Thursday, October 29, 2009

Brutto

So, a girl walks into the ladies apparel section of a department store store and says, "I'm looking for something that says, 'Hideous Italian-esque Table Runner' What do you have?"


Luxurious Francesca Caftan The second you slip into this satiny-soft caftan, your escape to a pampering experience begins. Caressed by luxurious fabric that flows and drapes in a most beautiful way, you're free to relax and rejuvenate your spirit. Sumptuous poly in emerald, gold and sapphire tones. Machine washable. Imported. One size fits most. 54" long. $39.99

Juice is Full of Sugar Anyway

Here's another one of those items that makes you wonder if it was ever tested in the real world.

It's so flawed, that it should have it's own TV show. Rock n' Pour Grandma, starring Betty White.


Okay, first of all, unless Grandma has a refrigerator the size of a Honda Civic, that big-ass piece of plastic is staying on the counter.

Second of all, Grandma has to lug the heavy container from the fridge and put it in this thing. And if she can handle that, she can certainly pour.

Third, just by looking at this picture, you know what is going to happen when Grandma loses her grip on the neck and that thing goes flying back the other way, spraying juice all over the kitchen.

Great. Now Grandma has to mop up the kitchen - if she doesn't slip on the spilled juice and break her hip first.

Maybe smaller containers would be a better idea if you're weaker than a newborn kitten.

Roll n' Pour rocking beverage server helps you pour beverages from bulky heavy bottles without spills or dropping the bottle. Easy to use. Just place the beverage in the cradle, rock it forward and pour at your own pace. Ideal for people with arthritis, weak hands or sore backs. Plastic, 13 1/4 x 6 1/4 x 8 $19.98

Maybe They Should Have Left That Style Out

I'm having a hard time figuring out how this was marketed as a pearl necklace without the heavy use of quotation marks.

But what's even more perplexing is the suggested "style" shown below, on the left. Is that what I think it is?


HUSBAND: Here ya go bitch, happy birthday.

WIFE: God damn you! Give me that box!

(rips open the box)

HUSBAND: I hope you like it. That's all your getting, you know.

WIFE: A...fake pearl necklace? You son of a bitch! I should have known to lower my standards, considering that you're hung like a thumbtack.

HUSBAND: I knew you wouldn't like it, you fussy old hag.

WIFE: You know what? I've had it. I'm going to go kill myself!

HUSBAND: Really? You promise?

WIFE: Yeah. I promise.

HUSBAND: Well, actually, that necklace can be made into a noose. Here, let me show you how.

Lustrous luxurious pearls glow against evening wear, sweaters, blazers and dresses. Wrap yourself in a full 100 inch strand of 360 perfectly-matched, hand-knotted white pearls. You can wear this necklace with a single loop or multiple loops depending on your attire, even as a multi-strand choker. Pearls shimmer with a luminescent glow against dark fabrics. A magnificent value below $30... great gift for a friend! $29.99

"High" Fashion

Fanny pack. Two of the most embarrassing words in the English language when put together. But how do you market these while avoiding their automatic stigma?

Call them "convertible carryalls"
Tell people they were "designed by flight attendants."


Convertible Carryall organizes days into nights with 14 separate pockets! Flight attendants designed this bag to travel lightly, yet find necessities in seconds. Carry it over your shoulder, by hand or clip it around your waist. Nylon carryall is 8 1/2" x 1" x 6"; strap adjusts to 52" long. $9.99

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Don't Be Such a Chicken Head

Have you ever wondered what a puking chicken looks like?


Just because it's "cute", that doesn't mean you need it. You wanna know how I separate eggs? I use a plastic slotted spoon. And so should you.

Crack in egg and pour...only white comes through. Dishwasher safe porcelain is 3" high, 2 1/2" wide. $3.99

Why Isn't Richard Simmons Pushing This?

Here is a gadget aimed at people who don't have the common sense to learn how to cook properly. Like that special brand of hypocrite who thinks they're really making healthy choices by sopping up the pizza grease with a napkin before they eat it.

