Sunday, October 31, 2010

Ugly Ring Sunday #4 - Mommie Dearest

Beautifully celebrating a mother’s bond with her children, our ring is hand set with sparkling Austrian crystal birthstones--one for each precious gem who lovingly calls her “Mom”. Richly plated in 14k gold over brass, it’s a unique circle of love when custom crafted to symbolize her family. A Heart Trio pin accompanies this keepsake gift. Specify up to 7 birth months. $29.99 (Mother Ring)

In addition to the free pin, it should come with a wire hanger, for beating the child who gave you this hideous, crooked ring.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Gray Skies Are Gonna Clear Up...

Auto escape key chain Two-in-one key chain may save your life when panic sets in and you have just seconds to react. Free yourself from your vehicle in moments with a protected knife blade that can cut through a seat belt. Spring-loaded metal punch will shatter a window. Buy one for yourself and a loved one. Polyester ABS plastic, 7 x 3 1/2 x 7". $14.98

Not only will the auto escape key chain save you from certain death, but it will also brighten your day! Gray skies instantly turn to a lovely shade of blue with just a flick of the spring-loaded metal punch!

Easy Fake Oven

Energy-efficient super mini toaster oven cooks meals for one or two using minimal counter space. Features the capabilities of a regular toaster oven with a 150°-450°F range in temperature, variable toasting function, 15 minute timer and “stay on” warming function. Includes wire rack and 6 1⁄4"sq. baking pan. ETL listed. 12"L x 7"W x 7 1⁄2"H. $39.99

Yeah, this looks safe.  Aside from the fact that this looks like it was made out of an old hat box, and would struggle to fit a single slice of white bread, are you really going to trust a forty dollar kitchen appliance with NO name?  How will you know who to blame when it catches fire on the first day out of the box?

Here are some suggestions for naming this death trap:
Toasted Recall
Kitchen Inferno
Easy Fake Oven

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Get Your Game Face Off My Tree

Put Your Game Face On… Your Trees! Officially licensed forest face, made of weather-resistant resin and measuring 7" by 12", sports your team's cap and official logo. Each piece comes with a durable hook to make hanging easy. NFL, MLB and Collegiate teams available. Specify team code. Please allow 2 weeks for shipping.

Really? What the fuck is wrong with you sports fans that you need this kind of shit bolted to your tree? Keep it in the house. No one really gives a shit which sports team you waste all your money on.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wealthy Wednesdays: Dining Edition

Welcome to another exciting edition of Wealthy Wednesdays, where we feature an item from an upscale catalog that none of us would ever buy.

Animal Napkin Ring
The sophisticated side of safari makes an appearance at the table with these sculptural napkin rings. Each is crafted in South Africa of mukwa wood and pewter. Choose elephant, warthog, hippo, or zebra below.

Oh, you like them? You'll take the set? Well, brace for impact, kiddo. These are $52.00. Each.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Frosting is Made with Real Boogers!

Two Flavor Checkerboard baking pan makes you look like a culinary master. Amaze your friends and family with a fun design that'll have 'em all baffled at your brilliance. The secret is the insert. So simple, kids can do it. Aluminum, 9 x 9 x 1 /2".  $19.98

See that? KIDS can do it. Kids with (usually) dirty hands. Just remember that the next time someone brings a home-made novelty cake to the office.

English Teacher's Nightmare

I don't know, I think there's a subliminal message in the copy for this product, aside from the pathetic writing.

