Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Time to Make the Homeowners Insurance Go Up

Well, whataya know! Just what every SUV driving, fast-food loving American family needs! A portable donut maker!

What is most likely to happen, following the arrival of the donut maker?
A) spontaneous grease fire
B) children fighting for the next batch to spit out
C) entire family hospitalized for grease burns
D) tantrums over the minuscule size of the donuts
E) 2 week carb coma for the entire family!
F) all of the above - at once

Donut maker creates warm, delicious mini-donuts in under a minute! Just add dough and watch as it automatically forms, fries and drains. The rest is up to you! Add icing, sprinkle with sugar, dip in chocolate... the possibilities are endless! Enclosed oil fryer makes cleanup easy. Fun for birthdays, carnivals or anytime. 22 3/4 x 7 x 14". $119.98

King of Beer Bellies

The remote control pager is for the guy who regularly misplaces his beer at parties. Or is, perhaps too stupid to simply go to the fridge and grab another. It keeps your domestic beer cold and, at the touch of a button, will light up and burp to help you find it. (That would be the button marked "click.")

Knowing that, I have a few lingering questions:
A) How will you be able to make out the burp of the beer can over the burps of all the other pot-bellied pigs men in the room?
B) Is the man on the "koozie" graphic(not my spelling, theirs) actually using a wheel barrel to support his massive belly?

Remote control pager helps you locate your lost beverage. It's easy to misplace your brew - now it's easy to find it! Just press the button and this insulated koozie lights up and announces its location with a loud belch. Mini remote clips to your belt, works up to 60 ft. away. Requires 4 AA batteries (not included). Plastic. $19.98


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Why Not Just Attach It To a Shopping Cart?

What does the Electronic Drawer Safe say about it's designers?

A) They're concerned for your safety
B) They know what it's like to be robbed
C) They come from a planet where drawers are permanently attached to the furniture they're in and can't be removed, along with the safe, and carried away to another location to be pried open with a crowbar - or stick of dynamite.

Honeywell™ electronic drawer safe keeps valuables safe and out of sight. Designed to be stored - and bolted down - in a desk or dresser drawer. Store cash, jewelry, credit cards, important documents, firearms. Features digital locking system with reprogrammable custom combination and built-in interior light. Includes mounting kit and emergency override key. Requires 4 AA batteries (included). Heavy-gauge steel.

Why Is That Man Drooling?

I think the makers of Climax-Gel might want to re-think their packaging. In the wrong hands, it could be dangerous.

SCENE - Church steps
WIFE: Honey, how do I look?
HUSBAND: You look okay, but I still think you should have worn the strapless dress.
WIFE: Really?
HUSBAND: You look like a frickin librarian. Jesus, can't you sex it up some time?
WIFE: You're one to talk. Your breath could take the paint off the walls.
HUSBAND: Really?
WIFE: Yeah, really.
HUSBAND: You got any of that mouth spray? You know, Biancca, or whatever the fuck it's called?
WIFE: Let me check my purse. (rummages through purse, smiles) Oh, here it is. Okay, honey, close your eyes and open your mouth. I'll take good care of you.

Climax-Gel™ is not just another lubricant. Two distinct formulations target sex-specific needs. Women's formula helps increase lubrication,orgasms and sexual pleasure. Men's formula increases sensitivity and pleasure that can result in more endurance and longer-lasting erections. Formula is proven to give you more intense, longer-lasting pleasure - and it's 100% natural! USA. Contains 1 fluid ounce. $24.99

Monday, April 28, 2008

Guess How Much: Furniture

It's been a long time since I've done one of these. Guess how much for this simple table?

E) more than you'd need to pay for a single metal table

E) For Expensive. $765 for this baby. It's stuff like this that makes me creep ever closer to becoming a freegan.

The name "MUJI" is derived from the Japanese phrase "Mujirushi Ryohin," meaning "No Brand Goods." Over the last 20 years, they have developed a worldwide following with a guiding philosophy that emphasizes innovative and simple materials, processes, and packaging. The resulting products are streamlined, environmentally friendly, and beautiful in their simplicity. Made of aluminum.

Motion Sickness

You are having a party and decide to use your new Wobble Glasses, which, according to the folks at MoMA, are designed to "gently wobble."

How many spilled drinks will you need to clean up before the night is over?


Bonus quiz (for extra credit):
How many guests will involuntarily throw up while watching these wobble around on the table after one too many?
A) 3
B) 6
C) 2
D) None. They will have all wobbled off the table and shattered by then.

