Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Silent Fright

This has to be one of the ugliest clocks ever created the ugliest clock ever created.

Does it really need to play music to get your attention? The graphics are enough to sober up even the drunkest holiday party guest.

Twelve days of Christmas sound clock plays a different carol at the top of every hour! Depicted on the clock's face are each of the corresponding 12 days of Christmas, from Partridge in a Pear Tree to Twelve Drummers Drumming. Each hour hear anything from "The First Noel" or "Up on the Housetop" to "Deck the Halls" or "Silent Night." Twelve carols in all! Includes a rear hanging slot. Requires three AA batteries (not included). Plastic, 9 1/2". $19.98

Sunday, November 15, 2009


You know what's scarier than this vest?

Knowing that that there is a warehouse full of these in China, just waiting for the next barge to deliver them to the United States, where they will be bought and worn by desperate housewives with wretched taste.

Click to enlarge. I dare you.

Sequined Poinsettia Vest You'll shine with holiday charm in our gorgeous silk, beaded poinsettias V-neck vest with its luxurious sequins and bugle-beads design. Side slits offer extra comfort. Hook-and-eye front closure. Polyester lining. Spot clean only. Imported. $49.95 Sizes: S (4-6), M (8-10), L (12-14), XL (16), 1X (16W-18W), 2X (18W-20W), 3X (20W-22W); 20" long. (1X-3X) Add $10

Thursday, October 29, 2009


So, a girl walks into the ladies apparel section of a department store store and says, "I'm looking for something that says, 'Hideous Italian-esque Table Runner' What do you have?"

Luxurious Francesca Caftan The second you slip into this satiny-soft caftan, your escape to a pampering experience begins. Caressed by luxurious fabric that flows and drapes in a most beautiful way, you're free to relax and rejuvenate your spirit. Sumptuous poly in emerald, gold and sapphire tones. Machine washable. Imported. One size fits most. 54" long. $39.99

Juice is Full of Sugar Anyway

Here's another one of those items that makes you wonder if it was ever tested in the real world.

It's so flawed, that it should have it's own TV show. Rock n' Pour Grandma, starring Betty White.

Okay, first of all, unless Grandma has a refrigerator the size of a Honda Civic, that big-ass piece of plastic is staying on the counter.

Second of all, Grandma has to lug the heavy container from the fridge and put it in this thing. And if she can handle that, she can certainly pour.

Third, just by looking at this picture, you know what is going to happen when Grandma loses her grip on the neck and that thing goes flying back the other way, spraying juice all over the kitchen.

Great. Now Grandma has to mop up the kitchen - if she doesn't slip on the spilled juice and break her hip first.

Maybe smaller containers would be a better idea if you're weaker than a newborn kitten.

Roll n' Pour rocking beverage server helps you pour beverages from bulky heavy bottles without spills or dropping the bottle. Easy to use. Just place the beverage in the cradle, rock it forward and pour at your own pace. Ideal for people with arthritis, weak hands or sore backs. Plastic, 13 1/4 x 6 1/4 x 8 $19.98

Maybe They Should Have Left That Style Out

I'm having a hard time figuring out how this was marketed as a pearl necklace without the heavy use of quotation marks.

But what's even more perplexing is the suggested "style" shown below, on the left. Is that what I think it is?

HUSBAND: Here ya go bitch, happy birthday.

WIFE: God damn you! Give me that box!

(rips open the box)

HUSBAND: I hope you like it. That's all your getting, you know.

WIFE: A...fake pearl necklace? You son of a bitch! I should have known to lower my standards, considering that you're hung like a thumbtack.

HUSBAND: I knew you wouldn't like it, you fussy old hag.

WIFE: You know what? I've had it. I'm going to go kill myself!

HUSBAND: Really? You promise?

WIFE: Yeah. I promise.

HUSBAND: Well, actually, that necklace can be made into a noose. Here, let me show you how.

Lustrous luxurious pearls glow against evening wear, sweaters, blazers and dresses. Wrap yourself in a full 100 inch strand of 360 perfectly-matched, hand-knotted white pearls. You can wear this necklace with a single loop or multiple loops depending on your attire, even as a multi-strand choker. Pearls shimmer with a luminescent glow against dark fabrics. A magnificent value below $30... great gift for a friend! $29.99

"High" Fashion

Fanny pack. Two of the most embarrassing words in the English language when put together. But how do you market these while avoiding their automatic stigma?

