Monday, June 30, 2008

From the Book of Bozo

What do you get when you mix a nun with a circus clown?


Color Blocked Pantset. Button-front top with shoulder pads, side vents and button-cuffed sleeves. Pull-on pants with elastic waist and gently tapered legs. Woven poplin polyester. Machine wash & dry. USA made of imported fabric. Approximate inseam: Misses - 30", Women's - 30".

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Oscar Worthy

I saw the commercial for this item yesterday and, all I can say is "Wow."

When you watch the commercial (and you MUST), you'll see a variety of "what if" scenarios that are designed to get you to think, "Hmm, I never had a doorbell, so this might be a good thing." It's worth it, just for the Oscar caliber acting.

Scenario #1 - If a doofus shows up selling magazines door to door, he'll never get a dollar out of you, since you'll successfully (and smugly) be able to turn him down with a bitchy "No thanks, not interested."

Scenario #2 - Is that your estranged hoodie-wearing ex-boyfriend trying to bang down the door? Just scream, "GO away!" and press the "piercing" alarm. It's not like he can knock that thing off the wall, kick the door down and kill you.

Scenario #3 - Working with loud power tools? The doorman is actually loud enough to stop you from cutting off your finger so that you can go answer the door.

Scenario #4 - Got pill popping kids? Install one of the magnetic alarms in your medicine cabinet. Little Johnny will be completely incapacitated and too stupid to just close the door to stop the noise.

Order now, fools!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Chirp n' Crunch

Here is a product designed for people living in neighborhoods where there are no birds whatsoever. Battery-powered singing birds that you can put outside to greet guests. I can't wait to come over and see them. Not because of what they look like, but because they're made of ceramic, so when I "accidentally" stomp one, it will make a satisfying crunch.

Greeting birds welcome friends with cheerful chirping. Just place these feathered friends in a planter, on your windowsill, or at the front door and they'll sing sweetly every time someone walks by. Motion sensor activates within a 4' range. Each require 2 AA batteries (included). For indoor or outdoor use. Colorful hand-painted ceramic, 7 x 3 3/4 x 5".

Can It Be Engraved, Too?

The travel toothpick ejector is designed to save Americans from the "hassle" of... taking toothpicks out of a box. Nevermind the state of the planet, toothpick accessibility is going to be a real hot-button issue this November. Holds approximately 8 toothpicks.

Travel toothpick ejector provides fast, convenient access to toothpicks no matter where you go. Pocket sized and refillable with clear top case. Self-eject button eliminates the hassle of accessing each. Extremely sanitary! Top flips open to refill. Plastic, 3 1/2 x 1 x 1/4". $5.98

What Is This? Mouth Blown Edition

What the hell is this?

Is it:
A) "Pee-Buddy Travel Bathroom"
B) "Crazy Crystal Bud Vase"
C) "Lil' Labs Beaker Set"
D) Just stupid

Click Read More to find out.

D) As in Doofus Products International. Come on, just put the fucking wine in the fridge and call it a night!

Although I'd love to be there when some idiot tries to use this thing for the first time and realizes that:

A) It only chills two glasses' worth at a time
B) The chamber is cold and slippery and breaks when you drop it in front of your guests

Wine Chiller makes the perfect gift for wine enthusiasts because it keeps wine chilled at the ideal serving temperature without diluting. Simply fill the chilling chamber with ice and drop it into the mouth-blown, lead free crystal carafe for a perfect fit. When ready to serve, just remove the chamber and pour for a cool, refreshing glass of wine. 13 3/4".

Your Price: $59.98

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Whoops, I Spilled My Drink (on Purpose)

Holy flashbacks. On Memorial Day weekend, I was at a new bar that was having its first big night. Then a guy walked in selling these. And he was wearing one.

In case you were wondering: Yes, it looks retarded, especially on a middle-aged Mexican man. No, I didn't buy one.

Sound activated tee shirt The glowing equalizer reacts to any music or sound, includes a remote that lets you control the display with high or low intensity options. Requires 4 AAA batteries (not included). Remove power module before washing. 100% pre-shrunk cotton. $29.98

Because Bottles are Obsolete

I am full of questions this week.

A) How old do you have to be to need this?
B) How sad is it that no soda company would allow this piece of garbage to be photographed with their product?
C) Where are you going that you need to save the soda for later?
D) Why not just buy a bottle of soda, instead of this?
E) Who is dumb enough to spend $15.00 on this thing?

