Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wearing these. And looking like someone ripped the heels off your shoes and glued little ashtrays in their place. Retarded.
Victoria's Secret Shoes: For girls who don't mind an occassional mocking.
Zinc Velvet Mary Jane: Schoolgirl charm plays dress-up. Imported polyester/leather. 1 1/4" Lucite® heel. [Victoria's Secret]
A) 2 ?
B) 7 ?
C) 20 ?
D) none. I have a shopping cart.
The Baggler: Triple-hook bag holder fits comfortably in your hand with soft rubber grip-helping you tote several plastic grocery bags without pain or hassle! Great for arthritis or carpal tunnel sufferers-simply slide bags onto sturdy hooks and carry up to 50 pounds with easy grasp. Polypropylene, plastic. 4 7/8"long x 4" wide. $5.99 [Miles Kimball]
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Actually, it's total garbage. Just turn the fucking jar over and look for the expiration date, idiots.
Days Ago digital spoilage counter tracks in days how long food has been stored so you are sure when it needs to go. Available in suction cup or magnet, determines freshness of food containers, leftovers, opened jars and more - no more guessing! Also stick to refrigerator to track personal health goals like diet or quitting smoking, lifespan of water filter. Set of two in assorted colors, battery included. Silicone, $9.98
Monday, January 28, 2008
Q. What's more insulting than your loved one forgetting you on Valentine's Day?
A. Remembering you, but getting you these:
"Here you go, honey. Silk roses! You know, just in case I forget about you next year... Honey? Where are you going with that suitcase?"
A dozen scented silk roses for Valentine's Day are better than real ones because they'll last all year long! No wilting, they'll look freshly picked (and sweetly scented!) for years. Twelve 16" silky polyester roses in a clear presentation gift box. (Baby's breath not included). $4.99 [Taylor Gifts]
Friday, January 25, 2008
That someone worked really hard to stage this table just so, only to have it look like an upside down Reese's Peanutbutter Cup in gold foil.
Die-Cut Table Mats. Here's everything you need to add a beautiful holiday accent to your home! Festive decorative table features a 20" diameter x 20"H, 3-legged particle board & wooden legs accent table; 70" gold polyester-satin, machine-washable, full-length tablecloth; and festive red candy cane or holly green cut-out foam table mat, each 20" round. Tablemat wipes clean. All imported. $1.19
The rest of it is just hysterical. The Hawaii Chair is an motorized chair that gyrates like a broken Kitchenaid mixer so that you can sit on your lazy ass and get exercise without contracting a single muscle. Good luck avoiding involuntary muscle pulls and other injuries. All for only $350.
Click Read More to see the entire infomercial in all its bizarre glory.
Click the video to watch. You will be mesmerized and horrified at the same time. Click here to see the website. Warning: Website features extensive use of pop-up graphics, repetitive, annoying text, blurry video stills, and buttons that read: "More Informations" and "How it Work", which offer proof that "Perfect USA" is just a front for some internationally-based junk exercise gadget company seeking to destroy us.
I wonder how quickly I'd be fired for requesting one of these for my desk. [Thanks to Donnie for posting this on his blog, Famous Like Me.]
Self-adhesive screen patches Don't waste money replacing an entire screen door or window screen for a small hole. Mend torn, ripped, damaged screens in seconds with screen patches. Cut to size of hole, remove adhesive backing and apply patch for a long lasting, seamless fix. Keep money in your wallet and keep bugs out of your home. Set includes eight patches. Each patch, 5 x 6 1/2". Was: $3.98 Now: $0.98 [Taylor Gifts]
Thursday, January 24, 2008
But don't know if it's necessarily a good idea to encourage them to be lying on the floor alone.
Body Rocker provides a stress-free workout. Just lie on your back with you hips on the swivel disk and your ankles on the swing saddle. Then set the time for up to 30 minutes and enjoy an invigorating, side-to-side rocking motion that relieves tension, improves immunity, stimulates circulation and helps maintain a healthy balance. Passive exercise is ideal for seniors. Features remote control, auto mode, 14-speed adjustment. Quiet operation, compact and portable. PVC plastic, 13 x 12 1/2 x 9 3/4".$119.98
But, you know, if you need light-up coasters to liven up your parties, then maybe you shouldn't be having parties in the first place.
