Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Easy Shred Scissors shred your documents! Why pay $100 for an electric shredder? Now it's easy to shred the entire document or just part of it, you're in control. Works great dicing credit cards and statements. Metal, 16 1/2 x 10 1/4 x 12 1/2. $11.98
Here's what I think about Easy Shred Scissors and their idiot customers:
1) If you used a credit card to buy this thing, then just go ahead and cut them all up, okay?
2) You'll really be kicking yourself when this is the only pair of scissors you can find when you need to cut something.
3) With every other gadget claiming to save you time, money or free you from debilitating pain, this piece of garbage will take up all your time and give you arthritis!
4) When is the last time you needed to shred just part of something?
5) Did you know that the prices for shredders have finally fallen below the dreaded 100-dollar mark? Really.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Eat out a lot? Sure you do. The good news is that the Mega Toilet (no, not the real name) is also available in commercial form, for airports, hotels, hospitals, and your local McDonalds, where they know you by first (and last) name. List price: $1,232.00
Talk about elaborate staging. Are we supposed to believe that this is actually some obese person's bathroom? This is beyond misleading. First, the space between the tub and the toilet has been greatly exaggerated, to make the Mega Toilet look "normal" by comparison. Second, there should be handrails everywhere. Third, where is the enabling spouse who does absolutely nothing to stop the overeating? And don't start complaining that I'm being cruel, just watch the Discovery Health channel.
7:45 a.m. Get on scale. Discover that I'm 5lbs lighter than I was last week. Do happy dance in shower.
12:00 Eat a half pound of chicken salad. So far so good.
4:00 Extra-active day takes it's toll, stomach starts growling. Disregard. Make excuse to visit lobby newspaper/candy store. Scrutinize package of nuts for carb content. No purchase.
6:00 Waiting room at dermatologist's office. Only available magazine is O, by Oprah. Every other page is dedicated to an article about food, an ad for cake, or recipes. Stomach growling intensifies, Oprah declared Evil. Toss magazine to side and visualize weight loss instead.
6:45 Subway station. Pass newstand overflowing with candy and snacks. Briefly stop and drool, but avoid making purchase. Starving now.
7:30 Eat satisfying chicken burrito (no rice) and sliver of Mexican pound cake from Kitchen Market in Chelsea. Declare Mexican pound cake the greatest achievement in baking history. Watch Top Chef, American Idol and Family Guy.
12:00 Go to bed. Have bizarre restaurant-themed dreams, including one where I am so talkative that a patron at a neighboring table touches my arm and says, "Please. Would you just shut the fuck up already?" as the entire restaurant stares at me in silence.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
“realistic human-shaped opponent”
I give up. I’m running away to Europe. (Thanks to Helen for the headline)
Stop making that face or it will stay that way. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to know what happens to a toilet when a 1,200 lb body falls on it to take a massive dump—if that same body isn’t already permanently bed ridden and being tortured by daily visits from Richard Simmons.
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Banana Slicer! Fleshy fruit shows every indentation, nick and scrape, cutting by hand. Not anymore! Curved slicer makes clean cuts for fruit bowls, cereals, sundaes. Dishwasher safe polypropylene is 10 3/4" long. $3.99
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
It's my first demolition derby! Imagine the fun as the kids demolish the house, knocking over tables, chairs, breaking lamps, punching holes in the walls, and chasing the family pet. Non-marring bumper? All toys mar. All of them. Have they tested this product indoors at all? Reason number 8,754 that I hate kids. All of them.
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Let's play "Guess How Much!" The winner gets an honorable mention right here on this page! (Like you care.) Here we go!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Actual Customer Testimonial: I was driving down the street in my brand new Bentley when out of nowhere, a big stupid Expedition SUV broadsided it. After it, like, flipped a few times, it exploded and was totalled! I had to be hospitalized for a week. I got my arm in a cast and needed 3,872 stitches in my forehead! When I got home, I was really bummed, but after my Mom made me a poached egg in the shape of a flower, I felt better! --Paris H.
You May Also Like: Because Frying Pans and Toaster Ovens Are Obsolete
Ladies, just imagine spending thousands and thousands of dollars on the wedding of your dreams: the $1,900 flowers arranged just so, your $3,500 Vera Wang dress, the $25,000 hall on Long Island, the $2,000 10-tier cake. You pull out the $20 Musical Cake Cutter as the $5,000 DJ brings his microphone closer so everyone can hear. The weak strains of "Hear Comes the Bride" are amplified through the hall to absolute silence as you cut into your cake--and the groom takes off.
Are they made in Italy, too? Even if they're not, I'm certain that this is how real Italians eat. In fact, I know I spotted these same forks and bowls on an episode of The Sopranos. Carmella served the big Sunday dinner with them. It was just fabulous.
I feel a tad foolish that I've been using my stew bowls for stew, my cereal bowls just for cereal and my salad bowls for salad. I could have had one set of magic bowls for everything. And they stack, too. Mine don't. They just sit one next to the other, in a row. Damn. Damn it all to hell.
What they left out of the description:
a) this is made completely out of toy-grade plastic
b) attaches to the side of the machine via a single velcro strip, so gravity is already working against it before you hang a single item.
c) the weight of a single pair of wet jeans is enough to take out the entire contraption.
Just burn a $20 bill in a frying pan on the stove. Same difference.
Just goes to show you that some people are so desperate to keep up with the Joneses that they will do just about anything. And I will pay big money to see the home of someone who has purchased this item to re-do their stove and microwave.
