Friday, May 23, 2008

You May Also Like...Vacation Time

Dear Reader,

I'm taking the week off for Memorial Day.

I will begin posting again on June 2nd.



Lazy, Totally Lazy

I have not had a truly lazy item come across my desk in a long time. And you've got to be truly lazy (and stupid) to consider this waste of plastic: The motorized martini shaker, which, when you break it down, is actually a glorified paint shaker, commonly used in hardware stores. It's designed to save you from "the hassle of shaking."

Jesus Lazy Christ.

Attention American Consumers: No bar I have ever entered used a motorized martini shaker. Ever. They are like unicorns. They only exist in the minds of children and childlike, stupid adults.

What annoys me is the whole "retro" look of this thing, as if they really existed back in the 50s and are making a huge comeback. I'm surprised that there is no James Bond reference in the description.

A well equipped bar just isn't complete without a quality cocktail shaker. The preferred utensil for restaurant and bar professionals everywhere -— you'll be amazed how easy it is to make perfectly mixed drinks! Simply press a button to start the mixing action, and you are on your way to an expertly shaken cocktail. With a removable cap and an easy pour spout, the Retro Series™ Martini Shaker allows you to effortlessly make the martini of your choice without the hassle of shaking. $59.99

Big thanks to Neil Russell for the tip!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Boop Oop a...D'oh!

These hideous Betty Boop stickers are designed to "turn your everyday celing fan into a conversation-starter."

I can only imagine.

WIFE: Honey, what time are you coming home from work?
HUSBAND: Oh, I'd say about 6:30, why?
WIFE: I have a big surprise for you.
HUSBAND: Really? What is it?
WIFE: I can't tell you that, silly!
HUSBAND: Oh, come on, give me a hint. Is it red?
WIFE: Yes...
HUSBAND: Is it sexy?
WIFE: You're getting warmer...
HUSBAND: Is it something you put on and take off?
WIFE: Ooh, you're hot now!
HUSBAND: Oh my God! I'll be home in ten minutes!

Turn your everyday ceiling fan into a conversation-starter with the Betty Boop Fan Blade Décor! Set of 5 acrylic cling-on appliqués features our Miss Boop in a cute polka dot pattern!

Mystery Solved

To the Potential Wearer of This Waste of Cotton -

Allow me to help you with your confusion.

You are not the good one, nor are you the evil one.

You are the stupid one.

Which one is it? Your sister will laugh when you present her with this tongue-in-cheek Good Evil Sister T-Shirt! Our violet tee reads: "I Can't Remember if I'm the Good Sister or the Evil One!" $16.98

Maybe "Cat Castle" Would Have Been Better

Usually when you see something for dog-lovers, there's a corresponding cat-lovers item.

But sometimes it's better to just not try to appeal to both sides of the pet store.

Here is a personalized dog doormat. "Welcome to Our Doghouse" is cute and maybe it will inspire small talk about fighting with your wife and ending up in the dog house. Maybe.

The cat version will inspire an entirely different conversation.

Show off your fur-friendly family with this Personalized Cat House Doormat. Indoor-outdoor doormat is made of machine-washable neoprene and features the fun feline style shown. Non-skid backing. State name up to 12 characters ("The" is included and doesn't count). $29.98

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Project Run Away

This hideous caftan set was "designed" by:

A) 2 Crackheads
B) 3 Four year-olds on a 2-day sugar bender
C) 4 Project Runway contestants on LSD and PCP
D) No one, because no one would ever claim credit for this.

Increase your fashion tempo in this exclusive ensemble. Luscious citrus green texture creates the comfy caftan-style top. Accented with artful splashes of design, it features a chic, deconstructed hem and asymmetrical cut. Flowing pants have matching bursts of art, tapered leg and full elastic waist (30" inseam in size M). Rayon; hand wash. Imported. $109.00

Butterfly Seat Will Crush You Like a Bug

Despite the fact that this looks like just another outdoor knick-knack shelf or plant holder, it's actually a chair - with a supposed weight capacity of 250 pounds. Just imagine that, if you will.

I'd imagine that there are loopholes that allow a manufacturer to make these type of claims. For example, it might only need to withstand 250 lbs for maybe ten seconds to qualify.

After that, the seat might give way and the butterfly wings would fold in like a Venus flytrap, pinning the victim until paramedics are called to free him or her with the jaws of life.