QuikTop® seals open cans to keep your soft drink fresh and fizzy until you finish it. It turns your can into a bottle so it's easy to drink from. Plus, you can seal it over and over again so you don't waste a drop. Unique patented seal prevents leaks and messy spills. The cap also doubles as a drinking cup. Set of 4 assorted colors. Dishwasher safe. $14.99

Glade Has Nothing on This

I really don't understand the obsession with fragrance in this country. If you clean your house, you don't need some dinky little battery operated fan to spread some chemical scent around right before company comes.

Although I do get a laugh out of the recommended uses on the box:


You're probably thinking, "Workshop? WTF?" But, of course. What manly man doesn't want the pungent scent of laboratory flowers in the air as he works on his car?

A refreshing scented breeze anywhere! This is the first portable fan with a refreshing scent infused right into the fan blades. Uses 2 AAA batteries (not included). 3 1/8"H x 2 3/4"W. $2.99

Monday, June 23, 2008

Out of Control

I have a few questions for the designers of the Remote Buddy.

Why are the remotes splayed out like that? Are they rockets?
What's with the dorky cup holder? Does this mount on your car's dashboard?
What do I do if I have five remotes?
Will this bring my property value down?
How long before these end up at the 99-cent store?
Who is buying this shit?

Remote Buddy Stylish vertical remote holder has four seats to store your most used remotes in one convenient location. Also has a handy cup holder for one drink. Color coded, one touch buttons work in conjunction with specific remotes to help you locate lost remotes. Just push the button on the base to signal lost remote. Modern design adds a futuristic touch to any decor. Plastic, 16 1/2 x 7 1/2 x 3 1/2".$59.98

Or, Just Buy More Pillows

This idiotic inflatable headboard has me thinking.

What's going on in your bedroom that you need an inflatable headboard? And what happens when a bout of rough sex punctures a hole in it and it just hangs off the wall by the double face tape?

Inflatable Headboard Sit up to read, watch TV or talk with the padded protection and ultimate comfort of air to support your back. Fashionable headboard sets up in only five minutes for any queen bed to make your sleeping and waking activities more pleasurable. Great for any bedroom, dorm room, kids room or vacation home. Just fill with electric air pump and attach with self-stick wall tabs to wall. Polyurethane and polyester, 60 x 30 x 4". $129.99

Friday, June 13, 2008

Christmas All Year Round

The lighthouse perpetual calendar is annoying versatile! It comes with interchangeable months of the year, as well as numbered squares for you to play with. I would imagine that it's inspired by and old calendar from the 1800's before paper and free bank calendars.

I would also imagine that:
A) You'll get tired of moving around the glorified Scrabble tiles after about two months
B) You'll be screwed in March, when you can't find numbers 29, 30, and 31.
C) You'll have to hide it when company comes, rather than explain why it still says December, even in June.

LIGHTHOUSE PERPETUAL CALENDAR will guide you through the days and months just as lighthouses have always guided seafarers. Wooden wall plaque features a handsome lighthouse replica in raised detail. Comes with interchangeable months of the year and 31 day squares that easily slide in and out to keep your calendar current—it never goes out of date! Includes hang hooks. 14-1/2" L x 7". $12.98

Monday, June 09, 2008

What, No Matching Hat?

The folks over at Midnight Velvet are calling this the "Iced Tea Satin Stripe Suit."

I'm calling it "That Episode of Tom and Jerry Where Tom Cut a Pimp Suit Out of a Hammock."

"Iced Tea" Satin Stripe Suit. Cool, refreshing style is what spring's all about — and our original suit shimmers with metallic stripes for a look you'll love! Sparkling beads trim the jacket with flattering open-swing profile and jeweled clasp. A sleeveless peachy copper shell gives just the right touch of color underneath. Straight skirt has back zip and elastic waist insets (33" long in size 10). Fully lined. Polyester/cotton; dry clean. Imported. $129.00

Funeral Gnome

Just imagine inviting people over to your home and greeting them with this piece of crap.

BART: Mom, here they come!
MOM: Oh, boy! Quick, hide by the curtains!
BART: Here comes Uncle Jack.
MOM: And there's Aunt Linda. They're gonna be so surprised.
BART: Look at...uh oh.
MOM: What is it?
BART: Why is Uncle Jack clutching his chest like that?
MOM: Oh, shit.

Plump gnome ground peeker Surprise! This spritely gnome is a charming way to welcome guests to your home. Just place him on your deck, lawn, garden or porch and he'll look like he just popped up to take a peek around. Polyresin, 8 1/2 x 5 1/2". $19.98

Why Not Wear it Around Your Neck?

Attention all SUV driving, gadget buying, burned-out soccer Moms! This self-deprecating plastic sign is just what you need to earn the respect of those other soccer moms out there. It's not like they'll talk about you behind your back or anything...

