Monday, December 15, 2008

Shaves As Close As a...Oh Just Take It!

Ever wish you could experience what it was like in the 70s, when everything was as gaudy and glitzy as can be? Or maybe you wonder what kind of shaving equipment Liberace might have used?

Here you go.

Not only is this thing ugly as a 2000 Monte Carlo, but they're practically giving them away over at Carol Wright Gifts, where they're two for one. (I guess it makes sense since the first one will probably fall apart right out of the box.)

Get a clean, close shave anywhere you go with this cordless, rechargeable men's shaver. It features a triple head for fast, comfortable shaves, precision stainless steel blades, pop-up trimmer, high performance motor and comfort grip. Comes with double direction locking switch and LED charge indicator. Shaver set includes power cord, cleaning brush and storage case. UL-listed. $19.99 Buy One Get One Free

Holy Crap

Not that I've been searching or anything, but if I were having an Ugly Clock Contest, this would definitely win for "Most Over-Engineered, Hideously Designed Waste of Plastic Aimed at Religious Folk Who Will Buy It Out of The Fear That They'll Burn in Hell if They Don't."

Musical praying hands clock provides hourly inspiration with a "Hallelujah" hymn and glowing LED lights. Show visitors your faith and heavenly devotion. Sound shuts off automatically between 10 PM and 6 AM. One AA and three C batteries required (not included). Polystyrene, with the look of stained glass. 10" diameter. $29.98

Thursday, November 06, 2008

They Don't Call it "Fall" for Nothing, You Know

Is it just me, or is this an accident waiting to happen? I mean, it's ugly enough to cause an accident, but look at all those random shapes, just waiting to trip someone up as they walk in on Thanksgiving Day. I see a flying casserole in someone's future, followed by a broken hip.

Grandma! You brought my favorite! Look out!

It's the time of year to greet guests with especially warm welcomes. Cheerful leaf-shaped rug is a seasonal mix of browns and rusts. Rubber non-skid backing prevents slippage. Acrylic/polyester blend for indoor use only. Spot clean. Imported. Measures 29"L x 25"W. $8.99

Because Trees Are So Boring

Fuckin trees, man. They just stand there. They don't say hello. They don't talk to me. They just ignore me. It's like, why can't they have a little personality? And not just during the day, but at night, too. I'd like to know they're there, watching me in the dark. Maybe if their eyes glowed or something. They have eyes, right?

Give your tree a little personality and add some character to your yard. This 4-pc. autumn tree face features glow-in-the-dark eyes that bring some delight to the night. Crafted of polyresin and hand painted. Mouth measures 9 1/2"W x 5 3/4"L.

How To Know When You're Life is Over

When Christmas rolls around and you think, "Oh my God! I almost forgot to change Al's clothes!"

And this is Al.

He may seem like just an ordinary guy, but with his 8-pc. wardrobe Al becomes a man for all seasons. At Christmas, dress this comical polyresin charmer in a Santa Hat and red scarf. At Easter he's a sensation in bunny ears and pink bow tie. Also comes with a headdress and vest for Thanksgiving, and an Uncle Sam shirt and hat for the 4th of July. Al stands 13"H. $14.99


This looks like:

A) Grandpa and Granpa snoozing in each other's arms?


B) Two drunken homeless elves on a subway bench the day after getting laid off from Santa's Workshop.

This heartwarming tribute to everlasting love, features Grandpa and Grandma snoozing in each other"s arms. Crafted of resin, it"s sculpted in fine detail and hand-painted. They wear real knit hats and sport polyester hair. Makes a great gift for that someone special. 8 3 /4"H x 7 1/2"W. 14.99

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Dinner Theatre

Quiz: How many uses will you get from this item before you throw it out?

A) 3
B) 59
C) are you kidding me? you expect me to buy that?
D) 0

Personally, I'd like to see how this holds up after a year of use.

Here are some of my favorite screen shots from their hilarious, two-minute infomercial, starring the ever plump and irritating Cathy Mitchell.

Well, of course cooking pasta is hard when you use a cheese grater and store your spaghetti in a strainer, honey!

Damn, that mufukin pasta is HOT! How did that happen?

This just proves how lazy Americans are when it comes to cooking. Even boiling water is just too much to handle.

Luuucyyy, you got some esplainin' to do...

Read the box! You have to STIR THE PASTA!

Are they kidding? No one EVER measures pasta servings, they'll just dump the whole box in and throw it in the microwave.

I refuse to buy from anyone who can't spell "knives."

Oh, look how cute. My first play knife!

Why are these so damn small?