Add playful splashes of color to your table with these three-inch tall round-bottom glasses that gently wobble. Each set includes four glasses in a warm or cool color palette. Suitable for cocktails, liqueurs, and desserts. Dishwasher and microwave safe. $40.00

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Honey, Why Are You Peeing in the Sink?

Nothing starts the wheels of divorce faster than this. A nagging toilet seat. Sure to scare any man who can't figure out how to pry this off with a simple screwdriver and throw it in the garbage.

Give him an 'earful' when he lifts the lid, "Excuse me Sir! PUT THE SEAT DOWN when you're finished! Thank you." Secures under toilet seat with included double-sided tape. Batteries included. Plastic, 5 3/4 x 4 1/2 x 1". $9.98

Monday, April 21, 2008

Died With a Silver Spoon in Her Mouth

Illusion Decorative Flatware is the culinary equivalent of putting a Lexus badge on a 1982 Cadillac Cimmaron. In other words, "You're not fooling anyone." For all this marketing mumbo jumbo, these look like they were made with pressed aluminum foil, sure to snap off and get caught in someone's throat. Buyer beware!

HOSTESS: I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight. Please, have a seat. Our first course is a lovely house salad with rare grape tomatoes. We'll be following that will a succulent Kraft Macaroni and Cheese souffle. For dessert, we'll be having individual Italian Ices! Bon appetit!

SET A BEAUTIFUL TABLE! For special occasions or everyday use, this beautiful flatware set with the look of fine faceted crystal, is the perfect compliment to any dinnerware. Service for four in durable stainless steel includes: knife, fork, salad fork, spoon, soup spoon, and stores or displays on a sturdy 10"T metal stand. Perfect for everyday meals, buffets, and elegant dinner parties. Dishwasher safe.$29.97

Here Comes the Debt

Ladies, don't forget to add this to your bridal registry! Start your lifetime of debt together with this stomach-churning wedding clock! Designed by a 9-year-old with stencils and water colors, this clock will easily go with any decor, so long as that decor has wheels and sits in a trailer park. It uses a totally impractical combination of AA and C batteries, and plays Here Comes the Bride every single hour, to remind you that, yes, you're married now. No more late nights out with the girls, no more unadulterated fun, no more random sex... Hey! What are you doing with that hammer?

Wedding chime clock At the peak of every hour Wagner's classic "Here Comes The Bride" plays in strings and piano. Each hour the bride and groom march around the wedding clock. Night sensor mutes sound in darkness and volume control. Requires one AA battery and three C batteries for the chime, not included. Plastic, 13 1/2". $39.98

Julia Child Must be Spinning in Her Grave

Are you clumsy? Afraid of anything sharp? Don't have the patience or skill to learn how to cut vegetables correctly? Can't afford a food processor, but have a collection of food cutting devices that fill an entire drawer in your kitchen?

Then you need this.

The innovative Finger Shield gives you a firm grip and provides a safety barrier between the knife and your fingers as you slice and chop. Ideal for slender, hard-to-grasp veggies like carrots, celery, cucumbers and zucchini. Dishwasher-safe plastic is 4" long.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Endorsed by the State of California

Introducing the Furminator! This massive device will comb an entire adult sized dog in two easy strokes. Simply lay the dog on its side, comb, then flip! It's that easy. No more tiny, hard to handle brushes and hours and hours of combing. And you'll save money on expensive pet groomers, too! Order now, and we'll throw in a second Furminator, absolutely free. Just pay $99.99 for heavy freight.

Furminator deshedding tool promotes healthy skin and a shiny coat. Quickly and easily remove loose hair, bring out natural oils and reduce shedding by up to 90%. Reduce mess and airborne elements that cause allergic reactions. Works on short and long haired pets, helps eliminate hairballs in cats. Rubber, plastic, stainless steel.

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Is the Butler on Vacation?

Here is a very cheap looking product designed for complete idiots who don't want to do anything for themselves. Or those who'd like to pretend that they live in a mansion and have servants who run their bath for them.

The idea behind the Shower Light is, as you may have gathered, to "never jump in a cold shower again." Who does that? What are we, cartoons? High-energy sitcom characters? You stick your hand under the water, and if it's too hot, you scream, "Too @#$%ing hot!" and then you adjust it so that it's not.

