Friday, March 27, 2009


This is:

A) What to do with your old lawn furniture fabric
B) A model being swallowed by a tropical parachute
C) A great way to keep the neighbors from looking in your window
D) A great way to keep the neighbors looking in your window, for it is truly ghastly

Enjoy the easy fit and soft-as-silk touch of this lovely short caftan, designed in brilliant prints. Styled with a full, easy fit and feminine V-neck, it is perfect for lounging or entertaining at home. Imported. Machine wash-and-dry polyester. One size fits sizes 8-22. Approx. length 41" $9.99.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It Should Have Been Called "Blanche"

Not only is the "Bianca pump" and assault on the eyes, but it is every tacky evening wear cliche all rolled into one!

Gold fabric, both inside and out? Check.
"Exotic" zebra print? Check.
Open toe? Check.
Synthetic sure-to-kill-your-feet-and-give-you-horrific-blisters fabric? Check.

"Bianca" Pump is glittery, golden and splashed with zebra stripes. This shoe is the height of exotic style with a 3 1/2" heel. Synthetic.$89.95

Attitude Adjustment

What's the worst part about the "Attitude" dress?

A) the pattern
B) the name
C) the awkward posing of the model
C) the asymmetrical black sleeve that makes it look as if they just ran out of fabric
D) the Golden Girls shoes
E) are you kidding? all of the above!

Attitude Dress: The bold geometric print on our exclusive dress adds a touch of city-chic attitude to your look. Knit, V-neck dress has 3/4-length sleeves, with one sleeve in contrasting black. Polyester/spandex; hand wash. Made in USA and imported. $36.99

Cross This One Off Your Shopping List

You know what's scary to me? Knowing that not even the phrases "gold-toned" and "leather-like," nor the $9.99 price tag, will keep the faithful away from this blasphemous piece of shit.

The enduring symbol of faith becomes the face of this heavenly watch. Crafted in gold-toned metal with reliable quartz-accurate movement and an adjustable gold-toned leather-like band, it is a wonderful reminder to keep the faith, every minute of your day. 8 1/2". $9.99

Purple Pain

Ever wonder what would happen if you killed Barney the dinosaur, made a dress from his skin, and then hung that dress in a damp, moldy closet for over a year?

Here you go.

Vibrant purple, black and earthtone patchwork dress lets you be beautiful in supreme comfort you can enjoy all day. The softly-draping 2-piece style is kissed with colored beads and sequins and features an attached top/skirt combo with asymmetrical details and flared sleeves. Rayon; hand wash. Imported. $52.99

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

But Does it Have Bluetooth?

Which would you rather have?

A) A real antique telephone with history, bought at an auction (ie: eBay)

B) A cheap, corny, stupid look-a-like with push buttons and a Made in China sticker on its ass.

Think long and hard before you answer.

1950's style pay phone with modern features is a fully functional, updated three-slot, touch-tone replica that will bring retro-chic to your home decor. Go back in time to the days of old-fashioned pay phone booths and 10-cent phone calls. No money is required, but this added feature lets you store coins in the built-in coin bank and enjoy the jingle as they drop. Features push buttons, rotary fashion dial, redial, tone/pulse switch, ringer volume on/off switch, volume control, coin bank. Wall mount or sit on countertop. Metal, 6 1/2 x 9 x 18 1/4". $69.98

Just Stick to Cars, Okay?

I was tempted to go easy on this thing because it's made in Germany and not China (where 99.99% of the world's garbage comes from), but then I came to my senses.

Like pasta and music? Sure you do. But who has time to stand around waiting for the spaghetti to cook? You have TV shows to catch up on! Stick this little creepy red flasher fella in with the pasta and wait. After seven minutes in boiling water, you'll start to hear music. Then you'll know the pasta for your Kraft macaroni and cheese is finally done!

Now, I don't know why the hell you can't just buy a kitchen timer, use the clock on your microwave, or look at your watch, but I digress.

It becomes even more of a waste of money when you realize you're spending 30 bucks for something you can only use when you cook pasta. It's not like you can throw it in the oven when you bake cookies or lasagna.

For 15 bucks, you can buy a real kitchen timer that won't become Fido's chew toy after you leave it on the counter to dry.

