Friday, July 31, 2009

The Cat's Me-OW

A lot of cat and dog products tend to get marketed based on very basic stereotypes:

1. Cats are mean and/or aloof.

2. Dogs are happy and playful.

Now, I have encountered friendly, social cats and mean, scary dogs, but I have yet to see this in real life.

If you're interested, this cat-gets-it-up-the-you-know-what is available in black or white, but, for some strange reason, the choice is not up to you, but the communists at Taylor Gifts.

Cat pencil sharpener meows while it works! A great home or office addition for feline fanatics, combining fun with function. Hones graphite faster than a cat sharpening its claws on a scratching post. Requires one watch battery (included). Available in white or black, please let us choose. Plastic, 4 3/4 x 1 3/4 x 5 3/4". $19.98

Thanks to Jessica, of The Blog of a Gamer Girlfriend for the tip.

As Good as Sold!

Redecorate in an instant! Attractive microsuede furniture covers change the look of any chair, loveseat or sofa without costly reupholstering. Protect from dirt and stains, make worn furniture look like new again. 100% polyester covers come in 4 colors: chocolate, beige, sage, burgundy. Machine washable. Imported. Chair is 90" L x 70" W; loveseat is 140" L x 70" W; sofa is 170" L x 70" W.

I'm having trouble selling my apartment and my real estate agent advised me to buy some slip covers to hide my ugly, old furniture.

I think these will really do the job. Which color should I get? I'm torn between the 1978 Cadillac Brown and 1996 Shower Curtain Burgundy.

Or, You Could Just Throw Out a Few Pairs

Hey, Ladies! Run out of room in the closet and under your bed for all the shoes you never wear? Well, this gorgeous, top-quality bed skirt is just what you need! It has 18 vinyl pockets that will last forever and won't explode when you try to cram your husbands big, ugly sneakers in them. It's fantastic!

The shoe organizing bed skirt will also hold:

the remote control!
a box of tissues!
a loaf of bread!
a frying pan!
sex toys!

and much, much more! Call 1-800-IMA-DOLT right now! The first ten callers will receive a useless keychain with their order!

End shoe clutter forever! Shoe organizing bed skirt has 18 see-thru pockets to hold and give quick access to all your shoes. Just place under your mattress and let the pockets hang over both sides of bed. Also use to store toys, books, magazines. $14.98

Friday, July 17, 2009


This is, without a doubt, the pinnacle of laziness.

Really, how long have toothpaste tubes been around? 80-100 years? And NOW we decide we need a dispenser for them?

Touch-N-Brush Toothpaste hands-free dispenser prevents waste by dispensing the perfect amount of toothpaste every time. Say goodbye to sticky, messy sinks and counters. A touch of the pump dispenses a perfect strip of fresh toothpaste on your brush. Holds any size toothpaste tube, and is easy to use, install and refill. Vacuum technology forces out every last drop of toothpaste. Suctions to smooth surfaces. Includes electric toothbrush. Requires two AA batteries, not included. Plastic, rubber, 3 1/4 x 3 x 10 1/4. $19.98

Put Down the Knife and Step Out of the Kitchen

Here's another gadget aimed at wimps who can't figure out the most basic cooking techniques. I don't know, this looks like some kind of sex toy for horses.

How about this, people: if it gets to the point where you can't cut a carrot without slicing off part of your finger, then you shouldn't be cooking - at all.

Protect fingertips when chopping and dicing fruits and vegetables! Ingenious finger guards grip food securely while shielding your hand from sharp knife edges. Made of rubber and plastic for a soft, non-slip grip that flexes naturally with finger movements. Rinses clean. 3-1/2" L.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Evergreens Aren't Forever, You Know

In this tough economic time, it's hard to keep up with the maintaining of your lawn and shrubbery. Luckily, these fake bushes and trees will help to give the illusion of a well-manicured lawn at a fraction of the price.

Best of all, when your house goes into foreclosure because you're buying fake shit for your lawn and not paying off your credit card bills, you can take them with you to the trailer park!

If you or someone you know has recently purchased and installed these fake bushes and trees, I'd like to hear from you. Please leave your address in the comments so that I can come over and drive a tank through your house in the middle of the night admire them.

Faux evergreen decorative shrubs are a simple way to add the beauty of live evergreens to your home, without the fuss of real ones. Use them indoors or out. Place them on your porch, patio or even in entryways. If you don't tell, no one will know they aren't real. No need to worry about watering and feeding! They are maintenance free, deer proof and will not fade. Shrubs arrive 'planted' in dark green plastic pots. Add your own lights and pedestal planters. Plastic.

I'd Rather Eat Old Coffee Grinds

According to the makers of the Ronco Coffeetime system, cold brewing coffee results in 65% less acid for fucking crybabies those with sensitive stomachs.

Just look at this thing. It looks like it was designed in 1982.

Simply load the fucker up the way you would your hot coffee maker and add cold water. After it brews, simply pour yourself a cup of the resulting concentrate and add hot water. You can put the rest in the refrigerator, where it will last for weeks! Doesn't that sound delish?

Of course, in this economy, they're banking on those of us who are on the verge of filing for bankruptcy because of our addiction to Starbucks coffee.

(It's called moderation, people. You can still have your Starbucks, just not every day.)

Fuck this. I'd rather get a second job to pay for my coffee than take my chances with week-old refrigerated sludge. Ron Popeil can suck it.

Coffee Time™ brew system makes tasty cafĂ©-style drinks at home for just pennies a cup! Revolutionary cold brewing system creates a mixable coffee concentrate that lasts for weeks and reduces acidity by up to 65%. Follow the easy-to-use recipe book to make your favorite hot, iced or blended coffee and tea drinks just like a professional barista! Includes brew pot, carafe with lid, 2 cold brew filters, recipe book. $19.98