You can watch the commercial here.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Shove the Game Up the...

This has to be the cheesiest, stupidest variant of Pin the Tail on the Donkey in game history.

Pin the Grin on the Pumpkin.


Halloween version of "Pin-the-tail on the donkey." Reusable coated-paper set includes a 24x30" poster featuring a grinning cat and a grin-less jack-o'-lantern plus 12 big smiles (each about 4 1/2 x 6 1/4") to attach with your removable tape.$4.98

All Wet

Ordinary shower caps too boring for you? Wish you could look more like a creepy character from some Charles Dickens novel?

Here you go.

Jazzy Shower Cap is the fun way to keep your hair dry. Stylish hair protector is covered in a mesh fabric with light-catching dots, and is accented with a luscious red flower. Underlying plastic cap has an elastic band for a comfortable fit. Wear it to relax in the tub, to shower or to enjoy a facial. One size fits all.

Why Not Just Put it in the Back Seat, Then?

Sometimes I wonder why the designers of certain products aren't brought up on charges. Like this stupid thing for example.

You know, there is a reason that your car's gauges are near the windshield and not down at your thigh. And if I have to tell you what that reason is, then you might as well buy one of these lovely gadgets and find out.

GPS Cup Holder Mount organizes any brand GPS in standard cup holder making it less of a target for thieves on windshield, better windshield vision, no messy wires (roll wires up in bottom of unit!) and no reaching over steering wheel to program. Keeps it out of baking sun and no more suction marks too! Polyurethane, 4 1/4 x 6".$19.98

Dim Bulb

Live in a minimalist cave or basement apartment with plenty of disposable income? Then you might be interested in this fancy-schmancy light fixture. Mount it on the wall and aim it wherever you like. It will project the image of light coming in through a window that you don't have! And all for $389.00!

Maybe it's just me, but if you can afford 400 bucks on a novelty light, then you can probably afford an apartment with windows.

An innovative light fixture that creates the illusion of natural sunlight, streaming in through a double window and onto your interior wall. As air currents pass through the projector, the branches of the projected tree appear to sway in a gentle, morning breeze. An ideal solution for small, urban spaces, and rooms that could use a "view". $389.00

Monday, October 13, 2008

Who Needs Diet and Exercise?

Jenny's friends could never figure out just how she stayed so slim - until they saw her bathroom. Then it became obvious that she simply spent all her time in the bathroom losing her appetite.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Retro Garbage: Hong Kong Rickshaw

Just one look at the title and you know this wouldn't fly in today's world. "Hong Kong Rickshaw" is way to politically incorrect for our wimpy society to get past, even though it's technically WHERE THEY COME FROM.

But let's assume they changed the name to Kiddie Kart, or something along those lines. Would it still pass? Read the description.

3 to 5 children? Not today's children. Today's high fructose, video game kids are fat as trucks. They would crush this thing in a matter of seconds. The poor thing wouldn't have a chance.

And then there would be lawsuits, claiming that the child pulling the rickshaw was victimized and traumatized by the other children and now needs round the clock psychiatric care and medication for Frivolous Claim-itis.

Retro Garbage: The Folding Grill

Here is a lovely item from the very first Harriet Carter Catalog, published in 1958. Apparently, they had stupid garbage back then as well.

This is a folding grill that is apparently so advanced that it can cook a whole steak in six minutes - using newspaper?

It really makes me wonder: How many people fell for this bullshit back then, only to abandon it at the camping site?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Probably No Sex, Either

Oh, look how fun! Here's a cutesy little sign aimed at idiots who grew up in the 80s and miss their "Lamborghini/Italian/Greek/My Little Pony Parking Only" sign, and now find themselves in a loveless, abusive marriage arranged by their strict parents.

Rules for marital bliss sign lays down the laws of late-night so you and your partner can both get some Z's. Seven commandments include No Drooling, No Snoring, and maybe the most common bedtime violation, No Blanket Hogging. Embossed aluminum with pre-drilled holes, 12 x 8". $12.98

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Locked Out Again, Grandma?

This easy key turner gives you all the leverage you need to snap the wrong key in the wrong lock!

Easy key turner lets you lock/unlock with minimal effort. Large ergonomic grip designed in consultation with occupational therapists. Ideal for people with arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome or other hand pain. $2.98

Bad Dog!

You know what would be fun?

Buying one of these and hiding it behind someone's couch.

Potty training rock quickly housebreaks your pet and teaches him or her to only use a specific area. Just place in the proper area, unique scent will draw your dog like a magnet. Stone, 7 x 4 x 1/2". $19.98

Monday, September 29, 2008

Was The Funeral Not Enough?