The Fat Mop is the ultimate fat-busting kitchen gadget! Just dunk the Fat Mop into that fattening chili, soup, or stew and watch the calories disappear! Now you can double up on portions without guilt! Works great on ice cream, too!



Fat Mop makes meals healthier! A quick twist removes grease-laden oil...fat, cholesterol and calories are whisked away. Just stir into soups, stews or chili to soak up grease. Plastic with premium fibers cleans with dish soap. Long 13 1/4" brush keeps you safely away from heat. $9.99

I Hope I Can Find Matching Shoes

Finally, I have something to wear for Thanksgiving!


Turkey Hat. Add a Giggle to Your Gobble this Thanksgiving with this comfortable, plush cap. Whether worn by the host or hostess or presented as a gift this cap will be a source of Thanksgiving family fun, filled with great memories. One size fits most. 13½"H. Imported. $9.99

Friday, October 23, 2009

Take it Outside, Buddy

Here is an item that the designers probably never tested in the real world. It's an ice cube tray that pops out ice cubes in the shape of shot glasses. The "need" comes from the thousands of deaths each year due to "shot-glass-washing exhaustion."

In theory, your guests will take a shot, and then place the empty ice-glass in the sink, where it will melt down the drain.


In reality, your guests will take a shot, and then drop the slippery, melting empty ice-glass on your coffee table, where it will melt unnoticed and warp the fuck out of it because you are too lazy to wash four shot glasses. Happy now?

Cool Shootersª are shot glasses made of ice! Create the perfect ice-breaker for party guests and add a chill to your favorite spirits. Simply pour water (or fruit juice) into the silicone mold and pop it into the freezer. The result is four fully-formed decorative glasses you'll never have to wash! Silicone, 5 x 5 x 2 3/4". 5.99

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Boy in the Bubble

Okay, I was wrong about the bust being the the worst Obama-related bit of merchandising.

This is:



I don't know who's head is trapped in that bubble, but it's not Barack. Anyone recognize this man?

Obama musical snow globe is a one of a kind tribute to the 44th president. Shake globe to make glittering red, blue and silver stars dance around a realistic bust of the President. Wind up musical feature plays "America the Beautiful." A great gift for any collector or Obama enthusiast. Polyresin, 4 x 4 x 5 1/2". $24.99

And She Was Never Seen Again

Oh, this is just so sad. The snow pusher is designed to bridge the gap between manual shoves that break your back and snow throwers.

Just looking at this picture, I already know how it's going to end. (nevermind the fact that you can clearly see the tire tracks from the snow thrower that was used to clear the pathway here)



JIM: Hey Bob!

BOB: Hey Jim!

JIM: Lots of snow out here today, huh?

BOB: Oh, boy, you said it. Looks like we got at least a foot last night.

JIM: It's pretty bad. I'm glad I got that snow thrower last month. Say, you want some help with your sidewalk there?

BOB: No, it's fine. My wife just bought me this here snow pusher.

JIM: Snow pusher?

BOB: Yeah. Watch.

(Jim drops the snow pusher down and rolls it forward. It moves an inch and stops. Jim struggles, pushing it harder, until the handle bends.)

BOB: Jim, you know...it's no big deal. It will only take a minute or so..

JIM: No, I'm fine!

(snow pusher breaks completely in half, sending Jim face-down into the snow)

BOB: You okay, there, Jim?

(Jim gets up, brushes the snow off his jacket)

JIM: Yeah, I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to have a little talk with the wife.

Rolling snow pusher saves your back from heavy lifting or awkward bending. The lightweight frame, easy-roll wheels and specially-designed 181/4 x 11" metal blade combine to clear out even heavy snow with minimal effort. It turns one of winter's chores into a pleasurable activity. Wheels have sure-grip tread for added traction. $19.98

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pop-Corny

Popcorn bowls are so fucking boring. If only there was a bowl that not only allowed me to play with my popcorn, but that would also hold my remotes, a fattening beverage and and had a name that reminded me of some fucking stupid 1980's catch-phrase.

Hmm, what's this?