Festive, lighted coasters change colors when you place your drinks on them. Each time you place a drink on one of the coasters, its bright, built-in LEDs illuminate the drink from below, changing its color. Comes as a 4-pack with four color coasters, each with 7 colored LEDs. Button cell batteries included. $24.99
JEFF: Let's go get dinner.
MARY: Okay. We'll take my car. I'll drive.
(doors close, engine starts)
JEFF: So, what do you want to eat?
MARY: I don't know. I'm kinda feeling Italian.
JEFF: What's that?
MARY: What's what?
JEFF: On your visor.
MARY: What? (squints, pulls visor down) Oh, look at this. My sister must have put this in here when she borrowed my car last week. She thinks I'm easily distracted. I'm happy we're talking again after she told me to drop dead. I suppose she was only kidding.
MARY: It says, 'Sister, you're more special than words can say...
JEFF: Mary...you might want to...
MARY: Sssh!! Let me finish! ...please drive safely every day.' How sweet!
JEFF: LOOK OUT!
(car flies off cliff, explodes in fireball)
Sister Visor Clip conveys your abiding love and concern. Attractive polished pewter clip features dainty raised floral details and heartfelt verse that gently reminds your loved one to always drive safely. Attaches instantly to any vehicle’s visor. Approx. 2" overall. $4.98
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Arm warmers? I don't remember these from the 80's, mostly because I was struggling with identity issues and bullies, but I'm sure they were out there. You know, someday they'll do something about those short sleeves on t-shirts to keep your arms from getting cold. Just you wait.
Cozy Arm Warmers slip on easily when you want just enough warmth without a bulky sweater. Perfect for arthritis and carpal tunnel. 100% acrylic. Machine wash and dry. 1 pair. $4.00
Actually a little bit of both. Presenting, the Sideshow Bob Valentine's Day Door Wreath! I didn't know Sideshow Bob was doing Home Decor now, but good for him!
Proof that home really is where the heart is! Beautiful, heart-shaped wreath is hand-arranged with a decorative bow and vibrant colors. Stunning, faux-lavender bursts atop a lightweight polyfoam base. Ribbon makes it easy to hang from a door, window, or wall. Perfect for brightening every room. 10 1/4 x 9 3/4", 2 3/4" thick. $9.98
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Now I know someone out there is thinking, "Ooh, I can fit 44 bottles in there! And only 70 dollars!"
And I'm thinking, "That flimsy thing will demolish itself in about 44 seconds, sending a tsunami of wine all through the house."
Wine Bottle Holder cradles wine to save fridge space and prevent spills. No more shifting food around or hunting for hidden bottles. Slide vertically between wires and turn horizontally. T-bars secure under wire racks. Plastic 2-piece set holds a variety of bottle sizes; each is 3 3/4" x 1/2" x 5". Keeps cork moist while preserving flavor! $2.99 [Walter Drake]
Thursday, January 17, 2008
B) That it costs $60.00. That's 59.99 more than it's worth
C) That you didn't need this before and still don't
D) How ugly it looks in "photo mode", like a child's toy frame.
E) That the top is apparently 8 x 12, yet it can supposedly hold a single 13 1/4 x 7 1/2 photo.
F) How badly it clashes with everything in the picture
G) How the slightest amount of weight will likely send everything flying through the air and onto the floor
Flip Top Photo Display End Table transforms from beautiful frame to a functional table in seconds! Display three cherished 5 7/8 x 3 3/4" photos or a single 13 1/4 x 7 1/2" prominently in a vertical easel position or horizontally as an end table. Frame features tempered glass for protection. Decorative base supports and stabilizes the frame in either position. Rubber wood, 24", 8 x 12" top. $59.98
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
or crass (you get the idea!). Plugs into any standard 2" receiver hitch. Rubber, 14". $39.98
MRS. MICHEL: Hi, Heather! What brings you here?
HEATHER: I think I left my cake pan here last night, Mrs. Michel. Do you mind if I come in?
MRS. MICHEL: I don't think it's here. Are you sure you didn't take it? I think you did.
HEATHER: No, I'm sure. We had our hands full with all the birthday presents.
MRS. MICHEL: No, I think you took it. (closes door)
HEATHER: (blocks door with foot) Wait! Can I at least come in to see? Please?
