Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Fake It Til You Make It


7-Piece Clock Set
Golden flecked frames contrast with a sleek mirrored clock and 6 side mirrors for this statement-making set. Clock is 13 1/2" w x 41 1/2" h x 1" d; mirrors are 9 1/2" sq. x 3/4" d. 7-Piece Clock Set uses 1 AA battery (not included). $129.00

You know, in looking at this, I get the feeling that it started out simple enough, until more people got involved.

Idiot 1: Hey, we got a good deal on these gold mirrors. Do you think they'll sell?

Idiot 2: I don't know. The big one's a little plain. I know! Let's make it a clock.

Idiot 1: But it's not square.

Idiot 2: So what, douchebag? It'll be cool, like art. The 80's are makin a big comeback. We'll have the guys drill some holes into em and voila! Instant art!

Idiot 1: Interesting...I think I get it now.

Idiot 3: Hey, guys. Whatcha doin?

Idiot 1: We just found a way to triple the price of these mirrors by makin' em clocks!

Idiot 3: Nice. But what are you gonna do with all these little mirrors?

Idiot 1: I dunno. Sell em separate?

Idiot 3: You guys are idiots. Put 6 in the box with the clock and bam! Instant clock set! The chicks will love it!

Idiot 1: Frickin awesome! Let's go get wasted!

Crystal Fright


You are not having deja vu. I previously posted the paisley version of these here. I can't make up my mind as to which is a worse waste of crystals.

Crystal Desk Accessories brighten up any office. All pieces are silver-tone plated brass (except mouse) and studded with clear Swarovski® crystals. Choose (shown top to bottom, left to right) stapler, tape dispenser, magnifier, letter opener, mouse, ruler, (not shown) card case, calculator, or pen cup. Imported.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Designer Dump


Toilet Tissue Dispenser looks like it was designed exclusively for your powder room! Styled to fit in with any decor, this space-saving holder stores three spare rolls below the one in use -there's no chance you'll run out! Powder-coated steel. 23" H x 8-1/2" D. $19.98

Yes, this looks incredibly custom. I know that if I were to have something custom made, it would be a black toilet paper roll holder (it's not a "dispenser" because you still have to go digging for it) to go with my white bathroom and pink toilet paper.

Catty Hilton


Cat Scratching Post gives your kitty the perfect place to sharpen its claws. Textured flax pad is just what your cat likes to sink its claws into. Rub with a little catnip (not incl.) and your feline (and you) will have hours of happy entertainment. Attaches to any wall or door with included hardware. Lightweight wood. 23" H. $7.98

Okay, maybe I'm being a little PeTA today, but isn't this just promoting cat-on-cat violence? I don't know, a cat shaped scratching post? Why not one shaped like a dog? Or Paris Hilton? I know, same difference. (note: I am in no way connected to PeTA. This is not a paid endorsement of any type)

Borderline


Border-Print Dress. Nothing's as cool and comfortable as this flattering dress! Styled in a lush floral print, it has a sweetheart neckline, 3-button yoke, flutter sleeves, inset pockets and gentle shirring for a flattering silhouette. Woven in machine wash-and-dry cotton/polyester. Imported. Available in sizes: SM(8-10), MED(12-14), LG(16-18), 1X(20W-22W), 2X(24W-26W) or 3X(28W-30W) $14.99 and up

All the shirring in the world isn't going to make this flattering in size 30W. This makes me want to run for the Canadian border and never look back. Barftacular.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Virtual Career


NEW! Type on the go with this laser-projected virtual keyboard! Keeping up with your work while traveling has never been easier, thanks to the Virtual Keyboard. Works on any flat, opaque surface -- just place the device and the keyboard appears with a detailed laser drawn display that looks and acts just like the real thing. Cable-free connection with Bluetooth compatible devices including Windows Mobile, Pocket PC and SmartPhone edition, Palm OS, Blackberry, Symbian and more. Runs on Windows 2000/XP or higher. Small enough for your pocket! $169.99

This might be considered "high tech", but I'd be a little embarrassed to whip this out at a serious business meeting. And I'd be even more embarrassed to admit that I paid $170.00 for it when I could get a folding keyboard instead.

