Friday, January 22, 2010

I Hope The Waistband Is Elastic

Kymaro™ Jeans Shape, Lift and Tuck in all the Right Places for A Slimmer Figure! Your search for the perfect-fitting jeans is over. Special denim weave contours to your shape to lift buttocks, flatten tummy and slenderize hips and thighs. Stylish flattering higher-rise waist features slimming pockets; 33" inseam. Specify size: 7/8, 9/10, 11/12, 13/14, 15/16, 17/18, 19/20 or 21/22. Machine wash and dry. Imported. $39.99

I don't know why so many people gain weight and then think, "Fuck. Now I have to find some kind of trick Japanese-sounding generic jeans to hide all this fat."

Instead of, you know, watching what the fuck you put in your mouth in the first place.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Just Wait Until That Snaps Right Off

Fruit and veggie wash nets hang from the faucet or float in water allowing you to wash multiple fruits/vegetables of varying sizes simultaneously. Features handle, floating foam hoop, stainless steel support rim and flexible washing net that lets water easily drain. Set of three nets rest inside of one another for storage. Small, 7 1/4 x 4 3/4D", medium 9 3/4 x 7D", large, 11 1/2 x 8D". $14.99

This is the kind of shit that gives plumbers nightmares. Faucets are not load-bearing and certainly not designed to hold heavy, redundant kitchen gadgets.

Also, it's called a STRAINER, idiots.

Biggest Waste of Solar Technology Ever

Solar-powered dancing flower cheers up your desk with this adorable little daisy. Watch the flower and leaves sway back and forth powered by the discrete solar panel. "Flip/Flop" is a cute complement to any home or office workspace. Plastic. 4 1/2 x 3 x 5". $9.99

3 Questions:

1. Is this really for adults? Because it looks like a fucking toy.

2. How bad do things have to be at your office to where you think you need this to cheer everybody up?

3. How quickly will your boss decide that it's time for you to go after seeing this on your desk?

Premeditated Dinner

Yeah, this looks safe.

Range Shelf saves approximately 4 square feet of counter space, brings microwave up to a convenient eye-level position. Textured steel shelf, steel deflector, porcelain side supports, easy assembly and installation. 30W x 18 1/4D x 15 1/8"H (above counter)

KANSAS CITY, MO-A freak microwave accident in a trailer park left one woman dead and two others injured.

Marie Kaniper was in her kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her microwave fell from its perch above the stove, striking her in the head and killing her instantly.

"She had just finished basting the turkey," said daughter Melissa, "and I guess she closed the oven door too hard, which made her to drop the turkey baster on the linoleum floor. She bent down to pick the turkey baster just as the microwave stand gave way. She never got up."

Authorities are looking into the possibility that the $80 microwave stand was installed improperly.

"We think it was only a matter of time," said Fire Chief William Flaherty. "It seems there were some screws missing from the stand."

"It wasn't the microwave stand," fumed her ex-husband Jeff as he was loaded into the ambulance. "I installed it myself! She just slammed the damn door too hard."

Melissa was treated for both burns and trauma and was released from the hospital. Jeff Kaniper was treated for lacerations and is in stable condition. Funeral plans have not been released.