Friday, June 29, 2007

And You Wonder Why Your Family Is So Fat


The amazing Automatic Marshmallow Toaster. Perfectly toasted marshmallows & Smores are only a push-button away with this 3-prong hand-held rotisserie.It features three revolving prongs to evenly cook three marshmallows at once. So there is no more tedious waiting and watching while others snack one-by-one. A perfect treat for campfires, outdoor grills and indoor fireplaces. $17.99

Oh, please. Tedious waiting? For a fricking marshmallow? Half the fun is blowing them out when they catch fire anyway. Who cares if they're not "evenly" cooked? L-O-S-E-R-S. Finally, something new for the Lazy Hall of Fame.

Easy Off


Zip-Front Caftan.This feminine floral caftan feels as soft as silk and looks so elegant! It's perfect for lounging or entertaining at home with a figure-flattering flowing style, accented with gentle shirring in front. It features beautiful trapunto stitching on the V-neckline and sleeves, an easy zip front and handy side-seam pocket. Made of easy-care, machine-washable polyester. Imported. $19.99

Oh, and I can just imagine what kind of entertaining you might be doing in this hideous number, with that easy zip front.

Revenge of the Sun


Sun-Off Hats. Now you can protect the back of your neck as well as your face from the sun's burning rays with this comfortable, poly/cotton twill hat. It features an extra-long visor in front and a unique neck flap in back for maximum protection. Machine washable. Made in the USA. Great for city or country. $9.99

Well, thank God for these! Because nothing is more embarrassing than being called a redneck. And there's just no way to get suntan lotion on the back of your neck.

Here's my theory. Because we humans keep coming up with stupid contraptions like this, we have angered the Sun Gods, which explains why it keeps getting hotter and hotter with each passing day.

So yes, it's all our fault.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Brenda Dygraf: Full of Hot Air


Brenda Dygraf's Air ClimberTM sheds pounds and tones your entire body in as little as 20 minutes a day! It's air power actually lifts your legs to help your workout. Effective, low-impact stepping exercise burns up to 1000 calories an hour without adding strain on your joints. Combines cardio, body toning and ab programs. Resistance bands help tighten your stomach and upper body. *Extra $10 shipping $119.98

After Googling "Air Climber," I came across a few reviews. Here is what I have learned:

1) It will deflate after about 20 minutes of use.

2) It is just as big a piece of shit as I thought it was.

3) The "customer service" number is long distance. Probably India.

4) You'll need to pony up $20 to ship it back after it breaks.

5) Even if arrives in one piece, it will be missing the DVD, the cords, and owner's manual.

6) Brenda Dygraf is an evil bitch and a con artist.

7) The "positive" reviews are obviously faked.

8) There are a lot more suckers out there at need my help.

Crystal Mess


Paisley desk accessories are made of metal and shine with hand-applied Swarovski® crystals in purple, pink, blue, green, and yellow.

Tape dispenser - $170
Stapler - $140
Mouse - $130

Because you're just not tacky enough without these beauties on your desk. I'd imagine that the gaudy pen cup and pen (apparently sold out) are $120 and $100, respectively. Oh, how I'd love to be a fly on the wall when these start shedding their crystals all over the place on the first use.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Crunch Time


A pendulum clock for $11.98? Enjoy the timeless beauty and sophistication of a swinging pendulum clock without breaking the bank. It's classically constructed with a realistic-looking cherry-wood finish, elegant brass electro-plated pendulum and golden accents. A truly striking showpiece for any living room or den. Plastic, 6 x 2 x 10". $11.98

I wish I had a car. This would be the first thing I ran over just for fun. Hell, there's always a city bus. Whoops! Crunch, crunch, crunch...

Does It Come In A Sheet Set?