Just Wait Until She Has Kids


Carry around the memories of the best day of your life along with a lot of other stuff! A roomy tote bag features space for plenty of your 4" x 6" wedding photos. 100% polyester for strength, with 20" handles. 13" x 3 1/2" x 13" high. 36736 $10.97

Nope, it doesn't get more pathetic than this. It just doesn't. Just you wait until she has kids. There will be bags like this, filled with photo albums. She'll probably have this and this, too. Makes you want to tie your tubes, doesn't it?

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As Seen On Ellen


Buxton® over shoulder organizer is the all-in-one over shoulder sling bag that holds it all! Features an abundance of spacious pockets and compartments for organizing personal items, travel gear, make-up, CDs, cell phone, mp3 player, and GPS navigation. Zippered pockets keep contents secure. Expandable center creates extra space. Ideal for summer travel. Leather, 7 x 4 1/4 x 8 1/2". $24.98

So, in other words, it's a "purse" for lesbians, who hate the word "purse"?

Shredded Cheese


Portable Paper Shredder destroys documents in 5 seconds! Papers that are "for your eyes only" are now illegible: cancelled checks, credit card receipts, bills. Hand-held, 10" x 2 3/4" x 1 1/2" plastic device shreds five, 4" wide sheets at once. Fits in a briefcase! Uses 4 AA batteries, not included. $19.99

As if it's not bad enough that it's battery powered, here's what I just love: look at the picture of the "confidential" check currently being shredded. If you turn the picture about 90 degrees to the right, you can clearly see that the account number is still visible. (click to enlarge) Just cheesy. A delight for identity thieves rummaging through the trash!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Teflon Job


Repair and recoat non-stick cookware. Cookware Spray gives pots and pans a new non-stick surface. It makes cookware smooth to cook on and easy to clean. Coats all metal and porcelain surfaces and works great on barbeque grills. 2 fl. oz. spray coats dozens of pans. $9.95

Wow! This gives me a great idea. I'm going to collect old, screwed up pans, recoat them with this special spray and resell them for a fat profit! Early retirement, here I come!

Just Plane Ugly


"Jet Set" Sandal. These bronze colored sandals with metallic studs and a crackled appearance conjure up images of goddesses in ancient Crete. Slip on sandal with open rounded toe and padded footbed. Ankle strap has adjustable buckle. Synthetic upper. 1" heel. $29.95

Jet set? They must be joking. Could they have chosen a more ironic name for such a frumpy, ugly shoe? It looks like it was involved in a fatal plane crash and pulled out of the smoldering rubble.

The Nose Knows


Dishwasher Alert® ends guessing! Self-sticks to dishwasher to avoid mixing clean and dirty dishes. Slide panel to CLEAN at end of wash cycle; DIRTY after emptying washer. Plastic is 4 x 1". $6.99

Bad Staging of the Month goes to this item. Either the props department is flat broke, or this product debuted in 1978.

In any event, this is a waste of money, because I have a foolproof way to tell if the dishes are dirty or clean without this. Look inside. Does it smell in there? Is the inside of the door covered in food stains or streaks? If the answer is yes, then the dishes are dirty.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Just Go For a Walk


Flex-a-Gym is the simple way to drop excess pounds and firm up your entire body without strenuous workouts! A few graceful, flowing movements can tighten and trim waist, hips, bust, thighs, buttocks and sagging underarms. Flex-A-Gym's adjustable, stretchy bands fit in a suitcase. $9.99

Let me quote: "A few graceful, flowing movements can tighten and trim waist, hips, bust, thighs, buttocks and sagging underarms." Maybe so, but not with this thing! It doesn't look too graceful or flowing to me, more like awkward, painful and clumsy. I think the only thing you'll end up with is a sore butt and more credit card debt. Just take a walk around the block. I can guarantee you won't look half as stupid as the woman modeling this relic from 1989.