Scone Pans
For scones with a crisp, flaky tops and delicate, melt-in-your-mouth middles, you need this heavy duty cast aluminum pan for scones. This pan for scones is divided into eight wedges (mini pan: 16 bite-sized wedges) for perfect scones with all-over baking. Scones pans are dishwasher safe. Recipes for delicious scones is included. $34.99

Walter Drake

Monday, October 25, 2010

Happy Anniversary to My Stressed Out Wife

Butterfly fountain The soothing sounds of flowing water feature will quickly become the focal point of any living space. Plug it in and start relaxing! Adorned with finely detailed butterflies. Varying speeds and on/off switch. Comes in a colorful gift box, ideal for anniversary, birthday or shower gifts. Hand crafted porcelain, 9 x 5 1/2 x 7 1/2". $39.98

Photoshop: It will bring Niagra Falls to Your House

Taylor Gifts

Babies Shouldn't Fly

TUGO™ Travel Cup Holder offers hands free convenience, securely suspending your coffee, soft drink or baby bottle between the upright bars of rolling luggage. Pliable design accommodates various sized cups. Add mesh base for storing standard 20 oz drinks, cans and water bottles. Fast and easy to secure. Dishwasher safe. Styrene, 4 x 2". $6.99

Because when I fly, I don't mind waiting five minutes for the inconsiderate asshole ahead of me to take their sweet ol time putting their carry on bags in the overhead compartment.   Waiting another ten minutes for some high-maintenance dipshit to fiddle with this baby bottle holder is no problem at all. 

source: Get Organized

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Ugly Ring Sunday #3 - I Will Not Insult My Daddy's Taste

Give Dad a gift of style and sentiment with our gold onyx ring personalized with sparkling Austrian crystal birthstones--one for each child, grandchild or other cherished family member. A stunning look he’ll love forever, our ring shines in rich, 14k gold over brass, set with "DAD" showcasing the genuine black onyx center. Specify up to 6 birth months. Specify men’s ring size: 9-12. Allow 3-4 weeks for delivery. No express shipping. $39.99 (Dad Ring)

When I showed this ring to a coworker, she asked me if it was a blackboard, which would be apt, because I would recommend punishment for this.  

I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly Forty Dollar Rings for Dad 
I Will Not Buy Fugly For...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Fiber Optic Fridays: Filet o' Shit

Collectible Fisherman's Tabtetop: Your favorite fisherman may not be much of a decorator, but he's sure to find a prominent place to put this plaque. A bass surrounded by mini fiber optic lights jumps from the water backdrop, while the "fishing reel" collectible knife with resin sculpted handle has been artistically decorated with a full-color image of a fish on its stainless steel blade. Req. 2 "AA" batteries (not incl.). Resin base measures: 7 3/4"L x 5"D x 7"H. Knife: 8 1/4"L. $9.97

This battery operated, fiber optic oceanic nightmare is sure to be a highly sought after collectible in about never years - worth many times it's current value of ten dollars, so get yours now!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Time's Up Grim Reaper LCD Alarm Clock - The bell tolls for thee when the Grim Reaper stands with stately sickle near a brushed, silver-toned metal LCD alarm clock featuring weekday, date, temperature and multi-sound alarm. Cast in quality designer resin, this exclusive is the perfect gift for anyone who craves a little more shut eye! Batteries included. 5"W x 1 1/2"D x 5 1/2"H. $14.99

A not so subtle reminder to say your prayers before you go to bed, otherwise you're NEVER GOING TO WAKE UP!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Cheaper Than Hormone Therapy!

White Shoulders Perfume A classic scent for the woman who wants to feel totally feminine. .25 oz. $8.49

Ladies, do you often feel less than feminine? I mean, do you look in the mirror and see nothing but Paul Bunyan in a nightie? Well stop feeling sorry for yourself and let the magic of White Shoulders perfume take you from John Goodman to Sophia Loren! Take if from Stumpy!


But, It's Personalized!