MRS. MICHEL: (purses lips) Very well, then.
HEATHER: (enters kitchen, MRS. MICHEL in tow) See, it's right here! My name is right on it.
MRS. MICHEL: That's mine.
HEATHER: Nice try, but your first name is Beatrice - and you don't make anything with love, bitch. (storms out front door)
Cake Pan with Etched Heart Cover Perfect for storing treats and sweets! Aluminum baking/casserole pan from NordicWare® bakes cakes, brownies, and other goodies, while the personalized slide-on cover lets folks know it belongs to you! Also makes a great gift! Your custom message to 18 characters per line, 2-line limit. 15 x 10 x 3"H. $29.98
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Candy Heart Ornaments - Set of 12
Speak the language of love--"Im yours", "Hug Me", "Kiss Me", "You're Sweet". Blown glass set of 12--3 of each sentiment in delightful frosty tones. Arrange in bowl, hang on tree or tie onto gifts. 2 1/4", silver cords. $9.98 [Lillian Vernon]
Wife: (hands him the remote) But honey, it's already turned to your side.
Husband: What? But it says Queen of the Remote. I don't...
Wife: (cocked eyebrow) Give it a second to sink in.
King/Queen Of The Remote Pillow settles the household “battle royal”— who controls the remote! Accord is reached through this clever, two-sided pillow with its built-in remote holder pocket. The words “Queen of the Remote” appear on one side and “King of the Remote” on the reverse. To claim ownership, just flip pillow to the “right” side! 12" x 8". Poly/cotton blend with poly fill. USA made. $12.98
"The best thing about this recipe is that it is fun for kids or adults to make!!"
Chocolate Twinkie Smasher
6 scoops of chocolate ice cream
6 chocolate cookies
DIRECTIONS: First, you must smash the Twinkies and chocolate cookies in a bowl. Next, scoop the ice cream into the bowl. Then, mix it all together. Voila!!
This is not a recipe. This is called playing with your food. How old are you, 9? You stupid moron.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Or like PeTA threw red paint all over them.
Snuggle-up in these sumptuous accessories — soft, “snow-tipped” rabbit fur, laser-engraved with signature logo and fleur-de-lis.
I like to come across as extremely lazy and inconsiderate at work. I am also incredibly fat, oblivious and rude. My long-term goal to get on one of those shows on the Discovery Channel about the super obese.
One of my favorite things to so is pay more and get less. I am gullible and prone to making bad purchasing decisions despite having massive credit card debt. What should I buy?
Moronic in Maine
Thanks for writing. I have the perfect product for you! The Iwavecube Personal Microwave! Reheat your coffee without ever leaving your desk. Fire up your stinky fish lunch right within spitting distance of your coworkers. Blow out an entire row of computers while making microwave popcorn. Good luck! Please let me know how it goes.
Forget all those trips to the kitchen or treks to the cafeteria no you can reheat coffee right at your desk; or nuke some soup for you brown bag lunch or pop some 'corn in the entertainment room. Takes up less than a cubic foot. Plug it in anyplace that's handy, work or home office; home gym; family room; nursery; wet bar; dorm room; work bench; pool house... anywhere!
Friday, January 11, 2008
There's something about the cheesiness of those As Seen on TV commercials that stops me in my tracks. I just can't resist. Click here to watch this one and wait for the dorky blonde in the lavender shirt. "I love changing the lighting settings during the party. One minute they twinkle, and then they strobe. It really gets the party going." You almost feel sorry for her for having to recite that line.
Immediately after that comes this one: "They're as beautiful as candles, but they never ruin my tablecloth." Notice how she says this as the camera cuts to a couple clinking glasses at a dinner table - with candles on it.
1. How many pairs of men's shoes will this "shoe armoire" hold? I see only ladies' shoes. This is sexist.
3. Where does one send the collapsed shoe rack after it has demolished itself?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
What decade does the Derma Tron hail from?
A) the 1950s
B) the 1980s
C) the 2000s
D) none of the above, because it's from the future.
Click Read More to see the answer.
The answer is D and I base that assumption solely on the description below.