Smoker's bib. Stop fumbled lit cigarettes and dropped lit ashes from burning holes in senior's clothing. Flame retardent apron stretches across chairs armrest to prevent hot cigarette end from falling onto clothing or be- tween you and the chair. Light-weight, machine-washable fabric meets NFPA 701 flame retardent requirements. 30 x 34". $39.98

This is dumb for a few reasons. First, no senior will wear this, unless heavily drugged or beaten. Second, if you can't handle a cigarette without starting a raging inferno, you shouldn't be smoking in the first place! So now might be a great time to quit.

You're Better Off Topless


So comfy soft & colorful for spring! Featuring rows of fun floral embroidery & slimming pintucks! Cute picot trims the neckline too. Cotton-rich polyester blend is easiest machine wash & dry. Dyed to perfectly match our lively Calcutta Cloth Slacks! Order now — before they're all gone! Imported 2 for 29.99

Why is this woman giggling?

1. She can't wait to tell her friends about the hideous shirt she had to model.

2. She's drunk.

3. The polyester blend is tickling her nipples.

Sapphic Circle


Circle of Strength. A celebration of sisterhood, friendship, family and the bonds that strengthen us. An endearing gift or token of appreciation. Each original sculpture expresses how the power of love draws together friends and family in good times and bad, and makes us stronger with a loving source of support. Sculpture stands over 8" tall. Handcrafted in the USA. $59.00

Maybe I'm being a little anal tonight, but how is this a circle? Because I want to know. Are the three faceless people arranged in a circle? No, they are not. They're not even all holding hands, for shit's sake. At most, they are in a semi-circle, getting ready to line dance, or have a freaky three-way.

Handyman Special


Charging Caddy powers your personal gadgets. Recharge cell phones, PDAs, MP3 players and games via a surge-protected power strip concealed inside. Cords stay hidden; clutter stashes away in drawers and compartments. $149.00

Wow, this is the biggest waste of money I've seen in a while. 150 bucks for a power strip hidden inside a glorified jewelry box? If you're even slightly handy, you can probably make this yourself for under 20.

Mama No Quiero


Sunset Beach Ankle Wrap by Belle Marie® Celebrate the season in style with these exquisite jewel-toned slide sandals. A removable fabric ankle wrap turns up the heat with swirling shades of summer. Waves of color cascade across the wooden footbed. 4" wedge-style heel features a center cut-out. Synthetic upper. $39.95

If I Love Lucy were filmed today, Lucy would be wearing these when she lipsynched Mama Yo Quiero to Ricky. Proof that all these are good for are a laugh.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Because Hearing Aids Are Embarrassing


Listen Up™ sound amplifier turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing! Now you can hear TV programs loud and clear with the volume on low, so you don’t disturb others. Powerful amplifier lets you enjoy movies, church, meetings, sporting events and more. Smaller than a credit card so it fits easily into pocket or purse. Comes with ear bud headphones, built-in belt clip, on/off switch, volume control. Uses 1 AAA battery (incl.). $14.98 2 for $28.50

A few questions for the people at Harriet Carter:

1. Why are the heads cut off of these people?

2. Is it necessary to hold the Listen Up™ sound amplifier in the air for the duration of its use? And will that prolonged position give me a fatal blood clot?

3. Does sitting there with a smug look on my face help the Listen Up™ sound amplifier work more effectively?

Just asking. Get back to me when you can. No rush.

Razor Sharp Lawyers


This one is a little long, but I guarantee it's worth it. (Or your money back)

Pocket Mod Vapor Electric Scooter by Razor

Inspired by the classic design of an Italian scooter.
Travels as fast as 15 mph and as far as 10 miles on a single 8-hour charge (40-minute run time). Cast aluminum wheels with 12-inch pneumatic tires for secure, steady ride; wide, comfortably padded seat flips up to reveal storage compartment.
Nonskid textured foot deck; easy twist grip speed throttle control; hand-lever rear brake; retractable double kickstand.
To charge battery pack, plug into standard outlet.
Maximum weight limit is 175 lbs.
$289.95

Okay, if it sounds like a glorified toy, you're almost exactly right. Don't you just love how you have to let the POS charge for a full 8 hours just to get 40 minutes play time out of it?

