the pre-strung mini lights to the light wire. It's all done in one sensational shade for a striking statement! $59.98

Gee, I didn't know so many people fantasized about recreating Charlie Brown's Christmas tree with pipe cleaners.

Because Money Grows on Trees, Too


Candy Corn Willow Tree

Who knew candy corn grew on trees! A sweet hostess gift, a clever harvest time centerpiece, 18" H tree features cascades of realistic branches filled with luscious-looking treats. Not edible.

To the potential buyer of this item, please note that it is, in fact, completely edible. Enjoy!

Weight Loss Ring Really Works!

Weight Loss Ring
For years, the Japanese have applied pressure on different fingers to target weight loss in specific problem areas. Now this adjustable, acupressure ring lets you do the same! One size fits most.

Directions:
1. Pucker out lips
2. Slip ring over lips
3. Pull ends of ring in opposite directions to tighten
4. Enjoy weight loss.

It's Just a Glorified Traffic Cone You Know


Expandable Tree with 150 lights (6 1/2' model) already attached! Ideal for tree-less lawns! Then, simply "accordion" fold down flat for storage! Snap-on star, pole, 6 stabilizing stakes included. 105 lights on the 5' model.

Okay, I'm just gonna say this once and hope that it sticks:

Tacking a star on top and selling it at Christmas doesn't make it a tree.

Because That Monitor Isn't Ugly Enough

Monitor topper surrounds your computer monitor with your favorite photos. Decorate your desk even when space is limited. Enjoy looking family, friends, pet, vacation, or other cherished photos while you work at the computer. Also includes handy pencil/pen holder and three drawers for smaller office supplies. Plastic, 15 x 4 1/2 x 4 1/2".

"Decorate your desk even when space is limited." Maybe you wouldn't need this ugly piece of shit if you weren't using a gigantic computer monitor from 1996.  

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Slim Storage Tower with Hamper Wants You Dead

Slim Storage Tower™ with Hamper creates space in bathroom for toiletries, blow dryer, bath supplies and more on three mesh metal shelves with small towel bar. Hamper with removable bag tilts forward for easy laundry access. Ideal for condos and apartments. Some assembly required. Steel, 11 x 19 x 661/2".

"Removable bag tilts forward for easy laundry access."

Hmm. What do you think is going to happen when you tilt that bag forward?

A) The weight of 30lbs of dirty laundry will send the entire rack hurtling toward your face.
B) It will rock violently, but not fall.
C) It will collapse long before then. 

D) I won't be able to tell you because I will have died after getting impaled by cheap Made in China tubing coated in lead-based white paint.