Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The More You Know About Caftans

A warning to all women under the age of 60.

The following image is intended to trick you into thinking that caftans are somehow sexy by using a young impressionable girl to model this attrocious frock. CAFTANS ARE NOT SEXY. Don't be fooled by trick caftans.


Please pass this along to every woman you know. We must stop this epidemic in its tracks. If it saves one girl from growing up to look like Blanche from the Golden Girls then it's worth it.

Let this shimmering satin gown drape your body in its flowery folds. Nothing could be more comfortable for lounging around the house, or more glamorous for intimate at-home entertaining. Fashioned of polyester satin; machine wash. Imported. One size fits to size 28.$14.99

Good for Playing Cowboys and Indians, Though

Now, I'll admit that I don't know much about knife and sword collecting, but am pretty sure that collectors aren't falling all over themselves to buy "masterfully crafted"plastic tomahawks.


Collectable Tomahawk: Complete two-pc. set includes replica tomahawk and display stand. Masterfully crafted with a carved handle depicting mountains and wolves and a polyresin blade etched with sacred symbols and the totem of the wolf spirit. Display stand is sculpted and painted to look like natural wood and horn. Polyresin. Measures 6 1/2"H x 12 1/2"W x 4 1/8"D. Our exclusive design. $17.99

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Previously Unreleased: Twinkie Tuesdays 14: DipShit

Here is a previously unreleased Twinkie Tuesdays post for you. Thankfully there is no name attached to it, so there's little chance that some crackpot will post a nasty comment defending this shit.


Twinkie Dip

Items Needed:
2 or more Twinkies
1-3 tablespoons of chocolate milk mix
1 cup milk
1 handful mini marshmallows
1 scoop whipped cream

DIRECTIONS: Heat up milk and mix in desired amount of chocolate powder. Add marshmallows and let them melt a little, soaking up the chocolate drink. Finally, top with whipped cream. The "dip" is now ready. Slice Twinkies in half lengthwise. Dip Twinkies in chocolate. Be sure to let the sponge cake soak up the flavor.

This is fucking digusting. Yes, children, soak them. Soak the fucking Twinkie in there so that it breaks apart and sinks to the bottom of the glass. Then you can dip another in there because you lost the first one and now you're - 300 fucking pounds! Happy now?

Clock Tee Shirt is Excitement Beyond Measure

Why?

Anyone?


A digital clock tee shirt? What the fuck for? I don't get this at all. Alright, maybe this will stop people from asking you what time it is, but you'll never know what time it is unless you're wearing a watch, which makes this even more pointless and bizarre... and now I have a massive headache.

Attract attention wherever you go with this amazing, animated tee! The clock shows the actual time in an eye-catching indigo readout. Requires 4 AAA batteries (not included). Remove power module before washing. 100% pre-shrunk cotton. $34.98


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Take My Caftan, Please


This floral caftan is "bright and cheery" according to the folks over at Walter Drake.

I don't know. Bright? Cheery? All that navy? Maybe bright enough for a Japanese funeral in the winter.

And by the way, it's free. Just look at this screen shot from their website.



Floral Caftan Becomes You! Graceful flowing caftan is bright and cheery with a dash of meadow flowers. Front zipper makes dressing easy for lounging in style. Features Mandarin-style collar. 100% polyester satin. Machine wash; imported. Specify size: S (6-8), M (10-12), L (14-16) or XL (18-20). FREE

Monday, July 28, 2008

Not For Everyone

I would imagine that this stupid voice activated alarm clock might not work so well in households where English is not exactly the predominant language, like, say, a Greek household.



8:00 a.m. - (alarm clock beeps)

YANNI: Skasmos! (shut up)

beep beep beep beep...

Ah, sheet. I forget, you have to say in the Englishes. Ahm... how you say... Please shat ap?

beep beep beep beep...

Quiets plees?...

beep beep beep beep...

SHATAP!

beep beep beep beep...

(gets up, yanks cord out of wall)

Salamabitz, I go back en slep. (Son of a bitch. I'm going back to sleep)

Speak N SetTM Programmable Clock is a touch activated, voice automated clock that is programmed by speaking commands. Simply say "Time" to hear the time, "Set Time" to set the clock, "Alarm" to find when the alarm will sound, "Set Alarm" to set the alarm (three different sounds), "alarm off" to deactivate the alarm. Requires 3 AAA batteries, not included. Plastic. $39.98

Shadow, Your Days are Numbered

This is just fucking bizarre: battery-operated fake cats that make cat like sleeping sounds.