But here is the best part: Take a look at what I found straight out of the owner's manual. I have highlighted my favorite parts.

Always check and obey any local laws or regulations which may affect the locations where the Pocket Mod may be used on public property. The Pocket Mod is meant to be used only in controlled environments free of potential traffic hazards and not on public streets or sidewalks. Do not ride your Pocket Mod in any areas where pedestrian or vehicle traffic is present.

Ride defensively. Watch out for potential obstacles that could catch your wheel or force you to swerve suddenly or lose control. Be careful to avoid pedestrians, skaters, skateboards, scooters, bikes, children or animals who may enter your path, and respect the rights and property of others.

Do not attempt or do stunts or tricks on your Pocket Mod. The Pocket Mod is
not made to withstand abuse from misuse such as jumping, curb grinding or
any other type of stunts.


Maintain a hold on the handlebars at all times.

Never carry passengers or allow more than one person at a time to ride the Pocket Mod.

Never use near steps or swimming pools.

Keep your fingers and other body parts away from the drive chain, steering system, wheels and all other moving components.

Never use headphones or a cell phone when riding.

Never hitch a ride with another vehicle.

Do not ride the Pocket Mod in wet weather and never immerse the Pocket Mod in water, as the electrical and drive components could be damaged by water or create other possibly unsafe conditions.

The Pocket Mod is intended for use on solid, flat, clean and dry surfaces such as pavement or level ground without loose debris such as rocks or gravel. Wet, slick or uneven and rough surfaces may impair traction and contribute to possible accidents. Do not drive the Pocket Mod in mud, ice, puddles or water. Avoid excessive speeds that can be associated with downhill rides. Never risk damaging surfaces such as carpet or flooring by use of a Pocket Mod indoors.

Do not ride at night or when visibility is impaired.

In summary: Buy a bike, get some exercise and do whatever the hell you want with it.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Black and Blue Bruce


"BE NICE OR LEAVE" SIGN Retro in feel and style, this rustic "old" sign by Bruce Jope was inspired by vintage metal road signs. And the message is a good one. Approx. 14" W x 30" H. $59.00

For when restraining orders aren't enough. Sounds to me like Bruce has had more than his share of abusive lovers, no? Imagine the beating he'll get after his crazed, bitter ex-wife/girlfriend/business partner walking in to see this as he cowers behind his desk crapping his pants.

Silent Night, Solar Light

I regret not clicking on this thing sooner, because, to my delight, it's animated! (click here to see stupid animation)

Color-changing Solar light absorbs sunlight by day to produce a kaleidoscope of color after dark. Needs no wires or extension cords, so you can place along a path, at an entryway, or anywhere you want. Turns on automatically at night but also has on/off switch. Bulb color changes gradually from red to green to blue for quite a light show! 16-3/4" H with ground stake. $9.98 2 for $18.50

Oh, yes, it's quite the light show alright. I'm sure these will come in handy, if, say, you go broke after buying these and can no longer afford to decorate for the holidays.

"Kenny, go bring up the Christmas solar lights from underneath the trailer."

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Something's "Fishy"


Fishing Frog hasn’t a care in the world as he reels in the big one! He sits on a tree stump surrounded by “toad”stools and leafy greens, hoping you’ll share his “ribbit”-ing good fun all year long. Place wind chime in your garden, pond or doorway and each time breezes blow, the “fishy” chimes will ring! Durable poly/resin. 9" H. $14.98

Really? Not a care in the world? Well, if I were froggy, I'd better be concerned as to why I just caught a dead, partially- eaten fish.

And "could" they "use" any more "quotation" marks in this stupid "description"?

