Sunday, January 28, 2007

Or, You Could Just Buy Them Lotto Tickets


A tidy sum of either $1, $5, $10, $20 or even a $50 bill! You have to use up the soap to collect the cash. Terrific gifts for anyone. $14.98

The testimonial they don't want you to read: "So, I bought like, five of these things, hoping to get the $50 bill and, two weeks later, I'm super clean but only five dollars richer. Did I get scammed?"

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Will It Wipe For Me, Too?


Pop-up Toilet Paper Dispenser keeps extra rolls within reach. Just press the button and a new roll of paper pops up automatically. Close the lid to reset. Clear window on top shows when it's time for a refill. Holds up to three rolls (including jumbo). Plastic, 5 x 5 x 17". $24.98

Because when you're taking a dump there's just so much else to do that you don't have time to look for toilet paper! Go here to see the exciting video demo, because you're all too stupid to figure it out by just the picture alone.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Show Them You Care--To A Point


Imitation security camera with dual sensors "monitors" your home or business. Motion sensors activate motorized realistic-looking light-up (back and forth) camera to protect your valuables and loved ones from unsuspecting intruders. Easy installation, no wiring. Plastic, 6 x 5 1/2 x 2". $14.98

Because your family deserves the very best--or as much as $14.98 will buy. Look at this thing! It might as well have a Fisher Price logo on it. The only way this will work will be when the intruder doubles over in laughter and gives up.

Bet They Don't Shave Their Legs, Either

"Dull Women Have Immaculate Homes" Hey, Martha doesn't live here, either. You certainly have more interesting things to do than clean BEHIND the furniture! If you don't - let them at least THINK you do. Ceramic plaque with funky beaded wire hanger will look perfect hanging on the vacuum. 7¼ x ¼ x 4¼". $14.98

Correction: This item should say, "Dull Sloppy Women Buy Stupid Plaques." Sorry for the confusion.

From Atkins Kitchen Appliances

From the Skymall catalog. Liven up breakfast and toasted sandwiches with this unique Pop Art Toaster that imprints 6 whimsical images onto your bread! Interchangeable metal plates easily slide in and out of our standard sized toaster to start your day off with a smile! Seven heat settings make it a snap to toast bread, English muffins, or frozen waffles. Toaster features reheat, defrost, and cancel buttons, plus a slide-out crumb tray and UL listed cord. Made of durable easy-clean plastic. $37.97
If you have to rely on a smiling half-toasted piece of bread to make or break your day, then you might as well just put a bullet through your head right now. Besides, can you imagine just how awful that partially toasted bread is going to taste? The pictures alone proove it: soft and cold until--crunch! This one is worse than the Mickey Mouse Toaster, simply because it encourages you to swich out the stupid metal plates. The website also warns, "This item can not be discounted." Really? I don't think this can be discounted enough. Another great reason to go on Atkins.

I Guess It's Back To Incandescent Bulbs Now


"CORDLESS LIGHTED TOILET SEAT Cordless light-up toilet seat -just lift the lid and ten blue LED lights send a soft glow around the seat. Fun novelty or helpful bathroom nightlight? You decide. Powered by 3 AA batteries, not included. Bubble design in the lucite. $69.98"

And it's great for Las Vegas casinos and Times Square restaurants! You know, you have to wonder: where does LED technology have to go now that it's been reduced to tacky novelty toilet seats? Underwear? Bras? Litterboxes? Wallets? Staplers?

Friday, January 26, 2007

But Who's Counting?


Fourteen piece value-priced bath set brightens the whole room at a fraction of the price of other sets. Lovely leaf design is outlined by ornate scroll work. Includes a polyester shower curtain (70 x 70"), 12 fabric shower rings, machine washable non-slip bath mat (18 x 30") and a contoured rug that fits around the toilet. Available in Coral, Blue, Green and Gray $19.98


Fourteen pieces? Wow! What a bargain! Wait a minute. What's going on here? They actually count each individual shower ring as a "piece." Let's add it up:


1 Polyester shower curtain

12 fabric shower rings

1 bath mat

1 toilet rug

So, there are 15 pieces in the fourteen piece "value-priced" bath set. Is that the "value" part?

Edward ScissorScams


Easy Shred Scissors shred your documents! Why pay $100 for an electric shredder? Now it's easy to shred the entire document or just part of it, you're in control. Works great dicing credit cards and statements. Metal, 16 1/2 x 10 1/4 x 12 1/2. $11.98

Here's what I think about Easy Shred Scissors and their idiot customers:

1) If you used a credit card to buy this thing, then just go ahead and cut them all up, okay?