Our ultra-contemporary personalized Modern Times round desk clock will guarantee he is never late for that important appointment. Fashioned in rich silver and ebony, this personalized clock is both versatile and attractive. With both analog and digital display, the clock features glass face cover and black leather face. Other key features include Quartz movement, a second hand, digital alarm, timer and date setting, making this multi functional clock an ideal gift for today's executive. Engraved with the initials of the recipient, the Modern Times desk clock is a great graduation, Father's Day or groomsmen gift. Measures 4 1/4" x 4 1/4" x 3/4". Personalized with up to three initials. $49.98

Yes, this tiny desk clock is a must-have for the business man who can't tell time because he works alone, in an abandoned city, in a building with no clocks, microwave, or digital telephones.  He also left his watch at home, his desktop computer just crashed, he lost his laptop, his Blackberry fell in the toilet and his cell phone battery died - all at the same time and right before that big, important meeting, too!  Oh, no!  Hurry up and get him this clock so he can tell time!   Order now!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Buttons Are For Suckers

8-in-1 touch screen remote Controls any TV! Versatile, universal remote is designed to control your home TV, VCR, satellite TV, DVD player, audio equipment and more. Simple one-touch activity control does it all. Lightweight for ease of operation. Includes Auto Quick Search function. Uses 2 AAA batteries (not incl.) $15.98

Because buttons are so hard, let's replace them with a fussy, unreliable 16 dollar touch screen that will probably shatter when dropped.

(Harriet Carter)

Wealthy Wednesdays: Fragile Vases Edition

Welcome to Wealthy Wednesdays, where we feature one high-end item that will make you spit out your plebeian morning coffee.

This week's edition of Wealthy Wednesdays features a pretty vase from Waterford.

"1960s Johnstown Castle" Vase
Stunning enough to stand on its own, this footed vase showcases floral displays in grand style. Made in Ireland.

When I finally get around to producing that remake of War of the Roses, I am going to have several of these for smashing against the wall. What the hell, they're only $10,000 each.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Now Go Make Me Coffee!

Have your own light show with this magical, color-changing clock! It glows in ever-changing pastel hues, and features an easy-to-read LCD of time, date, day, and room temperature. Choose from 2 options to waken you-a flashing light or a sound alarm with 8 song choices. Function buttons on bottom. Colored lights can be turned off for sleeping. Uses 4 AAA batteries (not included). Plastic. 3 1/8" sq.

You know, I often look at my alarm clock and scream, "Damm it! Don't just sit there! Entertain me! Change color! What's the temperature outside? Do something, you lazy fuck!" I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore.

Catalog Favorites

Or, You Could Put Them In Your Pocket

Keep rings safe while washing dishes. Ring saver soap dish secures rings while you wash dishes, shower or bathe to prevent them from getting washed down the drain. Soap dish holds soap or sponge and nests neatly beside the sink. Rubber, 7 3/4 x 4 x 2 1/2".

Yeah, those rings really look secure so close to the edge there. I have to wonder what will happen when you reach for the bar of soap and knock the whole fucking dish right into the sink.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Where is Gordon Ramsay When You Need Him?

Steak Station® monitors preparation of multiple meats. Four color-coded probes read and display temperatures allowing for perfect rare-to-well-done customization of each juicy steak, letting the grillmaster expertly rotate food for even cooking. Stainless steel and silicone, 3 1/4 x 1 1/4 x 3 1/2".

Wow. If you need this dumbass gadget to cook a steak, then you don't know how to cook a steak. Hand in your apron and get the fuck out.

If You Need This, You're Probably Already Dead

Jazz up a meeting, add excitement to grocery lists, have fun at parties! The drum pen is fun for kids and adults - it's a pen and a drum that lets you tap a beat anywhere. Buttons let you choose snare, tom-tom, or cymbal sounds; speaker is built-in. Uses 3 button-cell batteries (included). Plastic. 6" long. SAVE! Buy 2 or more - only $6.95 each

"Add excitement to grocery lists." You know, I sometimes wish my life was more exciting, but for fuck's sake, I would rather give the finger to a pimp and run like hell than resort to this.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Ugly Ring Sunday #2 - When Is Daddy Coming Back?