Floral Derangement



WonderVase® hand-forms to any shape you choose. Did you ever wish you had a taller vase or a shorter one? Now you have both! Simply fold, twist, or turn to custom mold to your desired shape. No matter how long, short, thick or thin your flower stems are, WonderVase® works perfectly. Ideal for dried arrangements too. Simply add hot water, and shape WonderVase® as desired. Empty and re-fill with cold water to set the shape. When needed, add hot water again to flatten for storage. Made of strong, moldable polymer. Measures 11” tall and 6” wide. $7.95

You know, no matter how "creative" you think you are, this will always look like it's made of wax and left out in the sun. Just imagine taking this out in front of company. You'll never get flowers again.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Antiques Roadshow vs. ESPN


Storage ottoman brilliantly blends style and convenience. Single-draw design is perfect for storing reading glasses, books, remotes. Keeps them safely away from kids and pets. Use center shelf for magazines and collectibles. Classically styled hardwood with a plush tufted top and a rich walnut finish. $29.98

Just imagine! Inviting your friends over so they can see your priceless collection of thimbles, bells or small ceramic dogs!

Mary: Oh, Julia, you just have to see my latest collectible! Follow me just right through here.

Julia: I don't see anything. Where is it?

Mary: Bend down. (waves with arm)

Julia: Oh, my! That is beautiful! What's that smell?

Mary: (looks up) Honey? Can you take your feet off for a minute?

Brady: Damn it! I'm watchin the game! Get the hell out of here!

Feeling the Burn in Your Wallet


Red Exerciser slims and strengthens your entire body through a series of core exercises that target arms, shoulders, back and stomach. Add muscle, burn fat, relieve stress and increase energy in your home. Comfortable 16" seat with padded handlebars assembles and folds away in seconds. Includes instruction manual, fitness and nutrition guides, and workout DVD. Was: $179.98 Now: $99.98

Alright, boys and girls. it's time for another quiz! What's the most pathetic thing about the Red Exerciser?

a) The name

b) The woman modeling it

c) The fact that it comes with a workout DVD

d) That it's nothing but a glorified swivel chair

e) That it was originally $180.00

Monday, July 23, 2007

Faking It


Flameless Color-Changing Candle glows like real candlelight, but without the danger of an open flame! Flick a switch, and the LED bulb inside will gradually change from red to blue to green, yellow and more, or choose the “constant white” option. Wax candle is scented with lavender fragrance for an even more realistic touch! Switch turns candle off while in color mode, or blow out while set to “white” and it will go out automatically! Uses 3 AAA batteries (not incl.). 6" H x 3" diam. $11.98

Because nothing says romance like a fake, battery-powered "candle" that changes colors and goes off when you blow on it. I hope you're not faking other things, ladies! In case you'd like to see the animation, click here.

Baggage Claim


Over-The-Door Purse Rack organizes all your handbags, plus hats, scarves, belts and totes! Stretchable holder adjusts to fit any door height and fastens instantly at top and bottom of door without tools or drilling. Sixteen adjustable hooks accommodate all size bags and offer easy access and selection. Can also be wall-mounted with included hardware. Set of 2; each is 75" L. $9.98

Maybe it's just me, but I'd be afraid to know what kind of woman claims to own that many clashing styles of bags. Or how many different personalities she has.

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Wizard of Odd


Butter Wizard electronically controlled temperature butter dish heats or cools temperature of two sticks or a half pound of butter so it can be served the way you want it. Heat up for a delectably even spread or cool down so it stays fresh. Rests in charging base when not in use and transports easily. Maintains butter up to 10 days. Requires six batteries, included. Plastic $59.98

Let me save everyone 60 dollars.
For "soft" butter: remove from refrigerator.
For "firm" butter: put it back.

But what happens after 10 days with this thing? Anybody know? Does it grow legs? Does it liquify? Will it start to feed off the other condiments? Because I've had butter in my fridge for 10 months with no problem.

Lapdrop


Laptop carry strap adds a handle to laptop for instant, safe, secure transport. Seals shut with hook and loop closures. Includes pocket for ID, cell phone, PDA and more. Adjustable mesh, 14 x 3 1/2". $19.98

I'm sure that this is very strong for $20.00, and that there is no way you're going to accidentally drop it or slam it into a parking meter. And I'm also sure that, even though it's exposed to the world, it will never be violently snatched from you in the middle of the street.

I'd Rather Take it From Shaq


Light Relief® innovative pain relief unit contains an array of 59 colored and infrared light emitting LEDs. The LEDs provide a gentle stream of soothing energy to aid in the relaxation of muscles and temporary relief of minor muscular pains, joint pain and stiffness. Take it from TV star Robert Wagner! Comes with a carry case. Operates with batteries or power adapter. 7 1/2" x 5" x 2 1/4" $79.98

Obviously, this is marketed to the geriatric set still looking for reruns of Hart to Hart on TV. Let's see now: waste $80.00 on a glorified flashlight, or go to the drugstore and get an Icy Hot patch.

