Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Locked Out Again, Grandma?

This easy key turner gives you all the leverage you need to snap the wrong key in the wrong lock!

Easy key turner lets you lock/unlock with minimal effort. Large ergonomic grip designed in consultation with occupational therapists. Ideal for people with arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome or other hand pain. $2.98

Bad Dog!

You know what would be fun?

Buying one of these and hiding it behind someone's couch.

Potty training rock quickly housebreaks your pet and teaches him or her to only use a specific area. Just place in the proper area, unique scent will draw your dog like a magnet. Stone, 7 x 4 x 1/2". $19.98

Monday, September 29, 2008

Was The Funeral Not Enough?

I hate any kind of stupid memory rocks or memory charms that do nothing but scream SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS STILL DEAD! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? day in and day out until you come to your senses and throw it in the garbage.

Does anybody buy these things?

Whoops! Spoke too soon. Here's an actual testimonial on the Taylor Gifts website.

Thoughtful sentiment stones offer inspiring words to bring hope and comfort. Cast stone, approximately 5"H x 6"W.

Maybe a Honda Civic Might Be Better

This is truly frightening. Don't you think you should have to learn how to park first before buying a massive Cadillac Escalade?

And if you have this much trouble going in a straight line (because this is for pulling into the garage), then I would HATE to see you on the highway.

Come to think of it, I would hate to see you at all.

Lighted Parking Ball Park right the first time, every time! Stop worrying about costly miscalculations when navigating and parking your car in a garage. Hangs from ceiling to guide you and gives off a dazzling red light display when your car window touches it to let you know you are parked correctly. Includes eye hook, eight foot line, and three replaceable batteries. Lasts 800 activations. 2 1/2".

Saturday, September 27, 2008

WhyBuy Garbage?

Here is a device that's not even worth the box it's shipped in. It's a baby crying analyzer aimed at lazy, stupid parents, it apparently "interprets the various reasons for why your baby cries and displays the answer on an easy to read LCD screen"


And it gets better. They have narrowed it down to five easy categories: Hungry, Bored, Annoyed, Tired and Stressed.

Can you guess which category I'm in right now? I'll give you a hint: it's not hungry, bored, tired or stressed.

I can just imagine how this would play out in reality. Or when the batteries die and the stupid parent realizes they have to think on their own to figure it out.

LORRAINE: Oh, dang it. Fetus is cryin again. Cletus, go check the baby cryin monitor.

CLETUS: It says Fetus is bored.

LORRAINE: Did ya throw a toy in the crib?


LORRAINE: And Fetus is still cryin?


LORRAINE: Well, that settles it. The baby's broken. Dang it.

The WhyCry baby crying analyzer interprets the various reasons for why your baby cries and displays the answer on an easy to read LCD screen. This device teaches new parents to distinguish the different types of cries of their baby. Reasons can be summarized into 5 categories: Hungry, Bored, Annoyed, Tired and Stressed. Baby Sound Monitor. Accessories Include 4 AA Batteries. 1 Channel 99.99

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Small Beige Dog Pissed All Over The Lazy Owner

Here's a great way to turn a dog into a cat. Walking dogs is for suckers! Now they can pee right in the house while you sit on your ass and watch TV.

While probably not the worst product I've ever seen, I would LOVE to be there when someone tries to empty two gallons of festering dog urine from it after leaving the dog alone in the apartment for a week.

This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high-rise dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid. 1" H x 30" W x 20" L. (6 1/2 lbs.) $149.95

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Don't Forget To Include Tape

In the wrong hands, this could be a disaster.

MINDY: Happy birthday, Maria. Here is a present for you.

MARIA: For...me?

MINDY: Yes, for you. Just a little thank you for all your hard work around here. That's American money, not pesos.

MARIA: Ay, caramba! I cang send to my country, jes?

MINDY: Why of course you can, dearie. You just have to figure out the puzzle.


MINDY: See, it's a puzzle dear. You have to figure out how to unlock it and get the 5 dollar bill out. It's like a pinata...

MARIA: Pinata?

MINDY: Yes, a pinata! (looks away, laughing along with the family)

Maria takes tosses the puzzle up in the air, then smashes it to bits with the nearby fireplace poker. The tattered bill floats down in the center of the room as the family gasps aloud.

MARIA: That'll teach you to be such a condescending bitch. I quit.

Cash puzzle is also a brain-teasing way to give money or checks as a gift, once the box is sealed the recipient must figure out how to get it open in order to spend the cash! You'll feel like a genius upon solving this tricky contraption. Wood, plastic, 8 x 4 1/4". $14.98

Never Drink Again - Guaranteed

Have a drinking problem? This nasty costume will sober you up faster than you can say "unattractive yet cocky (pun intended) European-esque model with bad hair and a fucked up lip."

Breathalyzer costume shows your concern for your friends' safety - sort of! This outrageous getup reminds partygoers that the only thing better than being the "Life of the Party" is being "Sotally tober." Polyester, one size fits all. $39.98