Monday, March 31, 2008

No Batteries Required? WTF?

I'm a little disappointed in this item. Clearly the designers missed a golden opportunity to make it battery operated. It could't light up, sing, or maybe walk around the kitchen counter saying stupid things like, "Mama Mia!" "That's a spicy meat-a-ball!" or maybe "Go to www.chefboyardee.com to see our entire line-up of canned pastas," while spilling wine all over the place.


Chef 3 Piece Wine Set. No tipping required as our perky chef is ready to serve with this Chef 3 Piece Wine Set! Shelf on back holds your standard wine bottle (not included) and he comes with two 7-oz. glass wine goblets (included). He is hand painted of resin and looks great on your bar, counter top, or in the dining room. Real fabric hat! 12"H.

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Eat your heart out, Olive Garden

Don't Give Her Any Ideas

I'll bet this gun-shaped remote control gets old fast.


WIFE: Honey? Where's the remote?
HUSBAND: I got yer remote right here! Yee haa! (shoots TV, channels change rapid-fire) Look! Golf is on. Now it's not! Pew-pew-pew!
WIFE: Honey. Come on. I want to watch Lifetime.
HUSBAND: We don't take too kindly to people who watch Lifetime! Pew-pew-pew! (Fires at wife) There's a new sheriff in town!
WIFE: Stop it! It's not funny! I want to watch the Betty Broderick Story!
HUSBAND: No can do, lil lady. (shakes head) Where you goin? Oh well. Dumb broad.
(five minutes later)
WIFE: I'm back.
HUSBAND: Oh, you got a gun shaped remote too now? Dang. That one looks real!

Gun Remote Control. Blast through the channels with this sharp-shootin remote control! Program it to move up or down one channel at a time, control volume or any other singular function you choose. Each time you pull the trigger, it makes a gun fire sound! If anyone questions your authority, point to the included Sheriffs badge and lay down the law!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Like a Cloaking Device

Hey, girlfriend! Live in a shifty neighborhood? Concerned about purse snatchings? Well, now you can worry no more! The photo tote is here to save the day. This hideous feedbag can be customized with any three pictures you like, so long as you have the time to cut them into neat circles! Leave your gun and pepper spray on the coffee table and strut into town, secure in the knowledge that no purse snatcher, however desperate, would ever be caught dead with this in his hands.


This amazing tote lets you create a photographic display of those you love. Simply slide a 3 3/4" x 3 3/4" photo into any of the 3 front slots and make the bag uniquely yours. Designed in 100% polyester microfiber with durable PVC handles and bottom, an inside cell pocket and one main zip compartment, it's the perfect tote for every day, office use, knitting, crafts or shopping. Imported. $9.99

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Just Wait Until She Has Kids

Prozac Not Included

Awww, it's a Domestic Diva stuffed piece of shit! How cute! Note the lovely mutilated mermaid feet which I assume are supposed to be high heels.


Follow this link to watch the video of what looks like a blind teddy bear having a seizure. (Look for the link that says, "Watch how it works." Brace for impact.)

She's a modern woman with all the trappings of a diva! Her apron embellished with rhinestones says it all! Who says you can't run the house and be glamorous too? She sways her head back and forth and moves her mouth to the words of her favorite song "I Am Woman." $14.97

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Honey, Why Are Those Birds Circling Our House?

Because you thought it would be cute to show your patriotic side and embarrass this poor Eagle. See what happens when they're taken off the endangered species list? All hell breaks loose.



When duty calls, answer it on the most patriotic telephone. Vintage style phone is a star spangled tribute to freedom with a polyresin American eagle base, circular touch-tone dial and an elegant, old-fashioned receiver, that makes you feel like you're taking a call from the founding fathers. Measures 12 1/4"H x 9 1/4"W x 5 5/8"D. $22.99

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Poltergeist was Nothing

Not to pun that MasterCard commericial, but...

Massive Headstone: $5,000
Making it look like shit: $10.00
Being haunted by me for an eternity: priceless


Look, people. The headstone is ENOUGH. No flags, no fake flowers. I'm watching you. If I see anything like that at my funeral, you'll wish you were dead too.

Gravestone Topper displays floral arrangements up and off the ground. All-weather saddle slips over top of gravestone to provide a stable perch from which to display fresh or artificial flowers. Durable plastic grippers adjust to fit any straight-sided monument. Styrofoam base holds stems securely. 9-1/4" L. Flowers not included. $9.98

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Because Floor Lamps are Obsolete

I guess this was the next logical step after the stupid Wireless Stick Up Light.

Quiztime!