2) You'll really be kicking yourself when this is the only pair of scissors you can find when you need to cut something.

3) With every other gadget claiming to save you time, money or free you from debilitating pain, this piece of garbage will take up all your time and give you arthritis!

4) When is the last time you needed to shred just part of something?

5) Did you know that the prices for shredders have finally fallen below the dreaded 100-dollar mark? Really.

Scratching Post


Stainless Steel Scratch Remover restores sinks, cookware and more to "like new" condition! Use the special polish and scrubber to wipe away ugly pot marks, steel wool damage, scratches and corrosion from surfaces. Once removed, use the fine-grain restorer pads to maintain stainless steel's original satin or gloss finish. Kit includes liquid polish, double scrubber, 5 restorer pads and latex gloves.
Was $15.98 Now: $8.50
2 for $29.98 Now: $16.50

God, they can't even give it away. This one is going down as the worst case of bad photoshopping I've ever seen. Ever. (click to enlarge) First, any sink that is so severely scratched is likely a health threat. Second, what did they do, scratch some Plexiglas and hold it over the sink for this shot? Third, how do you manage to scratch a sink so violently? Are you storing tools in there? Washing your mace? Even if these are before and after shots, I'm betting they started out with a new sink, took the "after" shot, then scratched the hell out of it for the pathetic "before" picture.

You know, if you look at it long enough, the sink just looks like it's full of white cat hair.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Jumbo John, You're Cleared For Landing

(Big thanks to Greencan on this one) Anyone who doubts the obesity epidemic in America should take a good, long look at this, the 747 of toilets. With a little searching, I found the official site for the manufacturer of these super shitters. Great John If you're too scared to click that link, here are some photos for you to enjoy. First, we have the standard model, for home use. It has a 2,000 lb capacity. List price: $1,899.00.



Eat out a lot? Sure you do. The good news is that the Mega Toilet (no, not the real name) is also available in commercial form, for airports, hotels, hospitals, and your local McDonalds, where they know you by first (and last) name. List price: $1,232.00

Talk about elaborate staging. Are we supposed to believe that this is actually some obese person's bathroom? This is beyond misleading. First, the space between the tub and the toilet has been greatly exaggerated, to make the Mega Toilet look "normal" by comparison. Second, there should be handrails everywhere. Third, where is the enabling spouse who does absolutely nothing to stop the overeating? And don't start complaining that I'm being cruel, just watch the Discovery Health channel.


Mr. and Mrs. Enabler. Further proof that obesity is no "accident."


And finally, this lovely animation to drive it all home. Enjoy that bacon cheeseburger you'll be having tonight.

The War On Carbs: Day Two


Today is day three of my do-it-yourself low-carb diet. Day two was a bit difficult.
7:45 a.m. Get on scale. Discover that I'm 5lbs lighter than I was last week. Do happy dance in shower.
9:00 One cup of Starbucks coffee. Scoff at leftover breakfast bagels in office kitchen.
12:00 Eat a half pound of chicken salad. So far so good.
4:00 Extra-active day takes it's toll, stomach starts growling. Disregard. Make excuse to visit lobby newspaper/candy store. Scrutinize package of nuts for carb content. No purchase.
6:00 Waiting room at dermatologist's office. Only available magazine is O, by Oprah. Every other page is dedicated to an article about food, an ad for cake, or recipes. Stomach growling intensifies, Oprah declared Evil. Toss magazine to side and visualize weight loss instead.
6:45 Subway station. Pass newstand overflowing with candy and snacks. Briefly stop and drool, but avoid making purchase. Starving now.
7:30 Eat satisfying chicken burrito (no rice) and sliver of Mexican pound cake from Kitchen Market in Chelsea. Declare Mexican pound cake the greatest achievement in baking history. Watch Top Chef, American Idol and Family Guy.
10:00 Boil eggs for next day's egg salad. Put hot eggs in refrigerator. Forget to make egg salad.
12:00 Go to bed. Have bizarre restaurant-themed dreams, including one where I am so talkative that a patron at a neighboring table touches my arm and says, "Please. Would you just shut the fuck up already?" as the entire restaurant stares at me in silence.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Or, You Could Pick A Fight With a Stranger