Poor faucet brush. I'm sure you're excited to have a purpose for being, but you really don't have any other functions other than to scrub the back of the faucet--the side no one sees anyway. It's great that we can have two of you for $17, but don't really need one in the first place.
Alright, what else can faucet brush do? After you scrub the years of grime from the back of the faucet, what next? How else can faucet brush be better utilized?
Here are some of my suggestions:
a) get that itch behind your neck
b) clean behind that pesky refrigerator handle
c) brush your entire head--all at once
e) see how long your can groom your cat before he bites your hand
DEEPWATER BATH CLEAR
Okay, everyone, gather round. Does everyone know what the words "overflow drain" mean? No? What about collapsed ceiling" or "structural damage" or "big frickin' lawsuit?" I hope my upstairs neighbor doesn't have one of these.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Or, Mr & Mrs Obese American, you could:
Really? You're a size 50 and need more room? Might I suggest a lovely mirror then?
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Friday, January 12, 2007
Costly visits to the tailor? I'm afraid that the target market for this item (fat old men who could care less about their appearance, especially when pairing khaki pants with denim shirts) stopped going to the tailor long ago.
A set of four? Wow! On really bad days, you can string them together and get FOUR inches more out of your pants! Never buy pants again! Until the inner thighs wear out from all the friction.
(I could have totally used these during those long holiday months, but a nice stomach virus fixed things right up!)
And, as you can see, they all go perfectly with the bathroom in the photo. Just imagine that scary leopard print in that blue bathroom. Finally, something to end that eons-old debate over leaving the seat up. This seat will always be up now.
Who comes up with these things? What's so funny about pulling a tissue out of this baby's mouth? Is that where they come from? You know what? In the wrong hands, and with the right photo, this could be really entertaining. I'd love to see a toilet paper dispenser based on this concept.
Your Price: $14.98
Do not adjust your screens. What you are seeing is real, courtesy of the folks at Taylor Gifts. I think the government should intervene on this one: get a list of every person that has ever purchased this, track them down, kidnap them, beat the shit out of them, and drop them off in some poverty stricken country where apples and pears are killed for.
Also works great with meat, fish, pizza and burgers! The possibilities are endless! Just use your imagination!
A Lil Leg
a) Grin and Bear It
b) A Lil' Leg
c) A Warm Embrace
d) A Shoulder To Cry On
Must be 18 or older. Void where prohibited. Must be legal resident of the United States. And I mean it.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Quiz Time! What the hell is this?
a) chic laboratory beaker
b) portable toilet
c) breast milk pump
d) coffee press
e) ugly vase from MoMA
f) pasta maker
g) bottle of vinegar
h) the world's first vacuum decanter! (or, Biggest Waste of Money for 2007)
Barf, barf, barfity barf! Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, it's the V1, the World’s First Vacuum Decanter! V1? Sounds like an electric car from GM. Was "Retardo Wine Decanter" already taken? I'll bet you want to know more. Here are some quotes from their website.
Vacuum-preserves your wine right in the decanter.
No need to funnel wine left in the decanter back into bottle.
Who does this? I have never not finished a bottle of wine. Do you know what kind of people pour wine back in the bottle? Cheapskates, losers and loners. "Sorry everyone, we'll have to save this for next time..." (room fills with boos, furniture is overturned)
Hand-blown, lead-free Crystal Decanter.
They tell you this, because they are hoping that will clinch the decision for you. "But all my other wine pumps are Waterford Crystal..."
Easy-to-read gauge tell you when you have pumped the right vacuum.
Yes, this should be loads of fun to do after a few glasses of wine, like that stupid wine bottle holder. And it's guaranteed to kill any momentum that your little party has managed to achieve.
Includes Crystal Decanter (52 oz.); Vacuum Stopper Assembly; Vacuum Pump. Life sold separately. 80 wasted dollars.
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(Major kudos to Matt at Brandspankin' who found this lovely item in the New York Times Magazine.)
Friday, January 05, 2007
Attention Porkers! Finally! A way to make it easier for you pigs to eat nasty fast food and drive your Ford Expedition at the same time! Put one in the back seat so your kids can grow up to be just as fat, nasty and obnoxious as you are! Awesome! And don't worry that it doesn't have an integrated cupholder, because you'll probably slurp down that xxxx-large supersized Diet Coke before you leave the drive-thru anyway.
WALL MURALS Wall murals are an easy way to add ambiance in any room. Feel like you're walking along the French countryside with a magnificent window, or turn your home into a tropical paradise with the large palm tree. Printed on pre-pasted vinyl- coated paper. Simply soak in water and apply. Window, 51 x 32". Palm, 65 x 43". $39.98
Go completely deaf, for only $14.98, you cheap son of a bitch! Also available: the EYE CLEANER, only $9.98
Answer your fucking phone already! Or, get your old manager back who used answer the damn phone before the 11:00 "official" opening. Who do you guys think you are that you can't--or won't answer the phone before 11:00? Today, I gave up after calling up until 11:15 and ordered from your rivals. Do you know how many times we've ordered from you? Don't you want to make money so that you, too, can live in a brick mansion on 16 acres in Kentucky, like your founder? I did have plenty of time to check out your hilarious "gallery of quality" on your website, where your mass-produced pre-fab pizza is presented to us as serious quality control. What. Ever. Here are some screen captures to remind you.
I don't see a drop of sauce in this picture (except for the inset photo). Am I supposed to believe it's there just because you're pointing at it?"Cut in equal slices and placed together." Wow, thanks Papa! I'm so sick of opening a box of pizza only to find uneven slices stacked on top of each other!