I really hope this thing malfunctions and burns the shit out of whoever uses it.

Shower Light™ - never jump in a cold shower again! When you first turn on the faucet, blue light shines down through the stream to indicate the water is still cold. When the water reaches a comfortably warm temperature (89°ree; F), the LED light changes to red. No batteries or special tools needed. Quick and easy to install, fits a standard shower pipe. Plastic, 5 x 4 x 4". $49.98

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Scoop n' Poop

Pop quiz! Please move everything from your desk except for two sharpened number 2 pencils.

Is this item for:
A) Babies
B) Old people
C) A&B
D) Sticking it to your dash so you can drive and eat at the same time.

Unique, high-contoured rim makes it easy to scoop food onto a utensil without spilling. Especially helpful for hard-to- eat foods like peas, beans, cereal, stir-fry, chili, soups and ice cream. Rubber suction base grips tabletop for added stability to prevent sliding. Safe for dishwasher and microwave. Polypropylene is 5" diameter.

But Look How Cute It Is!

Let's face it: Water damage can ruin your day, whether it be sudden flooding from a storm, or just your idiot tenant who left the water running. But now, there's a cute solution! The Leak Frog is a device that senses the slightest amount of water and alerts you via piercing alarm. It's battery-powered, so you don't have to worry about draining your electric bill just in case. Your home is safe with Lil Severed Frog Head standing guard.

Besides, it's not like those batteries will eventually leak and kill the frog on the same day a Nor'easter rolls in and takes out your furnace.

Leak Frog Alarm protects your home from costly water damage! Place this cute froggy anywhere water may overflow or drip. Device immediately senses the slightest water accumulation (1/32" of water!) and alerts you with a piercing alarm. Perfect for bathrooms, kitchen, laundry room, basement, under sinks. Includes 3 AAA batteries. 2-1/2" H. $12.98 2 for $24.50

Friday, April 11, 2008

Great, They're Extinct Now

Have you ever wondered what an eagle caught in a giant spider web might look like?

Wonder no more, kids. Wonder no more.

Native Americans believe that the good in their dreams are captured in the web of life and carried with them. If you believe, this handsome American Eagle and Flag Dream Catcher will do just that! Made of durable polyresin and feathers. A beautiful accent that shows your patriotic pride and Americana spirit. 8'' in diameter. $12.97

Thinner Than a Forest, Maybe

For once, I fully agree with the description that accompanies this item. It definitely has an "allure all its own." I wonder how many traffic accidents this would cause.

GRACEFUL LOUNGING This jacquard woven polyester caftan has an allure all its own. Fashion import fits sizes 6-24. $24.97

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

If You Break It, You Die

Do you have low self esteem? Do you wish there was someone in your life to tell you how pretty you are, even though your face looks like the business end of a shark? Do you live alone but still require constant validation?

Well, then, this mirror may be perfect for you. Mirror, Mirror... (a.k.a. Low Self Esteem Mirror, or Home Suicide Prevention System) "describes your face from top to bottom." I wondered how much detail could possibly be in anyone's face to fill up a mirror until I clicked the photo below. Click to enlarge. Warning: May cause projectile vomiting. Makes a great gift for lonely, ugly people.

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Monday, April 07, 2008

Ther Prooofreeder Musdt Bee on Vacashun

What's the most amusing thing about this dinosaur candle holder?

A) That it reminds kids that there are scarier purple dinosaurs besides Barney.
B) That it will drip candle wax all over your cake.
C) That the candles will probably melt all over each other in a lovely inferno of wax and plastic.
D) The description, which is proof that Harriet Carter has finally outsourced her data entry to some third world country where Spell Check has yet to be discovered.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Soft Candy

What's this?

A) Easter candy tree?
B) Microscopic closeup of newly discovered fatal Triangle Virus
C) Promotional ad for Tic Tacs new Egyptian store
D) Something far more bizarre

Click Read More to find out

D) (Sigh) It's too bad Madonna didn't have one of these handy to promote her new album, Hard Candy, but I digress.

It's a lovely candy bra and candy g-string. What will they think of next?

Just imagine the conversation this will spark in the bedroom.