How many days will this plastic battery-powered LED piece of shit last before it's tossed into the landfill?



A) 2
B) 19
C) 5
D) It will arrive broken, and be even uglier than the picture.

And I'll take a guess that the "mounting hardware" is nothing but a strip of double-face tape which will tear a big fat hole in your wall. This will be two weeks after you've installed it and ten days after it broke.

Wireless Dimmable Wall Sconce. Sleek style plus quick installation and ease of use make this decorative sconce a no-brainer when it comes to adding light. Nine, bright LEDs emit a powerful stream of light to illuminate any room. Head swivels for total control. No wires, no mess, no fuss. Dimmable for moods. Three AA batteries required (not included). Mounting hardware included. Chrome finish plastic, 3 1/4 x 6 1/4 x 10 1/4". $19.98

Britney Bear

The Singing Diva Bear comes fully accessorized, including what looks like a deflated balloon hat and a Diva t-shirt, in case you had any doubt. She also has a weighted bottom which is good for displaying...or throwing directly into the East River.


And, like most modern "divas", she's not wearing any pants. Click here and follow the Watch How it Works link to see it "sing." Warning: May Cause Projectile Vomitting or Death.

Don't hate the Singing Diva Bear because she's beautiful! This fashion-forward gal is dressed to kill in her mod attire, complete with faux jewels! Press her paw and she launches into the 80's classic song "What A Feeling," moving her head and mouth as she sings! Weighted bottom makes her easy to display. She's perfect for princesses of all ages! $11.97

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Halloween Comes Early This Year

Got meth mouth? Did you chew on nails as a child? Maybe you liked grinding your teeth to the tune of the Facts of Life? Regret that now? Sure you do. You're an adult and it's time to go on a date. But you're hideous. So what do you do? Go to the dentist? Not when you can plunk down 40 bucks and snap these babies in for a fraction of what other's will pay. Now go ahead and post that classified ad on Craigslist.


TIM: I want to thank you for answering my personals ad. I haven't had a date in as long as I can remember.
JANE: Oh, gosh. It was nothing. I don't get out much these days either! So maybe it's a sign! Ha! Ha!
TIM: So...can I buy you a drink?
JANE: Sure! I'll have a rum and Coke.
TIM: (cringes visibly)
JANE: Are you okay?
TIM: Yeah, I'm fine.
Click Read More to continue

(fifteen minutes later)
HOST: Sir, madam, Your table is ready. Right this way.
JANE: I'm starving. Let's eat!
TIM: (pulls chair out) Here you are, Jane.
JANE: Oh, Tim. You're such a gentleman! I can't imagine what could possibly keep a man like you single!
TIM: Well, you know what they say. Love takes time.
JANE: That's my favorite song! Oh my God! I think I'm in love with you, Tim!
WAITER: May I take your order?
TIM: Sure. Jane, why don't you go ahead.
JANE: Oh, Tim, you're such a gentleman! I'll have the steak, medium well, with a side of broccoli. (Turns to Jim) I have to keep my girlish figure. I think I've found my man! (winks)
WAITER: And for you, Sir?
TIM: What kind of soup do you have tonight?
WAITER: New England clam chowder and split pea.
TIM: Which one would be easier to drink through a straw?
WAITER: Split pea.
TIM: I'll have that then. Can you have the chef puree it for me?
WAITER: I can ask. I'm sure it won't be a problem. And for your main dish?
TIM: That's all.
JANE: That's all? Wow. And I thought I was watching my weight.
TIM: You're a very special lady, Jane.
JANE: Oh, Tim. Kiss me.
TIM: (purses lips rigidly)
JANE: Is something wrong? You're suddenly so uptight. You're not gay, are you?
TIM: No. It's just that I haven't kissed a woman in a while. I'm just a little nervous, that's all.
(kisses)
JANE: (pulls away) What the fuck? Your teeth just moved!
TIM: No they didn't.
JANE: Yes, they did. You freak! (stands up)
TIM: Jane, please. I can exthplain! (teeth fall out)
JANE: Oh, my God! You've got Meth Mouth! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! (runs out of restaurant)

Cosmetic Teeth® for a beautiful smile without expensive trips to the dentist. Just mold over upper teeth and clip into position. Hides gaps and crooked teeth. Wear while smoking or drinking (not for eating), won't affect speaking. Fits securely and comfortably over teeth, bondings, veneers and crowns. For sizing, measure width of four front teeth. $39.98

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Monday, March 24, 2008

Free With Purchase of a Great John


The Bottom Buddy is a device to assist those with limited reach or mobility in the bathroom. I admire the idea behind this product, as long as it's used by the people that really need it.