Hard Carbs


“Miracle” Bags restore moistness to hard breads! Don’t throw out half-used loaves of Italian bread or French baguettes that have gotten on the dry, hard side. Simply moisten the interior of these lined canvas bags, pop bread or rolls inside and microwave for a few seconds. You’ll think you just brought contents back from the bakery! Set of 2 bags: 27-1/2" x 7-1/2", 18" x 10-3/4". $7.98

Mmm, reconstituted steamed bread. Think of all the money you'll save by shaking down bakeries and supermarkets for their day-old bread. No more full-priced bread for you! I wonder if it works with donuts, too.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Maybe She Lost It On Purpose


Cinderella's lost shoe is found here in sparkling gold-trimmed spun glass. 4" x 1 3/4" x 3" high. 31439 $6.97

I'm getting this. And I'm going to smash it with a hammer. Who wants to watch?

Cupid's Gaudy Garbage


Two radiant spun-glass hearts are pierced by Cupid's gold-tipped arrow as a purple orchid blooms symbolically in the shadow of this new love. Mirror base. 3" x 2" x 2 5/8" high. $2.97

This lovely creation has inspired me to add yet another category to my long list: Gaudy Garbage.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

As Seen on HGTV


Outdoor curtains create scenic views inside! Add depth and color to any room with four majestic designs. Beautifully replaces regular, drab curtains and brings to your home all the wonder of an outdoor view both you and guests alike can admire. Use with standard window or sliding glass doors. Polycotton, 72 x 84". $29.95

Trying to sell your house but can't? Are potential buyers put off by the views of the back of the Chinese restaurant or that pesky landfill? Well, for less than the price of a gallon of paint, you can stage your home like a pro and get it sold fast! No one will ever know your little secret. (Just be sure to keep it up until after the closing)

Horse Shit


Remarkable Bucking Bronco figurine is sure to conjure up visions of the untamed West. Light brown/tan/white hand painted porcelain cowboy and bronco. Handcrafted. 26"T x 20"W x 22"D. Made in USA.

Let's play Fun with Decimals! Does this "remarkable, handcrafted" porcelain figurine cost:

a) $2.00?

b) $20.00?

c) $20,000.00?

d) $2,000.00?

The answer is C. I kid you not.

No More Men, Either


Razorblade Necklace. No more flowers. No more chocolate. No more diamonds. This solid cast, sterling silver razorblade with heart cutout will say it all. Edge is not sharp, nice and smooth for your safety. 16.5" sterling chain. Made in Brooklyn. Price $110.00

Alright, kids, what does the dainty razorblade necklace say about the woman who wears it?

a) She is a cutter

b) She is going to cut you

c) "She" is a "he" (hence the shaving reference)

d) Her last boyfriend is bleeding to death in a ditch

e) She just got out of prison

Now The Whole World Can See You Naked


World shower curtain allows you to dream (or plan!) of exotic travel to far away lands while showering. Terrific educational accessory for the kid's bathroom as well. Colorful eye-catcher on heavy gauge vinyl. $24.98

Yes, it's an eye catcher all right, and now, I'd like to poke my eyes out with a dull spoon. I'm shocked that they didn't claim it's a great conversation piece, too.

Really? Plan trips to far away lands? Well, you're not going anywhere if you keep wasting money on shit like this. Want to learn about the world? It's called an atlas. Go get one. You can even keep it by the toilet if you like.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Kaboom! Right In the Kissah!


Knock-out stress in the home or office with this professional-style desktop speed bag. Installs in seconds; its large, super-strong suction cup base adheres to any smooth surface such as a desk, table or wall. High-quality steel spring provides perfect recoil to each punch. Includes inflation pump and needle. $19.99

I think they missed the boat on this one. Wouldn't it be so much more fun if there were a little vinyl photo pouch on the front of it? You could insert a picture (or even a crude drawing) of your coworker/ex-wife/mean boss/idiot neighbor and have a field day.

Real Crocodiles Don't Cost This Much


Crocodile De Cartier Pen. Limited edition of 888 individually numbered pieces. Gold plated, peridot, citrin, 18-carat gold rhodium-plated nib.

