Tuesday, June 03, 2008

And They Say All the Good Ideas Are Taken

The Octodog Frankfurter Converter is a necessary evil, because, as we all know, kids hate hot dogs, so we must trick them into thinking they're...octopi?

It makes me want to kill somebody, although I will postpone my killing spree long enough to take you through the process of turning a hot dog into a mangled piece of shit.

STEP 1. Take Octodog out of box. Do not make eye contact.

STEP 2. Remove the eyes. Yes, the eyes.

STEP 3. Insert a tampon hot dog inside the Octodog. Replace the eyes to pin the hot dog in place. The sound you hear is what's left of your self-respect as it evaporates.

STEP 4. Slowly (or violently, depending on your mood) shove the Octodog down onto its base. This will cut the hot dog into eight pieces.

STEP 5. Remove the eyes - again. Tired of this thing yet? Remove hot dog and cook in boiling water. If your children are obese bullies who are responsible for foisting this waste of $17.00 on you, use the microwave.

STEP 6. Serve with a massive pile of potato chips and pork rinds. Consider suicide as your kids demand 2nd, 3rd, and 10th helpings. Let them play with it all night long as you take a drive in search of a bridge high enough to jump from.

How to Save $17.00 in Four Easy Steps
STEP 1. Open cutlery drawer.
STEP 2. Use a knife to cut four slits in the lower half of the hot dog.
STEP 3. Find a pushpin.
STEP 4. Poke two holes in the top for eyes.

Thanks for the tip, Lori. (I know someone else recommended this, but I can't remember who, so please let me know who you are)


Slinky Redfoot said...

youve got to be fucking kidding me. I want to meet the inventor and shake his hand.

Slinky Redfoot said...