Pow! An interactive boxing workout with a sci-fi theme! The Robo Boxer provides a realistic human-shaped opponent, with graphical target zones to perfect your aim. With each blow, the Robo Boxer bounces back, coming with a multi-directional response to keep you on your toes. Adjustable suspension controls the speed of rebound. Six levels of height adjustment raises target from 60" up to 70". Heavy-duty steel con-struction provides plenty of support for long-lasting use. Folds down and rolls away for easy storage. 64 x 35 x 62-70", 86 lbs. $99.99

“realistic human-shaped opponent”

I give up. I’m running away to Europe. (Thanks to Helen for the headline)

Shattered Shitter


Big John Toilet Seat Roomier Than Any Other Toilet Seats. A typical toilet seat is a mere 14"w. The Big John is a more comfy 19"w of ergonomically contoured sitting surface. Made of the highest-grade anti-microbial, stain and chemical resistant plastic with stabilizing rubber bumpers. Stainless steel hinges provide unbreakable strength. The bottom line: this seat is larger, higher and better for your bum! Fits round and elongated bowls. Installs like a regular toilet seat. 1,200 lb. capacity. $129.99

Stop making that face or it will stay that way. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to know what happens to a toilet when a 1,200 lb body falls on it to take a massive dump—if that same body isn’t already permanently bed ridden and being tortured by daily visits from Richard Simmons.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Time To Send Grandma Away For A While


Imagine, if you will, the following phone conversation:
DAUGHTER: So, little Jimmy can't wait to see you next week.

(Jimmy screams in background)

GRANDMOTHER: What was that?

DAUGHTER: He wants to know if you'll be making him your famous ice cream sundaes.

GRANDMOTHER: (laughs) Of course, dear! Let me just make sure I have my banana slicer ready.

DAUGHTER: Your what?

GRANDMOTHER: Hold on. (sound of ruckus in background, cutlery crashing to the floor.)

GRANDMOTHER: Dang!

DAUGHTER: What's wrong?

GRANDMOTHER: (chuckles) I can't find my banana slicer! I need my banana slicer! Without it, I'm afraid I won't be able to make a sundae for little Jimmy. I'm sorry. Maybe it's best that he stay home.

DAUGHTER: Well, can't you just use a knife?

GRANDMOTHER: Who the hell do you think you're talking to, you little ingrate? I always knew you'd be trouble once you married that husband of yours. I never liked him--or his family, either! You know what? Maybe it was him who stole my banana slicer. You’d better give it back or I’m callin’ the police right now!
(dial tone)

The Banana Slicer! Fleshy fruit shows every indentation, nick and scrape, cutting by hand. Not anymore! Curved slicer makes clean cuts for fruit bowls, cereals, sundaes. Dishwasher safe polypropylene is 10 3/4" long. $3.99

Friday, January 19, 2007

Read It, Or He'll Scratch Your Eyes Out

Shadow has updated his blog, and would like you to read his latest entry. Le Shadow Noir

Or, You Could Stop Being A Slob!


CLEAN HOUSE DOORMAT The house Was clean! Ironic house doormat welcomes guests with a good-humored knock on your untidy abode. 30 x 20". $19.98

How funny! Not. And it's great for people with low self-esteem or mental issues. What else can we fess up to by way of tacky household products?

"I Had My Period Yesterday--Sorry You Missed It!"
"My Husband Cheated On me--And Now He's Dead!"
"My Kids Are All In Jail--Now I Can Sleep Late!"

Fishy Faux Pas


3D WALL MIRROR AQUARIUM Three-dimensional wall aquarium Enjoy the tranquil beauty of an aquarium without feeding fish or cleaning it. An assortment of colorful fish brighten your home or office as they swim about. Lighted background and mirrored frame accentuate scene. Plug has on/off switch. Mounts flat with included hardware. Glass, 26 x 3 x 18". $69.98

"Mounts flat with included hardware." Really? I was just going to lay it on the table and serve drinks on it. Mirrored frame, so you can see just how pathetic you are as you hang it up next to the pictures of your trailer trash wedding and 1979 Camaro.

Also available: The Virtual Cat - enjoy the plush softness of a cat without having to keep it alive! It comes fully declawed and makes a realistic purring sound when held!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Party Like It's 1996!

Our Men's Reversible Shirt is two shirts in one. Saves space in your luggage! With a casual blue check on one side and a dressier black with bue and gray stripe on the other, this versatile, fully-fashioned shirt is the smart way to pack light. The 55% cotton/45% polyester blen fabric is soft, lightweight, wrinkle-and stain-resistant, and washable. Imported. Available in men's sizes M-2XL.
Here is the perfect example of a potentially good idea turned horrifically bad. The devil is in the details, guys, so if you want to keep this cheapo reversible shirt a secret, you'll have to keep it buttoned way up to the top, so that no one can see the ugly "casual" pattern that overlaps the "dressy" pattern where you button it. Dorks. Had they thought it through, they'd have made one side solid, so the overlap would seem like nice detailing. Pleated khakis? So five years ago. Plaid patterns? Ten years ago.