I hate any kind of stupid memory rocks or memory charms that do nothing but scream SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS STILL DEAD! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? day in and day out until you come to your senses and throw it in the garbage.

Does anybody buy these things?

Whoops! Spoke too soon. Here's an actual testimonial on the Taylor Gifts website.

Thoughtful sentiment stones offer inspiring words to bring hope and comfort. Cast stone, approximately 5"H x 6"W.

Maybe a Honda Civic Might Be Better

This is truly frightening. Don't you think you should have to learn how to park first before buying a massive Cadillac Escalade?

And if you have this much trouble going in a straight line (because this is for pulling into the garage), then I would HATE to see you on the highway.

Come to think of it, I would hate to see you at all.

Lighted Parking Ball Park right the first time, every time! Stop worrying about costly miscalculations when navigating and parking your car in a garage. Hangs from ceiling to guide you and gives off a dazzling red light display when your car window touches it to let you know you are parked correctly. Includes eye hook, eight foot line, and three replaceable batteries. Lasts 800 activations. 2 1/2".

Saturday, September 27, 2008

WhyBuy Garbage?

Here is a device that's not even worth the box it's shipped in. It's a baby crying analyzer aimed at lazy, stupid parents, it apparently "interprets the various reasons for why your baby cries and displays the answer on an easy to read LCD screen"


And it gets better. They have narrowed it down to five easy categories: Hungry, Bored, Annoyed, Tired and Stressed.

Can you guess which category I'm in right now? I'll give you a hint: it's not hungry, bored, tired or stressed.

I can just imagine how this would play out in reality. Or when the batteries die and the stupid parent realizes they have to think on their own to figure it out.

LORRAINE: Oh, dang it. Fetus is cryin again. Cletus, go check the baby cryin monitor.

CLETUS: It says Fetus is bored.

LORRAINE: Did ya throw a toy in the crib?


LORRAINE: And Fetus is still cryin?


LORRAINE: Well, that settles it. The baby's broken. Dang it.

The WhyCry baby crying analyzer interprets the various reasons for why your baby cries and displays the answer on an easy to read LCD screen. This device teaches new parents to distinguish the different types of cries of their baby. Reasons can be summarized into 5 categories: Hungry, Bored, Annoyed, Tired and Stressed. Baby Sound Monitor. Accessories Include 4 AA Batteries. 1 Channel 99.99

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Small Beige Dog Pissed All Over The Lazy Owner

Here's a great way to turn a dog into a cat. Walking dogs is for suckers! Now they can pee right in the house while you sit on your ass and watch TV.

While probably not the worst product I've ever seen, I would LOVE to be there when someone tries to empty two gallons of festering dog urine from it after leaving the dog alone in the apartment for a week.

This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high-rise dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid. 1" H x 30" W x 20" L. (6 1/2 lbs.) $149.95

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Don't Forget To Include Tape

In the wrong hands, this could be a disaster.

MINDY: Happy birthday, Maria. Here is a present for you.


MINDY: Yes, for you. Just a little thank you for all your hard work around here. That's American money, not pesos.

MARIA: Ay, caramba! I cang send to my country, jes?

MINDY: Why of course you can, dearie. You just have to figure out the puzzle.


MINDY: See, it's a puzzle dear. You have to figure out how to unlock it and get the 5 dollar bill out. It's like a pinata...

MARIA: Pinata?

MINDY: Yes, a pinata! (looks away, laughing along with the family)

Maria takes tosses the puzzle up in the air, then smashes it to bits with the nearby fireplace poker. The tattered bill floats down in the center of the room as the family gasps aloud.

MARIA: That'll teach you to be such a condescending bitch. I quit.

Cash puzzle is also a brain-teasing way to give money or checks as a gift, once the box is sealed the recipient must figure out how to get it open in order to spend the cash! You'll feel like a genius upon solving this tricky contraption. Wood, plastic, 8 x 4 1/4". $14.98

Never Drink Again - Guaranteed

Have a drinking problem? This nasty costume will sober you up faster than you can say "unattractive yet cocky (pun intended) European-esque model with bad hair and a fucked up lip."

Breathalyzer costume shows your concern for your friends' safety - sort of! This outrageous getup reminds partygoers that the only thing better than being the "Life of the Party" is being "Sotally tober." Polyester, one size fits all. $39.98

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Which Tool Will Slit My Wrist The Easiest?

