Monday, February 26, 2007

Back Seat Diner


Back Seat Fast Food Tray secures to headrest to hold everything from food and drinks to toys, auto accessories and trash. Clears floor clutter and divides it into neat, spacious bins. Features flip down tray for meals on the go. Plastic, 12 1/4 x 4 1/4 x 6". $14.98

And, as you can see, there is a nice roomy tray for eating off of. Your kids won't drop a single crumb, scrap of processed meat or artificial cheese.

You May Also Like: I'm Crashin' It

Don't Drink and Drive!


Car Cup Holder Coasters soak up spills while adding a splash of color. These vibrant disks with a chic daisy design are made of a super absorbent material. Sized to fit standard cup holders, finger tabs on each side make them easy to remove. Two per pack. $4.98

Great! Now I can get rid of all the napkins that have accumulated in my car.

MY EYES!


Faux marble tile squares make an ordinary surface elegant. Get the coveted look of a real marble floor at a fraction of the price. Self adhesive pieces are easy to install. No tools or glue needed. Set includes eighteen 12 x 12" vinyl squares. $19.99

Yes, I'm sure that these will fool everyone. Imagine what this will do for your resale value when you sell your home or apartment! I don't think you can get real marble in such disgusting colors. Here's a tip: leave that beige floor alone and get some area rugs.

Or, You Could Put Tea Bags In Your Coffee Maker


SunbeamTM Tea Drop Takes the work out of brewing tea. Makes brewing a pot of tea just as easy as coffee. Simply put in loose leaf or bagged tea, fill with water and relax a few minutes until it is done. Includes variable strength settings, green lit power indicator, permanent removable filter, steeping basket and glass carafe. Dishwasher safe. UL listed. Glass and plastic, 7 x 10 1/2 x 10". $49.98

Oh, thank God for this! I'm so tired of making tea! It's so complicated and time-consuming. And don't even get me started on putting the honey in the glass.

Hybrids Are For Suckers


Battery-powered pump quickly drains or transfers liquids. Empty aquariums, transfer gas, oil and other auto fluids, use for making beer or wine, or clear flooded areas. Pumps 5-6 quarts per minute with easy push-button operation. Requires two D batteries (not included). Jug container is not included. $19.98

Imagine, next time you run low on gas, you can just "borrow" a gallon (or ten) from your neighbor's car. Think of the savings! Get incredible mileage while never worrying about the price of gas again!

Biggest Waste Of Money--E-V-E-R!


Blender Timer helps mix things up while you wait! Time isn't the only thing that flies when you use this funky timer. When the clock reaches zero, the beads start to spin and dance to music. Requires 2 AAA batteries (not included). Plastic, 7". $19.98

After this arrives in the mail, I want you to take all the credit cards in your wallet--hell, the entire wallet--and put it in a real blender. Then, go jump off an overpass, but wait for a nice big heavy tractor trailer first.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

When Personalization Goes Awry


Show your true school spirit with this premier customizable class ring. A wonderful gift or keepsake, this classic oval high school class ring is easy to person-alize with a name or any 10-character text, any graduation year, a favorite activity, school mascot, colors and much more. (From Walmart)

Perfect for those who dropped out of high school or never went to college. Get one from Harvard or Yale and hit the bars!

Sweater Mess


Balancing your skinny jeans and pencil skirts is the key to making them work. This capelet sweater is the perfect choice for topping off your favorite slim styles. The swingy shape in a chunky knit offers a chic, playful way to bundle up.

Barf, barf, barfity barf. Looks like someone got an F- in knitting class. And she's still going to freeze her ass off. Just $8.00 at Walmart

Walter Drake Wants You Dead


(From the Walter Drake website)

When Your Spouse Dies Book and Memorial Stone Insightful Book Encourages a New Start after the painful loss of someone dear to the heart. Softbound, 42 page book is a thoughtful gift. Desktop Remembrance Stone reveals sentiments from the heart in two meaningful words. Measures 3 3/4" x 2 3/4". $10.99

You May Also Like: Smothering Techniques Book and Memorial Cinderblock Set.