Popcorn basketball bowl take game time to the next level with this clever combination snack-holder. Pile popcorn high in the six-quart bowl that features a kernel separator and holders for a remote control, beverages and napkins. Then it's time to test your accuracy with the flexible launching device and hoop. Easy to clean. Polypropylene and plastic, 16 1/2 x 9 1/2 x 8". $19.98

Barf Deco

If the Chrysler building and the Empire State building had an ugly little sweater baby, this would be it.


Jazzy stripes give dynamic geometric detail to a classic cream pullover. Stylish with trousers or jeans, it has a 1/4-zip front with ribbed collar, hem and cuffs. Cotton/acrylic; machine wash. Imported. Men's M(46), L(48), XL(50), XXL(52). $59.95

Reason Number 2,458 to Stay Out of Politics

Alright, enough already. The "commemorative" plates, plaques, coins, action figures, throws, pillows, and watches were bad enough, but a $25.00 plastic Obama bust? Leave the president alone already. Please.



And it doesn't even look like him. I keep seeing a slightly older Gary Coleman staring up at Mr. Drummond and it's freaking me out.


Obama Bust honors our 44th President. Bring art off the pedestal and into everyday life. Place it on the mantle above your fireplace or on your favorite bookcase. Send it to college with your son or daughter to remind them that in this nation every voice counts. Change has come to America. Resin. $24.98

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Where Plastic Soda Bottles Go to Die

Barf.

Seriously, what in Halloween were they thinking when they designed these hideous synthetic, overpriced boots? They look like they were stolen from the set of Sex and the Grisly.

There is so much going on that there is nothing on the planet that you could wear with them. You might as well just go naked. No one will notice you because they'll only see these.


Attract attention when you walk down the street in these trendy boots. Croc print in bronze-tone, patches of pleats and stud detailing add to their unique style. Boot has inside zip, square toe and 2 3/4" heel. 17" high. Synthetic. Full and half sizes M(medium) and W(wide) 6-10, 11, 12. $119.99

Salmonella In a Box

Because you don't have enough shit to clean up after making dinner, here comes the breader bowl! Designed to make it even easier to fatten up your deep-fried fat family.


What scares me the most about this thing is this part: "Simply place items in the extra-deep bowl and pour breading or batter over top. The excess collects in the base to be used again."

I don't know. Something about putting raw chicken in there, not washing it out as you reuse it to make onion rings, then mindlessly killing your entire family doesn't sit right with me.

Breader bowl allows for easy application of breading or batter on meats and vegetables. Simply place items in the extra-deep bowl and pour breading or batter over top. The excess collects in the base to be used again. Great for chicken, onion rings, seafood, vegetables and more. Prep and store fully-coated food all in one compact container. Dishwasher safe, with an air-tight seal for storage and transport. Plastic, 10 1/4 x 7 x 6 3/4". $14.98

Does It Run on Blood, Too?

Dear Amazing Water Clock,

Look at you, sitting there with that smirk on your face. You're probably thinking, "I'll show those energy companies and battery makers a thing or two."


But here's what I'm thinking. While I really don't know how you work, I'm puzzled as to why in lieu of water, you suggest fruit juice, coffee, beer and soft drinks to run yourself. That is just disgusting. I'll take my chances with electricity.

The Amazing Water Clock is a true environmentally-friendly green product, keeping time without the need for any electricity, batteries or solar cells. Built into this compact and attractive design is a large digital LCD display that is powered by nature, using water or any electrolytic fluid such as fruit juice, coffee, beer and soft drinks as the power source.$15.99

Monday, October 19, 2009

Have Your Cake and Seal it Too

Hate stale cake? Who doesn't? Too cheap to buy a roll of plastic wrap? Do you like magic? Of course you do. Everybody likes magic.

Jam this beautiful plastic gadget into that fresh birthday cake and/or pie and watch the magic begin...


You see, if you leave the uneaten portion of the cake whole in your refrigerator, it will instantly go stale and crumble into dust - right before your eyes. But if you buy this magical gadget, it will seal in the flavor like nobody's business. Even the unprotected frosting will be just like the day you bought it! It's magic.

