Friday, February 29, 2008

Solar Flare

Ever wonder why our country doesn't do more to harness the power of the sun as a way of becoming less dependent on foreign oil?

Well, the reason we don't is because we must channel all of our existing solar energy technology into items like this lovely plastic Angel of Death and Depression.


Solar angel with harp chime offers solace and sends heavenly music aloft with every little breeze. Solar panel at angel’s feet absorbs light by day to emit a peaceful glow at night, while the lovely verse recalls a loved one greatly missed. Brings an aura of serenity to a garden. Durable poly/resin and aluminum. 6-3/4" H x 6" L. $19.98 [Harriet Carter]

How to Scare Away Jehovas Witnesses

Instructions:
1. Click image to enlarge and analyze the photo.
2. Answer the question below it.



What's the scariest thing about this wreath?
A) the fiber optics
B) that the face somehow manages to remind me of Jo from the Facts of Life
C) that it will end up as landfill before you can say Erin Go Brah
D) all of the above

Give all your guests a great big St. Paddy's style welcome! Charming leprechaun polks his head through a shamrock wreath that sparkles with pinpoints of fiber optic light. Looks great on a door, wall, over a fireplace or bar. Requires 3 "AA" batteries (not included). Crafted of polyresin and cotton felt. 15"Diameter. $14.99 [Collections Etc]

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Pitchfork Logo is Just a Coincedence

These generic, geriatric, overpriced sneakers have what appear to be bb pellets embedded in the sole to add weight to them in order to give the user a work out. Because going to Modell's and buying removable ankle weights would be dumb.



JENNIE: Grandma! You're back from your walk already? What's wrong? What happened to your new shoes?

GRANDMA: What the hell was in those? Lead? My God, I almost died out there, you little bitch! Have they tried marketing those to the mafia?

JENNIE: Those were a hundred and seventy dollars! Where are they?

GRANDMA: The corner of Elm and Main. But you might want to call a tow-truck first.

Slip on a pair of Muscle Trainer Shoes and boost your energy consumption by 25%! This stylish shoe has patented metallic sphere sealed inside the sole to give you weighted step to help you burn more calories just by walking. Increase your heart rate and oxygen intake for a better cardiovascular workout, and rid body fat! See the positive effects in a few days. Specify by women’s shoe size: 7 – 10. Whole sizes only. Please allow 2 to 3 weeks for delivery. No rush delivery. $169.99 [Walter Drake]

Free With Purchase of Dishwasher

Now, I don't know about you, but I love doing double work. Thankfully, I've found this handy glass scrubber - that is dishwasher safe. It's like hand washing your car before driving it to the car wash.


Easy one-handed method is identical to washers used in restaurants. Eight rows of brushes won't leave a speck untouched; rims are thoroughly cleaned. Glasses sparkle! Smaller brush cleans juice and wine glasses. Suction cups adhere washer to sink. Entire unit cleans in the dishwasher. Measures 5 1/4" x 6" x 9". $12.99 [Walter Drake]

Just Hide Their Cigarettes

In case you were considering buying a smokeless ashtray as a passive aggressive (or just plain bitchy) way of hinting that you can't stand second hand smoke, here's something to consider:

There's no way people are going to huddle around this thing and gently exhale their second-hand smoke into it so that it doesn't go into the air. Especially the defensive smokers I know.


Smokeless Ashtray filters out annoying tobacco smoke - leaves air fresh. Special filtering system draws in and traps smoke and its odors. Ideal for the courteous smoker or non-smoker who lives with a smoker. Uses 2 C batteries (not included). 5-1/4 $7.98 [Harriet Carter]

But Number One is Just Fine, I Guess

Tired of dogs shitting on your lawn? Drive the message home with this cast-iron garden stake featuring a lovely Scottish Terrier defacating. (Includes realistic cast-iron feces.)


Have fun while letting neighbors know: Pets are not welcome to "do their business"! Painted design on both sides. Cast-iron. 12" long (including stake). 14.95 [Catalog Favorites]

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Model Behavior

Just imagine the art direction that produced this image.


MODEL: So, like, what's my motivation? Should I cross my legs?

DIRECTOR: Yes, but I want the calves to touch, in an almost disturbing way. Let the fatties know they can't cross their legs like this because they are NOT models.

MODEL: Okay. Now what? Should I cross my arms over my knees?

DIRECTOR: Yes, but just the left one. Throw your right arm over your head and tilt your head to the left.

MODEL: I'm confused...