The Thing is Back


Pianist hand "plays" classic piano pieces from Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony," Joplin's "The Entertainer" and Chopin's "Minute Waltz." You'll be thoroughly entertained as the mechanical fingers move precisely as each note is played. Sound sensor activates the music. Just clap to begin - and give a big hand at the end! Requires 2 AA batteries (not included). $19.98

Apparently designed by an obsessed fan of the "Adams Family," this "thing," has to be the most useless piece of shit yet.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Faux Cone


Cool UpsTM create instant "cones"! Save your bowls and spoons for soup and cereal. Simply scoop up your favorite flavor and enjoy! Handy push-up stick helps you reach every last lick. Save money on trips to the local ice cream shop. Reusable plastic, 7 1/4 x 1 1/2". $6.98

Now, I'm pretty sure that I will never have kids of my own, but even I know that this is child abuse. Here is how I imagine the typical mother-son dynamic falling apart over this:

Son: Mommy?

Mother: Yes son.

Son: Can I have some ice cream?

Mother: Why, sure, son! (opens freezer, takes out ice cream. Takes out cool ups from kitchen cabinet)

Son watches, sighs under breath.

Mother: What's wrong, honey?

Son: Nothing.

Mother: Alright, then. Here you go, honey! (hands son faux cone)

Son: Mommy?

Mother: Yes?

Son: Why can't we have ice cream cones?

Mother: Because.

Son: Because why?

Mother: Because...they don't make them anymore...

Son: (throws faux cone at mother) You're not my mommy! You're a liar! I hate you!

The Other Dreamliner


Alarm Clock gets your day off to a flying start! Wake up to the roar of the plane’s engine and the spinning of the propeller blades as the alarm sounds and time appears in a super-bright “floating” display and again on the LCD screen. Has time/alarm function and on/off buttons. Includes decals to “personalize” plane. Uses 3 AA batteries (not incl.). 5-1/2" H. $21.98

I'm sure this is incredibly realistic for 22 dollars. Just imagine waking up to the roar of a plane's engine and then the letdown when you realize you're home and not on a first-class transatlantic flight to Europe. Look out Boeing, the other Dreamliner is here.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Lip Loss


Chamomile is the secret ingredient that European women have used for centuries to help reduce puffiness around the eyes. Gently apply the eye stick before going to bed. The chamomile and other moisturizing emollients will work throughout the night, so you’ll wake looking more refreshed. For best results, use every night. $4.98

Wouldn't you just love to see what happens when someone confuses this for her lip gloss and ends up with lips the size of match sticks? I'd pay to see that.

Buzz Kill


Hibiscus Beverage Insulator. Tropical Shirts Turn Picnics into Fun-Loving Luaus! Slip a Hawaiian shirt over a bottle or can and easily distinguish whose drink is whose! Insulated foam with polyester overlay keeps hands dry. Fits standard bottles and cans. Washable. $3.99

Because nothing is manlier than standing around with a beer can that's dressed up like a floral print Hawaiian shirt. Great for biker bars and tailgate parties too!

Hampered By Design


Classic Laundry Hamper Your Grandmother Owned is Back in full-service size! Dirty clothes deserve to be kept out of sight, not overflowing from baskets. Attractive bin holds delicate lingerie to dungarees. On wash day, just lift the cushioned lid and send clothes straight to the washer. Durable PVC is 19 1/2" x 10 3/4" x 21". $49.99

So, they're trying to use nostalgia to sell something that never really went away in the first place. The problem with these (and I know, because I had one) was that everyone just simply sat on the lid to cram all the dirty laundry into it. The wicker sides eventually tore apart, and you had to throw it out. These didn't go away, people just got sick of them.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Little Lead Corvette


This tip comes from Neil Russell via email. Now, while I have yet to see the commercial for this on TV, I'm just as shell shocked after seeing it online. Unfortunately, after perusing the entire one-page website, I can't make up my mind when trying to decide: What's the stupidest thing about the craptastic Corvette Dollar?

a) That it is officially licensed by GM for their 100th anniversary?

b) That it is apparently legal tender in the Republic of Palau?

c) That it lights up?

d) That you are limited to 5 per order (as if you'd want more)?

e) That it's offered up as a collectible?

f) That it's not considered a toy, even though it's designed like one?

g) That the coin is as thick as the toy money you played with as a kid and looks like it's made of polished lead?

