Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Halloween Comes Early This Year

Got meth mouth? Did you chew on nails as a child? Maybe you liked grinding your teeth to the tune of the Facts of Life? Regret that now? Sure you do. You're an adult and it's time to go on a date. But you're hideous. So what do you do? Go to the dentist? Not when you can plunk down 40 bucks and snap these babies in for a fraction of what other's will pay. Now go ahead and post that classified ad on Craigslist.

TIM: I want to thank you for answering my personals ad. I haven't had a date in as long as I can remember.
JANE: Oh, gosh. It was nothing. I don't get out much these days either! So maybe it's a sign! Ha! Ha!
TIM: So...can I buy you a drink?
JANE: Sure! I'll have a rum and Coke.
TIM: (cringes visibly)
JANE: Are you okay?
TIM: Yeah, I'm fine.
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(fifteen minutes later)
HOST: Sir, madam, Your table is ready. Right this way.
JANE: I'm starving. Let's eat!
TIM: (pulls chair out) Here you are, Jane.
JANE: Oh, Tim. You're such a gentleman! I can't imagine what could possibly keep a man like you single!
TIM: Well, you know what they say. Love takes time.
JANE: That's my favorite song! Oh my God! I think I'm in love with you, Tim!
WAITER: May I take your order?
TIM: Sure. Jane, why don't you go ahead.
JANE: Oh, Tim, you're such a gentleman! I'll have the steak, medium well, with a side of broccoli. (Turns to Jim) I have to keep my girlish figure. I think I've found my man! (winks)
WAITER: And for you, Sir?
TIM: What kind of soup do you have tonight?
WAITER: New England clam chowder and split pea.
TIM: Which one would be easier to drink through a straw?
WAITER: Split pea.
TIM: I'll have that then. Can you have the chef puree it for me?
WAITER: I can ask. I'm sure it won't be a problem. And for your main dish?
TIM: That's all.
JANE: That's all? Wow. And I thought I was watching my weight.
TIM: You're a very special lady, Jane.
JANE: Oh, Tim. Kiss me.
TIM: (purses lips rigidly)
JANE: Is something wrong? You're suddenly so uptight. You're not gay, are you?
TIM: No. It's just that I haven't kissed a woman in a while. I'm just a little nervous, that's all.
JANE: (pulls away) What the fuck? Your teeth just moved!
TIM: No they didn't.
JANE: Yes, they did. You freak! (stands up)
TIM: Jane, please. I can exthplain! (teeth fall out)
JANE: Oh, my God! You've got Meth Mouth! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! (runs out of restaurant)

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Just Imagine Their Breath
Saving Face

1 comment:

Slinky Redfoot said...

those teeth are the WORST!