Call them "convertible carryalls"
Tell people they were "designed by flight attendants."

Convertible Carryall organizes days into nights with 14 separate pockets! Flight attendants designed this bag to travel lightly, yet find necessities in seconds. Carry it over your shoulder, by hand or clip it around your waist. Nylon carryall is 8 1/2" x 1" x 6"; strap adjusts to 52" long. $9.99

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Don't Be Such a Chicken Head

Have you ever wondered what a puking chicken looks like?

Just because it's "cute", that doesn't mean you need it. You wanna know how I separate eggs? I use a plastic slotted spoon. And so should you.

Crack in egg and pour...only white comes through. Dishwasher safe porcelain is 3" high, 2 1/2" wide. $3.99

Why Isn't Richard Simmons Pushing This?

Here is a gadget aimed at people who don't have the common sense to learn how to cook properly. Like that special brand of hypocrite who thinks they're really making healthy choices by sopping up the pizza grease with a napkin before they eat it.

The Fat Mop is the ultimate fat-busting kitchen gadget! Just dunk the Fat Mop into that fattening chili, soup, or stew and watch the calories disappear! Now you can double up on portions without guilt! Works great on ice cream, too!

Fat Mop makes meals healthier! A quick twist removes grease-laden oil...fat, cholesterol and calories are whisked away. Just stir into soups, stews or chili to soak up grease. Plastic with premium fibers cleans with dish soap. Long 13 1/4" brush keeps you safely away from heat. $9.99

I Hope I Can Find Matching Shoes

Finally, I have something to wear for Thanksgiving!

Turkey Hat. Add a Giggle to Your Gobble this Thanksgiving with this comfortable, plush cap. Whether worn by the host or hostess or presented as a gift this cap will be a source of Thanksgiving family fun, filled with great memories. One size fits most. 13½"H. Imported. $9.99

Friday, October 23, 2009

Take it Outside, Buddy

Here is an item that the designers probably never tested in the real world. It's an ice cube tray that pops out ice cubes in the shape of shot glasses. The "need" comes from the thousands of deaths each year due to "shot-glass-washing exhaustion."

In theory, your guests will take a shot, and then place the empty ice-glass in the sink, where it will melt down the drain.

In reality, your guests will take a shot, and then drop the slippery, melting empty ice-glass on your coffee table, where it will melt unnoticed and warp the fuck out of it because you are too lazy to wash four shot glasses. Happy now?

Cool Shootersª are shot glasses made of ice! Create the perfect ice-breaker for party guests and add a chill to your favorite spirits. Simply pour water (or fruit juice) into the silicone mold and pop it into the freezer. The result is four fully-formed decorative glasses you'll never have to wash! Silicone, 5 x 5 x 2 3/4". 5.99

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Boy in the Bubble

Okay, I was wrong about the bust being the the worst Obama-related bit of merchandising.

This is:

I don't know who's head is trapped in that bubble, but it's not Barack. Anyone recognize this man?

Obama musical snow globe is a one of a kind tribute to the 44th president. Shake globe to make glittering red, blue and silver stars dance around a realistic bust of the President. Wind up musical feature plays "America the Beautiful." A great gift for any collector or Obama enthusiast. Polyresin, 4 x 4 x 5 1/2". $24.99

And She Was Never Seen Again

Oh, this is just so sad. The snow pusher is designed to bridge the gap between manual shoves that break your back and snow throwers.

Just looking at this picture, I already know how it's going to end. (nevermind the fact that you can clearly see the tire tracks from the snow thrower that was used to clear the pathway here)

JIM: Hey Bob!

BOB: Hey Jim!

JIM: Lots of snow out here today, huh?

BOB: Oh, boy, you said it. Looks like we got at least a foot last night.

JIM: It's pretty bad. I'm glad I got that snow thrower last month. Say, you want some help with your sidewalk there?

BOB: No, it's fine. My wife just bought me this here snow pusher.

JIM: Snow pusher?

BOB: Yeah. Watch.

(Jim drops the snow pusher down and rolls it forward. It moves an inch and stops. Jim struggles, pushing it harder, until the handle bends.)

BOB: Jim, you know...it's no big deal. It will only take a minute or so..

JIM: No, I'm fine!