CANDY: Hi, baby. You ready to have some fun?
ELIOT: Oh, you betcha.
CANDY: Well, come on inside and fix yourself a drink. I'll go slip into something more comfortable.
ELIOT: Oh-oh-okay!
CANDY: Hee hee! (rushes into bedroom, slams door)
(five minutes later)
CANDY: Ooh, Eliooot, I'm ready for you.
ELIOT: Oh my God. What are you wearing?
CANDY: You like?
ELIOT: I like. Is that - candy?
CANDY: Yeah. That's my trademark. You get your dessert first with me! Hee hee!
ELIOT: Wow. I feel like a little boy all over again.
CANDY: Really?
ELIOT: Yeah. This was my favorite candy. My mom used to get it for me all the time. I couldn't get enough of it. (touches candy, stares)
CANDY: Oh boy. This is getting weird. Maybe you'd better go.
ELIOT: But I paid in advance!
CANDY: I'm not into Mommy fantasies. Get the hell out.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Death Trap

How long will it take the average ass-crack showing, football-watching, domestic beer drinker to figure this out?

A) 30 seconds
B) 5 minutes
C) 1.2 seconds
D) They'll just eat their way into it.

They're ready for a cold one and oops, they have to navigate this dastardly wooden puzzle that looks simple enough, but it's sure to work them up into a lather as they try to free the can of beer! Great gag gift! Beer can not included. 8.75" tall.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


You know, I see a lot of things that provoke an initial reaction of "What the fuck?" or "That has to be a joke." Sadly, they're always real, and they always make me weep.

So, it's a relief to come across the ZeroCal, which is thankfully, a joke from Australia.

The ZeroCal is part of a diet plan where the meals contain a large proportion of foods with negative calories (cauliflower, cucumbers, celery, garlic etc.) creating a calorie deficit.

•Many high-calorie foods (like meat) are substituted with lower-calorie foods that are just as delicious (like seafood).

•The remaining calories are erased through our proprietary CalBurnKnob™ technology. This is a knob on the takeaway box that's very hard to open (see picture below) – meaning you burn off the remainder just by opening the container!

(The sad part is that I fell for it - but in my defense, I've seen so many stupid things that I expect stuff like this to eventually surface on QVC or in Harriet Carter catalog)

Thanks for the tip, Summer!


Grenade Change Purse Sold Separately

Love may be a battlefield, but shopping? Shopping is war. These camo flats were designed for the woman who's determined to get her shopping done, but who likes to support the troops in her own subtle way. Look for her sporting these bile green shit-kickers as she steps out of her Hummer H2 in the parking lot of Walmart. God Bless America!

These darling flats do everything but camouflage your style. Trendy camo print coordinates with nearly every outfit and environment, whether urban... or a bit more wild! Synthetic uppers. Full and half sizes M(medium) and W(wide) 6–10, 11. $39.95

Game Over

This suit may be called "Domino", but I see more of a scratch-off lottery ticket thing going on. (click to enlarge)

What do you think? Don't you want to just run up to her with a penny in your hand and scratch the hell out of that jacket to see if you've won a million dollars? And just for the record, "leather" and "suit" should never appear together. Ever.

"Domino" Rhinestone-Trim Leather Suit. Play the game of fashion, and win! Sparkling rhinestone crystal trim creates an unexpected play of light against black leather for the dazzling jacket. Matching straight skirt has waist darts, back zip and walking vent (31" long in size 10). Jacket has zip front. Fully lined. Black. Professional leather clean. Imported. $279

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I'm Sure The Rest of it is Weathered, Too

Ever wonder what the waiting room of a brothel looks like? Throw the "wall sun face" (great name) up on your wall and you'll feel like the ex-governor of New York! It features a "wise, weathered face," which makes me feel like I need to take a shower immediately. (click to enlarge)

Wall Sun Face - Wall sun decor brightens the entire room! Glorious wavy rays frame a wise, weathered face to form a captivating work of art that's sure to make any open area the center of attention. Metal, 30" diameter. $39.98

Thems New Yorkers Sure Are Mean

I never thought there would be something to topple the almighty Knork, but there is.

Attention tourists! Real New Yorkers fold their pizza in half and eat it. The knife is only for cutting the slices and warding off muggers. If we catch you bringing one of these into our city, we will cut you with it. Capeesh?

From ultra thin to deep dish, pizza is your passion. The Pizza Fork™ makes it easy to swiftly cut through crust and toppings no matter how thick or crisp. It has the same cutting wheel as a pizza cutter along with an extra-long stainless steel fork so you can slice and eat your pizza with one handy utensil. Try it with other foods, like pancakes, tostadas and French toast. Offered in sets of 2. Your guests will love it.