*blink*



As if I might see this and think, "Hey, can I trade in my real cat for one of these?"

It's hard to believe this made it past the brainstorming stage. I want to find the people responsible for this and throw Shadow's shit-filled litter box at them.

Breathing cats are amazingly life-like! Enjoy the company and companionship of a cuddly kitten without the maintenance, meowing or mess. Features a realistic look with a moving stomach that simulates subtle breathing. Requires 1 D battery (not included). Nylon, plush, 11 x 8 1/4 x 4 3/4". $29.98

Or, You Could Get an Electric Blanket

Presenting (I kid you not), the "Pajama Warmer."



Here are some frequently asked questions about the Pajama Warmer:

Q: What if I don't wear pajamas?

A: Then you're probably some kind of freaky sex-fetishist. Do not buy our products, you degenerate piece of filth.

Q: Is this endorsed by Kramer? Because this reminds me of that episode where he became obsessed with warm clothes and ended up burning them in the pizza oven.

A: We don't know who this Kramer person is, but he is welcome to purchase a Pajama Warmer for himself or as a gift.

Q: I see that it comes in red, lavender and a floral pattern. Can I order one in green?

A: No.

Q: Why waste 35 dollars on something that keeps my jammies warm only for a few minutes, when I could just get an electric blanket and stay warm all night?

A: Security, have this man removed.

Pajama Warmer is the ultimate in luxury. Heat up your jammies for extra cozy relaxation and stop going to bed cold. Fifteen minutes in this portable electric warming pouch is all it takes to have toasty pajamas at the perfect temperature for a comfortable night's sleep. Works with socks, underwear, baby clothes, towels, gloves and more. 20 x 16 x 1". $34.98

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Liberia or Bust

Attention Collectors!

Need something worthless and gaudy to waste your money on in this faltering economy? Outgrown your collection of 9/11 tee shirts and baseball caps?

Here you go:


To note:

It's "Liberian legal tender," so, should you find yourself in Liberia this summer, you can swap it for some other tacky garbage.

It's made of "mystery metal" coated in .999 silver leaf. That amounts to a dusting. It also means that it will likely flake apart right out of the box.

There is a limit of five per order - to prevent hoarding - because these will surely triple in value immediately.

Here's the best part:

"This Coin-Certificate displays a standard $20 denomination on one side. But on the other side, it’s the first time ever that two separate denominations have been used to add up to the full $20 face value – it uses 9 and 11 to commemorate the 7th anniversary of the World Trade Center tragedy."

What. The. Fuck is the point of that? To distract us from the fact that these assholes are just exploiting 9/11? No, that can't be it. This was on TV after all. And you should believe everything you see on TV.

Any collector worth his Pay Pal account knows that this is worthless. These people con artists should be jailed immediately and sent to Liberia.

Watch the commercial here.


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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Show and Tell

These USB accessories will:


A) make you popular with the night staff
B) get you fired for bringing toys to work
C) make you the laughing stock of the entire company
D) drain your wallet
E) all of the above

I'm hoping it's E, because you really have to be stupid to think that a fan the size of a quarter is going to be put out a "strong breeze."

USB fan and desk vac keep your work space cool and clean with fully functional desk accessories. Fan puts out a strong breeze, and the vacuum easily picks up dust and crumbs. No batteries needed. Just plug in to your computer's USB port. Each about 8", features a 45" cord. $14.98

Because Email is Torture

This week's Waste of Plastic is a mouse-sized voice recorder which you hook up to your computer so that you can send voice messages to other computers.

The "logic" behind this is that typing emails is horrible and torturous and that we need a new, lazier way to get our messages across to others.

It's called a PHONE, idiots. This thing will only get you in trouble, since it doesn't look like there's a way to review your message before you send it, so think twice before telling your sister that her baked ziti tasted like it was made at a gas station.


Email voice sender instantly sends voice recorded messages to recipients via email, eliminating the need for typing, with the click of a button. Just hit send after you record and your message will be transported via email to the intended party without any software on their part necessary. Includes easy to install software, and a compact, mouse-sized recorder that can also be used to record personal memos. Powered by USB. Requires Windows 2000, ME, XP, Vista or later operating system. 3 1/2". $39.98

Does it Come in a Nose Ring?