Created for him alone, this ring honors Dad with brilliant sentiment, hand set with genuine Austrian crystals representing the loves of his life. Shining in 14k gold over brass, the masculine style features handsome “DAD” setting, accompanied by sparkling, faceted birthstones, creating a unique symbol of what he loves most--family! We’ll custom set each birthstone for a one-of-a-kind gift. $29.99 (Dad Ring)

This ring is one of the reasons why Dads abandon their families. I mean, come on, if this doesn't provoke a dirty look or a beating of some sort, your Dad is probably blind or comatose.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Honey, Your Back is Bleeding

Aah! The sheer pleasure of reaching that unreachable itch! Chromeplated metal-and-brass back scratcher telescopes to 26 1/2" to get the job done! Retracts to "pen size"—a mere 6 3/4"—to carry anywhere. Handy clip attaches to your pocket. The smaller floral version is perfect for pocket or purse, expands from 6" to 20". $9.95

To carry anywhere? Now, I'll admit that there is nothing more annoying than an itch you can't scratch, but if you need this because your back is that itchy,  then you probably have a raging skin disorder flaring up.

Catalog Favorites

Fiber Optic Fridays: Village Edition

Add a soft light and a gentle sense of the season with this delightful sculpture. The angel's wings showcase a fiber optic lighted Christmas village. Resin. Req. 3 "AAA" batteries (not incl.). 9 1/2"L x 4 1/2"W x 6 1/2"H. $14.99

Talk about having the weight of the world on your shoulders, this poor angel has had her wings replaced with a fiber optic village.  No wonder she looks so bitchy. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Solar Fright

Contented feline is a solar light. Beautiful, dimensional mosaic cat glows from within. Quick-charge solar panels power the LED bulbs. At dusk, bulbs automatically turn on, lighting a walkway or garden. Resin. 7 3/4"H x 5"W x 7"L.

At first glance, you might say to yourself: "Wow!  This stained glass cat lamp is only 30 dollars! That's a lot of work, even for Chinese child labor!"

But if you look closer...

"Oh, wait! That's not stained glass! That's injection molded plastic garbage with painted-on solder lines! Silly me!"

Why Not Just Use Your Wallet To Clean the Screen?

M and M chamois screen cleaner rids your monitor of dust without the need for abrasive cleaners! The adorable, palm-sized M&M duster adds a playful, personal touch to your office space and can be used to adorn your monitor, CPU or desk. Features polyfiber/beanbag filling with plush chamois back that attracts dust particles with static cling power. Will not scratch monitors. Use on anything from computers to LCD TVs. Reusable. Polyfiber and chamois, 4 x 4 1/4 x 5 1/4".

First off, if you have been using "abrasive cleaners" to clean your LCD monitor, you are a complete idiot.

Second, why the fuck does cleaning your computer monitor require a "playful, personal" touch?

Third, if you work in an office, you should know where to get "adult" monitor cleaning products for free.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wealthy Wednesdays: Gold Edition

Welcome to Wealthy Wednesdays, where we feature an annoyingly expensive item from a high-end retailer to make you ask "Who buys this shit?"

Made in America in magnificently textured 18k gold. Posing Elephant, 2"w x 1 3/8"h, has one ruby eye and one .07ct diamond at the end of its trunk. Royal palm, 1 5/8"w x 2 3/8"h, has one .06ct diamond.

Get them while they're hot! Only $2,850 for the pair! (or two mortgage payments for the rest of the country)

Scully and Scully

Number One at The Box Office

Tempering its dramatic flair, exquisite, scalloped lace trims the edges of milady's open-cardigan-styled jacket. Cotton/polyester/spandex. Hand washable. Imported. Colors: Black or Creme. Sizes: XS (2-4), S, M, L, XL, 1X, 2X, 3X (26W-28W); 19"-22½" long. $59.95

"Dramatic flair" my ass. When the first thing that comes to mind is "made out of a table cloth for some predictable screwball romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan" then you've failed as a clothing designer.

Catalog Favorites

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Which Came First?