Egg On My Face


Double Egg Cup
There's never been a smarter way to eat the best meal of the day. Dual holder readies one below. Dishwasher safe glass is 4" high, 2 1/2" diameter. $1.99

Alright, I'll admit that I need help with this one. How does this work? Do you take the scalding hot egg out of the pot and try to get it under the glass on the bottom? And why would you do this? And won't the boiling hot egg on the bottom eventually ruin my vinyl tablecloth? And why not just use two next to each other?

PC Pest Control


SuperSwat Fly Swatter
Fly Removal Kit Safely Eliminates Pests. All-in-one set includes swatter/sweeper, scooper and tweezer to dispose of insects the sanitary way. Makes removal and cleanup of flies, bees, wasps so much easier without having to waste paper towels or use your household broom to sweep up the mess. Easily whisks insects off walls and windows, too. Plastic swatter is 21" long with 5" wide head. $5.99

Oh, come on. Half the fun of killing a fly is watching them splat against the wall, then finishing them off with a balled up wad of paper towels, while screaming at the gooey mass inside.

Smoker's Loophole


Smoker's Mist Spray
Smell Fresher with Smoker's Mist Spray Completely odorless mist instantly eliminates smoke and tobacco odors on contact from hair, skin and clothing! Special formula neutralizes-not just covers up-the offensive smells that can be caused by cigarettes, cigars and pipes. Ideal for those who work in smoke-free environments. Contains 2 fluid ounces.

Ideal for those who work in smoke-free environments, so that they can light up in the office and then spray this all over the place to cover their tracks. And it's perfect to take along to bars and clubs in New York City!

Just Use Your Frickin Hands


You're Guaranteed the Best Blended Salads Using These Easy-Grip Forks. From leafy greens, to julienne carrots and pepper strips, every ingredient is mixed equally. Large tines blend without mashing ingredients. Set of 2 hooks onto a bowl. Dishwasher safe plastic is 6" long. Easily lift chicken breasts, veal cutlets, pork chops using two hands, not a spatula! $6.99

And when you're not "blending" salads, you can put them by your mouth and scare the family pet! Or you can shove them up your ass for a relaxing massage. These are retarded. Using these won't make it easier to lift a slimy chicken breast. But, I guess the long tines come in handy when trying to pick it up after it slides off and slaps onto the floor.

Golden Girl


3-Piece Pant Set You'll look like a million in this elegant 3-piece pant set. It features a slimming, hip-length royal blue tank top and matching straight-leg pull-on pants. Topped with a gorgeous, sheer floral jacket with flowing scalloped edges. Sophisticated, comfortable and so easy to take care of in machine wash-and-dry polyester. Imported $29.99 for sizes S-L, $34.99 for sizes up to 3X

Ladies, spring will be here before you know it. It's time to get your spring wardrobe in check.

Try Explaining This One to the FBI


"Alternating Pressure Point Technology" makes Best Seat your best choice for travel. This patented seat cushion uses a microprocessor-controlled pump and valve system that alternates air pressure within its chambers to "lift and shift" the points where your body comes in contact with the airplane or car seat, so your circulation is continually enhanced. Batteries for the tiny built-in pump last 50 hours before needing a recharge (dual-voltage recharger included). Far more comfortable than any air or gel cushion! $225.00

If you’re already spending that much time in an airline seat, $225 is a lot to spend on this "baby seat," especially after it is confiscated by stubborn security guards at the airport.

The Ultimate Cat Toy


Striking "Tree" Uniquely Displays 36 Photos
Showcase your favorite photos with this unique photo tree. Sturdy and stable, this five-foot-high tree is finished in a beautiful shining nickel finish. Perfect for photo displays at birthday parties, graduations, family reunions and great for displaying holiday cards too!

Warning: Not for households with cats. Or any households at all.

Just Leave The Door Wide Open


THE EASY MOUNT WINDOW CAT DOOR.
Installed like a standard window air-conditioning unit, this cat door allows your cat independent access to your home without the need for you to constantly open and close a door. The box door fits single or double-hung vertical sliding windows 24" to 36" wide, and installs without renovations. Inside the box is a switchback corridor lined with a series of vinyl curtains that act as an airlock baffle to minimizes heating or cooling loss and blocks wind. A manual door can be closed at your convenience. The entrances have removable weather-resistant carpet floors that can be washed, and the exterior is sturdy ABS plastic. Minor assembly.

