Thursday, April 30, 2009

Coming Soon: The Digital Clock!

Today's Complete Waste of Money comes in the form of this generic, battery-operated dentist's office clock that lights up when you turn the lights off.

I know this will make me sound old, but back in my day, that was called "glow in the dark," and you didn't need any batteries. I love it when people try to "reinvent" something by taking it backwards.

Light sensor wall clock illuminates with a pleasant green glow the moment the lights dim so you are never left in the dark when it comes to time. Traditional design with a unique twist! Requires four AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 12". $24.98

If Laptops Were Around in 1972, This Would Be Perfect

This piece of shit gets propelled right into the Overengineered Hall of Fame. Scroll down and read my analysis.

The main point of this thing is to make your laptop easily identifiable so that it stands out in a crowd of laptops at the airport or at a meeting. Fine. I get it. But in their desperation to make you buy this instead of, say, a laptop skin, they've overloaded it by giving it a hideous brown faux leather texture, a pen holder, and a pocket for photos or notes. Unfortunately, there was no time left to integrate a digital clock or a coffee warmer.

They've also made it extremely fugly and bulky - because that's what business travelers want.

Laptop ID personalizes your computer so it stands out in a crowd. Adds color and security to one of your most important possessions, providing a unique name tag to avoid confusion at airports and in meetings and classrooms. Includes pen holder and a pocket to carry notepads or photos. A gentle, non-marking adhesive easily attaches the ID to your laptop. Faux leather, 7 x 1/2 x 6 1/2".$14.98

Now You'll Blend Right In!

Attention Future Tourists to New York City: If you're trying to decide whether to bring a purse or a fanny pack on your trip, just take your chances with the purse.

Better to risk a purse snatching than be caught with this.

Flip down fanny pack makes traveling easy. reduce back strain and keep belongings safe. No lugging purses or overstuffing pockets. Store all you need in seven zipped compartments, including a camera, map, keys, wallet, and prescriptions. Features 45" adjustable waist strap, slots for credit cards, ID window, money pocket, pen holder and secret storage. Wipes clean. Polyester, 7 1/2 x 5 1/4 x 4". $19.98

Friday, April 17, 2009

What is This?

A) A salad bowl
B) A pasta bowl
C) A flower pot
D) hurting my eyes
C) A fucking gimmick linked to a really annoying Food Network Celebrity.

Okay, seriously? I can not believe anyone would be gullible enough to log onto the Food Network website and order a 10 inch GARBAGE bowl from Rachel Ray. Really? No other bowls in the house? You need one that's scientifically engineered for trash?

There are 186 "reviews" of this "product" on their website. That's 186 people are just too stupid to live.

Stop running back and forth to the garbage can! Save time in the kitchen by tossing your food scraps, wrappers and other waste in Rachael Ray's handy Garbage Bowl. This big Melamine bowl is 10" in diameter, 5-3/4" deep and dishwasher-safe. Keep it next to your cutting board while you chop and you'll be sitting down to eat in no time! $19.99

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Landfill in the Wind

Fake candles that change color? Tacky.

Fake candles with water feature?

Fake candles with remote control? Hideous.

Flameless remote control candles light with the touch of a button, creating an intimate atmosphere without worrying about a fire hazard. Use indoors or outdoors, they won't blow out. Set of three, pillar style candle's. LED lights flicker realistically. Use the remote to light or turn off one or all three. Real vanilla-scented wax adds a pleasant aroma. LEDs last up to 100,000 hours. Runs up to 60 hours. Cordless. Requires 3 AAA batteries, not included. Wax, 4", 6" and 8" candle included. $34.98

Almost Makes You Wish It Was Winter

Oh, NO! My hot dog doesn't have any mustard on it! What will I do? Use the bottle that the mustard came in? Heck no! I want to make more work for myself. I want a gimmicky, overpriced gadget that will give me more work both before and after my BBQ. I want something awkward and clumsy to use, but that the kids will enjoy running around with and dropping in the grass.

Condiment gun triggers delicious fun when dressing burgers, fries and hot dogs. Kids and adults alike can hit the target every time when squeezing ketchup, mustard or other tasty spreads on any food that calls for a shot of flavor. Two reusable cartridges are included, with red and yellow tips. Plastic, 9 x 6 x 2". $24.98

Just Buy Canned Corn, Stupid

Here's another product designed to ease the torture of eating corn. And with it comes the worst staging I have ever seen in my entire life. Aside from the obvious lighting issues (underlit corn), I have to know: Is that cardboard corn? And why does it look like there are tiny little hard-boiled eggs living inside that ear of corn?