Feel like a monarch in the stunning Butterfly Chair. Its airy, scrolled wings beckon you to sit for awhile. But don't be deceived by its delicate beauty — its sturdy, weather-resistant black metal frame is welded for strength and supports up to 250 lbs. Also makes a lovely display for flowers! Assembly required. 36" h x 31 3/4" w (from wing tip to tip) x 20" d. $99.95

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Think It Ate Some Bad Sushi Or Something

Have you ever wondered what a bloated, psychadelic butterfly looks like?

Wonder no more.

Celebrate the glories of nature with a seasonal tribute to the beautiful, graceful and oh-so elusive butterfly. With wings made of lacy iridescent metalwork and a glow in the deep blue glass globe at its center, this delightful sky dancer will twirl in the breezes that blow through your backyard. Includes a chain for easy hanging. 19 1/4"H x 15"W x 5"D. $14.99

Wanna Play Darts?

What do the Inflatable Boom Box speakers say about the person who buys them?

A) They are stuck in the 80s
B) There's some brain damage going on there
C) They don't want me to come over
D) They are fans of the Skymall catalog
E) They probably didn't notice that the actual speakers are the size of drink coasters
F) All of the above

Inflatable Boom Box Speakers. HUGE SIZE! 4 ft. x 3 ft. Perfect for summer parties! Plug in your iPod or MP3 player! $19.99

Friday, May 16, 2008

Birthday Pinata Begs You To Kill It

Some people dread upcoming birthdays as they get older. This might be partly to blame. The frightening animated singing birthday cake looks like the mutant lovechild of Mr. Potato Head and Betty Crocker, though the people over at the Lighter Side are hoping that it will be the "hit" of your party.

Only if there are baseball bats in the room.

The only thing scarier than this picture is the video that accompanies it. Click here to see it. Look for the link marked "Watch How It Works" and turn your speakers on. It might help to have a barf bag handy.

This wiggling, jiggling birthday cake is sure to be the hit of your party! Press a button and his rubber-like body sways wildly as his hilarious oversized lips mouth the words to the hit song, "Celebration!" Plastic "candle" actually lights up and flashes! $19.98

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Nothing a Little Duct Tape Can't Fix

Do you like a challenge first thing in the morning? Is it not enough to have to get out of your warm bed and take a shower and trudge off to work? Ever wish there was a way to not only wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but stay like that all day?

Then you need this stupid toy puzzle clock. The Stupid Toy Puzzle Clock (not its real name) is easily the most annoying piece of crap since Clocky.

It doesn't take much to figure out how this works. The alarm blares, and just as you're opening your eyes, the pieces fly out like Perfection, only it's the morning and you didn't ask to play this game so fucking early. You get out of bed and scream, "Wheee!" while you get down on all fours, find the pieces and put them back in. Then you say, "Whew! That was a challenge! I'm ready to face whatever the world wants to throw at me today!"

Seriously, what is the target demographic for this? Because, if you're not a morning person, this piece of garbage will not make you one. And it's not like you can't tape all the pieces down to keep them from coming out in the first place (should you receive one as a gift and get stuck having to use it) Below is the nauseating description. Makes you want to shove a square peg into somebody's mouth.

If you're a lover of puzzles, the Puzzle Alarm Clock may be just what you need to solve the ever perplexing issue of getting out of bed.

This "eye opener" of a gadget is an alarm clock come 3-piece jigsaw puzzle in one. When it's time to leave your incredibly cosy bed each morning, not only will your ears be treated to a fantastic ringing melody, a 3-piece jigsaw puzzle randomly shoots out.

So what you ask? Well, in order to turn off a ringing alarm, you must solve the jigsaw puzzle, assembling it back on to the clock.

Seems easy...not! It's a great way to get up though, as by the time you've found all 3 pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and solved it, you'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for the day ahead.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Stompy, and Time's Up

Serenity Now!

God, grant me the ABILITY
to accept the things I cannot break
The COURAGE to look at them
And the WISDOM to know they're garbage.

Relax to the soothing sound of water gently flowing over the inspiring words of "The Serenity Prayer." Beautiful indoors or outside, the polyresin fountain has a hand-painted stone like finish. Hang on a wall, or sit on a tabletop. Water circulates from the top fonts into the basin below. Plugs into an AC outlet; UL listed. 15 1/2"H x 6" W x 4 3/4"D. $14.99

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Great for Camping, Too!

What kind of cave are you living in that makes lighted tweezers necessary? Come on, now. Who are you, Anne Frank?

Lighted tweezers with precision edges grab even the smallest hairs. TweezeLight® with its bright LED light lets you see and remove stray hairs for a perfectly groomed look. Whether you’re shaping eyebrows or removing a splinter, the easy-to-hold tweezers shed light on what you’re doing. Has on/off switch, is made of stainless steel and comes in its own leather-look case. Batteries included. 3 ½” L.

