Saturday, March 31, 2007

Puttin' Out The Ritz


Sparkly 24% lead crystal tray turns ordinary crackers into fancy party fare-lining them up in one neat and tidy row! Makes stylish serving easy. Hand wash. 11 1/2" long x 3 1/4" wide x 1 3/4" high. $16.99

Notice the convenient rounded bottom--perfect for serving Ritz crackers and nothing else. Unless that's the only type of cracker you ever buy, you're shit out of luck with this thing.

Wife: Did you pick up the crackers for the party tonight, honey?

Husband: Yeah, they’re right there on the counter.

Wife: (picks up package, purses lips) Honey, I specifically asked for Ritz crackers...these are SQUARE!!! They’re not going to fit into our cracker tray! What the hell is wrong with you? (hurls package at wall) Can't you do anything right? I want a divorce!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Piece of Xit


New accessory for the stylish, intelligent traveler. Introducing the XUBAZ Functional Neckwear. The XUBAZ is a scarf-like accessory with four pockets and patented straps--called Xues--to clip the XUBAZ to your waistband. This revolutionary new and simple product can be worn instead of, or with a jacket, a bag, or a wallet. Simplify your life while adding style to your wardrobe.

I'm guessing it's pronounced "shoo-baz" or something equally pretentious and retarded. Here's an idea: GET A JACKET WITH POCKETS! And airport security will still make you take that stupid thing off to get on the plane.

And as you can see, it's available in two colors: Hospital Gown Blue for the ladies and Traffic Cone Orange for the guys. Neckwear? Leave it to Skymall to try to create a new clothing category--and fail miserably.

I Guess "Time Flies" Was Already Taken

Those copywriters at Skymall sure know how to have fun! Not. This is the actual home page for their site, featuring...clocks? And that stupid plastic airplane, of course. Can you imagine the lame-ass brainstorming session that gave birth to this?

Pillow Talk


Here are some of the suggested uses for the ugly SkyRest:
Prop up your feet on the plane.
Put it in the window and lean against it.
It can serve as a replacement for a standard bed pillow in your hotel room.
Stuck at the airport? Find a seat, prop your feet up, hunker down and take a nap.
$29.95, from Skymall.

Here's what they don't tell you:

That man will be snoring away for hours, oblivious.
He will be drooling, too.
He will miss all meals and beverages, waking up cranky and bitchy right before landing.
When the valve is popped off and it deflates "in a matter of seconds," the plane will have to be diverted to the nearest airport because of the ensuing chaos.

Minnie Ouch


Always know what's behind your vehicle! Keep your kids and pets safe from accidents and injury with this backup camera system. Easy-to-mount compact camera plugs into the light bulb socket on your license plate and delivers a wide-angle horizontal and vertical view of everything behind you. Adjustable camera angle means you'll see it all in crisp, vivid detail on the 2.5" VFT color display monitor mounted either on a dashboard pedestal (included) or your visor. $149.99

And, as you can see by the photo, you will never have to crane your neck in a contorted, painfull position, as Ms. Minnie Driver is doing here. (skymall)

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Better Leave This In Vegas, Too


LasVegas.com baseball cap is perfect for shielding your eyes from the bright Las Vegas sunshine. That is, if you care to emerge during the day. One size fits all. 100% cotton. Washed medium-blue denim cap with stitched logo detail. $10.95 (skymall.com)

Because nothing says "tacky tourist" like a denim cap with a URL on it. Fugly. Just Fugly. But, they did get me to type lasvegas.com into my browser to see if it was some kind of inside joke. Nope, just a horrible tourist trap website. Could there be a TimesSquare.com version on the way?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Always Read The Owner's Manual


In the valley of the nighttime barbequer, the man with the LED Grill Light is king! Portable, clamp-on, super-bright 4-LED Grill Light provides ideal illumination for nighttime grilling. Position the bendable neck so the high-intensity beam shines exactly where needed.
Energy-efficient LED bulbs never need replacing. Stainless steel head and big clip resist weathering. $49.95

I disagree. The man who can cook without this stupid gadget is king. The man who needs this is a total wimp, but I digress.

I was wondering if this was some kind of potential fire hazard, so I clicked "Product Manual" and found this: Do not position the Outdoor Grill Light above fire or any cooking surface.

From Sharper Image, where else?