Apparently GM is seriously hard up for cash if they allowed this to happen. What's next? Telethons? Sally Struthers pleading us to buy Saturns?

Find the website and watch the tacky video for this craptastic waste of metal here.
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Saving Face


Broken Dentures? Fix your own at home! Dentures are a costly investment, but repairs don't need to be. Now you can make minor repairs quickly and easily at home-no waiting for an appointment. Repair Kit has materials for 12 repairs: 12 professional replacement teeth, adhesives, professional tools and step-by-step instructions. A safeguard for travel! $19.99

You may think you're saving face by doing this yourself, but just you wait until you end up face-to-face with the dentist.

Dentist: Alright, Mrs. McFixit, open wide.

McFixit: Aaahhh.

Dentist: (sticks mirror in mouth, looks around) Hmm. Wait a minute... What the hell happened in here? Oh my God! Were you chewing on roofing nails or something? Did your husband hit you again? You tell me!

McFixit: Mmp mmpmmfft ifft.

Dentist: (pulls mirror out of mouth) What?

McFixit: I said, I fixed them myself.

Dentist: You what?

McFixit: I fixed them myself. Only $19.99. Such a deal! And not hard at all. Just like those Lee press on nails? Do you remember them? Oh, of course not. You're a man. Hee. Hee.

Dentist: Get the hell out of my chair.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Because Spanking Is Wrong


Levels of Discovery Time Out Mini Rocker: 24 inches H (10 inch seat height). A smaller version of our Time Out Rocker... Everyone needs a little time out now and then! Includes special message for the child: Time out to think about the things you do, but always remember, I love you! Complete with actual timer you can set for up to 15 minutes. Even time out becomes fun with this chair! Each chair includes a special under stamp beneath the seat so that the customer can personalize with the child's name, the name of the gift-giver and the special occasion for which the chair was given. Each chair includes a photo greeting card so that child can say Thank You in a memorable way! $59.95

This has to be some kind of joke, or gag gift. There is just no other explanation. There is also nothing about this that makes me say, "Well, they've got a point there." Because this is so pointless.

I can't believe I'm going to start a sentence like this: When I was a kid, there was no "time out". It was "Run, daddy's gettin out the belt!" or my mother's famous "sneak attacks" where she'd slap you in the face for something you did an hour ago. Isn't the whole point of "time-out" to make the kid suffer? They should have to stand in the corner, not sit in a pretty painted rocking chair customized with their name on the bottom.

What I'm really confused about is the whole "gift" aspect of this. Special occasion? Talk about mixed signals! Who's going to give this as a gift? And why? And how many pills will your child need to be convinced that this is so "fun" that they need to give a thank you card for being punished? Is this some subtle masochism tool?

Shockingly, there are no reviews of this item at Amazon.com. Thanks to Moda di Magno for this.

Guess How Much: Office Politics Edition


Ever wonder how much your company paid for that cheesy performance award they just gave to your coworker?
Guess How Much!
A) $19.99
B) $265
C) $500
D) $ 1,000
E) Over $1,000

Yes, really. From the website: Navy Mini Star"Celebrating Excellence" Give this attractive star award to the top performers on your team! This award offers an affordable and flexible solution great for spontaneous, everyday recognition. Comes with a solid brass medallion. (Note the three other hideous colors available below.)


More Than Meets The Eye


Styled in a rich shade of golden bronze, lavished in swirling embroidery, this suit will carry you through every moment with the confidence of knowing you look your best. Exquisite, quilted jacquard jacket is shaped to perfection, with a feminine portrait collar and removable jeweled brooch. Sleeveless dress has front bust darts, back zip and back walking pleat (39" in length for size 10). Cotton/polyester; dry clean. Made in USA and imported. $79.00

Could this collar be any larger? I guess it could double as body armor for when you're fighting off a Decepticon attack. And note that the brooch is removable, which I hadn't even noticed.