Cook perfect pasta every time when “Al Dente” plays opera. Simply place the food-safe timer in the boiling water along with the pasta. At 7 elapsed minutes, you’ll hear 30 seconds of the “Triumphal March” from Aida; at 9 minutes, the “Chorus of Hebrew Slaves” from Nabucco; and at 11 minutes, the “La Donna mobile” from Rigoletto. Made in Germany. 5½" x 1¼" $29.00

Monday, March 23, 2009

Pizza Bib Not Included

Now, I have seen some stupid pizza-related crap before.

First, there was the sectioned pizza pan:

Then there was the pizza cutter & fork

Now we scissors?

Is this really necessary? Give me a break, people. And look how tiny those slices are! If you actually need a gadget to cut baby-sized pizza slices for you then maybe you need to go back to being bottle-fed. I shudder to think what would happen to you in NYC, where pizza slices are massive. Maybe you can get the nice man behind the counter to cut it up for you in itty bitty pieces - so you can eat like a 3 year-old.

Shear genius. It’s hard to improve the pizza eating experience - but this thing does. Cut and serve piping hot pizza slices without the stringy cheesy messy-ness. Sharp serrated stainless steel scissor blades with a built-in wedge-shaped spatula. Prevents damage to pans and serving dishes. Dishwasher safe. $20.00

This is the Pits

Alright, enough already.

Why are so many kitchen gadgets designed to look like goofy TOYS? What the hell is going on? To make matters worse, this stupidly-named Cherry Chomper is actually designed so that kids can "help out" in the kitchen.

You know what? I don't want kids in my kitchen, and I don't want your kids preparing my food. That's disgusting.

Click here, to see a real cherry pitter. It's cheaper, doesn't look like a freaking toy, will take up less space in your kitchen drawer, and will last a lot longer than this Playskool crap.

Cherry chomper provides a safe, quick and clean way to pit cherries. Plunger design action pushes pit and residual juice into the bottom container. The protective 'tooth' ensures that hands and fingers stay safely out of the way. A fun tool for kids in the kitchen and a big help for those who suffer from arthritis. ABS plastic, 3 3/4 x 2 1/2 x 6". $14.98

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Don't Throw Out Your Old Clock Radio Just Yet

This stupid battery powered alarm clock rings like a telephone to wake you up. When you stupidly answer, you hear a stupid make-believe wake up call, so you can pretend you're on vacation. Then you press "5" to get 5 more minutes of sleep.

And you can imagine what might go wrong.


MARY: Oh, for fuck's sake.

(picks up phone)

MARY: Yes, yes, you stupid piece of shit I want 5 more minutes of sleep. (presses 5 and hangs up)

Following Day

MR. SMITH: Good morning, Mary...

MARY: Good Morning, Mr. Smith.

MR. SMITH: Um, Mary...

MARY: Yes, Mr. Smith?

MR. SMITH: Is everything alright? Are you feeling better today?

MARY: Yes...why do you ask?

MR. SMITH: Well, you see, I called you this morning to see if you were feeling better after that stomach virus and I could have sworn I heard you say 'Yes, you stupid piece of shit I want 5 more minutes of sleep'?

MARY: see...

MR. SMITH: Maybe you'd better take the rest of the day off before you say anything else.

Wake-up call alarm clock without annoying beeping sounds or loud radio DJ's. Instead, wake to a ringing phone and pick up the receiver to hear "This is your wake up call, if you would like another one in 5 minutes, please press 5 now." Easy to use clock and alarm set functions, snooze and backlight. Not a working telephone. Requires 3 AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 8 x 5 x 4" $24.98

Will They Take a Rubber Check?

This delightful jewelry armoire costs $220 and is made of Rubberwood and MDF.

I just had to get that out of the way. Why? Well, read on, kids.

Now I know that MDF is plastic, but what the hell is rubberwood? Is it a fancy name for plastic? I had come across this term a while back, but never gave it a second thought.

So I did a little poking around the internet, and here is what I learned:

In promoting the wood, sellers often go overboard and make false claims about its strength and durability.