So, I've devised a questionnaire that might come in handy.

Dear potential Bottom Buddy customer. Please fill out this short questionnaire to determine your eligibility for our product.

1. Are you suffering from a debilitating disease that impairs movement?
A) Yes
B) No

2. Are you elderly and no longer as flexible as you once were?
A) Yes
B) No

3. Have you recently had surgery or are recovering from an accident?
A) Yes
B) No

4. Do you frequently eat fast food, such as McDonalds, Wendys and/or Taco Bell?
A) No
B) Yes

5. Does your exercise regimen consist of bending down to get that fry you dropped so you can eat it?
A) Hell no. Are you crazy?
B) Yes

6. Are you now morbidly obese and don't care?
A) No
B) Yes

7. If you answered B to questions 5 & 6, do you now own this shirt as a result?
A) No
B) Yes

If you can correctly answer A to all these questions, you may have a bottom buddy. If you've answered B to question 5, please leave your address in the comments so that I may pay you a visit.

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Thanks to Paynin Diaz for the tip!

But They'll Still Toilet Paper Your House

I would imagine that these would come in particularly handy during Halloween.



BRAD: Alright, we egged the Donaldson's house. Let's go get the McKinley's. You guys ready?
JOE: Where is it?
BRAD: It's right here. Get your eggs ready - awww shit.
JOE: What happened?
BRAD: Someone already beat us to it.
JOE: Wow. I feel really bad for them. Somebody really fucked up that house. Should we call the fire department or something?

Easter Egg Lights. Create an impressive Easter display in a window or on a wall with this set of 3 LED lighted Easter eggs. Beautiful by night and day, the PVC eggs are decorated with polka dots and are topped with large metallic bows. Attaches to window with suction cups. Plugs into household outlet.$14.99

Friday, March 21, 2008

Excuse Me While I Go Bleach My Eyes

What's this?


A) Rare red manta ray?
B) Avant garde Easter hat?
C) Pilates mat
D) Other, please tell me it's not B.

Click Read More to find out. Warning: NSFW.

D) As in

"Dear, would you go get the Lover's Cushion so we can have elderly sex?"
"Well, you're cleaning it up after."
"That's okay, honey. It wipes clean!"


Ergonomic cushion increases muscle comfort during those intimate moments, and helps protect the tailbone and waist muscles. The gentle slope relieves pressure on the woman and positions her at the perfect angle for greatest satisfaction. Wipe clean rubber measures 15" x 15" x 3". $49.99

Bunny Blogger

I finally found something to wear for Easter.
Click Read More to see what it is.

I'm going as the Easter Bastard. Just look at his eyes. There's something about him that says, "Fuck with me and be humiliated on my blog."

When the Easter Bunny makes a special appearance at the egg hunt, it's a treat for young and old — especially when he's so dapperly dressed. This Deluxe Easter Bunny suit comes with all the pieces to create an exciting character, including a full, fur-covered jumpsuit, Bunny head, mitts and shoe covers, and colorful matching bowtie and vest. $49.99

Don't Forget to Bring a Towel!

You know the deal. You go to a friend or relative's house for the holidays and you're having a great time. Then you suddenly have to use the bathroom. You do your duty, wash your hands, and then, as turn around to dry them, you see these:


What do you do?
A) Use the towels gently, as they're obviously for show.
B) Very awkwardly wipe your hands on the back of them.
C) Use your pants.
D) You saw these garish things when you came in, so you decided to not wash your hands in the first place

Bright Easter designs adorn these colorful holiday hand towels-adding festive charm to your home! Set includes four embellished styles: eggs, tulips, bunny, and basket. 100% polyester; machine wash. Each, 17 1/2" long x 11 3/4" wide. Imported. $11.99.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I Can Just Imagine How You Do the Dishes

Hey, there, American gadget lover! Do you like pasta? Sure you do! Do you eat it every night? Sure you do. Are you lazy, gullible and stupid? Of course you are, that's why this lovely gadget will soon be on your shopping list. The Fasta Pasta (My God, that fucking name) is another kitchen gadget designed to eliminate the tedious task of boiling water and stirring every few minutes, even though your fat ass could probably use the exercise since this will only enable you to double the amount of pasta you consume daily. Mangia!


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Fasta Pasta cooker makes a quick meal in the microwave. Measure, cook, drain and store all in one container. No waiting for a big pot of water to boil. Make spaghetti, fettuccini, macaroni, lasagna and more. Cooks evenly without sticking, won't boil over. Dishwasher-safe plastic, 11 3/4 x 5 3/4 x 3 1/2". $14.98

At Least Hers Matches Her Hair

These ugly sweaters are made from:


A) Cashmere
B) Nylon
C) Cotton
D) Other

Click Read More to find out. And see pictures of the source.