(snow pusher breaks completely in half, sending Jim face-down into the snow)

BOB: You okay, there, Jim?

(Jim gets up, brushes the snow off his jacket)

JIM: Yeah, I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to have a little talk with the wife.

Rolling snow pusher saves your back from heavy lifting or awkward bending. The lightweight frame, easy-roll wheels and specially-designed 181/4 x 11" metal blade combine to clear out even heavy snow with minimal effort. It turns one of winter's chores into a pleasurable activity. Wheels have sure-grip tread for added traction. $19.98

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Popcorn bowls are so fucking boring. If only there was a bowl that not only allowed me to play with my popcorn, but that would also hold my remotes, a fattening beverage and and had a name that reminded me of some fucking stupid 1980's catch-phrase.

Hmm, what's this?

Popcorn basketball bowl take game time to the next level with this clever combination snack-holder. Pile popcorn high in the six-quart bowl that features a kernel separator and holders for a remote control, beverages and napkins. Then it's time to test your accuracy with the flexible launching device and hoop. Easy to clean. Polypropylene and plastic, 16 1/2 x 9 1/2 x 8". $19.98

Barf Deco

If the Chrysler building and the Empire State building had an ugly little sweater baby, this would be it.

Jazzy stripes give dynamic geometric detail to a classic cream pullover. Stylish with trousers or jeans, it has a 1/4-zip front with ribbed collar, hem and cuffs. Cotton/acrylic; machine wash. Imported. Men's M(46), L(48), XL(50), XXL(52). $59.95

Reason Number 2,458 to Stay Out of Politics

Alright, enough already. The "commemorative" plates, plaques, coins, action figures, throws, pillows, and watches were bad enough, but a $25.00 plastic Obama bust? Leave the president alone already. Please.

And it doesn't even look like him. I keep seeing a slightly older Gary Coleman staring up at Mr. Drummond and it's freaking me out.

Obama Bust honors our 44th President. Bring art off the pedestal and into everyday life. Place it on the mantle above your fireplace or on your favorite bookcase. Send it to college with your son or daughter to remind them that in this nation every voice counts. Change has come to America. Resin. $24.98

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Where Plastic Soda Bottles Go to Die


Seriously, what in Halloween were they thinking when they designed these hideous synthetic, overpriced boots? They look like they were stolen from the set of Sex and the Grisly.

There is so much going on that there is nothing on the planet that you could wear with them. You might as well just go naked. No one will notice you because they'll only see these.

Attract attention when you walk down the street in these trendy boots. Croc print in bronze-tone, patches of pleats and stud detailing add to their unique style. Boot has inside zip, square toe and 2 3/4" heel. 17" high. Synthetic. Full and half sizes M(medium) and W(wide) 6-10, 11, 12. $119.99

Salmonella In a Box

Because you don't have enough shit to clean up after making dinner, here comes the breader bowl! Designed to make it even easier to fatten up your deep-fried fat family.

What scares me the most about this thing is this part: "Simply place items in the extra-deep bowl and pour breading or batter over top. The excess collects in the base to be used again."

I don't know. Something about putting raw chicken in there, not washing it out as you reuse it to make onion rings, then mindlessly killing your entire family doesn't sit right with me.

Breader bowl allows for easy application of breading or batter on meats and vegetables. Simply place items in the extra-deep bowl and pour breading or batter over top. The excess collects in the base to be used again. Great for chicken, onion rings, seafood, vegetables and more. Prep and store fully-coated food all in one compact container. Dishwasher safe, with an air-tight seal for storage and transport. Plastic, 10 1/4 x 7 x 6 3/4". $14.98

Does It Run on Blood, Too?

Dear Amazing Water Clock,

Look at you, sitting there with that smirk on your face. You're probably thinking, "I'll show those energy companies and battery makers a thing or two."

But here's what I'm thinking. While I really don't know how you work, I'm puzzled as to why in lieu of water, you suggest fruit juice, coffee, beer and soft drinks to run yourself. That is just disgusting. I'll take my chances with electricity.

The Amazing Water Clock is a true environmentally-friendly green product, keeping time without the need for any electricity, batteries or solar cells. Built into this compact and attractive design is a large digital LCD display that is powered by nature, using water or any electrolytic fluid such as fruit juice, coffee, beer and soft drinks as the power source.$15.99

Monday, October 19, 2009

Have Your Cake and Seal it Too

Hate stale cake? Who doesn't? Too cheap to buy a roll of plastic wrap? Do you like magic? Of course you do. Everybody likes magic.