So, while kitty is out getting feline AIDS, you’ve got rats, mice, squirrels and raccoons plotting to get in.

And When They Die, Flushing Them Is A Snap!


This kit is a great starting point for nearly anyone. The Fish 'n Flush Toilet-Tank Aquarium Kit comes with only the highest quality components. Each part is carefully selected for it's performance, reputation, and ability to enhance the Fish 'n Flush Toilet-Tank Aquarium Kit that it accompanies. This kit is a great starting point for nearly any aquarist. All Fish 'n Flush Toilet-Tank Aquarium Kits are low voltage and safe to assemble and enjoy.
Just add gravel, water & fish! $289.00

Imagine company coming over to see the new aquarium you've been bragging about. Then the awkward silence as you lead them into the bathroom. And not to mention that every time you take a dump, the fish suffer a close up of your gigantic ass. This is wrong on so many levels. Why isn't PETA on this? See the website here

Pasta Wars


Remember the Pasta Express? Sure you do. Though arguably the most ridiculously conceived kitchen item in years, it's still around. You can easily find it at any store with low standards. What's more incredible is that someone was brave enough to attempt to out do it. This is the little known rival, Pasta Vision (right). At first, it's similar to the Pasta Express, but this is where it goes haywire. You pour the water in. You put the pasta in. You flip the switch. The water boils and cooks the pasta right there. Too bad my stove can't do that. And it is as cheap an flimsy as you might expect, with hideous toy grade plastic. Not surprisingly, it has vanished from CVS and Costco. There isn't a trace of it left on the internet. I checked. Patent wars? Or common sense?

Marzipan Madonna Figurine Not Included


Stadium-shaped cake practically decorates itself! Serve this cake at halftime, and sports fans will cheer! This cast aluminum Bundt® pan with non-stick finish makes it easy to Surprise the sports fans at halftime or on a birthday with a stadium cake! This cast aluminum Bundt® pan creates a golden crust and fine details that eliminate the need for hours of decorating—just dust with powdered sugar or drizzle with glaze. The heat-reflective exterior produces uniform browning; the premium non-stick inner surface releases the cake easily. 9-cup capacity; approx. 9½"x12". Pipe frosting in team colors! Bundt Natural Cake Mix, 21.6 oz.; just add butter, milk and eggs to create one moist, rich cake; specify lemon, chocolate or vanilla. bake.

Sorry, but you bring this into a room full of rabid carb-addicted sports fans and the only reaction will be laughter (and anger) at what is essentially, a hollowed out cake. And note the incredible recipe at the end there. "Bake," it says, but not for how long or at what tempurature, because all rabid sports fans know how to bake.

I suspect that the only consumers of this will be gay men who will decorate it to recreate concert venues by their favorite pop icons.

Finish The Potatoes, Wear the Sack


This great denim jean features a side elastic waist for comfortable, every day wear. Sale: $16.00

This comes from the "Big Men's" section of the Kmart website. These particular jeans are available in a flattering 50 x 30. Imagine those proportions, if you will. I shudder to think what that customer looks like. Maybe like this.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who thinks this way, but if you are that big, your jeans should cost more, like $345.00, as incentive to stop eating so much. If the Great John toilet didn't embarrass you enough already.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

You're Better Off Wiring Your Mouth Shut


Band Flex XS home gym strengthens abs, arms, legs, back and chest through high-quality resistance exercises. Why pay $899 for similar products? Safe setup lets you workout without a spotter. Quick-change snap system for easy resistance adjustment, floor protectors prevent skidding and scratches. Features gym quality adjustable padded seat, lat tower and leg extensions/curl attachments. Steel, 46 1/2 x 48 x 79". *Extra $50 shipping
Your Price: $299.98

Some things to note about the Band Flex XS:
  1. This is the XS model. As in X-tra Stupid.

  2. Although it vaguely resembles a Bowflex, the weak resistance comes from a squeaky series pulleys and bungee cords.

  3. No matter who assembles it for you, it will probably shake, rattle, squeak and groan like a 1979 Caddy over a cobblestone road.