Okay, what's the scariest thing about this pen?
a) The amount of gold-plate wasted
b) The $4,000 price
c) The design
d) That it exists at all
e) That there are at least 888 people out there with this kind of money to spend...on a single pen...they'll never use.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Final Exit


All over print with barbwire. Careful,don't cut yourself; 100% cotton. $28.00

Really? Don't cut yourself? Sorry, I just slit my wrist after looking at this stupid ass shirt. And then I threw up in my mouth until I passed out. (Mental note: never ever blog after drinking.)

Stars and Gripes


Star-Spangled Resin Stone. Use broad stripes and bright stars to add a patriotic touch to your home with this light- weight gray resin stone with painted, raised American flag design. Display in front of your house, in your garden, or memorialize a veteran. Perfect for national holidays or any time you want to show your patriotic spirit. 9 3/4x3 3/4x6 3/4"H. $9.98

Just imagine the brainstorming session that gave birth to this:

Idiot #1: Guys, how can we make people more patriotic this season?
Idiot #2: You mean beyond flying a flag outside their homes?
Idiot #1: Yes, idiot. We need to drive it home.
Idiot #2: Hmm, well, maybe...I dunno...we could put on on a rock?
Idiot #1: A real rock?
Idiot #2: I don't know. That could be a pain with shipping. Maybe a plastic rock?
Idiot #1: Brilliant! Get Lillian Vernon on the phone right now!

Stompy


Clocky! Introducing the alarm clock that runs away and hides when you don't wake up! Clocky gives you one chance to get up like a normal person. But if you try to cheat and stay in bed (you know who you are!), Clocky will jump off of your nightstand, alarm sounding, and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide. Fully adjustable: set it to snooze once before running away, or even not to run away at all. Clocky is genius! $49.99

7:15 Bzzzzzz! (slams clock)

7:20 (slams clock, clock rolls off, buzzing)

7:21 Damn it! Where is that thing? (looks under bed) Really, little Clocky? You're going to run from me? (bolts out of bed) Where the hell do you think you're going? (Clock rolls under bed) Get the hell back here! (bed lifts, crashes down) You know you can't hide from me! This is a god damned Manhattan studio! (Clocky cowers, cornered in kitchen) (soft parental voice) Oh, There you are, Clocky. Let me thank you for waking me up. (three sharp kicks, Clocky shattered and destroyed)

7:23 Back to bed.
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Guess How Much: Jewelry Edition 2


Any time something makes me gasp, I know it's just perfect (for me to ridicule).

With that out of the way, I ask you, Guess How Much?

A) $29.95?
B) $4,500?
C) $680.00?
or
D) $19.99?
(The answer is A - only $29.95! You can all relax now)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Guess How Much: Art Edition Follow Up


I know that a lot of you have been losing sleep over this one. Well, you can finally get that much needed rest tonight, as I am finally going to reveal the answer! You can all stop calling, faxing, and emailing now.

To recap:

Is this giraffe:
a) $19.99?
b) $59.99?
c) $9,000.00?
or
d) $320.00?

Click here to see the original post and the answer!


Sunday, June 10, 2007

Goes Great with Beer Goggles!


LOOK THINNER, BE COMFORTABLE ALL YEAR LONG Relax in the splendor of this regal border print caftan. Features special slim design, full sweep zip front styling, V-neckline and wide ragian sleeves, making this fashion import caftan the most comfortable and figure flattening caftan you've ever worn. Made of machine wash and dry polyester for easy care. $29.99

Is it just me, or does this look like a Budweiser can viewed through a kaleidoscope? (P.S. - "ragian" is not my typo. It's theirs) And, oh yeah, this is not flattering, it's hideously disfiguring, and I'll bet it's flammable, too. Available all the way up to size 26.

What, No Stretch Wristband?


To really understand this one, you have to read the description.