D) As in Dogs. Now, before you go screaming to PeTA, just know that these were made from hair that had been shedded naturally from these two dogs, who are now dead. At least that's what I gathered from the article.


I still think they're ugly as hell.

Thanks to tipster Neil Russell!

[Source: Daily Mail]

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

To Be Worn Only Near an Active Volcano

What the hell is this?


A) Ugly Valentine's Day costume
B) Prop from the Sex & the City movie
C) Highly flammable, I hope
D) Too stupid for words.


D) Too stupid for words. Even after reading the description, I can't figure out the origin or the purpose, but I LOVE the renderings of the man and woman wearing it. God only knows how hard it was to find someone willing to model this before they had to resort to using a dress form.




Wild Thing Dress Up Kit. Let the Wild Thing™ out to play! A super sexy spin on the traditional grass skirt and coconuts! Plastic bra "cups" fasten with string, and foil skirt slides right on. Ladies, dare to bare! Guys can wear this and we guarantee she'll never forget you! $9.98

Faux Social Life

What's the worst part about this image?


A) The dress.
B) The shoes.
C) That feeding bag.
D) The faux park backdrop, designed to convince the buyer that, if she buys this dress, she will suddenly have places to go and no longer be a shut-in with no friends.

Look pounds slimmer in this body-skimming knit with faux wrap-front and self belt. Dress it up or down with a change of accessories. In non-cling rayon/spandex. Machine wash/dry. Imported. $29.99. [Carol Wright]

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Flip-Fledgump

Just imagine if the designers on Project Runway were given a shoe assignment:

"Designers, your mission is to find as many shoe styles as can be fitted to a single shoe. Taste is not a requirement. In fact, they don't even have to be wearable."


I present to you, the Fledgump.

A sporty, playful look, all tied up with a logo bow. Imported cotton. 3 1/2" wooden wedge. $90 [Victoria's Secret]

Absolut Wabbit

Presenting, the Easter Tree.


SANTA CLAUS: (dials phone)
EASTER BUNNY: Hello?
SC: Is this the Easter Bunny?
EB: Yeah. Who's this?
SC: Santa Claus, creator of Christmas, the biggest, baddest commercial holiday on Earth.
EB: Okaaaay. What can I do for you, Santa?
SC: Look, Bunny, I've had it with your shit.
EB: What the hell are you talking about?
SC: I think you know.
EB: No, I don't.
SC: The Easter Egg tree? Are you kidding me? Or did you forget that eggs don't grow on trees?
EB: Oh, so what! I can't sell a few trinkets in the name of Jesus Christ? I mean, look in the mirror, big guy.
SC: You gettin smart with me, you little son of a bitch?
EB: No, I'm saying you're a sell out, a hypocrite, and a megalomaniac.
SC: You... son of a (burp) bitch!
EB: Oh, Santa. Are you hittin the vodka again?
SC: Maybe. But I can still kick your ass into October.
EB: Please. Like I'm really gonna be scared of someone who's a Hershey's Kiss away from a heart attack. *click*

Easter Egg Tree. Festive white paper-wrapped wire tree sprawls from a white resin pot filled with faux moss. Its pliable branches are adorned with sparkling "sugared" eggs in pretty pastel colors. Makes a dazzling centerpiece! 22". [Lillian Vernon]

Monday, March 17, 2008

Probably Not a Good Idea

EASTER QUIZ

How many teeth will little Tommy lose when he grabs this off your mantle and bites into it?

A) 2
B) 4
C) 1
D) None. He will fly into a lovely Easter rage when he realizes it's fake, throwing it across the room and shattering your picture window.

Faux Chocolate Easter Bunnies. Look so real but these delights will not melt- they are incredibly detailed resin.Large bunnies are cast from vintage candy molds, 9 inches high. Set of 9 babies in 4 poses, 2 1/2 inches. [Lillian Vernon]

Blind Blind Staging

The award for Most Bizarre Staging goes to this item. Examine the picture, then answer the question below.


What on earth could have caused these blinds to become so thick with white dust?