Okay, here we have a pair of spring-action hoop earrings for children or women who are still not sure that piercing is for them. Fine. Whatever.

But is a Before and After shot really necessary here?



Spring-action hoops for non-pierced ears are the perfect accessory for any outfit or occasion. Easy to put on. Simply slide open and release to close. Stays comfortably in place. Set includes four pairs of different sizes (5/8, 3/4, 11/4, and 15/8"). Gold-plated and silver-plated copper.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Guess How Much: Bedding Edition

Guess How Much for this seashell pillow.



Yes, it's made of seashells. Don't ask me why. It certainly doesn't look like something I'd want to put my head on...but I digress.

Is it:

A) $19.99
B) $29.99
C) free with purchase!
D) Other

Hint: This is from Costco (no peeking!)

D) As in Did you ever spend $89.99 on a single, impractical pillow?

A plethora of polished seashells adorn this treasure of a pillow.
Color: Seashell
Material: 100% jute, 100 % cotton lining
Fill: Down Feather
Dimensions: 18” x 18”
Made in India

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Maybe Fake Candles Would Be Safer

SALESMAN: Hello, and welcome to Home Depot. Can I help you find something?

SUSAN: I'm looking for a candleholder for my fireplace. Something that resembles an old, arthritic hand that was burnt beyond recognition and is now crawling across the floor under its own power. Do you have anything like that?

SALESMAN: Actually, I do.


The Standing Branch Candle Holder turns your fireplace into a soft, glowing focal point any time of the year! Made from beautifully-crafted cast iron and can hold candles up to 3" in diameter. Each Candle Holder comes in solid forest green with gold accents. The best feature is its detachable leaves for easy cleaning. Light the candles and settle in for a romantic light show. The dimensions are 19" Wide x 12" High x 10" Deep. Candles are not included.

Great for Hiding Dead Bodies Too

The Wide Sweep Caftan is for women with longer strides, who find themselves tripping over lesser, traditional caftans, with their constricting mummy-like proportions.

Also great for shoplifting. You can easily fit a Butterball under there.


Its beautiful blue patchwork floral print, extra-wide sweep and soft-as-silk touch make this floor-length caftan the most beautiful style you'll ever own! Detailed with a flattering V-neck with tie closure, easy step-in zipper front, feminine flutter sleeves and handy side-seam pockets. Machine wash-and-dry polyester. Imported. 52" long. $19.99

Just Wait Until He Opens His Presents

This Electronic Flashing Musical Birthday Cake gets the award for Most Pointless Item of All Time.

It looks like a cake, but you can't eat it. It is a fake plastic cake with five LED candles that go out when you blow on them. (No, I don't know what happens when they turn six) It also plays Happy Birthday, in case you often find yourself completely alone on your birthday and someone sends this to you out of pity.

It is aimed at uptight, controlling parents who are afraid of fire and fat.

And it will be the number one reason for little Timmy to run away from home. If you want to hear what it sounds like, go here.


Our cute musical cake features 5 LED candles you set to flashing or steady, and when "The Birthday Person" blows on them, the lights go out! Plays Happy Birthday To You. Great gift when you can't be there in person! Also great for kids (not messy, no sugar), and dieters! Enjoy the cake without the calories! $19.98

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

And It's Animated, Too. Great.

This fugtacular NFL lighted doll footbawl player nicely fulfills your lawn-crap gap between Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween and the Fourth of July.


Show your team spirit in a bright, bold way. Quarterback mimics actual throwing action while the colored lights make him glow at night for all to see. Available for 11 teams in their official colors and logos. Weather-resistant Mylar® figure stands 44" x 28" including ground stakes; has connector plugs for your extension cord. UL listed.


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Nope, Still Can't Afford a Coffee Table

What kind of trailer park house are you living in where the armchairs of your furniture are wearing out and you have to buy this to protect them?


Leather armchair caddy protects against wear and tear, keeps all of your TV and reading essentials organized and within reach. Handsome patchwork leather cover drapes over arm of furniture and features two roomy pockets to store and hold remote control, eyeglasses, television schedules, newspaper, pens and more. Non-slip backing. 25 1/2" x 14 3/4". $7.98

As Seen Shoved into a Dumpster

Are you an idiot couch potato with the IQ of a AA battery?

Then do I have the shirt for you.


