Saturday, November 20, 2010


Treasure Chest Opens to a Special Gift...a Guardian Angel! Bring a smile to a friend with this precious crystal angel tucked inside a lacy chest. When chest is opened, praying angel with golden accents delivers cheery words to brighten a day! Angel is 1 1/2" tall, chest is 2 3/4" x 2 1/2" x 2 1/4". Keepsake is truly a gift from the heart.

A gift from the heart? More like a gift from China. But I digress...

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but when I look at this, all I see an angel rising out of a coffin. (Your experience may vary)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Ugliest Fucking Rain Boots Ever Created

Low Rider Rain Boots. French cowgirl rain boots? Yes! Sleek Western styling—check out those pull-tabs!—takes on an Impressionistic coloration in the coolest rubber rain boots we've ever seen. 2" stack-style heels. Imported. Women's medium-width whole sizes 6-10; half sizes, order next larger size. $49.95

Makes a great gift for that annoying, overly optimistic, fashion-backward shopaholic in your life.

Buck Shit

"I don't shoot INNOCENT animals... only the ones that look GUILTY!", effectively proving that all hunters have hearts of gold and are simply hunting for the greater good of mankind. Olive green in color, this comfy, 100% heavyweight pre-shrunk cotton knit tee is perfect for almost every occasion - It sports a signature Buck Wear emblem on the left chest, and with its tongue-in-cheek caption you will certainly be the center of attention.

If this doesn't get you featured on People of Walmart, then nothing will.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tick, Tock, Shit, Clock

Silverware Kitchen Clock: Perhaps the most appropriate– and creative– kitchen clock ever! A perfect gift for anyone who loves to cook, the silver face is surrounded by silverware. Even the hands are a knife and fork. Metal/ plastic. Req. 1 "AA" battery (not included). 15"Dia. $14.99

Every time I see this type of clock, I imagine that it was originally a one of a kind $250,000 monster created by some snotty, high-end American designer with food issues in 1962 to make a statement about world hunger and silver mining.  After it ended up enshrined at the Museum of Modern Art, generations of fakes and imitators caused it to devolve into the world of $14.99 shitty Made-in-China clocks at websites like Collectors Etc.

Or maybe I've seen The Devil Wears Prada one too many times.

Regretsy Bait

Vines—leaves—blossoms! Intricate, handworked patchwork embroidery blankets the front of this folk-art hoodie, fitted with twin pockets and front zipper. 100% cotton. Hand washable. Imported. Color: Blue/Multi. Sizes: S, M, L, XL, XXL. (XXL) $59.95 gag-tacular.

DETECTIVE: Can you describe what the robber was wearing?

BANK TELLER: It was some kind of... oh my God, it was horrifying. I can't!

DETECTIVE: Yes you can, just take your time. What was the robber wearing?

BANK TELLER: It was as if someone dyed a hooded sweat shirt too look like an ugly denim jacket and then covered the front with everything they could find from the fabric aisle at Michaels.

DETECTIVE: We will find this monster and put her away. You have my word.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Oooooh, Thports!

The most practical and useful gift to give to any die-hard NFL sports enthusiast. This three-piece rectangular plastic food container set features silicone rubber lids with clear see thru side walls. Your favorite teams logo decal sticker is centered on the top of each lid. Choose from 6 available teams: Steelers, Cowboys, Patriots, Giants, Jets, and Packers. Can be used to store food, or other items such as craft necessities, kids pens/pencils, or other odds and ends. Includes three sizes: Large: 9-1/4" x 6-1/4" x 3-1/4"; Medium: 8-1/4" x 5-1/2" x 2-1/2"; Small: 6-3/4" x 4-1/2" x 2". Lid is not safe for dishwasher or microwave - remove from bottom before heating. BFA Free.

Finally, now the men can play along when their wives are selling Tupperware.

Too Bad Moths Don't Eat Cotton

Daughter-In-Law Afghan tells the gal who captured your son's heart that she has a place in yours, too. Beautiful, soft woven throw features top-quality needlework, a colorful floral design, fringed border, and a loving sentiment she'll treasure always. 60" x 46". Made in USA of 100% cotton. $29.99

Linda: Hi, Melanie! Thanks for coming over!

Melanie: I'm so glad to see you again, it's been a while.