Derma Tron™ three-step home skin treatment is clinically proven to clear skin. Foaming cleansing mousse with SERBO-CLEAR reduces blackheads, pimples and blemishes conductive treatment solution with Stay-C™ shows excellent efficacy in treating acne. Galvanic current enhances effectiveness. Storage case, 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 2". $69.98 [Taylor Gifts]
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I don't know about you, but nothing is more delicious than biting into a freshly steamed half onion smothered with butter. I'm so glad people are really thinking outside the box in 2008. Up until now there was no other way to cook an onion in a microwave. This will change my life forever. I'm so happy I could cry!
Set of 2 Microwave Onion and Garlic Cookers steam delicious, savory vegetables in minutes. Place onion, garlic or single serving veggie inside "onion" and microwave... takes 1/4 of the time to cook compared to a conventional oven! Eggshell color polypropylene is dishwasher safe; 3" x 4" x 4". $6.99 [walter drake]
It's not like you can go to some store and buy a dozen eggs already packaged for you. Some day, though. You'll see.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
"I often try to create new recipes from odds and ends that I have in the refrigerator and that's how this dish came about. I was out of Wonder Bread one day and improvised using Twinkies. It turned out great. I am a former Peace Corps volunteer who has served in several Latin American countries, so making do with things and survival-style preparation come naturally to me."
GARY GONYA, BALTIMORE, MARYLAND
Chicken-Rasberry Twinkie Salad
1/2 cup rasberry preserves
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
6 Twinkies, halved lengthwise
2 cups shredded cooked chicken
2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and diced
1 fresh jalapeno pepper, seeded and diced
2 tablespoons chopped red onion
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups mixed baby greens
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.
In a small bowl, whisk together 1/4 cup of the rasberry preserves and 2 tablespoons of the vinegar to make a rasberry vinaigrette. Set aside.
With a small spoon, scrape the filling out of the Twinkies and reserve in a bowl. Place the Twinkies cut side up on a baking sheet.
Add the remaining 1/4 cup rasberry preserves and 2 tablespoons vinegar to the reserved creme filling. Mix until well blended, then add the chicken and mix well.
In a separate bowl, combine the tomatoes, jalapeno and onion and mix well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
Place a spoonful of the chicken mixture in each Twinkie half. Sprinkle the cheese over the Twinkies, dividing evenly. Spoon the tomato mixture over the top, dividing evenly.
Place in the oven and bake for about 5 minutes, until the cheese melts. Arrange a bed of the mixed greens on each of 6 plates. Remove the Twinkies from the oven and place 2 halves on each bed of greens. Drizzle with the rasberry vinaigrette and serve immediately.
Here is what I've learned:
- Substituting Twinkies for Wonder Bread constitutes survival-style preparation
- Using jalapenos and cheddar cheese is apparently Gary's idea of Latin cooking
- You would probably not want Gary to cook for you - ever
- Gary has probably never been to Latin America
- Gary is likely a fictitious character created to sell Twinkies and Wonder Bread
Monday, January 07, 2008
Otherwise, it's actually worse than the harf and the retarded mitten scarf put together. You mean that between the jacket, the pants and whatever you're wearing underneath, there's not a single pocket to be found? You don't need a pocket scarf, stupid. You need new clothes!
Pocket Scarf keeps you toasty warm; keeps valuables in easy reach (and out of sight)! Comfy fleece scarf provides two hidden zippered pockets on each end. Perfect for carrying and concealing cash, coins, credit cards, keys, wallets, cell phones, and more. Enjoy winter walks without lugging around a purse or worrying about thieves! Machine washable polyester. 70" L x 7" W. Imported. $12.98
This "playful jester paper towel holder" is:
E) none of the above
E) none of the above, but it's still a ridiculous $750. I guess the joke's on us.
Playful paper towel holder blends functionality with artistic fun. Two monkey jesters on either end support rod for paper towel roll. Handcrafted holder is made of antiqued brass with a chocolate leather finish. Measures 26"W x 10"D x 18"T; base, 28"W. Imported. [horchow]
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Attention, Housewives: Are you a total doormat for your family? Does your husband beat you? Do the kids spit in your face? Maybe you're still picking at the scabs from your fateful decision to try to make Chinese for dinner last week?
Well, now you can save yourself a trip to the emergency room with the perfect pizza pan! Here's how it works. You roll out your homemade pizza dough and place it on the perfect pizza pan! Now go around and ask every single family member exactly what they want on their slice. Place the toppings carefully on each slice, cut them along the grooves and put it in the oven. Family harmony never tasted so delicious!