"Puke, Vomit, Gag"

Here are some inspirational rings for people who are just barely holding on to their last bit of self-esteem and have resorted to "novelty jewelry" to distract them from thoughts of suicide.

They feature cheesy-astic phrases like, "One Day at a Time" and "Live, Laugh, Love," when they should say things like, "Stop Buying Crap," and "You're In Debt."

Wear these inspirational rings as a daily reminder of all that is important in life. The set of three silver-plated rings is engraved with the following: “One Day at a Time”, “Live, Laugh, Love” and “Faith, Hope, Love”. With the busy lives we all live, we shouldn’t forget to laugh, to hope and to believe that all things are possible. Wear them on any finger, separately or together. All three rings are size 7. Set of 3 $8.98

It's The Owner That Needs the Therapist

Even thought I could probably use this book, I think I already have an idea about what's inside.

Section 3 BEHAVIOR

Opening and slamming cabinet doors = I'm hungry. Get out of bed right now, and feed me.

Running from one end of the apartment to the other = When are you guys gonna get a bigger apartment?

Knocking over furniture in the middle of the night = This is the best theme park EVER.

Constant meowing at 6:00 a.m. = If you don't get up, you'll be late for work, then you'll get fired and I'll starve to death.

Punching cat-sized holes in the screen = Whoa! Almost fell out the window there. Stupid birds.

Cat Talk Book reveals the hidden moods and meanings of kitty communication! Noted cat therapist Carole Wilbourn explains the many messages your feline is trying to convey with their vocal and body language. You’ll learn how to decipher your tabby’s behavior, spot and interpret signals, and understand emotional and physical needs. A must for all cat lovers! 168 pages. $14.98

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?

(With apologies to Lori, who's been waiting for this one for a while.)
Click the image below, then answer the quiz.

What's the funniest part of this flyer for Millionaire's Conceirge?

A) The phrase "Ultimate Extensive Website"
B) The unfortunate bleed in the woman's legs
C) The man being served champage - in the middle of the runway/driveway/parking lot.
D) The eye-bleeding amount of fonts and colored text on that tacky black background
E) That one of the services offered is "TV Talk Shows."
F) The awkward tagline at the top.
G) All of the above and so much more.

Good Luck Changing the Batteries

What crap will they think of next? Here is a light for your remote control. Because, when you're sitting in the dark watching TV and get the urge to change the channel, it will be far easier to find the switch on this little thing, than to simply turn on the lamp next to you. And changing the batteries is just as easy as it would be with your remote - via screwdriver.

Remote Control Light. This little light's flexible arm attaches to any remote-shining just enough light to brighten the buttons in the dark! Can also be used as a reading light. Attaches with hook and loop; includes small screwdriver to open battery compartment. Uses two AAA batteries (included). 8" long.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I Can't Wait to be There for Spray # 601

This spray is designed to lubricate pills and vitamins so you can swallow them. You know, in case you're the kind of person who typically finds themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere with no access to water, but always remembers to bring a plate.

Spray N' Swallow™ lubricates both sides of a pill or vitamin creating a safe, easy way for it to travel down the throat without getting caught. 100% natural, anti-stick solution puts an end to stubborn, hard to swallow pills. 600 sprays per bottle.

Not Even Good Enough for Barbie

Memo to "lighting" manufacturers: Cheap, ugly, plastic, overpriced, battery-powered, flickering, fucking faux-candle wall sconces are for doll houses, not real houses.

Cordless flickering candle sconce for soft accents in any room using realistic, imitation candle light. Battery powered, flickering cordless wall sconce has no messy wires and works even when there is no electricity. This means they can go virtually anywhere. Requires 3 C batteries, not included. Base metal, 51" x 9 x 9 with 3 x 3" faux candle. $39.98

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Fire and Water: Soooo Relaxing.

I saw this at Jack's World at lunch yesterday and gasped aloud. Why am I alone when I see stuff like this in person? I was shocked to find it online by doing a Google search for "cheap, tacky, shit sold at Jack's World on 45th Street." It looks even cheaper in person. I wanted to gather them all up and put them in the toy aisle. Clearly their stock associate made a mistake.

Somewhere there's a joke in here about this thing putting itself out, but I just don't have it in me today. Do you?