How To Tell If Someone Hates You

They get you this.

Even a mouse prefers black leather! (yes, that's the actual tagline) Black leather mousepad with a clock, alarm, timer, and a 10-digit calculator. Also performs currency conversions and tax calculation. Adjustable-angle LCD display. Gel wrist rest. Two AAA batteries included. $49.50

Don't look now, but the "deluxe" model includes an iPod adapter, mini-speakers, cell phone charger, halogen lamp, fold-out keyboard, photo printer, ice maker, shoe shine kit and the pad doubles as a hot plate to keep your Starbucks warm! Only $69.50. From your friends at the SkyMall catalog.

Sheetrock's Natural Enemy


"This is the child's electric powered ride-on bumper car shaped like a ladybug. For indoor or outdoor use, the buggy is made of shatter-resistant polypropylene and it has a non-marring bumper made of high-density foam rubber. The rear tires are solid rubber and the two free-spinning front casters are durable plastic. Includes seat belt and accommodates riders up to 55 lbs. Ages 3 and up. (18 lbs.) $129.95" (from the SkyMall catalog)

It's my first demolition derby! Imagine the fun as the kids demolish the house, knocking over tables, chairs, breaking lamps, punching holes in the walls, and chasing the family pet. Non-marring bumper? All toys mar. All of them. Have they tested this product indoors at all? Reason number 8,754 that I hate kids. All of them.

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Coffee, Tea, or Bankruptcy?


"Vera Wang Sugar Bowl. Worthy of any Empress, this fine bone china is dominated by an exquisite floral motif. The matte gold accents add shimmer to enhance the fine details. A truly stunning dinnerware. Dishwasher safe."

Let's play "Guess How Much!" The winner gets an honorable mention right here on this page! (Like you care.) Here we go!

Is it:
a) $9.99?
b) $27.99?
c) $139.99?
or
d) $2,675,813.99?
Hurry! The clock is ticking!
Update: We have a tie! The Winners are:
Greencan - Chicago, IL
S* - New York City
Congratulations to all our winners!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Better Than Prozac!


"Antique Egg Poacher. An Easy Way To Poach An Egg. There’s nothing like our old fashioned, flower shaped Egg Poacher to put a smile on your face and in your tummy. Make individual servings of poached eggs perfectly every time. Simple to use. Easy grip porcelain handle. Non-stick finish. Dishwasher safe."

Actual Customer Testimonial: I was driving down the street in my brand new Bentley when out of nowhere, a big stupid Expedition SUV broadsided it. After it, like, flipped a few times, it exploded and was totalled! I had to be hospitalized for a week. I got my arm in a cast and needed 3,872 stitches in my forehead! When I got home, I was really bummed, but after my Mom made me a poached egg in the shape of a flower, I felt better! --Paris H.

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There Goes The Groom


Musical Cake Cutter. Be The Life Of The Party! Cuts cakes to the sound of music. Clever cutter plays 4 songs: Happy Birthday, Wedding, Graduation & Party. Stainless-steel serrated blade for effortless slicing. Ergonomic rubber grip. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included). $19.95

Ladies, just imagine spending thousands and thousands of dollars on the wedding of your dreams: the $1,900 flowers arranged just so, your $3,500 Vera Wang dress, the $25,000 hall on Long Island, the $2,000 10-tier cake. You pull out the $20 Musical Cake Cutter as the $5,000 DJ brings his microphone closer so everyone can hear. The weak strains of "Hear Comes the Bride" are amplified through the hall to absolute silence as you cut into your cake--and the groom takes off.

Because Tony Said So, That's Why


"The Way Pasta Should Be Eaten. Our traditional ceramic Pasta Bowls keep pasta and sauce contained for easy twirling & drip-free dining. Also great for stew, cereals, salads and other one-dish meals. Stackable, dishwasher/microwave safe. 8 in dia. Set of 4. Use with our stainless steel Spaghetti Forks to stop slippery noodles from falling. Wavy tines grip pasta strands for mess-free meals. Great on numerous pasta varieties from angel hair to fettucine. Dishwasher safe. Set of 8."