A) powdered donut explosion
B) recent police activity
C) kilo of cocaine carelessly placed in front of high powered desk fan
D) sudden indoor snowstorm
E) extremely bad props department, using a color of blinds that hasn't been seen since the mid 90's

Venetian Blind Cleaner set easily removes dust that gathers in the toughest to clean areas of blinds. Brush both sides simultaneously with innovative claw design. Set of two. One brush has a sponge for wet, deep cleaning and the other has a fleece brush for dry dusting. Plastic, 8 x 3/4". $6.98 [Taylor Gifts]

Monday, March 10, 2008

Pot Head

Sometimes I see something and my gut reaction is slap someone in the face. This spoon pot clip did that to me. It's designed for extremely dirt-poor people living in apartments with a single burner - and nothing else. The kind of people who can barely afford a can of soup, yet are very fussy about the cleanliness of their kitchen, even though they're probably going to splatter the crap of their walls the second they try to take the spoon out of the clip.


Helpful hint: Use a small plate. Or balance it on the edge of the pot. Save your money and buy more soup.

Grip-EZ® Spoon Pot Clip No more messy countertops due to having nowhere to place spoon while cooking. Clips securely to pot rim with heat-resistant, silicone pads that prevent scrapes while gently cradling spoon. No morsel goes to waste since excess drips directly back into the pot. Utensil handle stays cool. $5.98 [Taylor Gifts]

Life Gives You Lemons, You Buy Garbage

This cheesy toy-like lemonade maker is supposed to take you back to the good old days, when everything wasn't made of plastic and destined to end up in a NJ landfill after just a few uses.


Hey, here's an idea! Buy a fucking blender. They're cheaper (about 20 bucks), bound to last longer (made of glass and metal), and you'll avoid offending people by not serving them lemonade out of a something that looks like it came from the clearance bin at Duane Reade.

Old Fashioned Lemonade Maker Make refreshing old fashioned lemonade with this nostalgic lemonade stand. Rolling wheels and decorative signs combine old fashion style with quality and functionality. Juices fresh fruits while mixing ice and other ingredients. Easy dispensing spout, on/off switch activates the juicer and stirring. Works with oranges and other squeezable fruits. Electric. Plastic, 9 1/2 x 6 3/4 x 15 1/4". $39.98 [Taylor Gifts]

Friday, March 07, 2008

Grease is the Word. The F-Word.

This thing has been around forever, so it's not going to get a reaction out of anyone today, but there's one thing that bugs the crap outta me. Where does the grease from the hot dogs go? Anybody? Does anyone know? Because anyone who has ever nuked a hot dog (cough-me-cough) has seen the grease left behind on the plate, so it makes me wonder how nasty the inside of this thing must look after just a week. Especially after the grease dries up and starts to funk up the kitchen something awful.


Make tasty hot dogs as easily as you make toast! This fun kitchen helper toasts buns and dogs at once-simply place in appropriate slots and press lever down. When cooked to perfection, they'll pop up for a quick treat or easy lunch. Plastic, metal, rubber. 9" long x 4 1/2" wide x 7 1/2" high. $17.99 [Miles Kimball]

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Because You'll Buy Anything, Won't You?

If this fiber optic egg centerpiece appeals to you, then you most likely:

A) believe that eggs grow on trees
B) believe money grows on trees
C) will put this next to your bed while waiting for the Easter Bunny
D) have massive credit card debt


Set your holiday celebration aglow with a centerpiece that combines sparkling fiber optic light, glistening Easter eggs and real- looking springtime blooms. Sets up in an instant and gives any room a festive holiday air. Plastic. Plugs into household outlet. 18"H x 4 3/4"Diameter. $19.99

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Thou Shalt Not Spend Your Money on Crap

Jesus Christ must be spinning in his grave at the thought of Moses selling out like this. Behold, the Ten Commandments Clock. Missing is the eleventh commandment: Thou Shalt Not Fritter Away Your Hard Earned Money on a Fake Stone Ten Commandments Clock Just to Appear More Religious.


Make the timeless word of God be the foundation for all the hours of your life. This tabletop or wall clock borrows its design from the tablets given to Moses on Mt. Sinai. Contains each of the 10 holy laws inscribed on stone-finished polyresin. Sweeping second hand; requires 1 AA battery (not included). Measures 9 1/2"W x 7"H. $9.99 [Collections Etc]

Viva Los Fruit Loops

How do you simultaneously pay homage to your favorite children's cereal and look like a New Year's Eve themed Pinata?

You wear this:

Fluttering trim cascades in fun, tropical colors on the suit jacket. A vibrant pleated print tank and crisp white skirt enhance the design. Detachable trim means you can take it off to use as a sash-belt or a fun neck scarf. Skirt is 34" in length for size 10 with back zip and walking pleat. Polyester; dry clean. Imported. [midnight velvet]