Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Which Tool Will Slit My Wrist The Easiest?

Here is proof that we've taken the concept of all-in-one to its absolute peak. What the hell is going on with this thing? I can understand having multi-use tools, like a bottle opener with a corkscrew, but this has a freaking grill cleaner attached. No thank you. That's like using the hair catcher in your tub to strain pasta.

Even thought it's a hideous mess, I would LOVE to see this in action. You know someone's going to get stabbed.

Boasting generous skewer/fork, cutting blade, and grill cleaner, thisall-in-one BBQ tool is your one-and-only essential! Great for turning,gripping, flipping, and slicing, it features stainless steel construction andspring-loaded handle in cool-grip, non-slip vinyl. Dishwasher safe. 15 1/2"long. $14.99

Not Fair

Here is a rather bland and sad portable razor aimed at women, called (don't laugh) LadyFair. There was no money left in the budget for a little pink tint in the plastic, so you'll have to settle for "mental ward white."

Now look at the cutting head, how it's nothing more than a trimmer. The LadyFair. Shaves as close as a hedgeclipper.

This compact portable razor has features you would expect to find in a much more expensive unit! Dual blades provide a close, comfortable shave. Comes with a cleaning brush and protective cap. Uses 2 "AA" batteries (not included). $9.99

The Dim Light Hides the Bruises, Too!

This dumb piece of battery operated shit night coaster is supposed to help you get just enough light so that you can find your glasses in the dark, without worrying about your partner getting up and beating the shit out of you for turning on the light to go to the bathroom.

You know, if you're in that kind of hostile relationship where you need dumb gadgets like these to keep your partner happy, wouldn't you rather just keep the money for the divorce lawyer?

Nite Coaster. With the wave of a hand, shed just the right amount of light on hard to see items at night, including glasses, medication, cell phone, hearing aid and more. Shuts off automatically. Blue light makes items easy to find without disturbing others who may be sleeping. Features water resistant body, rubber no mar feet and night activation for energy preservation. Requires four AAA batteries, not included. $24.98

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Because They Don't Make Nightlights Anymore

What Do Mean, You Don't Eat No Meat?

Check out my first-ever guest post on lame water products over at The Lame Train.

Thanks, Slinky!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Thank You for Being a Friend - Sometimes

The marketers for this shoe claim that they're comfortable "for any season." I would avoid wearing these in summer.

BLANCHE: Dorothy! So nice of you to come! Ooh, you brought cheesecake! Why don't you come out back and I'll bring out the iced tea.

DOROTHY: Thank you, Blanche.

BLANCHE: Here we go. (sets iced tea down on table)

DOROTHY: Whew! It certainly is hot out here today!

BLANCHE: It's a real scorcher.

DOROTHY: Do you mind if I take off my shoes?

BLANCE: Mind? Why would I mind? Go ahead, honey. Take yours shoes off! Get comfortable.

DOROTHY: (grunts, sighs) Oh, that is much better. Whew. So, how have you been, Blanche? Blanche? Is something the matter, Blanche?

BLANCHE: Oh, nothing's wrong honey.

DOROTHY: You were looking at my feet. Now tell me, what's wrong?

BLANCHE: Well, to be honest, it just looks like you have a lot more liver spots on your feet than you should.

DOROTHY: What? (looks down) Oh! (laughs) These aren't liver spots. You see, I was wearing these new shoes last week, and they have little holes in them, so I must have gotten some kind of weird, patterned tan.

BLANCHE: You know, you don't have to cover. I understand. There's some liver spot ointment in the medicine cabinet. Obviously, I never use it, but you can take it.

DOROTHY: I'm not covering!

BLANCHE: Alright, you don't have to shout...whatever.

A comfortable shoe for any season! Double side stretch, all-over cut-out detailing, cushioned insole and non-skid outsole. 1/2" heel. Genuine leather. Imported. In whole and half sizes. $29.99

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

It Will Keep You Cool - Like a Corpse

What do you do when you have a ton of cheap, left over leather scraps at the Prada knockoff factory?

You stitch them into baseball hats, slap an eagle and American flag on the front, with the words God Bless America, call it a "Leather Military Cap" and aim them at the senior set. Bank on their undying patriotism and gullible purchasing habits.

Leather Military Cap. Proudly declare your patriotism with this jaunty leather cap. Baseball style cap is embroidered with a bald eagle bearing an American flag. Adjustable velcro strap on the back assures a perfect fit. $11.99

Did You Start Your Holiday Shopping Yet?

Friday, August 01, 2008

Sometimes It's Better to Blend In

Because customs agents are such a cheerful, fashionable bunch:

The Victoria's Secret Passport Cover.

I would imagine that this is not going to impress the burly man (or woman) checking your documents at customs. This is only going to piss off them off even more.

Here is what you think will happen when you buy this:

BRENDA, CUSTOMS AGENT: Passport, please.

IDIOT: Here you go (hands over passport in pink case).

BRENDA: Oh, my God. This is so cute. I can't! Hey, Jenny! Come over here! Look at this. (Jenny leaves her post, rushes over)

JENNY: (squeals) OH. My God! Where did you get that?

IDIOT: (flips hair over her shoulder) Victoria's Secret dot com! And it was only twelve dollars!


IDIOT: I know! You like?

BRENDA: I have to get this.

IDIOT: So...can I go through?

BRENDA: Oh, yeah. Just go through. Thanks, sweetie!

And here's what will really happen:

BOB: Passport, please.

IDIOT: Here you go.

BOB: Ma'am, what in the hell is that?

IDIOT: Um, my passport?

BOB: Ma'am, Federal Law does not permit passports to be covered in overpriced plastic cases. Please remove your passport from its case.

IDIOT: Oh. I'm sorry. (fumbles with case) Ooh, this is not so easy....I'm sorry. (pulls out passport) Here you go.

BOB: Okay, ma'am. You've been selected for random additional screening. Please go behind that curtain and remove your clothes.

Passport cover. Protects your ID in the poshest case possible. "Love Victoria's Secret" message inside. Exclusively for Victoria's Secret. Imported PVC. Leopard-print lining only in pink raspberry, red and silver. $12.

Got Cankles?

This has to be one of the UGLIEST shoes to ever grace a sweatshop. And the most confusing.

Is it for adults? Children? Horses? Women with deformed ankles? Good GOD. And the description had to have been cut and pasted from somewhere else. "Has seduction under its belt."

I don't know about seduction. Hay, maybe. And it looks cheap, too! Like it was found at bottom of the "rejected pile" at the Payless corporate office.

Not Rated. Buckle bootie. Has seduction under its belt. Imported polyurethane. 1 1/2" heel. $59.

Where's the Tip Slot?

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Very well done. I didn't know you were focusing your shoe design efforts on the tranny stripper market.

Jessica Simpson® Platform sandal. A crystal-clear fashion statement. Imported leather/Lucite®. 4 1/2" heel with platform. Orig. $89. Clearance $44.99.