  4. That "model" should just head over to the plastic surgeon for those massive thighs and become a bulimic.

  5. It's not worth the box it's shipped in.

Leaves Me Cold


Shoulder Cozy
Chase the chill away with this soft, fleece shoulder wrap. It keeps your shoulders, neck and back warm whether you are relaxing in your favorite chair, sitting by the fire or walking to the store. Two pockets keep hands warm. Machine washable polyester fleece. 58" long x 20" wide. $14.99, 2/$19.99

This is perfect for little old ladies whose blankets and jackets are always in the laundry or at the dry cleaners! Of course, it's made of wonderful polyester fleece, so you can even wear it to a fancy dinner at IHOP! And is that a real old lady, or a mannequin? Scary.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Puke It Up

iJoy RideThree-axis riding motion tones and tightens three different core muscle groups — back, sides and abs. Select from four speeds: Warm-up, Taking It Easy, Getting Serious or Pump It Up. In Auto mode the Ride takes control, dishing out a dynamic combination of all four speeds. Plugs into standard outlet. $399.95

Nothing like a vague description to sell a 400-dollar product. After some examination, I'm assuming that this is really just a mechanical bull for home use. What else could it be? Just look at that woman. She is really enjoying it, isn't she?

What's with those horrible names that they've assigned to the speeds? Pump it up? Who the hell says that anymore? I guess this is perfect for the out-of-shape, isolated housewife who has not been outside in 13 years. Also notice that there is no way to anchor yourself on this, aside from the badly designed grab handle in the center, so you put your life in your hands when you are in, say, Pump It Up mode. Then there's the name. iJoy makes it sound like you can plug your iPod into it (you can’t—as if you would want to in the first place), but they're just trying to add cache to a piece of shit that will end up in the corner of your bedroom with laundry on it, or used as an emergency chair for company. (click to enlarge)

Because They Don't Make Nightlights Anymore


Motion-activated night light turns on automatically when you get up in the middle of the night. No more stumbling around or waking your partner on your way to the kitchen or bathroom. Infra-red detector has a range up to 25 feet, stays lit for 20 seconds. Mount on bedside, wall or nightstand with included Velcro sticker. Requires 4 AAA batteries (not included). 5 x 1 1/2". $11.98

And since they didn't mention it, I'm assuming there is no on/off switch. What this means, is that all day long, this thing will wear itself out. While you're getting dressed, while you're getting undressed, while the social worker is putting you back in your bed, while your dog or cat moves about, while you pack for the "home", while you fall out of bed, etc... Those batteries won't stand a chance.

Worried about waking your partner up? Well, it's obvious that you are in some kind of abusive relationship. Just tell him or her to "shut up" and be done with it.

These Should Be At Least 75% Off By Now


Nothing says “I Love You” better than a dozen chocolate roses. Each rose is wrapped in red foil then beautifully arranged against a shimmering gold background. This lovely box of solid, milk chocolate roses is the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day, a birthday, Mother’s Day or any day you wish to remember someone special. Made by Mark Avenue Chocolates. Comes boxed. 6 oz. $14.98 (should be $3.75 or less)

Comes boxed? Thank God. I'm so tired for ordering these only to have them thrown in a plastic bag. They're always all smashed when I get them and Mom cries--again. And $14.98? I call bullshit on this because you're only getting 12 little pieces of crap milk chocolate and paying for the "shimmering gold background" that will end up in the garbage anyway.

Red, White, and Ruined


15' Flag Banner. A Dramatic Entrance in The Spirit of The Red, White & Blue! Long 15' banner curtains a door or balcony, dips from ceiling, drapes above banquet table. Machine washable cotton is 3' wide. $19.99

And as you can see, it completely clears all the edges of the door, so that when it is opened, the 15' Flag Banner will not get caught, snagged and end up crumpled on the ground.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Endorsed by Lynda Carter


Protect This Woman
It's a prayer, a wish, an angelic sentiment that every woman deserves. "Protect This Woman" is inscribed on sterling silver and beautifully punctuated with an amethyst. 1" square charm with 7 1/2" chain. Handcrafted in the USA. $89.00

A new take on those big bracelets first seen on Wonder Woman, these work better than mace or guns! Worried about walking the streets alone or getting carjacked? Not anymore! Great for first dates and working alone with creepy coworkers!

Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Worse


(for Greencan, who wanted to know if this was for real)

Welcome to McDonalds.Delivery.com! Free delivery to businesses & residences 8:00am - 10:00pm 7 Days a Week Now delivering to locations in Brooklyn and the Bronx! Enter your zip code to place an order with participating McDonald's locations. Delivery.com will provide you with a list of restaurants in your neighborhood. Please review the delivery range, as not every location will deliver to your specific address.

Go ahead, put your address in. I dare you. Be warned, though. They don't deliver to Chelsea or my office building on West 45th street. Devastating.

Don't you love how they still keep trying to glamorize their deadly fast food with graphics like this? They should have a bitter, underpaid, delivery guy in the picture. He will be high on drugs, have a criminal history, and a raging attitude. He will expect a big tip. He will tell the customer this. The customer will be a single mother, also high on drugs, with a filthy apartment or trailer park. There might be a pit bull chained to a radiator and her fatherless child running around in nothing but a diaper.

Guess How Much: Jewelry Edition


Without giving anything away, we're going to play another round of "Guess How Much!"

Is this butterfly pendant:
A) $39.99 at QVC
B) $1,400 at the Jewelry Source
C) Free with $50 purchase at Harriet Carter
D) $30,000 at Tiffany & Co.
UPDATE: the answer is D. 30 big ones for this crap.

Why Isn't The Stock Market Closed Today?


The nerve of those guys. Don't they know what a big deal today is? Sheesh! Today's events include: working (all day), trudging home in the shitty, half-melted snow and trying to recapture my youth.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Margarita-Vile


NEW! Make a gallon of margaritas automatically! If your idea of fun includes salt and a lime wedge, then the Margarator is for you! Just fill with ice, tequila and margarita mix, flip a switch and you're ready to serve. Makes sixteen 8 oz. servings in just minutes! Special blender both grinds and shaves ice for a deliciously frosty margarita taste. One gallon capacity unit is insulated to stay cold for up to four hours. AC and DC capability makes it great for parties, cookouts, camping trips, tailgaiting, weddings and more.10"L x 10-1/2"W x 19-1/4"H. $129.99

Just a piece of advice, so-called margarita lovers: "Margarita mix" is the same as "cheese product." In other words, disgusting, fake, and, in this case, blasphemous and so wrong. (And don't get me started on that tiny, plastic margarita glass in the photo) Want a real margarita? This is the secret formula: 3 parts tequila, 1 part whiskey sour mix, 1 part triple sec, 1 part Rose's Lime Juice. Add ice, drink, fall over. You'll thank me in the morning.
(Thanks to Larry for the recipe.)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dud Light


Abs of ale? Brew falsey? The Beer Belly is a beer bladder that fits stealthily and comfortably around your waist under your shirt, with a feeder tube to bring the brew to papa. Quality-designed and built, the polyurethane bag holds up to 80 oz. and nestles in a neoprene insulated sling that becomes a literal beer gut! Great for all kinds of sporting events, watching parades, and dinner parties with the in-laws. Hand wash. One size fits all. $39.99

When it's empty, just pop off the drinking nozzle and pee right into the hose. It will keep you warm and you won't miss a single inning! And don't worry about those stiff dinner parties. Just pour wine (red or white) into it and clink bellies with your wife's friends husbands! And it's great for those long, boring AA meetings, too!

Bark! Bark! Barf!


Cute 'n Cuddly Pet Weights
Curl up on your snuggle in your car! Won't bark, meow or make a fuss... anywhere. Silk-screened cotton fabric weighted with plastic pellets is approximately 6" x 3" x 4". $6.99

And you know what? They like to swim, too! Just tie one to each arm and leg (so they don't get lost) and take a jump in the river! (Cringe-worthy side note: They are referred to as pupperweights at the Walter Drake website.)

Great For Restaurants, Too!


Talking toilet spindle will catch friends by surprise! Records your thirteen second message, then plays it back with every yank on the roll! Change your fun message often to give guests a laugh. On/off switch. Requires 2 AAA batteries, not included. Polystyrene/metal, 5 1/2"L. $9.98

Because taking a shit is so boring that we need all the distractions we can get. Here are some ideas for what I'd like to record. If anything, no one will ever use your bathroom again.