Cut 'N' Stay Fresh Divide Cakes, Pies and Desserts into Perfect Portions and keep desserts fresh longer. Cut ’N’ Stay Fresh slices and seals in flavor. The last piece is as deliciously moist as the first! Place individual dividers into the barrel and press into dessert to create 12, 6 or 4 slices. Voil√°! Instant, equal servings for all your guests. Each plastic divider is 3"H; 10½" dia. overall. Plastic is dishwasher-safe. $21.99

Clean Up, Aisle Seven!

What do you get when you combine flimsy, plastic-coated wire shelving, "no tool" DIY assembly, suction cup mounting and heavy bottles of bleach and detergent?

I don't think you want to find out.


Suction Utility Shelves make the most of little space by mounting in seconds to your washer or dryer with powerful suction cups to create room for storing and organizing laundry and cleaning supplies. Keep laundry essentials close at hand. Maximize the storage potential in tight spaces. Easy to assemble. No tools required. Steel, 16 x 8 1/2 x 23". $19.98

Maybe Pizza Just Isn't For You

Alright, "inventors," can we stop trying to perfect the perfect pizza cutting and serving tool? They all suck, and this one isn't any better. Look how tiny that cutting wheel is! If your pizza crust is thicker than a Ritz cracker, that wheel is going to get buried faster than the landing gear of a jumbo jet in a muddy field.


Honestly, how much time are you saving here? Just buy a real pizza cutting wheel and stop being a baby.

Pizza cutter and spatula is the only tool you'll need to slice and serve the perfect piece of pizza. Combined pizza wheel and spatula is easy to use and clean. Just use the wheel to cut slices, then serve with spatula. Features comfort grip handle and durable construction. Plastic and stainless steel, 12 1/2 x 3 1/3". $12.98

Friday, October 16, 2009

Why Not Add a Fourth Case?

This picture just gets on my last nerve.

Why? Because there is no way in hell that woman is balancing three heavy cases of water on that flimsy cart with barely any effort and one hand - without having that cart suddenly lurch back into a standing position, fucking up her back and likely crippling her from the waist down.



Folding hand cart hauls heavy loads with ease, then folds flat for easy storage. Give your back a break as you transport cabinets, boxes, trashcans and more. Sturdy stainless-steal design supports up to 150 lbs., large rubber tires roll over even the roughest terrain. Locking handle has a comfortable foam grip. Extends to 17 x 20 x 38", collapses down to 30 x 19 x 2". $59.98

Yeah, This is Believable

How many times am I going to say "Well, now I've seen everything," only to be proven wrong by something like this?

It's a hair coloring brush. No, you get out.


You fill it with your hair color (through a dime-sized hole) and then just brush your way straight onto that magazine cover. Look how easy it is! WOW!

Notice how they've used a very obvious wig and some photoshopping here, probably after destroying the model's hair on the first try. Or maybe she just said, "You touch my hair with that and I'll break your neck."

The claim is that you don't have to "spend a fortune at the salon" and that got me thinking.

I called a few salons to find out if this was the way they color hair, but they all hung up on me. I guess they don't want to give up their secrets.

Cordless electric hair coloring brush gives you perfect, at home hair color so you don't have to spend a fortune at the salon. Just fill this special brush with your color of choice, turn on and start coloring. Color control system distributes color evenly with precision. Get professional results in half the time. Requires two AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 10 1/2 x 3 x 3 1/2". $19.98

Or, You Could Buy 29 More Tickets

Are you lazy, stupid, and financially irresponsible, yet constantly dreaming of winning the lottery? This is right up your alley.


Talking lottery number picker chooses numbers for you. If you're tired of picking losing lotto numbers, this soothsayer will do the honors. He'll choose numbers for Pick 3, Pick 4, Mega Millions, Powerball and Hot Lotto. Just push the name of the game and then play. With the help of an electronic randomizing (they say that's your best chance!) chip, he'll announce your lucky numbers while moving his mouth. Requires three AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 4 x 5 x 7". $29.98

For That Special Plumber in Your Life

You always hear people using the phrase, "flushing your money down the toilet."