Jam this beautiful plastic gadget into that fresh birthday cake and/or pie and watch the magic begin...

You see, if you leave the uneaten portion of the cake whole in your refrigerator, it will instantly go stale and crumble into dust - right before your eyes. But if you buy this magical gadget, it will seal in the flavor like nobody's business. Even the unprotected frosting will be just like the day you bought it! It's magic.

Cut 'N' Stay Fresh Divide Cakes, Pies and Desserts into Perfect Portions and keep desserts fresh longer. Cut ’N’ Stay Fresh slices and seals in flavor. The last piece is as deliciously moist as the first! Place individual dividers into the barrel and press into dessert to create 12, 6 or 4 slices. Voilá! Instant, equal servings for all your guests. Each plastic divider is 3"H; 10½" dia. overall. Plastic is dishwasher-safe. $21.99

Clean Up, Aisle Seven!

What do you get when you combine flimsy, plastic-coated wire shelving, "no tool" DIY assembly, suction cup mounting and heavy bottles of bleach and detergent?

I don't think you want to find out.

Suction Utility Shelves make the most of little space by mounting in seconds to your washer or dryer with powerful suction cups to create room for storing and organizing laundry and cleaning supplies. Keep laundry essentials close at hand. Maximize the storage potential in tight spaces. Easy to assemble. No tools required. Steel, 16 x 8 1/2 x 23". $19.98

Maybe Pizza Just Isn't For You

Alright, "inventors," can we stop trying to perfect the perfect pizza cutting and serving tool? They all suck, and this one isn't any better. Look how tiny that cutting wheel is! If your pizza crust is thicker than a Ritz cracker, that wheel is going to get buried faster than the landing gear of a jumbo jet in a muddy field.

Honestly, how much time are you saving here? Just buy a real pizza cutting wheel and stop being a baby.

Pizza cutter and spatula is the only tool you'll need to slice and serve the perfect piece of pizza. Combined pizza wheel and spatula is easy to use and clean. Just use the wheel to cut slices, then serve with spatula. Features comfort grip handle and durable construction. Plastic and stainless steel, 12 1/2 x 3 1/3". $12.98

Friday, October 16, 2009

Why Not Add a Fourth Case?

This picture just gets on my last nerve.

Why? Because there is no way in hell that woman is balancing three heavy cases of water on that flimsy cart with barely any effort and one hand - without having that cart suddenly lurch back into a standing position, fucking up her back and likely crippling her from the waist down.

Folding hand cart hauls heavy loads with ease, then folds flat for easy storage. Give your back a break as you transport cabinets, boxes, trashcans and more. Sturdy stainless-steal design supports up to 150 lbs., large rubber tires roll over even the roughest terrain. Locking handle has a comfortable foam grip. Extends to 17 x 20 x 38", collapses down to 30 x 19 x 2". $59.98

Yeah, This is Believable

How many times am I going to say "Well, now I've seen everything," only to be proven wrong by something like this?

It's a hair coloring brush. No, you get out.

You fill it with your hair color (through a dime-sized hole) and then just brush your way straight onto that magazine cover. Look how easy it is! WOW!

Notice how they've used a very obvious wig and some photoshopping here, probably after destroying the model's hair on the first try. Or maybe she just said, "You touch my hair with that and I'll break your neck."

The claim is that you don't have to "spend a fortune at the salon" and that got me thinking.

I called a few salons to find out if this was the way they color hair, but they all hung up on me. I guess they don't want to give up their secrets.

Cordless electric hair coloring brush gives you perfect, at home hair color so you don't have to spend a fortune at the salon. Just fill this special brush with your color of choice, turn on and start coloring. Color control system distributes color evenly with precision. Get professional results in half the time. Requires two AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 10 1/2 x 3 x 3 1/2". $19.98

Or, You Could Buy 29 More Tickets

Are you lazy, stupid, and financially irresponsible, yet constantly dreaming of winning the lottery? This is right up your alley.