Unique LED lighting creates a realistic candlelight effect. Helps you relax with soothing sounds of water. Attractive design suitable for any decor. Compact, tabletop size. Polished river rocks included. Convenient table top size measures 7 1/4 Inches Long x 7 1/4 Inches Wide x 8 Inches Tall $19.95

You Say Tomato Holder, I Say Crap

WIFE: Honey, do we have any tomatoes?
HUSBAND: I'll check. (opens fridge, glances in, shuts door) Yep.
(five minutes later)
WIFE: Honey, where are the tomatoes you found before?
HUSBAND: There was just one. It's in the door.
WIFE: That wasn't a tomato! That was the tomato wedge I saved a week ago! You are so stupid.
HUSBAND: Oh, yeah? Not half as stupid as the woman buying a tomato shaped tomato holder.

Keep cut tomatoes garden-fresh and tasty longer! Don’t let partially-used tomatoes spoil. Airtight, palm-sized container keeps moisture and flavor in; keeps air and mold out. Its unique tomato shape is easy to find in a crowded refrigerator, too! Dishwasher-safe poly. Approx. 4" diam. x 3-1/4" H. $4.98

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Melon-Shaped Melon Saver Sold Seperately

Do you have lots of space in your kitchen for stupid gadgets? Do you love melons, but can't for the life of you, figure out how to cut one? Embarrased when company comes and you find yourself serving whole, uncut melons, then running from the room crying? Well, stupid, your single-use gadget has arrived.

Melon Ease® peels and slices melons instantly! Just cut a melon in half, remove seeds, and then press down with the special cutter. Give the easy-grip handle a twist and—presto—you have perfect segments, peeled and ready to serve. No drippy mess, no sticky hands or counter! Dishwasher-safe stainless steel and plastic. 6-1/2" H x 5-3/4" diam. $9.98

Is It 2012 Already?

Some people swear that the world will end in 2012. I say that we are already there and that these stupid NFL Crocs are proof positive. Why? Because I hate sports and I hate Crocs. And anything that makes flip flops good has to be a bad sign.

Now you can show your team spirit from head-to-toe. Comfortable, cool and molds to your feet.Slip-resistant and non-marking soles. TEAMS: Bears, Cowboys, Eagles, Falcons, Giants, Packers, Patriots, Raiders, Steelers and Vikings. $35

Monday, May 05, 2008

Hand Over Those Matches, Too

This lung-shaped screaming and coughing ashtray is designed to guilt hardcore smokers into kicking the habit. You know, in case they don't have access to patches, nicotine gum and don't live in New York, where we have "shock" ads featuring people with holes in their necks and missing fingers. I myself don't smoke, but I still think this is pointless. It's like giving an alcoholic a wine glass that reads, "Orange juice only please."

A quit-smoking approach-with a bit of humor, too! This ashtray looks like a set of lungs, complete with bronchia. When a cigarette is placed on the edge of the "lungs," you hear a realistic, hacking cough or a burning scream. Sounds are also activated by light and motion! It's a comical, lighthearted way to encourage smokers to quit. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included). Plastic. 4 1/2" x 5".

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Just Hide Their Cigarrettes

From Zero to Grounded in 30 Seconds

Hey, kids! Want to pull a fast one on Dad for Father's Day? Get him a can of Diamond hair max! He'll go from having a full head of a hair to a shiny bald spot in just 30 seconds! The proof is in this incredible before and after photos!

Diamond hair max attaches to thinning hair in 30 seconds or less to achieve thicker, fuller looking hair. Feel better about your self and be more confident. All-natural ingredients will not stain or damage clothing. Does not expire or have any side effects. Comes out easily with shampoo. .9 fl oz.

Just Pull the Plug, Please

Here's an item that inspires me to think about the future.

If and when the day ever comes that I cannot eat an entire banana without saving half "for later," while calling them "nanas", I would like to be smothered with a pillow.

NANA Saver™ Banana Holder Eliminates waste so you can enjoy half now, and half later. Keeps a sliced banana fresher, longer by reducing exposure to air. Hinged banana shaped body with tiny teeth grip sliced bananas firmly in place and flat plate presses snug against banana face to minimize air contact. Top-rack dishwasher safe. Plastic. $2.98

Friday, May 02, 2008

Gag Me With The Whole Cutlery Drawer

Which drug did the designer of this bag likely use before getting to work?

A) Crack
B) Meth
D) all of the above, plus a bottle of wine, some prescription meds and a pot of coffee.

This soft, patchwork leather bag is a classic favorite. The outside flap is beautifully accented with a leather tassel and gold-tone clasp that has a magnetic closure to keep everything safe and secure. Under the flap, there are two large zippered compartments and a zippered pocket for coins, keys and glasses. 10"H x 9 1/2"W x 4"D with long double straps.

What Is This?

What's this?