Only In America


Statue of Liberty solar light. Show your patriotism and welcome visitors to your home with this striking replication of Lady Liberty. America's most enduring symbol of freedom stands nearly four feet tall and holds a solar-powered torch that casts light on lawns and walkways. Poly-resin, 11 1/2 x 11 1/2 x 42". $149.98

This brings out the poet in me:

Give me your tacky, and more,
Your useless gadgets yearning to break free,
The gimmicky refuse of your online store.
Send this hideous, trailer-park lawn art to me,
I lift my match beside the neighbor’s door!

Alien Poledancers Are HOT!


Here's a new game. Guess The Target Market!

Is it:

A) preschoolers
B) housewives
C) gay men
or
D) horny blowhards with tons of money

$95 "Private Dancer" at Jac Zagoory Designs (look under desk art, then motion pens)

It Shall Scratch Your Wallet Out


(read with clenched-jaw, country club accent) "This original creation is rhodium-plated sterling silver, with green spinel eyes and an onyx muzzle. Limited edition of 1914 pieces. Sold with a crystal stand. $3750.00"

Probably made in Taiwan by children and costs $14.99 to produce. And what would a pretentious pen by Cartier be without a pretentious name? It's called the Panthere. Feel free to vomit into your keyboard.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Don't Forget The Pre-nup!


"Top off the big celebration with these hilarious his-and-hers hats. Ideal attire for the honeymoon, this pair of crazy cotton caps makes a great shower gift. The groom's hat sports a real metal chain and plastic ball. The bride's hat is adorably adorned in white roses, plastic pearls and green leaf accents and features a flowing veil in back. $9.99

Perfect for white trash weddings! Oblivious Bride and Bitter Groom hats get those divorce wheels spinning early!

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

This Would Never Sell In New York City


The StressEraser™ is an award-winning, hand-held biofeedback medical device designed to calm your mind and relax your body in just 15 minutes. The StressEraser focuses your mind and guides your breathing to synchronize with a calming BreathWave™ pattern. After just two weeks of 15-minute nighttime sessions, expect to feel consistently calmer, more patient as well as more energetic during the day. Reach for The StressEraser at anytime, day or night, when you want to feel less stressed. $299.99

Or, you could:

A) Have angry sex with your wife/husband/secretary/boss

B) Get wasted at the bar/office/a friend's apartment

C) Punch a wall/door/customer/stranger

Guess How Much: Office Supplies


Without giving anything away, here's another installment of "Guess How Much?"
Is this pretty red fountain pen:

A) $2.99?
B) $26.98?
C) $210.00?
D) $5,800.00?

Update: the answer is D. Yes, really.
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Yoke's On You!


Magic Slim Jeans. The "V" yoke trims your figure! You'll notice it as soon as you slip them on: the feminine shape, slimming V-yoke in front, & comfy fit. Featuring all-around stretch waistband & 2 deep pockets. Pure cotton denim's not only soft from the very first wearing, it's easy wash & wear. Order Now!Imported 2 for $24.99

So, naturally, my first instinct is to see how many sizes this thing comes in. I doubt the magical V yoke is going to do much in size 42.

Muted


Jumbo Universal Remote replaces up to 8 separate controls! The endless searching for the “right” remote is over with this hard-to-miss device. Extra-large display pads make changing channels and programming your TV, VCR, DVD, satellite and cable systems easy again! Unit is compatible with most major brands. Includes instructions. Uses 2 AA batteries (not incl.). 11" H. $14.98

So, get rid of 8 remotes and replace them with one that is the size of a coffee table? I see that the point is the make it easier for the elderly to see the buttons, but this thing is so heavy, that they'll end up throwing their backs out just trying to put on 60 Minutes! I guess it could come in handy when company comes over and there's nothing to talk about.

Cindy: So...you bought a laptop?

Martha: No, that's the remote. Would you like some tea?

(awkward pause)

Cindy: I have to go. I think my house is on fire.

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little


Slip into this leopard caftan and relax in style. It’s as pretty as it is comfortable, with flowing lines to flatter every figure. Satiny caftan with beautifully finished neckline is so versatile that you can wear it for a candlelit dinner, morning coffee or as a beach cover-up. Full cut garment fits a wide array of sizes from S-XXL. Machine-washable polyester. $17.98

(click to enlarge-I dare you) And I was wondering what happened to the costumes from The Golden Girls. This would be from the "Blanche" collection.