Handkerchief sleeves and hems create the festive look of this ensemble. Crinkle-textured Blouse flatters with its gathered waist, lace-trimmed neck, and sleeves. 65% poly/35% rayon. Dry clean. Made in USA. Colors: Ivory; Sizes: S (10), M (12), L (14), XL (16), 1X (18).

You May Also Like:

Handkerchief Blouse via Catalog Favorites

Puffy Shirt Costume via Taylor Gifts

Tool Time

Personalized workshop wall clock will appeal to any Mr. or Ms. Fixit! Unique design features tools of the building trade, including a circular saw as the clock’s face and a tape measure for the swinging pendulum. Quartz-accurate timepiece uses 1 AA battery (not incl.). Poly/resin; 7-1/4" diam. x 10" L including pendulum.

Or, what to buy for the cartoon character who has everything.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Calgon Take This Away

Create a Spa-Like Environment in the Comfort of Your Own Shower

Enliven your daily shower experience by transforming your regular shower into a fountain of brilliant fun with the help of MagicShowerhead illuminates the shower water producing a variety of changing colors from Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange, Hot Pink and White. The MagicShowerhead creates an experience that can feel as enjoyable and relaxing as being in a spa. It fits standard shower hoses and shower arms. No batteries or electricity needed. Available in fixed and hand-held shower heads. Water consumption 2.5 gal/min at 80 psi.

Or, what to get for the stripper who has everything - a disco showerhead.

Dexter's Dress

Colour Energy Dress - The energizing, dip- and tie-dyed rainbow of this dress may make you want to twirl and spin! Empire-waisted, it's fashioned in two layers, with the matching lining falling lower than the hem. Fabric cords tie at the back. Adjustable straps. 100% rayon. Hand washable. Imported. Color: Peach/Purple Multi. Sizes: S (6-8), M (10-12), L (14-16), XL (18), 1X (18W-20W), 2X (22W-24W), 3X (26W-28W); 32"-35 1/2" long. $39.99

I don't know if wearing this will make you want to twirl and spin like an idiot, but the random blood splatter detailing makes it perfect for Halloween!

source: Catalog Favorites

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Cheap Curtains Sold Seperately

Jumbo Video Rack - Over Door Jumbo Video Rack holds up to 90 video cassette tapes. Keeps your entire collection organized for quick selection. No more misplaced movies! Holds videos, DVDs, CDs, and also paperback books. Vinyl coated steel rack hangs over-the-door or mounts on the wall with included screws. 52" x 18-1/2". 19.98

This looks like the back room porno section of my local bodega.

Harriet Carter

Ugly Ring Sunday: Time to Get Those Tubes Tied!

Here is the first in a short series entitled Ugly Ring Sunday. Enjoy.

Bands sterling silver with 18K gold finish shimmer with engraved names and birthstones of family members she holds dear. Artfully sculpted of precious, polished metal and sparkling, Austrian crystal birthstones, the domed, split band makes a dramatic statement of style and sentiment—custom crafted for a gift that’s hers alone! $89.99 Band Ring

As you can see, the more kids you have, the bigger this ring gets, and worse it is to wear and look at. Can you imagine Michelle Duggar with one of these? Her ring finger would be paralyzed!

You know, there's something familiar about this ring, but I can't put my finger on it.

Yes I can.

Friday, October 08, 2010


Pursie® the four compartment mini purse is an organizational tool for the busy, on-the-go woman who needs somewhere to store money, credit cards, receipts, ID cards, keys and lipstick. Features four-compartments, two with zippers, one with a metal clasp, a built-in key ring, removable wrist strap, silk interior and leather exterior. Versatile, full of style and travel-ready, simply strap it to your wrist, clip it to your belt, fit it in your pocket or drop it in your purse. Leather, polyurethane, 4 1/2 x 1 1/2 x 3 1/2". $9.98

I've seen these before. They're called wallets. They go in your pocket so you don't get mugged. Why not just wear a t-shirt that says "I have 250 bucks in my wallet and my credit card number is 3654 234556 56633..."