DIRECTOR: That's okay. You'll get used to it. Pretend that you've developed gangrene from wearing ill fitted shoes, or that God has given you gangrene as punishment for wearing those shoes with that top and attempting to look like a flower without pants. You're dying now, so slump over a little.

MODEL: Like this?

DIRECTOR: Perfect! Don't move!

Sashay your way through spring with a sumptous touch. Imported raffia/suede. 4" heel with platform front. $89 [Victoria's Secret]

Slices a Hole In Your Wallet, Too

There's a pivotal racing scene in the movie Grease where the villain's car (the ugly guy with the crater face) produces a slick James Bond-esque cutting tool that slices into the sheet metal of Travolta's car. This shoe reminds me of that.


Strew your path with roses with this whimsical spring style. Imported leather. Covered heel with platform front. $230 [Victoria's Secret]

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I'm Hunting Wabbits

Anyone who's ever seen the movie Donnie Darko is familiar with Frank, the scary rabbit character that played a central role in the film.

This, in my opinion, is even scarier. For obvious reasons.


Just plug him in, and this floppy-eared bunny springs into light, with clear lights outlining his body, multicolored lights around his pink egg, and blue lights for eyes. Hang indoors or out, enjoy for many years. 18" long x 14 1/2" wide x 1/2" deep. $12.99 [Miles Kimball]

Wascally Wabbit

Just what every man needs. A cutesy widdle toilet bunny wabbit toilet seat cover with wire ears that will send the seat crashing down as he tries to pee. I hope they've at least designed it to resist sudden pee stains.


Bunny Toilet Seat Cover. With cheerful face and stand-up ears, our cute bunny cover decorates the powder room with style to make you smile! Designed in soft poly plush, he features wire-framed ears which bend upright for added fun. Machine wash. 16" long x 14 1/4" wide. $2.50 [Miles Kimball]

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Just Leave the Seat Up For the Day

With Valentine's Day over, the folks over at Lillian Vernon have their sights set on the latest holiday to be bastardized and commercialized to death: St. Patrick's Day. And here's the proof.


Because when you're rushing to the toilet to puke after one-too-many pints of Guiness, you need a reminder that Hey! I'm not an alcoholic. It's just St. Patrick's Day.

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Charming shamrock-designed toilet seat appliqué is perfect for celebrating St. Patrick's Day! Electrostatic vinyl is easy to apply and remove. Reuse again and again — won't damage toilet! Fits most round toilet seats. 12 x 13 1/2". $7.98 [Lillian Vernon]

Pie in the Sky

Oh, how I'd love to be a fly on the wall when someone tries to use this for the first time. You just know someone is going to squeeze that delicate "ejector handle" a little to hard, sending pie shrapnel flying all over the table.


Pie Slice Ejector assures perfect “landings” every time! Stainless steel utensil is especially good at serving up neat slices of “difficult” pies, like cream, custard and meringue varieties. Fruit pies and all your other favorites are a snap to serve too, thanks to the unique sliding feature of the handle that gently glides slices onto plates without mess or fuss. 10" L. Dishwasher safe. $2.98 [Harriet Carter]

Friday, February 15, 2008

Why Isn't the Stock Market Closed Today?


Despite my numerous letters, emails and phone calls, the government refuses to acknowledge today, my "21st" birthday, as an official holiday. Oh well, there's always next year. Until then, I'll have have to make due with "Presidents' Day" on Monday. Jerks.

Forget my birthday? It's not too late. Gifts (ie: money and fancy dinners) will be still accepted until Monday at 5:00 p.m.

(And if this was my kid, he wouldn't be fed solid food until he was 25.)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Should I Add a PayPal Link to the Sidebar?


Sorry for the lack of posts this week (as if anyone noticed). I'm working on a new business venture.

Business venture. Doesn't that sound impressive? Actually, I'm looking for a hobby that pays me. Because this sure as hell doesn't.

Happy Over-Commercialization of Love Day!

Dear 1-800-Flowers.com,


Thank you for proving the notion that Valentine's Day is just another excuse for out-of-control price gouging. 80 bucks for 6 roses? (sorry, the stupid balloons don't count in my book)

Six gorgeous roses + six romantic balloons = The Perfect Dozen! Surprise them with our arrangement of six stunning long stem roses, designed by our select florists with fresh greens in a classic glass vase. This terrific gift gets topped with a half dozen romantic I love you mylar balloons to send their heart soaring! Rose color and balloon designs may vary. Arrangement measures approximately 20"H x 10"D. $79.99

Monday, February 11, 2008

Rainbow Fright

Woof. Ain't no pot 'o gold at the end of this rainbow. Maybe a vinyl record sleeve from 1986, though.