Talking lottery number picker chooses numbers for you. If you're tired of picking losing lotto numbers, this soothsayer will do the honors. He'll choose numbers for Pick 3, Pick 4, Mega Millions, Powerball and Hot Lotto. Just push the name of the game and then play. With the help of an electronic randomizing (they say that's your best chance!) chip, he'll announce your lucky numbers while moving his mouth. Requires three AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 4 x 5 x 7". $29.98

For That Special Plumber in Your Life

You always hear people using the phrase, "flushing your money down the toilet."

Now there's a visual for it.

Flushing sound toilet clock adds a little humor to your day. Toilet seat shaped clock will make you laugh when you hear its flushing sound... on the hour. Makes a great gag gift. Requires four AA batteries, not included. Plastic, 9 1/2 x 2".$24.98

People First, Then Money, Then Anything But This

Suze Orman: Alright everyone, thanks for joining us for our Can I Afford It segment. Our first caller is Judy from Florida. Hi, Judy!

Judy: Hi, Suze! I'm a big fan of your show!

SO: Well thank you, Judy. What do you wanna buy?

J: (voice trembling slightly) Well, Suzie, I want to buy a Floral Desk Set?

SO: A Floral... Desk set?

J: Yes.

SO: And how much is this floral desk set?

J: It's $25.00. (image of Floral Desk Set appears on screen)

SO: (inhales) Gee, I dunno. Looks like a piece of crap. Are you sure about this?

J: Yes, I really need this to spruce up my home office. My husband says I'm crazy.

SO: Alright, show me the money.

J: I've got about $25,000 in credit card debt, $150,000 left on my mortgage, $10,000 car loan, and about $15.78 in savings.


J: Hello? Suze, are you there?

Floral desk set adds a feminine touch to everyday office supplies. The unique style makes it easy to identify the items that belong to you. Makes a great gift for the professional women in your life. Choose stapler, scissors, calculator, or all three!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Now That is Classy

I don't know. Drinking beer out of a glass made to look like a severed beer bottle top kinda defeats the purpose of using a glass, no?

Am I thinking too much? Probably.

Hopside Down is bottled beer in a glass! An ordinary brewski becomes something special when poured into this hand-blown work of art, featuring an interior shaped precisely like an upside-down longneck bottle. The unique double-wall design is as satisfying as the beverage inside. Bottoms up! Glass, 7". $19.98

Morphs Your Wallet, Too

Rejected commercial for the Morphing Nativity:

Hey, Jesus Lovers! Do you love the Almighty, but hate boring, wooden nativities? Well, now there's the incredible MORPHING NATIVITY! (echo effects, laser sounds)

(techno music starts)

The awesome MORPHING NATIVITY is made with GENUINE acrylic and looks just like CRYSTAL!

Just imagine the looks on their faces when they come face-to-face with this extraordinary MORPHING NATIVITY! (shots of people fainting, woman falls backwards onto Christmas tree)

The MORPHING NATIVITY changes COLOR right before your EYES! Other nativities don't do that! Best of all, it's only $9.98! Order now, or go straight to HEEEEELL! (echo effects, thunder)

Morphing nativity has look of cut crystal. Depicts the birth of Jesus in a dynamic lighted display that changes colors. Enhances holiday decor on a mantle or end table, or elsewhere. Makes a great gift. Requires two lithium batteries (included). Unbreakable acrylic, 3 x 2 3/4 x 4 3/4". $9.98

Don't You Want To Run Your Fingers Through It?

Is this poorly Photoshopped Hair Visor:

Further proof that people will buy anything?
A frightening testament to the popularity of Food Network's repulsive Guy Fieri?

Hair visor shows off your wild side! Turn heads everywhere you go with this fun and flashy lid that fuses fuzzy hair to a comfortable visor. Choose from four different color combos. Made of cloth. $14.98

Another Reason to Stay Out of Politics

So, I'm still trying to figure out what to wear for Halloween. Should I go as Godzilla Meets Mr. Ed? Or should I put on a skirt and go as Angelina Jolie with Helmet Hair.

Oh wait. That's supposed to be Barack and Michelle? Ouch. Here's reason 2,457 to stay out of politics. You end up as a disfigured mask for Halloween.

Barack and Michelle Obama masks transform you into the President and First Lady without the need for a Secret Service detail. Realistic masks are fun to wear and are the year's hottest Halloween instant party costumes. Rubber. $14.98

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mirror Paper on the Wall, Who's the Dumbest of Them All?

