Friday, January 30, 2009

Maybe He Overate At the Buffet?

What do you think of when you look at this photo?


A) Hey, that's not a Buick!

B) That strap is about to slide down the door frame, sending Grandpa's face right into the door glass.

C) Car doors aren't meant to have plastic crap strapped to them by old folk with poor balance.

D) This man should NOT be driving.

E) Boy, I'd better get my ass to the gym. I don't want to end up like that!

F) All of the above.

Car CaddieTM helps you get in and out of the car with ease. Durable nylon strap with handle installs (and removes) in seconds on any framed vehicle window. Features adjustable handle height with rubber cushion for comfortable grip. Great for those with back or neck ailments, limited mobility or just for those who want added support. Nylon and plastic, 8 x 5". $19.98

Mommie Dearest

Picture it: Antiques Roadshow, 2035. Melanie has brought her set of 12 "Collectible Jewelry Boxes" to be appraised:


POTTERY EXPERT: So, can you tell me a little bit about these?

MELANIE: Sure can! They were my mothers. She bought them back in 2009 and they've been in our family ever since.

POTTERY EXPERT: Interesting. Let's take a look here (lifts one, turns it over, purses lips)

MELANIE: I sure hope they're worth a lot of money. (big, exaggerated, annoying laugh)

POTTERY EXPERT: I'm sorry. But these are garbage. You see this inscription here? It says Made in Taiwan. You are actually losing money the longer you own them.

MELANIE: It can't be! My mother told us that they'd be worth a lot of money some day! Right on her death bed, she told me!

POTTERY EXPERT: I think your mother has had the last laugh here, Melanie. My advice would be to cut your losses and smash them with a hammer when you get home.

Set of 12 ceramic boxes have lids that are abloom in colorful blossoms. Perfect for storing earrings, rings, rare coins, baby's first tooth­--anything that is close to your heart. Hand painted. Each 2"Diameter.14.99

Maybe a Trash Can is What You Need

By purchasing this item, you're telling the world:


A) I'm a country girl!
B) I like to stay organized!
C) I just love particle board!
D) I never throw anything out. I so much makeup, lotions, hair products, and toiletries that I have to start adding furniture to the sink top. This is the beginning of the end for me.

Give yourself plenty of surface space and storage so you can spread out at the bathroom sink. Country style, furniture quality sink bridge offers a long shelf elevated above the sink or vanity countertop supported by a pair of cabinets, each with a beadboard door and lacy filigree cut-outs. Constructed of light walnut-finished wood. Assembly req. 23 1/2"L x 6"W x 9 1/4"H. $14.99

Monday, January 26, 2009

Because Knives Are For Amateurs

Not enough bulky gadgety crap cluttering up your kitchen? Tired of watching your morbidly obsese fat kids fight to the death over that banana bread you just made?

Then you need this thing! It works just like an ice cube tray - only far sloppier. Simply pour your batter into it, and bake. When it's ready to serve, have the kids gather 'round as you try to pry out the lumpy, uneven slices of bread, only to have them stick to the inserts and disintegrate all over the countertop. You might want to have some Entenmann's stashed away as backup.

And, just like the corn ripper, the staging here is fake. They simply baked the loaf whole, then shoved the thing into it to give the impression that it really works.

Easy slice loaf pan creates equal, perfect slices as you bake. No need to compare slices to see whose is the largest! Non-stick inserts divide batter as you pour it into the pan creating nine cafe style portions while baking. When finished, cool, remove grid and place pan on handy lifting rack (included) for easy serving. Carbon steel, 3 x 6 x 10 3/4". $29.98

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Brand Name Fail

While searching through the hideous clothing over at Amerimark, I came across this lovely pair of pants. I immediately did a screen capture and sent it to Fail Blog. Look for it in the voting section.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

She Bangs

This stunning caftan has everything you loved (or hated) about the 80s!

Massive floral pattern? Check.
Vertical blinds? Check.
Rolled cuffs? Check
Pleats? Check.
Matching earrings? Check.
Bangs? Check.


Our floor length caftan lets you relax in style at the end of a busy day. Features include a jewel neckline, zippered front opening, pleated bodice and short sleeves with rolled cuffs. Washable polyester/cotton blend. Made in USA/Imported. Approximate lengths: Petite - 50", Misses - 52", Women's - 52".

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Just Start Drinking, Loser


No, wait! Don't jump off that bridge! Come here and put these headphones on. Feel better? Why are you heading back to the bridge?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Cheapfish

This is:



A) abstract, Christian art
B) What happens to your jewelry when you send it to Cashforgold.com
C) Other

Click Read More to find out


C) as in Cheap Gimmicky Crap

You're supposed to be seeing two things here. On the left, an "abstract cross" and on the right, "a fish!" Don't see it? Neither do I. Although it sort of looks like a dead, bloated whale.

This is almost as bad as the Prayer Cross.