He Has It By the 5 Gallon Bucket

Instant Gold Dip transforms worn out jewelry into beautiful gold-plated show pieces. The genuine 24-karat liquid is a safe, non-toxic solution that bonds only to metals, keeping gemstones unharmed. Easy and inexpensive way to rejuvenate watches and family heirlooms as well as everyday jewelry. 2.5 oz can. Plus, we will give you a bonus silver plated penny!

Mystery solved.

The Return of Fiber Optic Fridays

I am resurrecting a favorite theme for this blog: Fiber Optic Fridays. In celebration, I present to you this:

Cherub Christmas Tree Wall Art - A trio of cherubs holding instruments dress up this exciting faux greenery wall d├ęcor. Realistic looking holiday boughs sparkle with frosted pine cones, berries and the prettiest cherubs this side of heaven glowing with fiber optic wings and 10 Christmas tree lights. Creates a spectacular display in any room in practically no time. Crafted of faux greenery, plastic, polyresin and wood. Plug into AC outlet. 18 1/4"L x 24 1/2"H $8.97

I guess when you refer to something as "wall art" you can do whatever you want, even if that means calling a fucking triangle with lights and shit all over it a "Christmas tree."

Collections, Etc.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

It's Impressive Alright

Always look like the big spender! The eye-popping $100 bill wallet features a wad of Benjamin's cleverly woven into the rich exterior so you can exude wealth even if you are broke. Impress friends. Satin lined. Equipped with pockets for credit cards, ID and more. Polyurethane Leather, 8 1/4 x 3 3/8". $9.98


With This Ring, I Divorce

Handsome two-tone diamond-cut wedding band. $12.95

So, is this a replacement wedding ring for careless husbands who lose them? And do they think no one will notice that they replaced their originals for 13-buck garbage?


Wednesday, October 06, 2010

You Don't Fuck with Chocolate Lovers

Hershey's® syrup scented candle makes a unique gift or a collector's item for chocolate lovers. The half-pint one of a kind hand-poured candle gives off the iconic brand's sweet smell that takes you straight to chocolate heaven. Now with a 45% longer burn time. Soy wax, 2 3/4 x 3".  $9.98

I don't know about you, but I'd be pretty annoyed if I walked into someone's house smelling chocolate, only to find out it's just a fucking novelty candle.

(Taylor Gifts)

Wealthy Wednesdays: Child Welfare Edition

Welcome to Wealthy Wednesdays, where we spotlight one item from a high-end catalog that will surely make you want to kill yourself.

Today's item is this pretty porcelain bank from Scully and Scully.

This beautifully sculpted, handpainted porcelain bank from England's Halcyon Days has a rubber stopper on the bottom. 5 3/4"L x 3 3/4"W x 4 3/8"H.

At $425.00, I have to wonder, is it shatterproof? Because the average child is not going to see this and think, "Oh, my. That is truly lovely. I shall place it upon a high shelf where it will be safe until I'm old enough to resell it on eBay."

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Every Landfill Has Its Trash

This hand-blown Glass Rose sits on a lighted stand that changes the rose from blue to pink to red. Makes a lovely gift or keepsake. Includes 3 button batteries. 5-3/4"H. $4.00

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I only had four bucks
To spend on you.

They Might As Well Be Covered with Barbed Wire

Jeweled pens sparkle and shine with each word you write. Far from ordinary, each pen is covered with shimmering, faceted crystals that shine line gems. Sure to brighten up any office or delight your favorite little princess. Includes black pouch for storage. Includes refillable black ink, 4". $14.98

If I had just witnessed a violent murder and this was the only pen around for me to use in order to write down the license plate of the getaway car, I would wave the killer off and just hope that the victim was the creator of this pen.

source: Taylor Gifts


Monday, October 04, 2010

Sittin on Tha Toilet

I spotted these classy wall hangings in a dollar store in Queens.  Enjoy!