Mirror on a roll turns any wall, ceiling, or door into an instant mirror. Self-adhesive mirror cuts to any size or shape and will not shatter! Make any room look brighter and larger for a fraction of a traditional mirror's cost. Great for hallways, bedrooms, bathrooms and more. Five foot long roll is 24"W. $19.98

What do you do when you're clumsy, stupid, and cheap, yet vain at the same time? Well, you save your pennies and buy a roll of shatter-proof "mirror".

Not only will it be easy to apply, but I'm sure it won't look like you just rolled aluminum foil onto the wall and your reflection will never look like that of a fun house mirror.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Because Rulers are for Wimps

Here's a product that I don't understand.

How the hell can you possibly cut a straight line when the laser is attached to the scissors that you're moving the whole time?

Laser Scissors You can cut a straight line! Just aim the pin-point laser and follow the line. No marking, no crooked cuts. Metal, 8 1/2 x 3 1/2 x 1".

I Think I Threw Out That Blue Shirt in 1986

Vinyl Coverettes slide over clothes on closet rod, providing clear and easy access, shields wardrobe from dust and mildew. Front slit allows quick retrieval of clothes, providing protection without the hassle of zippers.

Do you know what it means when haven't worn something in so long that you need a dust cover for it?

It means that you need to start thinning out the closet. I'd start with everything on this rack.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Cat's Me-OW

A lot of cat and dog products tend to get marketed based on very basic stereotypes:

1. Cats are mean and/or aloof.

2. Dogs are happy and playful.

Now, I have encountered friendly, social cats and mean, scary dogs, but I have yet to see this in real life.

If you're interested, this cat-gets-it-up-the-you-know-what is available in black or white, but, for some strange reason, the choice is not up to you, but the communists at Taylor Gifts.

Cat pencil sharpener meows while it works! A great home or office addition for feline fanatics, combining fun with function. Hones graphite faster than a cat sharpening its claws on a scratching post. Requires one watch battery (included). Available in white or black, please let us choose. Plastic, 4 3/4 x 1 3/4 x 5 3/4". $19.98

Thanks to Jessica, of The Blog of a Gamer Girlfriend for the tip.

As Good as Sold!

Redecorate in an instant! Attractive microsuede furniture covers change the look of any chair, loveseat or sofa without costly reupholstering. Protect from dirt and stains, make worn furniture look like new again. 100% polyester covers come in 4 colors: chocolate, beige, sage, burgundy. Machine washable. Imported. Chair is 90" L x 70" W; loveseat is 140" L x 70" W; sofa is 170" L x 70" W.

I'm having trouble selling my apartment and my real estate agent advised me to buy some slip covers to hide my ugly, old furniture.

I think these will really do the job. Which color should I get? I'm torn between the 1978 Cadillac Brown and 1996 Shower Curtain Burgundy.

Or, You Could Just Throw Out a Few Pairs

Hey, Ladies! Run out of room in the closet and under your bed for all the shoes you never wear? Well, this gorgeous, top-quality bed skirt is just what you need! It has 18 vinyl pockets that will last forever and won't explode when you try to cram your husbands big, ugly sneakers in them. It's fantastic!

The shoe organizing bed skirt will also hold:

the remote control!
a box of tissues!
a loaf of bread!
a frying pan!
sex toys!

and much, much more! Call 1-800-IMA-DOLT right now! The first ten callers will receive a useless keychain with their order!

End shoe clutter forever! Shoe organizing bed skirt has 18 see-thru pockets to hold and give quick access to all your shoes. Just place under your mattress and let the pockets hang over both sides of bed. Also use to store toys, books, magazines. $14.98

Friday, July 17, 2009


This is, without a doubt, the pinnacle of laziness.

Really, how long have toothpaste tubes been around? 80-100 years? And NOW we decide we need a dispenser for them?

Touch-N-Brush Toothpaste hands-free dispenser prevents waste by dispensing the perfect amount of toothpaste every time. Say goodbye to sticky, messy sinks and counters. A touch of the pump dispenses a perfect strip of fresh toothpaste on your brush. Holds any size toothpaste tube, and is easy to use, install and refill. Vacuum technology forces out every last drop of toothpaste. Suctions to smooth surfaces. Includes electric toothbrush. Requires two AA batteries, not included. Plastic, rubber, 3 1/4 x 3 x 10 1/4. $19.98

Put Down the Knife and Step Out of the Kitchen

Here's another gadget aimed at wimps who can't figure out the most basic cooking techniques. I don't know, this looks like some kind of sex toy for horses.