Good Luck Pawning This Baby


14K Gold Family Ring is a reminder of those we love. Genuine birthstones. Personalize up to 5 birthstones/names (up to 7 letters each). Sizes 5–10, including half sizes. Choose yellow or white Gold. $375.00

Probably hands-down the fugliest ring I have ever seen in my life. It looks like something you'd get in a box of cereal, or at a vending machine in the supermarket for 25 cents.

As a rule, you should never have "family-themed" jewelry engraved. Because, when hubby is caught cheating on the wife with the secretary, and the kids OD on meth, this will become worthless at the pawn shop. As if it wasn't kinda worthless to begin with.

Crystal Gayle, Eat Your Heart Out


Get longer, thicker, bouncier hair with Hair Plus! Clinically proven to increase hair growth up to 123% in just 28 days! European-made, specially formulated shampoo and conditioner stimulate growth while giving hair a healthier, more lustrous look. Rich in Keratin, soy proteins, Vitamin B6 and emollients, the shampoo and conditioner when used together strengthen and protect hair, plus increase growth, gloss, texture. 8-1/2 oz. ea. $38.50

Really? You mean that if I use this for 28 days, my hair will be longer? And I'm not allowed to cut it either, you say? Okay then. Here goes nothing. Sure hope it "works."

I thought this before and after picture was a little strange, but it's nothing compared to this. The horror.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Not So Cute Anymore, Are They?


This standard checkbook's front cover contains 3 clear pockets for displaying 3 of your favorite photos. You'll see your loved ones each time you use it. Standard check and register pockets inside. Smooth black vinyl. 6 3/4" wide x 3 1/2" high folded. $4.99

So, whether you're cutting a check for braces, private school tuition, their high-end sneakers, cell phone, iPod, or some random property damage, you'll always be reminded of who's to blame.

Not For Use in New York City


Breakfast Sandwich Maker is the answer for hectic mornings! Why spend money on a fast-food breakfast when you can use your microwave to create yummy breakfast sandwiches at home? Easy-to-use helper cooks 2 eggs and breakfast meats simultaneously, in the time it takes for you to toast the muffin! Foods slide out with ease; ridged meat grill drains fat away. Dishwasher safe. 9" x 8" x 2-1/4". $9.98

I wonder how long this really takes. I mean, with prep time and all. Let's give this a trial run, shall we?
  • Open kitchen cabinet, search for Breakfast Sandwich Maker (BSM)

  • Pop top off BSM

  • Go to refrigerator, take out eggs and bacon

  • Open carton of eggs, take out two

  • Crack open eggs, dump contents into BSM

  • Attempt to pick white egg shell bits out of white compartment with finger

  • Dump eggshells into trash

  • Wash hands (raw eggs, salmonela)

  • Open packet of bacon, pry two or three slices out

  • Place bacon slices in BSM bacon tray

  • Wash hands (raw meat, salmonela)

  • Cover BSM

  • Go back to refrigerator, put bacon and eggs away

  • Retrieve English muffins

  • Pull one out

  • Use fork to split in two

  • Insert into toaster

  • Simultaneously nuke BSM and toast English muffin

  • Watch fuse blow

  • Curse, liberally

  • Go to fusebox or call Super

  • Dump BSM into trash

  • Arrive 25 minutes late for work

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

They Had Botox Back Then?


Wowwee Alive Elvis Animatronic Robot
"Alive™ Elvis®" animatronic robot moves, talks and sings just like "The King" in his "'68 Comeback Special"! $299.95

How bizarre, pointless and stupid is this? He looks like he's got a face full of botox, especially when you compare it to a real picture of him. The best part, as you might imagine with something like this, is the product manual. Last time, I highlighted my favorite parts. This time, it's all just as amusing. Read on.