At first glance, the pendant on this contemporary necklace appears to be a flowing, abstract cross. Turned on its side, suddenly it’s a fish, symbol of Christian brotherhood. Glistening gold-tone pendant (3/4”x1/2”) hangs from a twist-linked 16 ¼” chain (2” extender included). Lobster clasp closure, arrives gift-boxed. $14.99

Not Quite

In case your Internet browser is acting up and you can't see the image below, I will describe it in vivid detail.



It is a gaudy navy blue sweatshirt with a red mock collar. In the center is a message in the shape of a Christmas tree, in tacky gold, script lettering. The writing is surrounded by red, green and gold hearts, and is peppered with cheap, plastic gemstones. The message in the center reads, "Miracle of Christmas is Love".

I disagree. The miracle of Christmas is how many of these will sell.

This embellished shirt is perfect for any casual get-together. Its multi-colored appliqued hearts are attached with decorative stitching; golden crystals add sparkle. Navy poly/cotton shirt with cranberry mock collar. Machine washable, adult sizes. Made in USA or imported. $34.99

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Only Thing Getting Lifted Is Your Wallet

There are a lot of scams out there when it comes to beauty, but I have to say, I'm impressed with LifTight.

Just one application is all it takes to achieve dramatic results, as evidenced by these shocking before and after photos.

It is so powerful and effective, that it will lighten your skin tone...as well as your eyes, eyebrows, shirt color...it will even fade your lipstick and make the room brighter! No wonder she's smiling!

Amazing!


LifTightTM will make you look years younger in 90 seconds or less. Better and safer than Botox. LifTightTM lasts up to 8 hours and takes less than two minutes to apply! Simply apply lotion and watch as fine age lines seemingly disappear and deeper wrinkles diminish. Use around the eyes, lips, cheeks or forehead – cream dries clear and can be used under makeup. FDA approved cosmetic ingredients, 1/2 oz. $14.98

Guess How Much: Red Light Edition

I'm going to give you the basic facts on this little item here and then leave it to you to Guess How Much. Ready? Sure you are.

This is a plastic LED light that you simply attach to a 9 volt battery. It comes in two colors (red or blue), turns on when standing up, and turns off when on its side. The battery is included this time.

Now, is it:

A) 99-cents?
B) $14.99?
C) $21.99?
D) $49.99?
E) Other

Click Read More to find out how much.


E) $25.00 for one stupid little LED light. That's a lot of money for a glorified keychain light.

Very cute, very clever and very practical, the ingenious 9 Volts LED light fits directly on the terminals of a simple 9V battery. A clever little tilt switch mechanism turns the light on when standing up and then off again when on its side. Available in either red or blue, add a subtle tint of color to your indoor or outdoor lighting... but, if you plan to color-coordinate, you may want to double-check, as both models, when in the off position, start out an identical white. $25.00

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

These Boots Were Made for Barfing

These are for:



A) Scaring small children
B) Halloween
C) Scaring old ladies
D) Causing car accidents
E) Scaring rottweilers
F) all of the above

Ahem.

I kid you not, this is from the website: Attract attention when you walk down the street in these trendy boots. Croc print in bronzetone, patches of pleats and stud detailing add to their unique style. Boot has inside zip, square toe and 2 3/4" heel. 17" high. Synthetic. Full and half sizes $139

Does it Come in a Jacket?

This is:



A) The unfortunate cross breeding of a mermaid and a bride.
B) Edgy and fun!
C) Painful to look at, not to mention stupid
D) Why you should never let crazy people near the sewing machine

(If you choose B, I will find you and slap you with a pair of these)

Soutache Beaded Jean. Swirls of ribbon soutache impart an air of elegance to this jean. Glittering beading and sheer patches of lace add just the right amount of flirtation. 5-pocket styling in antiqued denim with a touch of stretch adds to the sexy, romantic design (31" inseam in size 10). Cotton/spandex; dry clean. Imported. $45

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Dry Cleaner's Nightmare

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Not So Bright

BS Claim of the Week comes courtesy of the "cordless magnifying lamp." It's gimmicky, ugly, and wrong on so many levels. Five levels, to be exact.


1. Why does it need to be cordless? What kind of ramshackle cave are you living in where a plug in floor lamp won't do?

2. LEDs: These lights are so overrated. A typical LED lamp needs about 500 of those suckers to give off decent light, until it mysteriously breaks. (Sidenote: most LED lamps are made of the flimsiest, ugliest plastic known to man.)

3. Hmm, I don't see any kind of magnifying glass attached to this thing. I'll bet the only thing it magnifies is credit card debt.

4. Batteries? Really? In a lamp? The "environmental savings" of using energy efficient LEDs are totally offset by all the AA batteries that will end up in the landfill. Nice try.