1. Hey fattie, don't forget to wipe the splatter from the underside of the seat, okay?
2. I hope you're not masturbating in here again.
3. Wow, you're hung like a thumbtack!
4. Oh, God! The stench! What the fuck did you eat last night?
5. Don't forget to wash your hands, piglet. We're watching you.
6. Are you pregant again? No? Sure looks like it.
(Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comment box.)

Beat Down Not Included


Alcohol breath tester is always with you. Lets you know when you're not OK to drive. Simple key chain tester works in 15 seconds, records when you're over the legal limit (0.8) or close to it (0.5). Helpful LED display timer with alarm notification counts up or down to track time left on parking meters. Has built-in flashlight and key chain. $24.98

Yes, this is realistic. Like pudgy here is really going to embarrass himself by taking this out in front of his drinking buddies to monitor his drinking. "Wow, guys, a second beer? Well, I don't know. Let me me check. (blows) Nope, sorry guys, gotta stop now." Beating ensues, key chain stomped to bits. Pudgy thrown out, goes home with wedgie and boot print embedded in forehead.

It's Not Them, It's YOU


(Big thanks to Moda di Magno on this one.)
This idea came from one of our fans! He wrote us about how he lives in mental turmoil after buying Ben & Jerry's. He was so afraid that his roommates would eat his pint...he couldn't concentrate at work! He suggested we sell our pints in stainless steel, bulletproof containers with a little padlock. While we couldn't actually do THAT, we came up with the Euphori-Lock! $5.50

So, let me get this straight. You're going to put a stupid, gimmicky plastic combination lock on your container of ice cream that can be cut open with a kitchen knife? Save the money for your therapy sessions, you paranoid schizophrenic.

She Devil


Stack On Snap deviled egg carrier is eggsellent for the transport or storage of deviled and hard-boiled eggs. Each of the included two, stackable, easy view containers has a removable tray with twelve depressions that each cradle an egg's shape perfectly. Containers snap together quickly. Top handle used for transport. Microwave/dishwasher safe. Plastic, 5 x 6 1/2 x 10". $12.98

I've only had sucky deviled eggs once in my life. It was at a crappy Christmas party and the woman who made them was a certified nut job who wore a horrible rainbow-colored jacket and went by the name of "Rainbow Dee."

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Brandon's Baby Blanket


Personalized TV Blanket
For sitcom marathons, your favorite soap or the big game, this cozy blanket keeps the remote handy. Plus, it even has a pocket on the back to tuck your feet into! Polyester; machine wash. Imported. Approx. 73" l x 48" w Personalize with up to 12 letters/spaces. $24.95

I take back what I said about that Emasculating Toilet Seat (below). Ladies, are you married to a total wimp who's cold all the time? Does he constantly whine about how you never make him feel special? Does he like wine coolers? Does he live for "I Love Lucy" marathons? Then this is perfect. (Take a look at that bottle and tell me that Baby Brandon isn't drinking a wine cooler while sitting next to an apparently non-working fireplace.)

Monday, February 05, 2007

Emasculation Station


"Considerate" Toilet Seat puts husbands to shame. Auto-lower lid always takes a woman's thoughts into consideration by never forgetting to put down the toilet seat. Seat is padded for ultimate comfort. Features adjustable lowering time and "man"ual override. No batteries or wiring! Vinyl, 18 x 15 x 2 1/2". $29.98

This takes all the fun out of leaving the seat up just to spite the controlling, bi-polar bitch.

You Better Work


Rechargeable lighted fan puts a cool new spin on things! No electrical outlet needed. Battery charges with included AC adaptor, powers light up to 4 hours, fan up to 11 hours and runs them simultaneously up to 3 1/2 hours. Great for use at home, in the garage and for outdoor activities. On/off switch, high/low settings. 9 1/2 x 10 1/2". $49.98

What is this for, exactly? Anyone? Are you going to sit in front of the fan and pretend you're a supermodel? Because, other than that, I can't imagine what else you would need this for.