Here is proof that we've taken the concept of all-in-one to its absolute peak. What the hell is going on with this thing? I can understand having multi-use tools, like a bottle opener with a corkscrew, but this has a freaking grill cleaner attached. No thank you. That's like using the hair catcher in your tub to strain pasta.

Even thought it's a hideous mess, I would LOVE to see this in action. You know someone's going to get stabbed.

Boasting generous skewer/fork, cutting blade, and grill cleaner, thisall-in-one BBQ tool is your one-and-only essential! Great for turning,gripping, flipping, and slicing, it features stainless steel construction andspring-loaded handle in cool-grip, non-slip vinyl. Dishwasher safe. 15 1/2"long. $14.99

Not Fair

Here is a rather bland and sad portable razor aimed at women, called (don't laugh) LadyFair. There was no money left in the budget for a little pink tint in the plastic, so you'll have to settle for "mental ward white."

Now look at the cutting head, how it's nothing more than a trimmer. The LadyFair. Shaves as close as a hedgeclipper.

This compact portable razor has features you would expect to find in a much more expensive unit! Dual blades provide a close, comfortable shave. Comes with a cleaning brush and protective cap. Uses 2 "AA" batteries (not included). $9.99

The Dim Light Hides the Bruises, Too!

This dumb piece of battery operated shit night coaster is supposed to help you get just enough light so that you can find your glasses in the dark, without worrying about your partner getting up and beating the shit out of you for turning on the light to go to the bathroom.

You know, if you're in that kind of hostile relationship where you need dumb gadgets like these to keep your partner happy, wouldn't you rather just keep the money for the divorce lawyer?

Nite Coaster. With the wave of a hand, shed just the right amount of light on hard to see items at night, including glasses, medication, cell phone, hearing aid and more. Shuts off automatically. Blue light makes items easy to find without disturbing others who may be sleeping. Features water resistant body, rubber no mar feet and night activation for energy preservation. Requires four AAA batteries, not included. $24.98

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Because They Don't Make Nightlights Anymore

What Do Mean, You Don't Eat No Meat?

Check out my first-ever guest post on lame water products over at The Lame Train.

Thanks, Slinky!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Thank You for Being a Friend - Sometimes

The marketers for this shoe claim that they're comfortable "for any season." I would avoid wearing these in summer.

BLANCHE: Dorothy! So nice of you to come! Ooh, you brought cheesecake! Why don't you come out back and I'll bring out the iced tea.

DOROTHY: Thank you, Blanche.

BLANCHE: Here we go. (sets iced tea down on table)

DOROTHY: Whew! It certainly is hot out here today!

BLANCHE: It's a real scorcher.

DOROTHY: Do you mind if I take off my shoes?

BLANCE: Mind? Why would I mind? Go ahead, honey. Take yours shoes off! Get comfortable.

DOROTHY: (grunts, sighs) Oh, that is much better. Whew. So, how have you been, Blanche? Blanche? Is something the matter, Blanche?

BLANCHE: Oh, nothing's wrong honey.

DOROTHY: You were looking at my feet. Now tell me, what's wrong?

BLANCHE: Well, to be honest, it just looks like you have a lot more liver spots on your feet than you should.

DOROTHY: What? (looks down) Oh! (laughs) These aren't liver spots. You see, I was wearing these new shoes last week, and they have little holes in them, so I must have gotten some kind of weird, patterned tan.

BLANCHE: You know, you don't have to cover. I understand. There's some liver spot ointment in the medicine cabinet. Obviously, I never use it, but you can take it.

DOROTHY: I'm not covering!

BLANCHE: Alright, you don't have to shout...whatever.

A comfortable shoe for any season! Double side stretch, all-over cut-out detailing, cushioned insole and non-skid outsole. 1/2" heel. Genuine leather. Imported. In whole and half sizes. $29.99

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

It Will Keep You Cool - Like a Corpse

What do you do when you have a ton of cheap, left over leather scraps at the Prada knockoff factory?

You stitch them into baseball hats, slap an eagle and American flag on the front, with the words God Bless America, call it a "Leather Military Cap" and aim them at the senior set. Bank on their undying patriotism and gullible purchasing habits.

Leather Military Cap. Proudly declare your patriotism with this jaunty leather cap. Baseball style cap is embroidered with a bald eagle bearing an American flag. Adjustable velcro strap on the back assures a perfect fit. $11.99

Did You Start Your Holiday Shopping Yet?

Friday, August 01, 2008

Sometimes It's Better to Blend In

Because customs agents are such a cheerful, fashionable bunch:

The Victoria's Secret Passport Cover.