5. For $50, I'd like a lamp that doesn't remind me of a cordless carpet sweeper.



Cordless magnifying lamp enlarges and illuminates while keeping your hands free. Now you can read, knit, sew, work on crossword puzzles and enjoy other hobbies without straining your eyes. Features ten bright, long-lasting LEDs, moves easily from room to room. Requires 6 AA batteries (not included). 58"H with 8" diameter lens and 12" flexible gooseneck for adjustability. $49.80

I'll Keep my Corelleware, Thank You

Staging is an essential part of any product sales pitch. For the marketers of this sectional casserole dish, I have one question:

What the hell ya got cooking in there? I looks like Green Bean Shattered Ceramic Shards along with a side of Cheese Popcorn Tater Tot McNugget Suprise.



Heat & serve side dishes in seconds! Dual compartment casserole dish lets you heat and serve 2 different foods at once. Ideal for side dishes like peas, corn, string beans, and more. Attractive look goes right to table. Lid vents open for microwave; close for fridge storage. Each section holds approx. 4 cups. Durable, heat-resistant plastic. 10¼" diam. x 2¼" deep. $9.98

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Guess How Much: Time and Space Edition

Guess How much for this oversized clock?

A) $350
B) $799
C) $2,000
D) $1

Did you get a little Price is Right flashback there? No? Sorry.

Anyway, this plastic clock is a ridiculous $3,213. For a plastic clock. There's no metal or glass in there. Just plastic. And it looks like a disconnected bathroom sink.


Read on to see how the snooty architect tries to justify the price.

It may sound rather odd coming from the mouth of a designer. Yet architect Anthony Duffeleer regards the shape of the Oclock he has designed incidental. Its shape is a consequence of the production process, he explains, which in this case is rotation casting. This is a process in which plastic powder goes in a mould, which is then placed in an oven and rotated. The plastic adheres to the wall and in this way takes on its final shape.

‘Design is an unbelievably pretentious word,' says the architect, who, together with Freia Rombouts, is the driving force behind the Antwerp firm Frap. ‘A designer is really a process supervisor.' It is the quest for the right production method that appeals to Duffeleer.

In the case of the Oclock this leads to an exciting, in some ways organic shape. A further benefit of the production process is that despite its generous dimensions - the dial is around 120 centimetres in diameter - the clock is nonetheless light in weight. Duffeleer is also breaking with the standard image of a clock. ‘This design is individual, it has pretension. It is an object that has an almost obtrusive presence in the room. And that's the idea. Even if the room is otherwise empty, with this clock it is nonetheless full.'

Friday, January 02, 2009

Lordy Gaudy


Things to know about the Prayer Cross from Montebello Collections

- There's nothing like using religious guilt to move some cheesy, gimmicky piece of costume jewelry.

- Anything touted as a "collectible" automatically means that it's going to be on eBay in three years at ten times the price, even if you end up buying it in the As Seen on TV section of your local drug store, next to a fondue set and a Pasta n More.

- It comes with a Certificate of Authenticity, so as to squash the devastating counterfeit Prayer Cross epidemic.

- It's not available in stores! (Give it a month.)

It's easy to imagine someone buying one - and then wearing it to church.

MARIA: Good morning, Father.

PASTOR: Good morning, Maria.

MARIA: Do you like my new cross?

PASTOR: It's quite nice, Maria. Was it a gift?

MARIA: Oh, no, I saw it on the television!

PASTOR: (pauses) Really?

MARIA: Yes, father - and when you hold it up to the light, you can see the Lord's prayer - so it's always close to my heart. Isn't that wonderful?

PASTOR: But don't you have it memorized by now?

MARIA: Oh, yes father, but this was only two payments of $19.99, plus $7.99 for shipping and handling.

PASTOR: You know, Maria, we appreciate your faith, but that's 48 dollars you could have put in the collection bin today. The church needs your support more than ever. Please don't be so gullible.

MARIA: Isn't that your BMW 7-series parked outside?

PASTOR: Well, I have to get back to my prayers. Have a blessed day.



Thanks to Neil Russell for the tip!

Just Use Your Imagination, Okay?

Here's some corny staging for you (pun intended). From what I can imagine, using this little gadget on a freshly cooked ear of corn results in an ungodly mess (and probably severely burned hands), so they decided to fake it out with a little canned corn and a pretty tablecloth.



Corn ripper cuts corn off the cob in seconds Sharp teeth grip just below the kernels to neatly grab two rows at a time. Safely and easily remove entire kernels for cooking, canning, freezing and more. Dishwasher safe, stainless steel. 6" long.
$8.98

Thursday, January 01, 2009

And It's Great for Organizing Your Cassette Tapes, Too!

This home office organizer is from:


A) 1986
B) 1987
C) 1988
D) none of the above

Click Read More to find out

Sharp eyed readers will note the calendar on the wall of the photo, which had to have been put there to convince us that plastic coated metal garbage is making some kind of comeback.

Keep your home office work space clutter-free & ready for business! Compact home office organizer puts all your supplies at your fingertips. Three sliding tiered baskets hold mail, disks, paper, letters and more. 6 vertical slots hold large or small file folders for easy access. Sits conveniently on desk or tabletop. Coated metal unit is 12-7/8" x 12-1/4" x 10-1/2". $19.98