Linda: Oh my God. What the hell is that on your wall?

Melanie: Please. It's a daughter in law afghan.

Linda: A what-the-fuck what?

Melanie: Joe's mother caught me throwing out all the stupid sappy cards she kept sending me every other week, so this is my punishment.

Linda: (opens purse) Here's the number to my divorce lawyer.

Harriet Carter

Monday, November 15, 2010

Enablers Rejoice!

Over-door snack holder stores snack bags for easy access and maximum convenience. Metal frame mounts over any kitchen or pantry door with included hooks. Attached clasps hold up to 6 snack bags up and out of way. Frees up valuable cabinet and counter space! Keeps chips, pretzels and other snacks fresh. Chrome finish.16-3/4" x 13-3/4".

Because GOD FORBID your morbidly obese 7 year old can't find the Doritos fast enough.

Harriet Carter

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ready, Aim...

Brighten up your doorway with the lighted holiday wreath! It has 35 bright white lights to decorate your home and add a little holiday cheer. UL listed. Great for both indoor and outdoor decorating. 14" diameter. 27" cord plugs into any outlet. 14.95

Really, how could this be mistaken for anything else - like, say, sagging furry crosshairs?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Rope for a Dope

Terry soap sponges turn soap scraps into luxurious lather! Don’t toss away thin slivers of soap. Just slip ’em into the pocket of these handy sponges for quick lathering “soap on a rope”! After bathing simply hang and let air-dry. Set of 3 poly foam sponges with 100% polyester covers in assorted colors. Ea. 5¼". #6.98

God, people are so stupid. Who is tossing soap scraps? Take a new bar out of the linen closet, wet it and slap the scraps into it. They will stick. Done. there, I just saved you seven dollars.

Harriet Carter

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Kitty Melon

Kitty tissue box cover transforms an ordinary cube tissue box purr-fectly! Slip-on cover adds charm to any room with its whimsical cat motif. Elasticized straps at bottom fit snugly around cube-style boxes; wide slit at top dispenses tissues. Poly/cotton blend. Imported. 7" x 6¾" x 5".


Harriet Carter

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Not For Sale in New York City

Laundry room magnetic decal will help you kick the “wash day” blues with its cute and colorful clothesline scene. Attaches instantly to the front of a top-loading washer or dryer—or other metal surface. Flexible poly/vinyl material with magnetic backing removes easily; won’t mar appliance surfaces. 26" L x 16½" H. $10.85

I would love to attach one of these to my building's washing machine and wait for the reactions of the chronic complainers in my coop.

"Is that coming out of my maintenance bill?"

"I'm allergic to magnets!"

"My cleaning lady can't read English.  Is there a Spanish version?"

"Clotheslines destroy the environment because they are made from rope, which comes from the Amazon rainforest."

Is It Strong Enough for Me to Hang Myself?

Hang your stocking under your favorite holiday photo! Photo frame is 3 ½” X 5” and can be displayed horizontally or vertically. Santa’s sleigh clips on top of the frame.

When I saw this, my fists clenched and I yelled, "Fucking why?" at the computer screen. What a useless, redundant piece of shit. I mean, really. If you have a mantle, then chances are you already have a ton of pictures crowding it. But by all means, get this ugly piece of shit that looks like something you'd find on Regretsy.

Direct Source

Monday, November 08, 2010

Crossing the Line of Taste

This cross is a great way to show your faith. Display it proudly on any mantle, table or shelf. The cross delivers a brilliant light show. Makes a great gift! On/off button. Runs on 3 "AAA" batteries. $5.95

What a great way to show your faith - by buying a cheap, plastic, battery powered light up disco cross. And why the fuck is it in a bubble? Does it have a contagious disease or something?

Direct Source

Because Filling The Bowl Less Frequently is NOT an Option

BOWL KEEPS DOGS & CATS FROM WOLFING DOWN THEIR FOOD! Specially-designed bowl features 4 raised prongs that force pets to eat food slower and chew at a leisurely pace. Pets digest food better, feel full sooner and make less mess. No more choking or vomiting, either. Ideal for moist or dry food. Features a no-tip design with non-slip bottom. Dishwasher-safe plastic.