Adds Up To Nothing


Executive Calculator and Pen Set is an elegant, two-in-one, calculator/pen arsenal for the business executive constantly on the go. The calculator contains a built-in pen holder. Compact size fits easily into purse, or jacket pocket. Button battery included. 4 1/2 x 1 1/2". $9.98

Yes, it's perfect for the business executive who's laptop is perpetually in the shop and frequently finds himself going to business meetings in offices without pens. And the two column keypad is revolutionary! Pull this baby out in front of coworkers, or better yet, clients, and prepare to be envied! Makes a great gift for a despised coworker or estranged relative.

Tragic, Defined


Voice-Activated Remote means no buttons to push. Simply instruct the TV, DVD,VCR or cable box to change channels, record and more without using hands or getting up. Works with up to four voices and recognizes 25 commands. Operate multiple devices simultaneously. Includes charging base and rechargeable batteries. ABS, 3 x 1 1/2 x 7 3/4". $69.98

If you added up all the wars, terrorist attacks, deaths by disease, murders, rapes, suicides, and disasters and accidents that have occurred since the beginning of civilization, this piece of shit would still be more tragic than all of them combined.

"...without using hands or getting up." I hope my passport is up to date, because I am leaving for good.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

MASCOT HALL OF FAME OFFICIAL OPENING


The Mascot Hall of Fame has officially opened! It features 15 of the all-time best mascots collected over the past five months. All your favorites are there, plus a few surprises. Admission is free. Rated R.

Please note: no cameras, camcorders or other recording devices are allowed. No outside food or beverages. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Seeing eye dogs only. (Viewer Discretion Advised.)

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Timbeeeerrrrr!


Peel 'n Stick crown molding makes it easy and affordable to upgrade any room with an elegant architectural finish. Self-adhesive do-it-yourself strips can be cut to size with ordinary scissors. No tools, no mitering, no woodworking. Leave white or paint to match any decor. Kit includes 16 straight pieces, each 2½"H, 52" long, plus four outside corners. Each straight piece can make an inside corner. $39.98

What's worse than having to install this for your elderly parents? Finding out that your parents have already installed it themselves. And what's worse than that? When it all comes crashing down in front of company.

I Scream, You Scream--Because of Things Like These


ICE CREAM CONTAINER Stay Fresh Ice Cream Container Holds rectangular 1/2 gal. Sturdy plastic with flip-up, snap-tight lid to seal in freshness, keep out moisture and odors. 6 x 5 x 7 1/2”. $6.98

Oh, please. Anyone who is looking to buy this probably goes through a half gallon of ice cream long before it starts to go bad. And does anyone believe this piece of dollar-store grade plastic crap is keeping anything fresh?

Eight Thousand Pound Elephant


Below is the actual description from the Footlocker website for this, perhaps the ugliest sneaker ever designed. I would rather go barefoot, as I'm sure many of you would also. (Notice how they completely avoid mentioning anything about the actual design or horrid color combinations of the shoe. I'm sure this was no accident.)

Designed as one of the most innovative and technologically advanced trail running shoes ever, the Brooks Cascadia features a low stance and dual Pivot™ Post system to help runners maintain a more neutral position at all times. Cascadia’s ventilation and quick draining system make it an ideal trail running shoe in all types of weather and terrain conditions. A Unique Ballistic Rock Shield™ in the forefoot provides added surface protection from roots and rocks, dispersing pressure while retaining maximum flexibility. Wt. 12.7 oz.

Brings Out That Animal In You On Your Wedding Night


Wolf Print Bedroom Accessories
Liven up your bedroom decor with this luxurious bed collection. It features a stunning wildlife design with magnificent wolves adorning the plush quilted comforter and shams. The coordinating bed skirt and back of the comforter have a lush, leaf-patterned print. Imported in machine-wash-and-dry polyester/cotton. The comforter has polyester fiberfill.

I am almost certain I saw this at the bridal registry for Cletus and Lorraine.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

An Inconvenient Seasoning


Shaking shakers! Shake things up at your next meal with this vibrating salt-and-pepper set! Just add your favorite spice, pull the cord, invert, and these funky shakers do the rest! Vinyl, 2 x 1½ x 4." $14.98

I have a confession to make. When I first saw this, I was all caught up in the “Novelty” section at Taylor Gifts, so I thought, “What is this, a toy? Does it dance around, spilling salt and pepper everywhere? What a waste of salt!”

Then, like a tsunami, it hit me. Self-shaking shakers. Never mind global warming, this is the real end of the world.