TV Tee is a must for any couch potato, channel surfer or video junkie! If the tube is your turf, then this shirt’s for you. Don’t touch that dial—but do put on this comfy T-shirt. Made of 100% cotton. Machine washable. USA and imported. $12.98

OnStar for Kids

The Gard Dog (their spelling, not mine) is a tracking device for kids. Now you can wander around the dress department of Macy*s while little Johnny wanders off.

"It's okay, I will just trip this alarm and everything will be fine!"

Or will it?



JOHNNY: Hey, Brad!

BRAD: Hey, Johnny. Where's your mom?

JOHNNY: She's shopping for a dress. She has a date tonight. I miss my old Daddy.

BRAD: My mom's still looking too. Hey, wanna go play "Monster in the dressing room?"

JOHNNY: Hell, yeah! Let's ----

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

BRAD: What's that noise? You have a cell phone?

JOHNNY: Uh, yeah. That's it. A cell phone.

BRAD: Why don't you answer it?

JOHNNY: I just let it go to voicemail. Chicks, you know.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP....

BRAD: Why won't it stop?

JOHNNY: I dunno. Maybe it's broken.

BRAD: Wait a minute. What's on your hand? Oh man. The Gard Dog? Don't let her control you like that. Take that stupid thing off and throw it under the rack so we can go play.

Gard Dog Website

Thanks to Neil Russell for the tip!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

(Your Money is) Gone in 60 Seconds

Vikki LaMotta's Eye Contour Gel is plastic surgery in a jar!

Just look at these incredible before and after shots. Only 60 seconds apart! Honestly, I don't even think it's the same person. It's probably Cloris Leachman on the left and Frances McDormand on the right.


You know, if you're going to claim that something works that well in 60 seconds, that's enough time to make a short YouTube video, right? But no, these pictures will be enough for the majority of the buying public.

God damn con artists.

Vikki LaMotta’s Eye Contour Gel was developed to keep the delicate skin around the eyes firm. Apply a small amount twice a day and watch the fine lines and puffiness diminish. Cool gel sooths the skin and refreshes your eyes for a more youthful look. You’ll love the results and the compliments! ½ oz. $24.98

Because Exercise is For Losers

The older I get, the easier it is to spot bullshit. Slim Shits (intentional misspelling on my part) are tiny creamer-like cups of an unknown substance that is supposed to help you control your appetite. Whatever.


I don't know about you, but I'd rather go the gym and up my protein intake to lose weight, instead of downing some random mystery chemical that may give me cancer down the road.

People are so damn gullible.

Slim Shots™ liquid appetite control­ler helps you eat less without feeling hungry for up to 8 hours! Patented, all-natural formula has been clinically shown to reduce cravings and caloric intake by up to 30%—from the first day and without jitters or side effects. 1 to 2 shots a day help moderate portion size and reduce the temptation to nibble between meals. All-natural ingredients; vanilla-flavored single serve supplements can be taken alone or mixed with food or a beverage. $19.98

Secondhand Dope

This battery-powered Ionic Ashtray is great for company!


BETTY: Hi, Veronica! How are you? Thanks for coming over! Have a seat.
VERONICA: Oh, Betty! It's been so long. The divorce with Jughead was brutal. He's a son of a bitch. (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
BETTY: You smoke now?
VERONICA: Yeah, the stress of the divorce drove me to it. Do you mind?
BETTY: No, not at all. I smoke sometimes, but I'm trying to quit. So, if you wouldn't mind using this ashtray instead...
VERONICA: That looks like a salon hairdryer for dolls. What the fuck?
BETTY: It's great. Let me show you. It's a little awkward...but basically, you have to blow your cigarrette smoke gently into the dome. It's not so bad. You'll get the hang of it. Hey, where are you going?
VERONICA: To get back together with Jughead. He may be a jackass, but not a stupid ass.

Ionic Ashtray eliminates secondhand smoke and odors! Revolutionary ashtray uses ionic technology to convert smoke into negative particles that are captured in the dome’s lining. Makes your home more pleasant for non-smoking family and friends! Ultra-quiet; operates with 4 AA batteries (not incl.) or included UL-listed adapter. Has glass ashtray and built-in nightlight. 7 1/2" H x 5 1/2" diam. $39.98

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I Can't Wait for July 5th

Here are a few oddball "patriotic" items, courtesy of the Miles Kimball catalog.


LED Flag Nightlight



Patriotic Star Cascade Centerpiece



Lawn Geese - with Outfits



Gleam n Burst Centerpiece



I have no words.