Imagine this caftan in size XXL, sitting next to you at your favorite restaurant, or sprawled out on the chair next to you at the beach.

That poor model. I'm guessing this is the last thing she ever modeled before she hung herself.

Magically Hideous


Magic Eyelash Scarf Set. The secret's the tubular construction! And with its amazing S-T-R-E-T-C-H, transforms from a poncho... to hood... to asymmetrical shawl... & of course a snuggly scarf. Enclosed diagram gives 11 ways to wear it! Always returns to its original shape too! Includes matching one-size fits all gloves. Scarf is soft acrylic; gloves are nylon/polyster. Imported; hand wash, dry flat. $12.99

What I want to know is: how many women are strangling themselves trying to figure out the 11 different ways to wear this itchy acrylic piece of shit?
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Touching My Finger to the Back of My Throat


"Add a "Touch of Elegance" to any room in your home! Wild rose design victorian style lamp with glass shade gives a timeless look to yoru (sic) living room, bedroom, or any room in your home. There's even a handy quartz-accurate clock with sweep second hand built right into the porcelain base. Is saves you room & is easy to see. 14" high lamp has brass finished accents, includes a 3-way bulb. Order more than one — makes a wonderful gift! Imported $17.99"

Here are my observations:

1) These lamps were hideous in the 1980's, when my sister had one, and even worse now

2) It will add a touch of horror, not elegance

3) They probably haven't worked out the bug that makes these go on and off by themselves

4) It's missing an integrated answering machine and iPod dock. That would make it perfect.

Watch Out, Tinkerbell...


Grace your garden with fairies! Beautifully sculpted pair looks like they’re enjoying the flowers that surround them. Whether you place them in a flowerbed, near potted plants or on a window sill, their tranquil look will please all who see them. Made of sandstone with metal wings. Each is approx. 6" H. $14.98

Enjoying the flowers that surround them? These two look bored out of their frickin minds. It's only a matter of time before they're caught robbing a convenience store.

Too Lifelike For Me


Mushroom Faces Set. These are some mighty funny funghi! Create a fanciful garden display with a trio of magical mushroom faces that spread cheer wherever they’re “planted”. They’ll add a bit of woodland whimsy to a garden bed, at the base of a tree or along a leafy trail. Durable poly/resin. Approximately 5" H. $14.98

Actually, for me, the only thing funny about these is that the one on the right looks like a woman I know. Other than that, these are garbage.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Worst Case Scenario: Spills and Such


(I just posted this in my office kitchen.)

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SPILL COFFEE ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR

1. Do not panic. Coffee is not acidic, nor will it bite you.
2. Back away from the spill. It is slippery. Warn others in the immediate area.
3. Reach for something absorbent. Paper towels are the best.
4. Tear off one sheet (two sheets for a larger spill).
5. Place or drop paper towels over spill. If you have limited mobility, you can use your foot to move it around. Use the wall or counter for balance.
6. When the paper towel becomes wet, the spill has been contained.
7. Pick up the paper towel.
8. Place paper towel in the trash can. Those are the tall plastic boxes in the corner.
9. Congratulations! You just saved yourself and your coworkers from potential injury!

Thank you,
Director of Sanitation, Safety, and Memos.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Automatic Money Bleeder


Money jar actually counts cash! Now you can know exactly how much change is in the jar. Bank automatically calculates new total each time you add more change. Great for teaching kids to add and save money. Batteries not included. Plastic, 4¼ x 4¼ x 6¼". $19.98

So, waste money on batteries because you are too lazy (or too stupid) to count your pocket change? Hint: learn to count (it's easy), put your change in a cup, bowl, or bucket, and get a life! And why do you need to know how much money is in there at a glance? Are you keeping your entire life savings in there? Love the bullshit graphic that tries to personify this thing. Yet another excuse for Americans to be fat and lazy.

Who's To Blame? Entertainment Edition


Drink butler is a fun way to serve beverages condiments and hors d'oeuvres. Place a drink or snack on the sophisticated, white-gloved palm, aim towards your guest and let it roll! Stops automatically at a table or counter edge. Requires two C batteries (not included).

Hey, kids! Let's play a new game. It's called "Who's To Blame?"

Did this stupid gadget come from:

A) Harrietcarter.com?