JACKIE: Oh, God. Here she comes.
JACKIE: Rebecca. She is always trying to put up a front like she's not a total pill-popping psycho.
MARLENE: I know. Just last week, she told me that she loves being a housewife and that it's "God's calling." Did you see that stupid sign on the front of her RAV-4?
JACKIE: On the front?
MARLENE: Yes. Some piece of crap she bought on the Internet. "Mom's Taxi Service" it says. I think she's going to off herself one of these days.
JACKIE: If her husband doesn't do it for her.
MARLENE: HA! HA! Ssh! Here she comes...
REBECCA: Hi, girls!
JACKIE: How are things?
REBECCA: Oh, you know - crazy! Those darn kids! Gotta shuttle em everywhere! Did you see my new sign?
MARLENE: Why don't you go kill yourself?
MARLENE: I said, "Why, those bills don't pay themselves..."
REBECCA: Okay...
JACKIE: Well, gotta go kill myself.

Mom's Taxi Service sign says is all just get a meter for your dashboard and you are ready for business. This humorous “ćom's Taxi Service" sign customizes the front end of your car or SUV by outwardly displaying how you often feel inside having to drive the kids here, there and everywhere! Just secue in place with velcro strap. 8 1/2 x 1 1/2". $19.98

Friday, June 06, 2008

WTF of the Year: The Self-Stirring Coffee Cup

No more votes, people. We have a winner. This is the definitive lazy-ass product. The self-stirring coffee mug from Gevalia. It runs on two AAA batteries and takes whatever self-respect you had and flushes it down the toilet.

Word is they're developing a device to not only make and stir the coffee, but lift it to your open mouth so that you may take gentle sips while driving.

Please disregard the "hand-wash" instructions. This item is completely dishwasher safe!

Insulated stainless steel gently stirs your beverage at the push of a button. Keeps coffee hot for hours. With snap-on, see-through sipper lid. 12-oz. capacity. Includes 2 AAA batteries. Hand wash. Imported. $18.95

[source: Geekologie, Gevalia]

Or, You Could Get Separate Beds

They say opposites attract, but this is ridiculous.

Here is an item that deserves its own commercial.

(Grainy black and white footage of woman freezing to death, next to a man sweating and crying)

VOICEOVER: Tired of freezing to death each night? Fed up with the sweltering heat? Worried about the fate of your marriage?

(ANNOYING, ENGLISH-ACCENTED ANTONY SULLIVAN) Then you need the Couple Comfort Blanket! Hi, Antony Sullivan here with the wireless Couple Comfort Blanket. Utilizing breakthrough technology developed by NASA, the Couple Comfort Blanket features two unique Comfort ZonesTM for optimum comfort and ease.

The left side is engineered with advanced thermal heat technology, for a warm winter night's sleep, while the right side is designed with durable paper-thin cotton technology to give your overheated partner a peaceful night's sleep without sweating all over the bed.

Both sides are fused together for a seamless look that will fit any Queen or King sized bed! It features no wires, no batteries or complicated installation! Simply attach to bed and enjoy! It's that easy.

The Couple Comfort Blanket is only $19.98! But if you order within the next 13 seconds, we'll double your offer! That's right, you'll get two Couple Comfort Blankets for the price of one!

Call now, and we'll throw in the Ped Egg, a $200.00 value, absolutely free.

Couple Comfort Blanket helps you both get a comfortable night's sleep. One side is an extra warm blanket, the other is a light sheet perfect for solving the nighttime hot-and-cold battle! Great for single sleepers too never again search for another blanket or toss your covers onto the floor. Fits both king and queen size beds. Makes a great wedding gift! Satin & polyester, 110 x 98". $19.98

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

What, No Winnie the Pooh Tie-In?

Any avid reader of this blog may remember this stupid money counting jar. The Money Honey Jar (by Telebrands, bringing you garbage for 20 years) takes it to a whole new, stupid lazy level of fantasy where you'll find so much money just laying around, stuck to random places, that you can buy electronics, golf clubs, even a new bike!

From the website: "Imagine finding cash everywhere you turn. It's in your car, in your house, you coat pocket, everywhere. Stop imagining and start saving now."

Here are a few more locations you may find money:
In your shoe!
Between the keys of your keyboard!
In your coffee maker!
Under your fingernails!
In your hair!

The commercial is brilliant. You have to watch it right now. It teaches kids how to add? No, it doesn't. It teaches kids how to be lazy.

I can't wait to bump into some asshole carrying this into Commerce Bank, dumping the contents into the Penny Arcade, and then fighting with the tellers.

"This thing stole my money! The Money Honey Jar says that there is $122.95 in here, but y'all Penny Arcade gave me $96.42!