An astonishing home theater system that fits on your wrist! Imagine what it would be like if you could view your favorite full-length film while in the comfort of your office chair, riding on the train, waiting at the doctor's office, or even while waiting in line at the coffee shop! Just like the name suggest, The Home Theater Watch is designed to give you the experience of a home theater with the functionality of a watch. With 2GB of built-in storage, you will be able to store a full-length feature film on your watch. In addition to being a video viewer, the Home Theater Watch plays MP3 and WMA audio files, and allows you to view JPEG images. The screen is a stunningly LARGE 1.2 inches and features a brilliant 260K color display capability. Connecting the Home Theater Watch to your PC is a simple as connecting any USB device. Included is a software package that the format required for the Home Theater Watch. Order today to put yourself in whole new world of entertainment. $149.95

Wow. This gets the Golden Rubberband Award for excellence in s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g it.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

21 Years Bad Luck


Over Door Tri-Fold Mirror view any angle with this nifty three piece mirror that opens up and adjusts for a 360 degree view or folds flat for storage. Simply hooks over door. Metal and mirror, 43 x 42 x 1/4". $119.98

Now, while this isn't necessarily stupid, ugly or a waste of money, it strikes me as an accident waiting to happen.

Husband (calling from other side of door): Are you ready yet?

Wife: Just a few minutes, okay?

10 minutes later...

Husband: What about now?

Wife: Just a few minutes.

10 minutes later...

Husband: Honey, are you-

Wife: Will you just shut the hell up already!

Husband: Bitch! What did you say to me?!

(door flings open, mirror shatters)

Wife: AAAAAAHHHH! OH MY GOD! I'm bleeding!

Husband: So, are you gonna be much longer...?

Yep, definately I watch too much South Park.

When Animal Prints Go Bad


Slip on a new trim body! Fashion import is made from high-tech nylon/spandex material that shapes & contours your body beyond your wildest dreams! Built in power net shelf bra for extra comfort and support. The Dream Products' Amazing 'Trimsuit' works in several amazing ways...with the comfort and freedom you could only dream of: Trims your tummy, slims your waist, draws in sides, smoothes out curves, and re-contours your buttocks. Available in black, royal blue or burgundy. $9.97

Just what every woman has been dreaming about: a suffocating corset swimsuit that will make her look like a bloated zebra. I wonder how "amazing" this is in size 24.

CanalStreet.com


GO ANYWHERE IN STYLE Beautifully detailed to resemble those remarkable handbags that only the rich and famous can afford. These handsome fashion import designer inspired bags are made of durable man-made materials for beautiful good looks and durability. The perfect accessory for any outfit...any occasion. Brown fashion print measures 12"L x 8"H x 3 1/2"W. White fashion print measures 9 1/2"L x 9"H x 3"W. Designer Inspired Handbags $16.97

Quiz time! This is a hideous knock off of which designer?
A) Michael Kors?
B) Prada?
C) Luis Vuitton?
D) Chanel?

Fiber Optic Fourth


4th of July Fiber Optic Hat. One quick push of the hidden button inside sets off the fireworks on this hat as red fiber optic lights flash brightly. Embroidered design on blue hat with painted stars on the red brim. Adjustable back. 65% polyester, 35% cotton. Uses button cell battery (included). Imported. $19.99

I just knew it was only a matter of time before I found some 4th of July item that wasn't made in the USA. And I can imagine there are a few people out there who will flat-out refuse to buy this because of that, instead of the obvious vomit factor. That's enough for me.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Guess How Much: Art Edition


From the website: "Glimpse a majestic depiction of nature in this Male Giraffe figurine."

Is this giraffe:

a) $19.99?
b) $59.99?
c) $9,000.00?
or
d) $320.00?


Hurry! The clock is ticking!
The answer is C. Apologies to anyone currently spitting out their coffee.

TeddyBear Honey Dispenser Sold Separately


PENGUIN TEABOY. Tea too strong? Too weak? Problem solved. Our nattily attired tea penguin always brews the perfect cup. Set the timer for your ideal brew time (from 1 minute up to 20) and he lowers the teabag into the water. When the time is up, he lifts it out. Couldn't be simpler or more fun. 3" diameter, 8" tall. $29.95

Hey, tea lover! Are you a finicky, persnickety fuck? Does everything have to be just so? Are you unable to adapt to anything? Do you get upset over nothing? Then this is for you, you little crybaby. Enjoy!