B) SkyMall.com?

C) Taylorgifts.com?

D) or Macys.com?

The polls are now open! Vote now! (Hint: This costs $19.98)
To see the answer, click here. No peeking!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Love NY


No matter where you hunt or enjoy the outdoors, there’s no better way to blend in to your surroundings than by wearing Realtree or Advantage®. Now 3 patterns are available as Wet Okole Hawaii® waterproof neoprene seat covers.


Not shown, NYC Surroundz® seat covers, with exclusive Skyscaper, Rabid Taxi, or Pothole patterns!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Just Stick To Coffee, Okay?


Electric Egg Cooker. Take the guesswork out of boiling or poaching eggs with this space-age-shaped countertop cooker. Cooks four hard or soft-boiled eggs, or poaches three eggs at once, alerting you when they’re done. Easy-to-set switch. Measuring cup and egg piercer included. 6"D x 5"H. $34.95

This makes me want to slap someone. Doesn't anyone want to learn how to do anything anymore? "Takes the guesswork out of boiling eggs." Ever hear of "practice" or "trial and error"? If you can't boil a frickin egg, then what does that say about you? Comes from Gevalia, of all places. Click here to laugh at them.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Generation Gap


Keep curious little fingers away from hot pots and open flames on your stovetop. Stove Guard puts a barrier between your child's fingers and stovetop hazards! Heat-resistant polycarbonate plastic shield adjusts to fit stoves 24" to 36" wide, and attaches with the special adhesive tape and clips included. Easily removed when no longer needed. Mounts on front or top of stove.

Talk about your generation gap. When I was a kid, my mom didn't need this, because she would just say, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU SON OF A BIIIIITTCH!"

I'm still afraid of the stove.

More Everything, Please.


Loosen Snug Pants, Skirts or Shorts. Expand your waistband to breathe easier. The Waist Bandit is ideal for when your weight fluctuates. Band attaches to your waistband in one of five positions. To be worn underneath a long shirt or sweater. Includes 1 band w/metal clip & 1 band w/ button and 1 fabric panel. $12.95

If your weight fluctuates that much, it's probably time for gastric bypass surgery, or a wired jaw.

Pretty Polyester Poolboy


For when his style needs to complement yours. This handsome 5-button men's suit has a boxed profile jacket and pleated pant (38" inseam with unfinished hem). Polyester crepe; dry clean. Imported. Choose black suit or chocolate suit (not shown). $149

I've had two button, three button, even one button suits, but FIVE buttons? "For when his style needs to complement yours." Translation: if you dress him up, no one will ever know that he's really your "poolboy."

Maybe Payless Isn't So Bad After All


"Lugano" Shoe by Stacy Adams
Sleek "blazes" of contrasting color jazz up the lizard printed upper in genuine leather. The effect mixes a vintage profile with a hint of sexiness. Leather sole. Synthetic balance. Choose chestnut, natural or black. $89.95

P.S. The hideous matching belts are $29.95

Correction: The shoes in this collection are named incorrectly. The correct name is "Lugie." We regret any inconvenience.

Barf Bag


From Midnight Velvet.com

Artful, painted patches mix with woven and "puckered" metallics for this unique bag. Single compartment has zip, patch and wall pockets. Synthetic. 16 1/2" l x 8 1/2" h. $49.95

Other uses:
a) Sober you right up after too many drinks
b) "Scare" the flu right out of you
c) Use to induce vomiting in drug overdose victims

It Came From the 80's

"Skylark" Lace Trim Hat! Covered in turquoise shimmer jacquard, the hat is flirtation at its finest, with an asymmetrical "dip" profile. One size fits most for hat. $99.00

Or, you could:
a) get your hair done
b) shave your head
c) move out of the south

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Garbage, Garbage, On The Wall...


Five-piece wall mirror adds depth and dimension The center mirror (10 1/2" D) serves as a focal point and draws attention to the ornate floral pattern on the frame. Five piece set (each has hook) can be expanded to your space and taste. Wrought iron, 40 3/4 x 1/2 x 40 3/4". $149.98

To call this a "wall mirror" is really pushing it, in my opinion. It should be "Gaudy, overwrought piece of shit with tiny, reflective center."