Thanks to Neil, tipster extraordinaire.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

And They Say All the Good Ideas Are Taken

The Octodog Frankfurter Converter is a necessary evil, because, as we all know, kids hate hot dogs, so we must trick them into thinking they're...octopi?

It makes me want to kill somebody, although I will postpone my killing spree long enough to take you through the process of turning a hot dog into a mangled piece of shit.

STEP 1. Take Octodog out of box. Do not make eye contact.

STEP 2. Remove the eyes. Yes, the eyes.

STEP 3. Insert a tampon hot dog inside the Octodog. Replace the eyes to pin the hot dog in place. The sound you hear is what's left of your self-respect as it evaporates.

STEP 4. Slowly (or violently, depending on your mood) shove the Octodog down onto its base. This will cut the hot dog into eight pieces.

STEP 5. Remove the eyes - again. Tired of this thing yet? Remove hot dog and cook in boiling water. If your children are obese bullies who are responsible for foisting this waste of $17.00 on you, use the microwave.

STEP 6. Serve with a massive pile of potato chips and pork rinds. Consider suicide as your kids demand 2nd, 3rd, and 10th helpings. Let them play with it all night long as you take a drive in search of a bridge high enough to jump from.

How to Save $17.00 in Four Easy Steps
STEP 1. Open cutlery drawer.
STEP 2. Use a knife to cut four slits in the lower half of the hot dog.
STEP 3. Find a pushpin.
STEP 4. Poke two holes in the top for eyes.

Thanks for the tip, Lori. (I know someone else recommended this, but I can't remember who, so please let me know who you are)

How to Annoy The Neighbors at Night

I was thinking of getting some new lights for my patio. Which one's should I get?

A) "Flipper Comes Out of the Closet"


B) "Paraplegic Radioactive Ballerina"?

Create a colorful solar powered light display in your yard. Sleek, stainless steel stake features a luminous top with a subtle image of dolphins etched into it. At sunset, a tri-color LED bathes your landscaping with an ever changing glow of color. On/off switch. Requires rechargeable solar "AA" battery (included). Measures 17 1/3"H x 3 5/8"Diam.$11.99

Here's a solar light that does more than illuminate--it creates a light show to your yard or garden. During the day, multi-faceted solar panels collect energy from the sun. When the daylight fades, you'll enjoy a display of 7 ever-changing colors. 1 "AA" rechargeable battery (included). Plastic. 5" diam. x 17 1/4"H.$12.99

Or, Just Leave It There and Call the Kids

Normally I don't promote buying anything I poke fun at, but with the TeleStick, you might as well have two:

One to pick things up off the floor... and a second one to pick up the TeleStick once you drop it.

Although, if you drop both, you're pretty much out of luck, so keep those wire hangers handy!

Easily reach objects with one of two telescoping arms. Washable adhesive disc grabs items up to one pound. Hook will loop or drag items to you... powerful magnet grabs key rings, needles, pins. TeleStik™ is a lightweight 8" long, 5.4 ounces; arms extend 34" long. $4.99

Monday, June 02, 2008

Always Read the Fine Print

Finally, a drying rack just for my wine glasses! No more putting them in the microwave to dry or using the hair dryer! Hmm, I wonder if I can use this for drying martini glasses too! Better read the fine print...

Warning: The Wine Glass Air Drying Rack is for Wine Glasses only and should not be used for drying shot glasses, martini glasses, margarita glasses, juice glasses, champagne flutes, water glasses, highballs, pints, goblets, coffee mugs, beer mugs or tumblers. Failure to comply may result in personal injury or death.

Wine Glass Air Drying Rack does the drying for you! Air flows in and around each glass, drying them naturally without leaving behind water spots, fogging or drenched countertops. Glasses dry faster than ever and base pan collects dripping water, so there is no need to constantly dry your hands or wet towels. Silicone mat won't mar or scratch glasses. Silicone, stainless steel $39.98

When Pigs Fly

The Bacon Genie is designed to help you make bacon faster, all the while saving you from, "messy splatters" and having to "sop up the grease."

Because, as we all know, the second you hit "START," the bacon will not splatter, because it knows that the Bacon Genie is in control. It will neatly and orderly drip into the tiny reservoir. There will be no bacon grease covering the walls and ceiling of the microwave, and it certainly won't smell like bacon for the next three weeks.

When pigs fly.

Bacon Genie™ makes up to 12 strips of delicious, crispy bacon in the microwave in seconds! No more messy splatters from stovetop frying, or piles of paper towels to sop up the grease. Each piece hangs vertically while cooking to allow grease to drip into reservoir for easy dishwasher safe cleaning. Tongs included. 7.98