The wood, sometimes also called parawood, is very susceptible to decay and should be used only indoors. It tends to warp notably during drying. However, it is fairly easy to work, and glues well. As the wood is rather soft, it is mostly used in cheap products, such as toys and cutting boards, but it can be used in furniture.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but if you have enough jewelry to fill this thing, then you can probably afford something that won't warp and disintegrate on a humid day.

Standing jewelry armoire stands a whopping 40" high and is roomy enough to accommodate your entire jewelry collection. Features two larger drawers at the bottom for larger pieces and four smaller drawers with dividers to organize smaller loose pieces. Both sides swing out to reveal hanging hooks for bracelets and necklaces, and the top opens to display compartments and rows designed to hold rings. Rubberwood and MDF. 15 3/4 x 10 1/2 x 40" This product is shipped directly from the manufacturer and typically ships within 5-7 days. Extra $10 shipping $219.98

Monday, March 16, 2009

Actually, a Shoe Works Better

Well this is no fun. What's the point of pretending to shoot something when the "gun" is shaped like an effeminate remote control?

And I don't know about you, but "laser accuracy" and "morning grogginess" do not mix in my house.

Why shut your alarm clock off when you can “shoot” it off? Laser target alarm clock challenges you to a showdown with Father Time every morning. Just press the trigger remote to shoot a laser beam directly into the target—but be sure to aim straight because the alarm won’t stop until the clock is shot! Laser batteries included; clock uses 3 AA batteries (not incl.). Approx. 7 1/2" H.

Peel and Shit

In the world of DIY on the Cheap products, if you want it done fast and you don't care about the end result, then look for the words "peel and stick."

Case in point:

Peel and stick floor tiles
Peel and stick "marble" wall tiles

Peel and stick crown molding
More Peel and stick crown molding
Peel and stick fake stainless steel
Peel and stick cabinet refacing

And now...Peel and Stick Fake Wood Flooring.

What a great idea! I'm sure that your average "down on their luck" DIY homeowner has the skills necessary to lay these down neatly and accurately, without them sticking to each other or coming loose after about a week because they were too lazy to clean the dirty vinyl kitchen floor underneath.

Vinyl "Hardwood" Planks give your floors the look of real hardwood at a fraction of the cost. Use in kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms and basements for a quick floor makeover. Ideal for high traffic areas. Easy to install - simply peel and stick over existing floors. Sweep and clean with vacuum or damp mop. Each plank measures 6"W x 36"L; 10 plank box covers 15sq. ft. 19.98

Friday, March 13, 2009

What Would Gordon Do?

If you already own a Pyrex measuring cup, a spoon, and a knife, then you probably don't need this piece of shit. But let's have a look anyway.

To sum up:

It's plastic, which means it will be scuzzy and sticky after a few months.

As careful as you think you are, you're going to lose that top the second time you plan on using it.

It makes it easier for you to double, even triple your butter consumption. (it's going to kill you)

Here is my solution:

Next time the urge strikes to buy some stupid kitchen gadget, just ask yourself the following question:

"How loudly would Gordon Ramsay scream if he saw me using this?"

Melting butter has never been easier! Microwaveable container with lid cuts butter with knife-like precision, then melts it quickly and easily. Built-in cutter also serves as a mixing paddle for stirring melted butter or chocolate. Spouts on both sides assure drip-free pouring; easy-read markings show measurements at a glance. 1 cup capacity. Dishwasher safe plastic. $7.98

One Man's Still Crap

Well, what do we have here? It's a mystery box! What could be inside? Hmm, it's "valued" at $100, but costs only $35! I wonder what could be inside. 10 bucks worth of random shit from the 99-cent store? A coloring book, generic toothpaste, a hairbrush and a couple of place mats?

If we weren't in such a soul-crushing recession I would order one right now, photograph the contents, and then send it back. You can find it here, if you're brave enough to try for yourself.

It's bad enough people buy garbage they don't need, but to spend 35 bucks and not have any idea what the fuck you're getting is just reckless, and I'd say you probably deserve it for being so damn naive (and lazy).

Lighter Side Surprise Package ($100 Value)
A $100 value, this Surprise Package features toys, books, novelties, gadgets, videos, funmakers, bargains, & MORE! Each Surprise Package is valued at 2 or more times the price you pay; each item is brand new, first quality. Sorry, we cannot honor requests for specific types of merchandise, sizes, or partial returns. $34.98