A) Cheap souvenir scale model of the Chrysler building.
B) Antique Art Deco salt shaker
C) Kewl Krome USB slot memory drive
D) Something that suddenly makes the other three look very appealing.

Click Read More to find out.

D) Gross. I mean, totally gross, especially the speed settings.

This unique, egg-shaped massager is specially designed to send sensual vibrations through the erogenous zone for heightened pleasure and satisfaction. These sexual health products are designed with 5 speeds for personalized pleasure, you can choose slow pulsation, medium pulsation, high pulsation, rhythmic vibration or mega vibration. Can also be used for body massages. Egg is 1"W x 2 1/2"L. Control is 4 1/4"L x 1 1/2"W. Uses one 9-volt battery (not included).

5 Speeds for Personal Pleasure:
Slow Pulsation
Medium Pulsation
High Pulsation
Rhythmic Vibration
Mega Vibration

Cameltoe for Men: CramCrotch

As I walked to work today, I distinctly remembered thinking, "That fucking clothes dryer made my pants shrink. And at the worst possible spot - the crotch." I couldn't wait to get to work to hide behind my desk all day long.

Then I saw these (at of all places) and I felt better. While my shrinkage was an accident (the result of overeating), this is intentional. And very sad.

Now, I'm no fashion expert, like the genious girls at Go Fug Yourself, but I can say that these make it seem as though the model flaked out on them at the last minute and they hired a bloated corpse to replace him. Or they had to use hydrolics to cram his thick thighs into those pants.

Polo Ralph Lauren Hudson Boot Cut Jean Orig. $145.00 Now $49.99 Modern, trim-fitting jean in sleek white denim, gently worn and abraded for vintage character.

And Overdosing Has Never Been Easier!

This little gadget is designed to help the forgetful elderly by giving them a way to "check-off" their medications as they take them. You simply slide the little button to the opposite side to tell yourself, "Hey, it looks like I did take my anti-seizure medication last night! No wonder I slept so well!"

In the Dream World, the user will delight as this makes his or her life easier...

...but in the Real World, some poor old lady will forget to click the button until a few hours have passed, then go back and click it, forgetting that she didn't take the dose, but only got to click the button before getting distracted by that phone call from her daughter, who wanted to ask her if she could babysit little Johnny while she went to get a pedicure. And then she'll die.

Finally—an easy way to monitor your daily doses! Just attach self-stick dosage strip along the side of your prescription bottle and align the 4 indicator tabs to the left. As each dose is taken during that day, slide tabs to the right. It’s that easy to keep track! Includes raised Braille markings for vision-impaired users. 2" L. Set of 10 strips.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Foot Patrol

How long before someone is caught using this in public?

COP: License and registration, please.
DRIVER: (drops Ped Egg) What seems to be the problem, officer?
COP: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
DRIVER: No, officer, I don't.
COP: That was a rhetorical question.
DRIVER: I don't understand.
COP: Really? Okay, well, let me put it to you straight: You were FILING YOUR CALLUSES BEHIND THE WHEEL! What is wrong with you? Do you know what kind of accident you almost caused back there?
DRIVER: But look how smooth my heels are! (pokes foot out of window) Summer's coming! And you know what that means...flip flops! Ooh, do you want to try it out?
COP: (on radio) We're gonna need backup here...

Ped Egg™ gently removes calluses & dead skin so your feet will feel smooth and soft. Fits securely in the palm of your hand so you can gently slide it across the area you wish to treat. It has 135 stainless steel micro-files that are safe to the touch, and comes with two high-quality buffing pads. Your feet will feel and look like they’ve been to a spa. Easy to empty and clean. 4" L. Replacement kit contains 3 precision microfile cartridges and 3 emery finishing pads.

When It Dies, It Goes to a Landfill In the Sky

Hey, look! It's Pleo! What's a Pleo you ask? Pleo is a robotic dinosaur that you can own and have as a pet. It "interacts with you — moving organically, expressing emotion, autonomously exploring and responding to the world around him."

What I'd like to know is this: With all the millions of shelter dogs and cats in the world, why on earth would you buy one of these and give it to your kids?

Click here to read the description in full, as well as reviews from suckers people who own one.

The Race for the Haunted House

I know it's about seven months too early, but I thought I'd get a head start on Halloween. What do you think, guys? Should I go as Chris Rock, Dick Cheney or Christine Baranski?

Candidates masks are a fun way to show your support for your favorite presidential candidate. Our next Head of State won't be unmasked 'til November, but you can enjoy the excitement of the race with these comical masks. They're sure to turn heads at parties, Halloween or any time. Latex. $19.98