A cascade of rainbow satin ribbons contrasts with matte navy crepe for the fashionable jacket. Rainbow “stones” sparkle on the front modesty panel. Skirt is 34" long in size 10, with back zip, elastic insets and satin accents. The Rainbow Sash Suit Jacket has padded shoulders. Polyester; dry clean. Imported. $159.00

Click Read More to see a close up of the hat and purse.


Send admirers “over the rainbow” about your original style! The Rainbow Hat, adorned with a rainbow ribbon rose looks so pretty. Hat has mesh bow and rainbow loops. One size fits most for hat. $109.


Send admirers “over the rainbow” about your original style! Beaded flap bag looks so pretty in your hand, adorned with a rainbow ribbon rose. Rainbow Handbag is 12 1/4" l x 7" h. $99.00 [Midnight Velvet]

Flower Power

Dear YMAL,
I'm starting to suspect that my husband is cheating on me and bringing girls over while I'm at work. How can I find out the truth?
-Suspicious in Hollywood

Dear Suspicious,
The only way to know for sure is to catch the son of a bitch in the act. Luckily for you, the folks at Midnight Velvet have just the thing: The Adultery Suit. Simply slip into this flattering pant suit and hide amongst the flowers in your garden. Don't forget your digital camera!
-YMAL



Exude your strong sense of style with this vibrant and versatile set! Jacket is fitted to ensure a flattering shape. Matching pants have a slightly flared leg. Inseam is 24" for Size 10. Cotton/spandex; machine wash. Made in USA and imported. Color: Multi-Orange.Type the rest of your post here. $25.99

Friday, February 08, 2008

Mean Boys

Oh, how my sick mind works.


How much fun would it be to swap out these "diet" (barf) cookies for some Chips Ahoy?

DIETER: I don't understand. I've been on the Hollywood Cookie Diet for 6 weeks - and I've gained 25 lbs!

CHRIS: Keep at it. Persistence is the key. You'll gain a little in the beginning, but soon, the weight falls off so fast you'll have to hold onto your pants so they don't fall right off in the middle of the street.

DIETER: Are you sure?

CHRIS: Trust me. Would I lie to you?

The Hollywood Cookie DietTM Shed pounds without going hungry or sacrificing taste! Enjoy four delicious, healthy meal-replacement cookies throughout the day, then eat a sensible dinner. Each cookie is packed with 13 essential vitamins and minerals and is a great source of fiber and protein. Each box contains 12 individually wrapped meal replacement cookies. $19.98

Thursday, February 07, 2008

FlipFlop - Flip + Fit = Crap

For the girl who is too busy (or too lazy) for the gym, comes the FitFlop, by Victoria's Secret.


Because putting on a pair of sneakers and going to the gym would make you look stupid. (and PS, I HATE flipflops with a burning passion)

Get a workout while you walk. Engineered to engage muscles, lessen joint impact and absorb shock, FitFlops burn calories and tone legs with every step. From running errands to working around your house, it's finally easier to stay in shape and multitask your fitness with a sexy, sporty look. Imported leather/cotton/polyester. $49.95 [Victoria's Secret]

Pairs Nicely with a Heart Attack

To the makers of the Snack Sized Fryer for One or Two,


Are you out of your minds? You should be making harder, not easier for people to eat fried foods! Ever hear of something called heart disease? For fuck's sake. (God, I'm in a bad mood lately)

UPDATE: Here's a recipe that sounds perfect for this machine. Fried Butter Balls, by Paula Deen (who else, really?) Don't forget to click on the reviews there. Hysterical! Thanks for the tip, Lori!

Snack Sized Fryer for One or Two. Make fast, mouth-watering snacks and appetizers that are crisped to perfection and packed full of flavor. Deep fry everything: donuts, chips, fries, vegetables, potatoes, chicken strips, shrimp and more. Features cool touch handles, easy view lid, odor eliminating filter and adjustable thermostat (175-375°ree;). Includes basket with detachable handle that rests on edge of base and lets foods drain. Holds five cups of oil with a 1 1/4 lb food capacity. Stainless steel, 8 1/4 x 9 1/2 x 7 1/2". $39.98 [Taylor Gifts]

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Doze This House

This looks very familiar. Oh, wait! I remember now. I saw it on Sell This House.