Taking Care of Elvis
• WARNING: When picking up Elvis, always support him using both hands from beneath his base. Do not hold him by the hair only. The hair is not designed to support the overall weight of the Elvis unit.
• Do not pull on Elvis’ eyebrows, side burns or hair on the head.
• Do not put your fingers inside Elvis’ mouth as this could obstruct normal mechanical operation and damage the motor system. In addition his teeth could inflict some damage to fingers when he is animated.
• Use only a cloth lightly dampened with water to clean the surface of Elvis. Avoid using cleaning products, soap or chemicals.
• Do not groom or treat Elvis’ hair, such as using hair products (hairsprays, shampoos, or gels) . If necessary, use a cloth lightly dampened with water to help style the hair if it moves out of place. Be careful when using water or other liquids on or near electrical devices.
• Do not use a hair dryer on the hair as the heat will damage the hair fibers.
• Never expose Elvis to extreme heat or cold, nor to direct sunlight and moisture.
• Do not hold his head and/or neck during operation or allow his head to bang into objects or walls as this could do damage to various internal mechanisms.
• WARNING: Avoid storing Elvis in overhead storage to prevent any accidental falls.
• Do not rub eye area or any of colored areas as this might remove the painted features.
• Use only an electrical adaptor that conforms to the required specifications with the Elvis unit.
• Retain this instruction manual for future reference.
• Should Elvis perform an unexpected function, please switch him OFF and then ON again to reset him.

From the Sharper Image. Where else? Click here to see it. Click on "product manual" below the picture to see the entire manual, as well as pictures that bear a striking resemblance to k.d. lang.

These Boots Were Made For Burning


Leather and vinyl color kit restores, revitalizes and recolors. Permanently eliminate stains, marks and paint on furniture, handbags, coats, shoes, briefcases and more. Easy to use, just apply and let dry! Repairs approximately 25 average-sized stains. Includes seven intermixable colors, color mixing guide, spatula, applicator and mixing cup. $14.98

Do people actually do this? Is there any vinyl item on the planet that is worth the hassle of such "restoration" work? And what color are those HIDEOUS cowboy boots really supposed to be? Just throw them out.

Because Real Birds Are Annoying


Song bird clock fills the room with cheerful chirping. Hear the delightful melodies of 12 different popular songbirds at the top of each hour. Beautifully adorned with a polished-brash finish and corresponding pictures of each bird, including a Blue Jay, an American Robin and a Northern Cardinal. Light sensor automatically reduces the volume at night. Precise quartz movement, two AA batteries (included). $49.98

I wonder what time it will be when the clock just belches out a loud CHIRP! as shown in the picture.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Oscar Whiner


Enjoy the convenience and taste of a perfectly cooked hot dog. Turn franks automatically with the Automatic Hot Dog Grill Roller. Deliver the rich, full flavor of grill-top franks without under-done or over-done areas to spoil that delicious, juicy taste and all without the hassle of tedious hand turning. $35.99

But, how long will the batteries last? Does it come with backup batteries in case they run out mid-cycle? Does it come with a backup generator? What will happen if I run out of batteries? How will I cook my hot dogs without this? Will I be forced into horrific, tedious, manual labor?

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

Basket Case


Joey O Satin ribbon wedge sandal. Pretty on the promenade with colorful woven ribbons and T-strap. Imported polyester. 4" platform wedge $140. Clearance $79.99

As pretty as you could look while wearing a pair of Easter baskets on your feet.

Friday, July 06, 2007

It's a Good Way to Hide Them, Though


Mobile underbed shoe trolley gets your shoes out of the way quickly and easily. As convenient as going to your closet. Holds up to twelve pairs. Metal, 39 x 21 x 3". $19.98

Bad Staging of the Week goes to this item. Just look at those ghastly shoes. (click to enlarge) My God. They totally distract from what is obviously a shoddy tin rack that will collapse after about a week or so.

Party Pooper Scooper


Cooler Scoop keeps hands from getting cold and wet when you go for that ice cold beverage. Prevents dirt and germ ridden hands from contaminating the ice in your cooler. Self-draining scoop also eliminates water from getting on floor. Features built-in bottle opener. Plastic, 20". $14.98

I would pay big money to see the neurotic who brings these to a tailgate party and tries to enforce the "no hands" rule. I would pay even more money for the person who videotapes the ensuing beat-down.

Glow In The Barf


Frog solar light glows when the sun goes down. Enhance your yard or patio (and make your neighbors green with envy!) with this alluring amphibian. He turns on automatically in the dark and turns off in the morning. No wiring needed. Requires one AA rechargeable (included). Polyresin, 8 1/2 x 6 x 3 1/4". $29.98

Does it come with bolts so that your envious neighbors can't steal it? I mean, the street value for this thing must be through the roof.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Tea Time


Motorcycle Wall Clock roars down the pike with authentic sounds every hour on the hour! Detailed replica of a real, mean, racing machine is a conversation piece and one cool way to keep time. Quartz accurate timepiece has easy-to-read numbers, sweep second hand, and built-in hang hook. Uses 2 AA batteries (not incl.). 9" x 8" x 4-1/2" D. $19.98

Detailed replica? Really? This looks like a frickin tricycle from Toys R Us. And it's about as mean as a newborn baby. But I digress.