Finally! My cats are always eating. Fucking moochers! You know what? I was going to buy this, but I just can't wait to teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe I'll throw some nuts and bolts in their bowl tonight. They won't want to eat as much after they're missing a few teeth.  That'll learn em.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Defeating the Purpose

This decorative wall piece is fun and artistic. Bring out your creative side with this inspired stained glass decor. Circular in design, this wall sculpture features geometric shapes, vase and bowl designs, as well as an elegant color palette. Features hand painted finish, three dimensional construction and crafted from metal for durability. Measures 21.25" W x 3" D x 21.25" tall. No assembly required. *Extra $5 shipping. $59.98

Bring out your creative side? How, by buying some hideous generic abstract wall art that was probably Made in China? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being creative?

source: Get Organized

This Should Bring Those Divorce Rates Down

Color-changing angel spreads peace and joy throughout your home! Crystal-look praying angel softly glows and changes colors from clear to purple, red, green, blue and orange to create a serene, peaceful aura in your home. Makes a unique holiday gift, too. Lightweight acrylic. 2 button cell batteries included. 3-3/4" H.

FRAN: Hey, Bob?

BOB: What is it Fran?

FRAN: I'm tired of fighting. I think we need some peace and joy in this house.

BOB: You finally leaving?

FRAN: No, you fat bastard, look at this color changing angel. It's only 6 bucks.

BOB: Just get the hell out of this house.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Not for Use on Cobblestone Roads

Plug-in car heater warms targeted areas while driving or camping. Plugs into a car lighter to provide 150 watts of heat, perfect for a car floor or dashboard. Sixteen-foot cord helps provide added comfort for front or back seat passengers. Plastic, 7 x 6 x 3". $14.99

You May Also Like:

1. Burn Cream

2. Double sided tape

3. A new car with working heat


Tonight on A&E...

Funny tin "What's Wrong with Being Born in a Barn?" sign illustrates a nonchalant attitude about clutter. The beautiful, decorative sign is the ideal gift for friends who have a sense of humor. Use indoors or outdoors. Features artwork from Persis Clayton Weirs. Lightweight, sturdy and easy to hang. Tin, 12 1/2 x 1/4 x 16".

I'm waiting for some indignant slob on Hoarders to hang this in their living room and point to it when the professional organizer/psychotherapist shows up.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Wealthy Wednesdays: Cufflink Edition

Enamel and 18k gold cufflinks made and handpainted in England. The t-bar closure is a detailed gold fish as shown at right. 1"w x 5/8"h.

My God. $6,500 for one pair of cufflinks. I would be terrified that someone who chop my hands off to get to them.

Scully and Scully

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Dignity Sold Seperately

Air Freshener can holder conveniently hooks over the side of your toilet tank to keep aerosol cans out of the way but easily accessible. Elim­i­nates clutter and fumbling. Holds one standard size can. 7½" L with hook.

Ah, because nothing says "I'm too cheap to install a vent fan in my bathroom," and "My shits take the paint off the walls" at the same time.

Harriet Carter

Monday, November 01, 2010

Why Kids Run Away

Because each daughter and daughter- in-law is special, these lovely afghans arrive personalized for her alone. Beautifully embroidered and woven of 100% cotton. Specify names: first line—limit 24 letters/ spaces; second line—limit 4 letters/spaces; third line—limit 24 letters/spaces. Machine wash and dry. 62"Lx47"W. Please allow 3-4 weeks for delivery. No express shipping. Made in the USA.

I don't know who to feel worse for. The girls who are going to get this, or the parents who will be victims of text exchanges like this:



Miles Kimball

Because Ovens Aren't Dangerous Enough

3-Tier Oven Rack expands your cooking space. It’s just what you need when preparing a meal for a family get-together or for the holidays. Innovative design lets you bake up to 3 of your favorite dishes…while leaving room for the roasting pan. Perfect for keeping multiple dishes warm as you carve a roast or turkey. Bottom and center shelf accommodate bakeware up to 3¾” high. Dishwasher safe. Folds flat for storage. Made of nichel-chrome plated steel. 10¾” W x 10¼” H x 14½” L. $15.98

What a great idea! Let's add a teetering rack with three scaling hot casseroles and wait to see what happens when someone pulls out that bottom rack out to baste the turkey. What could possibly go wrong?