HOST: So, why do you think your home isn't selling after 8 months on the market?

HOMEOWNER: I honestly don't know. (awkward giggle)

HOST: Mind if we take a look around?

HOMEOWNER: Sure! Mi casa es su casa!

HOST: Alright, let's check out the living room first. Okay, it's a good size, but, I might want to go and cover up that red paint with a nice neutral beige, and... what the hell is that?

HOMEOWNER: That's my garden! Ha! HA! Actually, it's a floral door mural from Taylor Gifts! It transforms a dreary door into a greenhouse of blooming bouquets! It was simple to apply, as the paste and instructions were included, and get this, it's sponge washable paper! How exciting is that. All my guests think it's real, even in winter!

HOST: I think I found the problem here. We're gonna need a match and a bulldozer.

Floral Door Mural transforms a dreary door into a greenhouse of blooming bouquets. Simple to apply, paste and instructions included, sponge washable paper, 86H x 33"W. Add a spacious look to a room, your guests will think it's real. $34.98 [Taylor Gifts]

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

32 Roses and a Bottle of Valium, Please

Why? Anybody?



Directions: Go to the florist, ask for 32 roses, (even when your local bodega/deli sells them by the dozen) cut the stems off and display them like this. Don't worry about how bad it looks without flowers.

Why do people keep trying to reinvent the wheel? WHY? WHY? WHY? Jesus Gadgety Christ! Just get a fucking vase and call it a day, okay people? You can even display the vase next to the stupid Valentine's Day bowl you probably bought before you saw this.

Imagine presenting your sweetheart with a platter of his or her favorite candy encircled with a ring of flowers­talk about a memorable treat! The 10" ceramic platter has 32 holes all around so you can insert your favorite fresh or silk flowers. Perfect for Valentine's Day or any special day. $14.99

Rock n Roll Right into that Nursing Home!

Creepy fitness celebrity Tony Little wants the senior citizens of the world to ROCK 'N ROLL!



Judging by this picture, what's the most likely scenario to arise when using this product? Keep in mind that you are a senior citizen under 250 lbs (the intended demographic for this item).

A) right broken hip
B) left broken hips
C) death
D) dented floor boards
E) all of the above, all at once

Step up to fitness with Tony Little’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Stepper™ ! Specially-designed exerciser helps improve cardiovascular fitness, increase flexibility, balance, and energy level, strengthen muscles and burn fat. Set includes stepper, digital counter, floor mat, user’s manual, training DVD. Sturdy steel construction; not for use by persons over 250 lbs. 21-1/4" x 11-1/4" x 10".
$59.98
[Harriet Carter]

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Hold On, Honey, I Gotta Take This Call

The Stealth Secret promises that you'll be able to hear every word of that conversation without having a bulky hearing aid hanging off the side of your head like a sidecar on a motorcycle. Because, according to the folks over at Taylor Gifts, it's "discreet."


Discreet. Right. I guess looking like a douche with a knockoff Bluetooth headpiece is all the rage, even for seniors on dates.

Stealth Secret™ sound amplifier Stop missing meaningful conversations or feeling left out because you are hard of hearing. No longer feel awkward because of a bulky hearing aid. Stealth™ Secret Sound Amplifier is a revolutionary, state-of-the-art, discreet, affordable ear piece designed to look like a Bluetooth device that allows you to hear conversations clearly up to 50 feet away. Includes three sized soft tips for fitting either ear, rechargeable batteries, and UL listed charger. Only, 3 3/4 x 1 3/4 x 3 1/2". $29.98 [Taylor Gifts]

Don't Let the Sun Go Down on These

What do we have here?


Is it...
A) a moron, modeling stupid guitar glasses?
B) Elton John, circa 1979?
C) a loser, showing off the stupid guitar glasses he just bought?
D) Dork of the Decade?
E) other _________

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Cool, man! Folks will do a double take when they see these eye-catching, electric-guitar sunglasses that are sure to cause a stir. Plastic and metal. Impact-resistant. 100% UV protection. 7" wide. $12.95. [Catalog Favorites]


Monday, February 04, 2008

It's Only a Matter of Time, You Know

What do you get for the man who has everything this Valentine's Day? A Girl-a-Tron!