And, does anyone know what the hell penguins have to do with tea?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Why?


Ring Watch. Now you can wear your watch on your finger! This fashionable ring with up-to-the-minute styling features an easy-to-read, built-in digital watch with a precision quartz movement and a flexible, gold-tone band that stretches to fit perfectly. Great for men or women. $2.99

Tired of people asking you for the time? Slip this baby on that middle finger and next time someone asks, you can flip 'em off and not feel guilty, because, after all, they asked for it.

Where's an Iceberg When You Need One?


Crystal chandelier in the shape of a ship, perfect for that home on Cape Cod. Dark metal frame. Made in the USA. Professional installation recommended. $2,999 (Horchow)

Good God. Look at this tacky thing. Don't you wish it would just plow right into an iceberg? Makes a great pinanta, though.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Just Stick to Hot Tea


Stir and chill beverages at once with ice spoons made in your freezer! Simply fill the plastic mold to freeze water, juice, tea, lemonade, or coffee-and enjoy cool, delicious sipping with no extra utensils to clean. Dishwasher-safe mold freezes two 8 1/2" long spoon shapes.

This is retarded. Re-read the description. "no extra utensils to clean. Dishwasher-safe..." That's like wearing your underwear two days in a row, but having to wash it twice because it's got two days' worth of funk in them.

And just imagine your excited hostess trying to get you to use these. And you're thinking, "I hope her hands have been sterilized," as she uses her ragged fingernails to pry them out of the tray.

"Honey, look, lemmie just give you one of these ice-spoons for your drink!"

"No, really, I don't need any ice..."

Plunk!

"Ain't that cute? Enjoy!"

But Is It Fire Retardant?


Firecrackers T Shirts. Celebrating the little firecrackers that truly spark the heart, our T shirt announces Grandma's, Grandpa's, Mom's, or Dad's personal favorites. 50% cotton/50% polyester; machine wash. White. Specify up to 12 names; limit 12 characters per name. Names will be printed left to right. Made in USA. Express shipping not available. $19.99

Note the lack of a right sleeve on this hideous and tacky shirt. Bad staging? Or a subtle warning to stay away from illegal fireworks and stick to wimpy sparklers? I think that if you're caught wearing this, you should get burned by at least one stray firework as punishment.

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Mine Would Say "The Gas Is On The Right, Jackass!"


Express yourself on the road! This sleek license plate frame has a built-in scrolling message display. Simply enter up to five personalized messages (up to 120 characters each), then use the wireless remote to select one as you drive. Super-bright LEDs ensure your message is seen day or night. You can tell everyone on the freeway you're a huge sports fan, advertise your business, or tell the cutie behind you that you're single. Change your message as often as you change your mood. Black $59.95 Silver $69.95

How many pile-ups do you think this will cause?

A) 5

B) 24

C) 39

D) enough to lower the population of New York City by half.

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Friday, June 01, 2007

Garbage In The Flesh


Do not adjust your screens. This is not a repeat. I don't do that. Remember this thing? Of course you do. If not, go here. I'll wait until you get back.

Back? Good. I actually saw one of these while on vacation. It was installed in one of the back rooms of an antique store. The thing is even cheaper looking in person, only moves when someone walks near it, and makes a horrible whirring sound as it moves. I was tempted to tell the owner, "You're not fooling anyone. And now, I'm taking this lamp as punishment."

What's the Number for Gadgets Anonymous?


Jackpot liquor dispenser. Everyone's a winner with this slot-machine drink dispenser! Put your glass in place, pull the lever and enjoy your prize! Fill with your favorite beverage in a hole beneath the shot glass on top. Easy to clean. Tarnish-resistant chrome plate finish looks great in game room or bar. $39.98

My eyes. This is truly disgusting. I guess it's good if you're only serving, say, whiskey. A great gift for someone who has both a gambling and drinking problem.

A Fresh Pot of Decaf

Redesigned, with you in mind! (But it's still all about me.)
DECAF IS A SIN