Beyond that, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Don't come crying to me when you burn burn both your hands trying to scrape hot corn kernels off of scalding hot ears.

Corn stripper: $14.99
First Aid kit: $27
Can of corn: $.99

You May Also Like: Just Use Your Imagination, Okay?

Corn stripper stores kernels all in one motion. Grab the non-slip grips and make just a few passes to quickly harvest every juicy kernel in the built-in half-cup container. Open top makes it easy to empty corn. The container separates for cleaning and is dishwasher safe. Plastic, stainless steel and sanoprene, 4". $14.99.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Guess How Much: Furniture

Guess How Much for this half-table-mirror thingy?

A) $450.00
B) $1,989
C) $79.99
D) $180
E) none of the above

Click Read More to continue

B, as in bullshit. This artsy-fartsy, fugly, mirror-with-a-tumor costs a ridiculous $1,989. Someone needs to tell them to scoot that decimal point over to the left two places.

Anyone with basic woodworking skills could crank out the whole table, plus the chairs - and still have money left to make dinner for six.

Half an oak side table placed against a mirror, creating the illusion of a whole table. Perfect for those cramped hallways - or if you just want to make a room look bigger. Small drawer included.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I Think I Know What the Neighbors Will Think

Fake flowers and plants are stupid enough, but fake ivy now? Why? Because home values haven't plummeted enough? Because it's a "privacy emergency"?

"Oh my God. Harold, the neighbors can see my legs! Hurry, throw some fake ivy up!"

EZ-IvyTM fence privacy transforms a chain link, wooden or plastic fence into a wall of ivy with no watering or trimming required. Provides year-round privacy, hides unsightly views and enhances to curb appeal of your property. No need to wait for real ivy to grow, faux-ivy improves the view in minutes – just unroll and secure with your zip ties or staple gun. Can be trimmed to fit. Weather resistant PVC, 10' long x 38" high. $69.98

The Wind Chime of Death

Top 3 Reasons Why You Need the Wind Chime of Death:

- Ordinary wind chimes don't allow you to put a photo of your loved one on them. How can you continue to mourn without their photo spinning around to the sound of wind chimes? And most importantly, how will you be able to distinguish between your mourning and non-mourning wind chimes?

- Because, when you hear wind chimes, you automatically think 'death,' so this is a natural fit.

- $30 is all you'll have left after paying the funeral home.

Bereavement wind chime Each time you feel a breeze and hear the soft tones of this inspirational wind chime, you'll remember the times shared with your beloved friend or family member. Artfully crafted wind chime features a space for your loved one's photo, a beautifully detailed butterfly with colorful flower accents and a tender poem of remembrance. Pewter and glass, 11 1/2 x 2 1/2". $29.98

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

How to Piss Off the IT Guy

It's bad enough that people max out their cubicles with framed photos, plants, stuffed animals, child "art", and other mementos of their personal lives, but this takes it to a whole new sick (and lopsided) level.

Monitor corner frame provides nearly limitless possibilities for you to customize and organize your desktop workspace. Easily attaches to any monitor using three fastener tabs. Display your favorite photos and boost your productivity by putting frequently used office items within easy reach. Use for sticky notes, document flags, paper clips and more. Plastic, 16 2/3 x 16 2/3". $29.99

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


SUSAN: Hi, Charlie! Thanks for stopping by. Do you think you can give me an idea of what it would cost to put down some pavers in my backyard?

CHARLIE: Sure! Let me take a look.

(20 minutes later)


CHARLIE: Well, Susan, to cover this area, we're looking at about $35,000, not including labor, materials or "stone carrying fees."

SUSAN: OH, NO! (buries face in hands, sobs)

Tired of getting ripped off by evil contractors? Don't you wish you could do it all yourself for a fraction of the price?

Well now you can! These plastic stepping stones will save the day and give your property value an enormous boost! Think of the savings!

And then think about how these pieces of shit will start to sink in the corners and create a tripping hazard, sending grandma face first into the BBQ.

A set of 4 is $30, plus shipping. To get the effect shown here, be prepared to pay about 300 bucks, fools.

Instant patio "stones" transform your backyard and create attractive functional space in minutes. Easy-to-install, stone-look blocks simply lay over any unpaved surface, stay secure with patented tooth grip. Adds quick, solid terrain for walkways, barbeques, borders, pool pumps, more. Durable and weather-resistant polypropylene. Set of four, 16" squares. $29.99