Girl-a-tron2000 is a realistic, animated fembot with lifelike features that will impress even the most discriminating man! She has a realistic Krayton rubber outer skin and a durable, space-age biomechanical skeleton that delivers smooth, natural movements. Fully programmable, she is responsive to light, sound and touch. Rechargeable battery provides one hour of operation and requires four hours for a full recharge. Outfits sold separately. 125 lbs. Ages 18 and up. Freight charges apply. Made in USA (with imported parts) $3,500. [SkyMall]

Valentine's Ribbon. Give him a Valentine's Day present he'll never forget ­ you! This satin ribbon wraps round the body, turning you into the ultimate Valentine treat.
Meet him at the door if you dare! Fits women 5-ft. tall to 5-ft. 9". Polyester. Imported. $14.99

Valentine's Day Massacre

(Cue dramatic music) Behold, the Alissia Melka-Teichroew diamond ring! I can't make up my mind on this one. Does it look like a consolation prize on a lame game show filmed in someone's living room? Or more like something that rolled out of a gumball machine when you really wanted that gold chain?

In any event, the folks over at MoMA advise that wearers "create their own traditions, meanings, and stories." Oh, they are so looking for it with that one.

MOM - Honey, why are you crying?

DAUGHTER - Because, Andy gave me this for Valentine's Day! Waaaaaaaaaaa! (waves acrylic ring in air)

MOM - What the hell is that? Stop moving your arm! (grabs arm, stares at ring) That bastard. (grabs car keys, puts on coat)

DAUGHTER - Where are you going? (sniff)

MOM - Don't worry about it. Hand me that shotgun. Now go to bed, and if anyone asks, I was here all night. (kisses DAUGHTER on forehead)

There are no diamonds in Alissia Melka-Teichroew's rings, simply a thought-provoking silhouette imitating the conventional Tiffany setting. Wearers create their own traditions, meanings, and stories. Made of Acrylic. $12.00 [MoMA]

Friday, February 01, 2008

Matching Curtains Sold Separately

Let's play a game. I'm going to throw out a word and you tell me what images you associate with it. Today's word is "Harley."

You probably associated one or more of the following:
- Motorcycles
- Bandanas
- Tough guys
- Fist-fights
- Gangs
- Leather pants
- Domestic Beer
- Police pursuits

You probably didn't associate this cutsy little magnet:


Harley Magnet will please those who were born to ride, as well as those who just dream of the open road. Large, glazed-ceramic magnet will hold notes, photos and appointment cards securely in place. 3 ¼” square. $5.98 [Harriet Carter]

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It Might As Well Have Dials

Some things defy explanation. This is one of them.


This fugly item is billed as the World's Easiest Remote, because, as you many know from watching CNN, thousands of people all across the U.S. have been utterly destroyed by their complicated remote controls. The makers have pared down the design to its bare elements, with no numbers, to set us back about 25 years. I don't really understand why they felt the need to make it light up at the same time. If you're having trouble seeing, then chances are you've got more lightbulbs burning in your living room than most people have in their entire house.

You know what? If "complicated" remotes are too confusing, then you're probably a little long in the tooth, which means you are also retired, which means you have all the time in the world to learn how to use the damn remote, instead of looking for an excuse to be lazy. Thank you, and good day.

On the other hand, this looks eerily similiar to remotes used in hospital beds, so maybe they're trying to get people used to the "feel?"

World's easiest remote. Relax while you watch TV instead of foolin' around with complicated devices. Oversized design features channel and volume control, on/off button and mute. All you really need! Lights up with a touch. Sets up to work on most TV brands in 4 easy steps without codes. ABS plastic, $14.98 [Taylor Gifts]

How to Piss Off the Drug Companies

DermaSeptic is a device that is designed to eliminate cold sores. For 100 dollars. Let me all save you some time (and 100 dollars). Scroll down, children.


1. Find a match.
2. Use your fingernail to scrape off a bit of the sulfur on the head.
3. Wet the match.
4. Place the tip of the match on your annoying cold sore and rub.

Caution: It will burn, but not nearly as much as spending 100 dollars on a gadget that sounds more sci-fi than anything else. (Unfair sci-fi assumption based on 1950's-looking rendering below)



The DermaSeptic is a microprocessor-controlled electronic anti-septic device that painlessly delivers natural anti-microbial silver ions directly to the infected tissue long before the infection breaks out into an open sore. Because it permeates the infected tissue, it cannot be rubbed off and remains effective for hours. Silver is a broad-spectrum anti-microbial that inhibits viral and bacterial infection on contact and has no side effects. The DermaSeptic contains no consumable antibiotics and will last for years. It operates from a single battery (included). 99.98 [skymall]