A Great Way To Fend Off A Mugger, Though


Five-prong grip takes hold in-stantly to provide sure-footed security on ice, snow and when walking on any uneven surfaces. Helps you keep a steady balance with its super strong-arm grip. Metal prongs flip up to easily use your cane indoors without having to detach the cane grip. A smart precaution for your safety! CLEARANCE $2.99

And, unless you're fast enough to snatch the cane out of grandpa's hand when he comes into your home, you can count on some nice, deep gouges in your newly installed wood flooring as he fumbles about unchecked for a few hours.

Fire Is Sooo Last Century


Microwave Tea Kettle boils water twice as fast as a stovetop kettle, and blows its whistle to let you know it! Water is piping hot for tea, instant coffee or soup...in the time it takes to reach for a mug. Instead of turning on a burner that takes longer to heat liquids...zip this 2-cup pitcher in your microwave and save energy. Dishwasher safe plastic pitcher measures, too, in milliliters and cups. $12.99

Save energy? Do these guys have any clue as to how much energy a microwave uses? A lot. And what's the fricking rush? It's just tea. If you can't wait for tea, then you've really got problems. Yet another waste of money and plastic. (And I'll bet they meant to say "zap" instead of "zip," but I'm probably just being picky)

Friday, March 02, 2007

Paper Cuts Are Nothing


If you have unsteady hands or arthritis pain, using a knife at mealtime can be difficult. The Knork turns two utensils into one. Smooth beveled edge cuts lettuce to meat, by just pressing down on either edge. Dishwasher safe, stainless steel 7 1/2" tool can be used by right or left-handers.

So in addition to arthritis, you'll have cuts all over the inside of your mouth and all over your fingers. Genius!

Ice Ice (Cry)Baby


Retro Ice Tapper cracks cubes with a single pat! Classic kitchen essential breaks up ice into more manageable bits for beverages, cold food trays, and for soothing ice wraps. Dishwasher safe plastic and metal is 10 1/2" long. $5.49

Or, you could:
a) use less ice
b) let them melt
c) use a hammer
d) waste some more money on a "mini" ice cube tray
e) stop being a fussy little crybaby
And, are you supposed to hold the ice cube in your hand in front of company while you whack it? That's just disgusting.

Leggo My Wallet!


Frozen Waffle Saver seals these breakfast favorites into their own holder to preserve flavor, freshness and full size taste! Eliminates crumbly messes in the freezer. Dishwasher safe plastic with snap-shut lid is 5" diameter, 2 1/2" high. $4.99

And, as you can see, it only holds four, so when you buy, say, a 10 pack, this thing becomes even more worthless than when you bought it. I can't take the stupidity anymore. Crumbly mess in the freezer? Since when? These are probably packed with enough preservatives to keep them solid until Armageddon.

Molly McGadget


"Butter Slicer makes 16 uniform slices to serve perfectly square butter pats, just like restaurants. Guests can easily help themselves. Dishwasher safe cutter with stainless steel wires is 7" x 2 3/4" x 7/8". Marble base not included. $6.99"

Yes, I'm sure that all restaurants use this exact same dollar-store grade gadget from Walter Drake. I like how they conveniently leave out the fact that cold, hard butter will bend this thing into oblivion. And good luck getting all those slippery, jiggly slices of butter into a neat little row (pictured) without a mess. This is more trouble than it's worth. Just use a frickin knife.

Death By Harfing


All-In-One Hat and Scarf will keep you toasty warm this winter. Attractive faux fur hat features an attached 4 foot long knit scarf that protects face, neck, and throat from chilly winds and cold weather. Soft, washable acrylic. One size fits all. Made inUSA. $9.98

You know what's funny about this? When you forget that you're wearing a "harf" and try to take your hat off and accidentally strangle yourself. HA! HA!

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Dream or Nightmare?


Sumptuous, fluid jersey is a woman's dream and this dress is a dream come true. Unlike most of your party dresses, this one doesn't rack up dry cleaning expenses. Modern and flattering, this dress embodies affordable style. The lovely braid trim adds a chic twist.

Some things I noticed while laughing my way through the women's apparel section at Walmart.com:

1) Walmart can not afford any mannequins, assuming that this rumpled, wide-waisted dress will sell just fine because it's only $12.00.

2) The dress photos are all exactly the same; they just colorized them to appear different. God only knows what the colors are really like.

3) This dress is fugly, probably fits like shit (look at the crooked waistline) and likely to rip apart at the seams.