Now there's a visual for it.


Flushing sound toilet clock adds a little humor to your day. Toilet seat shaped clock will make you laugh when you hear its flushing sound... on the hour. Makes a great gag gift. Requires four AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 9 1/2 x 2".$24.98

People First, Then Money, Then Anything But This



Suze Orman: Alright everyone, thanks for joining us for our Can I Afford It segment. Our first caller is Judy from Florida. Hi, Judy!

Judy: Hi, Suze! I'm a big fan of your show!

SO: Well thank you, Judy. What do you wanna buy?

J: (voice trembling slightly) Well, Suzie, I want to buy a Floral Desk Set?

SO: A Floral... Desk set?

J: Yes.

SO: And how much is this floral desk set?

J: It's $25.00. (image of Floral Desk Set appears on screen)

SO: (inhales) Gee, I dunno. Looks like a piece of crap. Are you sure about this?

J: Yes, I really need this to spruce up my home office. My husband says I'm crazy.

SO: Alright, show me the money.

J: I've got about $25,000 in credit card debt, $150,000 left on my mortgage, $10,000 car loan, and about $15.78 in savings.

(click)

J: Hello? Suze, are you there?

Floral desk set adds a feminine touch to everyday office supplies. The unique style makes it easy to identify the items that belong to you. Makes a great gift for the professional women in your life. Choose stapler, scissors, calculator, or all three!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Now That is Classy


I don't know. Drinking beer out of a glass made to look like a severed beer bottle top kinda defeats the purpose of using a glass, no?

Am I thinking too much? Probably.

Hopside Down is bottled beer in a glass! An ordinary brewski becomes something special when poured into this hand-blown work of art, featuring an interior shaped precisely like an upside-down longneck bottle. The unique double-wall design is as satisfying as the beverage inside. Bottoms up! Glass, 7". $19.98

Morphs Your Wallet, Too


Rejected commercial for the Morphing Nativity:

Hey, Jesus Lovers! Do you love the Almighty, but hate boring, wooden nativities? Well, now there's the incredible MORPHING NATIVITY! (echo effects, laser sounds)

(techno music starts)

The awesome MORPHING NATIVITY is made with GENUINE acrylic and looks just like CRYSTAL!

Just imagine the looks on their faces when they come face-to-face with this extraordinary MORPHING NATIVITY! (shots of people fainting, woman falls backwards onto Christmas tree)

The MORPHING NATIVITY changes COLOR right before your EYES! Other nativities don't do that! Best of all, it's only $9.98! Order now, or go straight to HEEEEELL! (echo effects, thunder)

Morphing nativity has look of cut crystal. Depicts the birth of Jesus in a dynamic lighted display that changes colors. Enhances holiday decor on a mantle or end table, or elsewhere. Makes a great gift. Requires two lithium batteries (included). Unbreakable acrylic, 3 x 2 3/4 x 4 3/4". $9.98

Don't You Want To Run Your Fingers Through It?

Is this poorly Photoshopped Hair Visor:


Further proof that people will buy anything?
A frightening testament to the popularity of Food Network's repulsive Guy Fieri?


Hair visor shows off your wild side! Turn heads everywhere you go with this fun and flashy lid that fuses fuzzy hair to a comfortable visor. Choose from four different color combos. Made of cloth. $14.98

Another Reason to Stay Out of Politics

So, I'm still trying to figure out what to wear for Halloween. Should I go as Godzilla Meets Mr. Ed? Or should I put on a skirt and go as Angelina Jolie with Helmet Hair.

Oh wait. That's supposed to be Barack and Michelle? Ouch. Here's reason 2,457 to stay out of politics. You end up as a disfigured mask for Halloween.


Barack and Michelle Obama masks transform you into the President and First Lady without the need for a Secret Service detail. Realistic masks are fun to wear and are the year's hottest Halloween instant party costumes. Rubber. $14.98