I would imagine that this is not going to impress the burly man (or woman) checking your documents at customs. This is only going to piss off them off even more.

Here is what you think will happen when you buy this:

BRENDA, CUSTOMS AGENT: Passport, please.

IDIOT: Here you go (hands over passport in pink case).

BRENDA: Oh, my God. This is so cute. I can't! Hey, Jenny! Come over here! Look at this. (Jenny leaves her post, rushes over)

JENNY: (squeals) OH. My God! Where did you get that?

IDIOT: (flips hair over her shoulder) Victoria's Secret dot com! And it was only twelve dollars!


IDIOT: I know! You like?

BRENDA: I have to get this.

IDIOT: So...can I go through?

BRENDA: Oh, yeah. Just go through. Thanks, sweetie!

And here's what will really happen:

BOB: Passport, please.

IDIOT: Here you go.

BOB: Ma'am, what in the hell is that?

IDIOT: Um, my passport?

BOB: Ma'am, Federal Law does not permit passports to be covered in overpriced plastic cases. Please remove your passport from its case.

IDIOT: Oh. I'm sorry. (fumbles with case) Ooh, this is not so easy....I'm sorry. (pulls out passport) Here you go.

BOB: Okay, ma'am. You've been selected for random additional screening. Please go behind that curtain and remove your clothes.

Passport cover. Protects your ID in the poshest case possible. "Love Victoria's Secret" message inside. Exclusively for Victoria's Secret. Imported PVC. Leopard-print lining only in pink raspberry, red and silver. $12.

Got Cankles?

This has to be one of the UGLIEST shoes to ever grace a sweatshop. And the most confusing.

Is it for adults? Children? Horses? Women with deformed ankles? Good GOD. And the description had to have been cut and pasted from somewhere else. "Has seduction under its belt."

I don't know about seduction. Hay, maybe. And it looks cheap, too! Like it was found at bottom of the "rejected pile" at the Payless corporate office.

Not Rated. Buckle bootie. Has seduction under its belt. Imported polyurethane. 1 1/2" heel. $59.

Where's the Tip Slot?

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Very well done. I didn't know you were focusing your shoe design efforts on the tranny stripper market.

Jessica Simpson® Platform sandal. A crystal-clear fashion statement. Imported leather/Lucite®. 4 1/2" heel with platform. Orig. $89. Clearance $44.99.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The More You Know About Caftans

A warning to all women under the age of 60.

The following image is intended to trick you into thinking that caftans are somehow sexy by using a young impressionable girl to model this attrocious frock. CAFTANS ARE NOT SEXY. Don't be fooled by trick caftans.

Please pass this along to every woman you know. We must stop this epidemic in its tracks. If it saves one girl from growing up to look like Blanche from the Golden Girls then it's worth it.

Let this shimmering satin gown drape your body in its flowery folds. Nothing could be more comfortable for lounging around the house, or more glamorous for intimate at-home entertaining. Fashioned of polyester satin; machine wash. Imported. One size fits to size 28.$14.99

Good for Playing Cowboys and Indians, Though

Now, I'll admit that I don't know much about knife and sword collecting, but am pretty sure that collectors aren't falling all over themselves to buy "masterfully crafted"plastic tomahawks.

Collectable Tomahawk: Complete two-pc. set includes replica tomahawk and display stand. Masterfully crafted with a carved handle depicting mountains and wolves and a polyresin blade etched with sacred symbols and the totem of the wolf spirit. Display stand is sculpted and painted to look like natural wood and horn. Polyresin. Measures 6 1/2"H x 12 1/2"W x 4 1/8"D. Our exclusive design. $17.99

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Previously Unreleased: Twinkie Tuesdays 14: DipShit

Here is a previously unreleased Twinkie Tuesdays post for you. Thankfully there is no name attached to it, so there's little chance that some crackpot will post a nasty comment defending this shit.

Twinkie Dip

Items Needed:
2 or more Twinkies
1-3 tablespoons of chocolate milk mix
1 cup milk
1 handful mini marshmallows
1 scoop whipped cream

DIRECTIONS: Heat up milk and mix in desired amount of chocolate powder. Add marshmallows and let them melt a little, soaking up the chocolate drink. Finally, top with whipped cream. The "dip" is now ready. Slice Twinkies in half lengthwise. Dip Twinkies in chocolate. Be sure to let the sponge cake soak up the flavor.

This is fucking digusting. Yes, children, soak them. Soak the fucking Twinkie in there so that it breaks apart and sinks to the bottom of the glass. Then you can dip another in there because you lost the first one and now you're - 300 fucking pounds! Happy now?