Too much work? Here's a shortcut.
Wife: Alright, you picky bastards, I'm calling Domino's now. Two pies with pepperoni. If you don't like it, then y'alls can starve.
Husband: Honey, please put down the gun.
Seriously, what kind of loser decorates their toilet for Valentine's Day? Is this usually the deciding factor in determining whether or not you should pursue a relationship?
"Well, Jessica was nice, but you should have seen Miranda's toilet. Oh my God, dude, it was frikkin' beeeeautiful."
If anything, this gives new meaning to kiss my ass.
Kisses Toilet Seat Appliqué. Fun and whimsical, this decorative lip-design toilet seat appliqué is a great way to celebrate Valentine's Day! Electrostatic vinyl is easy to apply and remove — won't damage your toilet! Use and reuse it year after year. 12 x 13 1/2". $9.98 [Lillian Vernon]
Friday, January 04, 2008
How to save $4.50:
1. Approach token booth with friend or spouse.
2. Ask for two subway maps.
3. Recoil at attitude of token booth clerk.
4. Approach token booth on other side of tracks.
5. Repeat steps 1-3.
Why? Because it's a hell of a lot better to say, "And that's a real New York City subway map." Plus, you'll save yourself from having to answer why they've cropped it so that it appears that Mahattan ends at about 96th Street.If you can't make it to New York City, give me your address and write me a check for $4.50 (plus $2.00 shipping and handling) and I send you a subway map. It will be more than I'll make all month from this blog.
Scene: dark side street, Meatpacking District, New York City.
Victim: Ina Seifart, designer of the Timeless Bracelet.
Mugger: Bitch, gimmie your watch or I'll blow your fucking head off!
Ina: It's not a watch. Look. It's the Timeless Bracelet. See?
Mugger: What the fuck is that?
Ina: Sorry, you must be poor. I'll explain it to you, then. Our society has become increasingly vain and superficial. Watches have become more than a mere way to tell time, but rather, as fashion accessories, so I am making a statement about that. I'd gather you would know about that since you asked me for my watch right away, but you see, it's rather useless, really. I suppose you can have it then (takes off Timeless Bracelet).
Mugger: I don't want that piece of shit, bitch. Gimme the Prada purse and Gucci shoes!
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Thursday, January 03, 2008
...what the fuck's going on here? Why is one side longer than the other? Is this some kind of stretchable rubber crown moulding? Or does it come in little pieces that snap together like Lego bricks? Is it hollow? Because that's going to look stupid when you cut it. If it's not hollow, it's going to look jagged after you try to cut this with regular scissors and realize that you can't - and it's too late.
Easy Crown Molding for elegant edging over a door. or window. A simple, low-cost way to dress up any room. Easy, tool-free application installs in minutes. Just peel and stick. No cutting, measuring or mitering required. Can be painted to match any decor, trim with scissors when needed, fits 26 to 46 wide. Plastic, 26 x 23" x 2. $19.98
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
And I hit paydirt.
Guess How Much for this subway map chair? Is it:
E) don't ask
Click Read More to find out and see the "other color". You'll want to put down that cup of coffee.
E is for EXPENSIVE. These uncomfortable looking chairs retail for $2,200 - each. Not for the pair, not for all three. $2,200 EACH, for a chair that looks like a paper mache project gone awry? No thank you, I'll keep my ratty old couch. Scroll to the bottom for the official, pretentious description.
Each chair has been 'HUMANUFACTURED' and has been hand-made in Boris Bally's Providence, Rhode Island art studio. The pieces are hand cut and edges shaped and filed- the bends are done carefully by hand. The chairs are then hand-washed and sealed. Each chair is dated and bears Boris' signature. Each is a one-of-a-kind work of art: No two are exactly identical...The signs used in their construction are reflective aluminum signs which have been inspired by the famous (punchy? wonderful? colorful?) New York MTA graphics. (This series has been officially licensed by the MTA). Size: 32 x 17 x 11" materials: NYC Subway graphics on traffic signs, champagne corks, hardware techniques: humanufactured (hand-fabricated, pierced. brake- formed) [source - MTA Store]