How about this, people: if it gets to the point where you can't cut a carrot without slicing off part of your finger, then you shouldn't be cooking - at all.

Protect fingertips when chopping and dicing fruits and vegetables! Ingenious finger guards grip food securely while shielding your hand from sharp knife edges. Made of rubber and plastic for a soft, non-slip grip that flexes naturally with finger movements. Rinses clean. 3-1/2" L.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Evergreens Aren't Forever, You Know

In this tough economic time, it's hard to keep up with the maintaining of your lawn and shrubbery. Luckily, these fake bushes and trees will help to give the illusion of a well-manicured lawn at a fraction of the price.

Best of all, when your house goes into foreclosure because you're buying fake shit for your lawn and not paying off your credit card bills, you can take them with you to the trailer park!

If you or someone you know has recently purchased and installed these fake bushes and trees, I'd like to hear from you. Please leave your address in the comments so that I can come over and drive a tank through your house in the middle of the night admire them.

Faux evergreen decorative shrubs are a simple way to add the beauty of live evergreens to your home, without the fuss of real ones. Use them indoors or out. Place them on your porch, patio or even in entryways. If you don't tell, no one will know they aren't real. No need to worry about watering and feeding! They are maintenance free, deer proof and will not fade. Shrubs arrive 'planted' in dark green plastic pots. Add your own lights and pedestal planters. Plastic.

I'd Rather Eat Old Coffee Grinds

According to the makers of the Ronco Coffeetime system, cold brewing coffee results in 65% less acid for fucking crybabies those with sensitive stomachs.

Just look at this thing. It looks like it was designed in 1982.

Simply load the fucker up the way you would your hot coffee maker and add cold water. After it brews, simply pour yourself a cup of the resulting concentrate and add hot water. You can put the rest in the refrigerator, where it will last for weeks! Doesn't that sound delish?

Of course, in this economy, they're banking on those of us who are on the verge of filing for bankruptcy because of our addiction to Starbucks coffee.

(It's called moderation, people. You can still have your Starbucks, just not every day.)

Fuck this. I'd rather get a second job to pay for my coffee than take my chances with week-old refrigerated sludge. Ron Popeil can suck it.

Coffee Time™ brew system makes tasty café-style drinks at home for just pennies a cup! Revolutionary cold brewing system creates a mixable coffee concentrate that lasts for weeks and reduces acidity by up to 65%. Follow the easy-to-use recipe book to make your favorite hot, iced or blended coffee and tea drinks just like a professional barista! Includes brew pot, carafe with lid, 2 cold brew filters, recipe book. $19.98

Sunday, June 28, 2009

R.I.P. Billy Mays

Billy Mays, the burly, bearded television pitchman whose boisterous hawking of products such as Orange Glo and OxiClean made him a pop-culture icon, has died. He was 50.

Via Yahoo News

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Or, You Could Use It as a Hammer to Kill Yourself

Here's another gadget that would look great in your local landfill. It's a long-handled salt and pepper shaker and it's aimed squarely at lazy wimps.

Seriously? When is the last time you got burned sprinkling salt on your grilled chicken? Is your grill that big? Or are you that short?

I especially love how there are no covers for the openings. Hold it with the salt side up and you're peppering the floor. Hold it with the pepper side up, and you're getting salt in your shoes. Hold it sideways, and you'll just look ridiculous.

It's just so. well. thought. out.

BBQ Salt & Pepper shaker has a VERY l-o-o-o-ng reach! Now you can easily season foods cooking on your grill without tricky maneuvers and risks of burns. Dual-sided “mallet” with 21 1/4" long handle holds both salt and pepper in one—no more fumbling with separate shakers! Easy-to-fill shaker has 4 oz. capacity. Stainless steel. $12.98

Friday, June 12, 2009

Strike a Pos...ter.

So, I was in an "artsy" mood today and went over to Allposters.com. I did a search for Art Deco, then drooled over a poster from the movie Metropolis.

After that, I did a search for "Madonna." The requisite album covers and concert pics showed up.