Here's the conversation they're probably hoping it will inspire:

Janet: So nice of you to come over for some tea and crumpets, Princess Madison. Won't you have a seat?

Madison: Oh, 'tis my pleasure. Why thank you so much!

Janet: Would you like some tea?

Madison: I would love some. Do you have any chamomile?

Janet: Why yes. (pours tea in dainty cup)

Madison: (looks around) I must say, your mansion is surely delightful! Much better than my old Central Park West abode.

Janet: Oh, thank you. We just had it decorated!

Madison: Oh, MY LORD!

Janet: What's wrong, Princess Madison? What is it?

Madison: There's a mean, hideous motorcycle headed right for us! Get down! (grabs Janet's arm, they both fall to the floor. Precious tea set breaks into precious pieces)

Janet: Oh, you silly fool. That's not a real motorcycle. Just a replica clock from Harriet Carter!

Madison: Oh my, I feel so foolish. Do you have any vodka?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Because Flip Flops Alone Aren't Bad Enough?


“Sandal” Slippers keep you and your feet smiling! Soft, warm and light as a feather, these “flip-flops” are made for comfort. And who wouldn’t love having these perfectly manicured “toes” putting your best feet forward? In two sizes: Medium (fit women’s shoe sizes 5-7); Large (fit women’s shoe sizes 8-10). Washable plush. Imported. $12.98

If there's one thing I hate more than flip flops, it's slippers made to look like you're wearing flip flops and have some kind of horrible foot condition to boot. These are beyond hideous.

What, No iPod Jack?


As you read this description, keep in mind that this is for a toaster. A frickin toaster.

Our New Deluxe Digital Countdown Toaster Calls You When The Toast Is Done! But That's Not All It Can Do... We have put a man on the moon, but we still don't know when the toast will be done. Now there's no more guesswork with the Digital Countdown Toaster. This new 4-slice toaster features a visible digital countdown LED timer that indicates when the toast is ready with an audible ring, so you can grab it while it's hot!

A bagel function toasts the cut side of the bagel and warms the outer crust and the "Set & Forget" slide control assures that your bagel, waffles, French toast and more, and then toast it to perfection! When your phone or doorbell rings, simply push the cancel button and it will stop mid-cycle and wait for you!

An electronic sensor ensures consistent browning results, time after time, and a safety "anti-jam," feature automatically shuts off the power. Has easy-touch control buttons and removable crumb tray for easy cleaning. This is quite simply the finest toaster ever invented. You'll want one of these - so will your friends. $129.95

Could this be any more overdone? Who the hell needs this kind of information from their toaster? I'm shocked that they didn't have the nerve to call it the iToaster.

Other Toast Posts:

Monday, July 02, 2007

1-800-L-A-W-S-U-I-T


Stay Warm While You Linger Near The Fire. For hundreds of years the Indians of Mexico have used the chimenea for warmth and baking. Our version is individually handcrafted and kiln-fired with palm and fern designs etched by hand. It is easily portable in the trunk of a car for use at the beach, on a picnic or in your own backyard. $99.95 (plus $50.00 additional shipping)

Let's see: open flame + nosey, possibly retarded children - grille or warning = multimillion dollar lawsuit. (note the kids in summer clothes sitting next to this for warmth)

Why Not Just Carry Them Everywhere?


KEEP YOUR CHLD SAFE WHILE LEARNING TO WALK, & COMFORTABLE IN THE CAR!Our unique new Walk-O-Long is great for a toddler's first steps, or to keep a 4 or 5-year-old safe while exploring the great outdoors. Simply wrap it around your child's chest and under the arms, and secure the safety buckle in back. Made of super strong flat nylon webbing used by firefighters with built-in comfy handles to fit every adult grip. Cleans easily. Select pink or blue color. $59.95

My first impression was that this was some sort of device for handicapped children, but now I realize it's for handicapped adults. More crap aimed at the next generation of crybabies who will need hospitalization for a paper cut.