And then I saw this:

The price? $99.99 for an 18x24 unframed print.

Okay, what the hell is going on here? You have to be a special kind of rabid stalker fan to spend over $100.00 on a non-framed, non-autographed picture of Madonna's face smashed into Gwyneth's ear.

I'm pretty sure Madonna would kick the photographer in the balls if she knew he didn't delete this shot immediately after taking it.

Attention LIFE Magazine: this is called an "outtake." In other words, you "take" it "out" of the camera and forget it ever happened. Thank you.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Singer Madonna Embracing. From the archives of LIFE magazine, this image is digitally printed on high gloss premium photographic paper resulting in a unique silver pearlescent finish with stunning visual impact and depth that is suitable for museum or gallery display. $99.99

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

DIY Shit on a Stick!

Traditional cakes are boring and predictable. They require agonizing measuring, mixing, cutting and serving, with everyone sitting around the same table, using plates, forks and your best disposable napkins.

Who has time for all that?

The revolutionary Cakesicle Pan finally makes cake portable! Simply look into your crystal ball to determine how many you'll need to bake, then carefully pour the cake batter into the awkwardly shaped holes. Once baked, then you can painstakingly decorate each one individually. "Uh-oh, Little Bobby is allergic to chocolate. Let's make one for him with coconut on it."

And finally, watch with delight as the kids run amok all over your house, spilling bits of cake and frosting all over the floor! Wouldn't that be fun?

And the fun continues into the next day, when you're scrubbing smashed sprinkles and frosting out of your carpeting and pulling whole, uneaten cakesicles out from under the couch. Fun! Yaaaaaay!

Also great for weddings in place of the traditional, overpriced wedding cake!

Cakesicle Pan bakes 8 mini cakes at a time, slip in wooden sticks (included) and decorate with colorful, tasty frostings and sprinkles! Heavy gauge, dishwasher safe, non stick coated steel, 1/2 x 15 x 10"' includes 25 wood sticks. $19.98

Think Pink

BECKY: Like, oh...my God. I had the worst day at my labor camp today. It was such torture. They made me do work! I had to do something called 'fo-to copying!'(sobs)

LINDSAY: Oh, Becky, that's awful!

BECKY: And the worst part? Like, I had to sit through this horrible meeting for almost half an hour! And it was just like 'blah, blah, blah, numbers, figures, statistics, layoffs, ethics...blah, blah, blah!

LINDSAY: Oh, wow...you poor thing. Do you want me to call Daddy's lawyer?

BECKY: And, like, my Starbucks got cold? And, like, I think my lipstick was smudged, but I couldn't go to the bathroom and I forgot my Coach bag at my desk!

LINDSAY: That is just terrible! If only there was a way to check your lipstick during a meeting, but like, you know, discreet? Like, if you could like, bring some kind of spy device with you? That no one would know about?

BECKY: That's hot. But it should be pink and covered with fake gemstones.

LINDSAY: Awesome.

"Bling" mirror mug lets you enjoy a hot beverage while checking on makeup or hair at a moment's notice. It's a picture-perfect stylized solution for multitaskers who are on the go, stuck in meetings or behind a desk. Plastic, 3 1/4 x 3 1/4 x 7 1/2". $8.98

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Whats the most ridiculous thing about the Microwave S'mores Maker?

A) that it only holds two at a time
B) that it's supremely ugly and cheap looking
C) how incredibly fat it's going to make some latchkey kid
D) that unless you have only one well-behaved child, you're going to have to referee a s'mores melee in your kitchen that will end with a broken microwave and a skyrocketing electric bill.

Microwave S'mores Maker brings the fun of a campfire to your kitchen! Microwaveable dish makes two s'mores treats in just 30 seconds, allowing you to heat graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate evenly at the same time. Just add water, lift arms and assemble s'mores, lower arms, mirowave and enjoy! Dishwasher-safe plastic. Includes instructions. 7 1/2" W x 6 1/4" D x 4" H. $7.98

Monday, May 18, 2009

This is Bananas

Now, I've heard of damaged merchandise discounted for a quick sale, but this is ridiculous. I found this tie on the Banana Republic website. How desperate do you have to be to spend $40 on a stained tie?

Don't believe me? Click here to see it, before they pull it down!

(Below is a screen capture in case it's gone before you get the chance to click on the link.)