Are they made in Italy, too? Even if they're not, I'm certain that this is how real Italians eat. In fact, I know I spotted these same forks and bowls on an episode of The Sopranos. Carmella served the big Sunday dinner with them. It was just fabulous.

I feel a tad foolish that I've been using my stew bowls for stew, my cereal bowls just for cereal and my salad bowls for salad. I could have had one set of magic bowls for everything. And they stack, too. Mine don't. They just sit one next to the other, in a row. Damn. Damn it all to hell.

When Gravity Attacks


EZ Hanger Handy Laundry Helper. Hang up to 12 garments straight from the washing machine or as you iron. Our adjustable height EZ Hanger doesn’t take up floor space, saves on utility bills and attaches quickly to a washer, dryer or deck w/hook and loop adhesive pads (incl.). No tools required! $18.95

What they left out of the description:
a) this is made completely out of toy-grade plastic
b) attaches to the side of the machine via a single velcro strip, so gravity is already working against it before you hang a single item.
c) the weight of a single pair of wet jeans is enough to take out the entire contraption.

Just burn a $20 bill in a frying pan on the stove. Same difference.

The Day The Joneses Died Laughing


STAINLESS STEEL PVC CONTACT PAPER A "Stainless Steel" Look Without The Price. Easily transform aging appliances. Just peel and stick our Stainless Steel Adhesive Film over any fridge, oven or dishwasher for an instant update. Repositionable & temp. resistant (to 175 degrees). Trim to fit roll covers approx. 36 square ft. 35¼ " W x 5½ ft. L.

Just goes to show you that some people are so desperate to keep up with the Joneses that they will do just about anything. And I will pay big money to see the home of someone who has purchased this item to re-do their stove and microwave.

Scrub-A-Dumb-Dumb


FAUCET BRUSH Clean Behind Any Faucet Without Scraping Your Knuckles. The Flexible Faucet Brush cleans those tight, hard-to-reach places. Loop around any faucet, drawer handle or sink trap and pull back and forth. Plastic handles, nylon bristles. 24" long. 9.95 2/$17

Poor faucet brush. I'm sure you're excited to have a purpose for being, but you really don't have any other functions other than to scrub the back of the faucet--the side no one sees anyway. It's great that we can have two of you for $17, but don't really need one in the first place.

Alright, what else can faucet brush do? After you scrub the years of grime from the back of the faucet, what next? How else can faucet brush be better utilized?
Here are some of my suggestions:

a) get that itch behind your neck
b) clean behind that pesky refrigerator handle
c) brush your entire head--all at once
d) play ninja and fling it around the room (or keep it in your purse in case a mugger attacks)
e) see how long your can groom your cat before he bites your hand
f) hang yourself from the shower rod

Deep Bath, Deeper Shit



DEEPWATER BATH CLEAR
Now you can fill the bathtub with 60% more water! Enjoy a deeper, warmer, more luxurious bath with this handy gadget. Covers the overflow drain so you can fill the tub to the top. Suction cups in place. $9.95

Okay, everyone, gather round. Does everyone know what the words "overflow drain" mean? No? What about collapsed ceiling" or "structural damage" or "big frickin' lawsuit?" I hope my upstairs neighbor doesn't have one of these.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

More Pie, Please. No Really, I Have Room Now


INCH MASTER Add Inches To The Waistband Of Jeans, Skirt, Slacks Or Shorts . A safe and easy way to temporarily stretch your clothing. Just moisten (or wash) the garment, insert InchMaster into the waistband area, and extend to the desired size. When the garment dries, it retains the new size. Waist sizes up to 50 inches. $29.95

Ahem.

Or, Mr & Mrs Obese American, you could:

a) stop eating so damn much

b) buy a few pairs of jeans (I'm guessing you'd need more than $29.95, due to the massive bolt of fabric required to make them for you)

c) go drown yourself in a lake (do not jump; you will trigger a tsunami)

Really? You're a size 50 and need more room? Might I suggest a lovely mirror then?

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Friday, January 12, 2007

Just Let Someone Sneeze In Your Face


Button Extender When Your Waist Size Fluctuates, Use This Extra INCH! Here is a quick way to loosen waistbands when you’ve added extra pounds! Home Trends Button Extender is one of our most popular items. The easy-on, easy-off extender loop simply slips over your existing button on pants, skirts & jeans, and adds a whole extra inch to tight fitting waistbands. Button Extender saves the hassle of costly visits to the tailor too. Set of 4 Button Extenders included.

Costly visits to the tailor? I'm afraid that the target market for this item (fat old men who could care less about their appearance, especially when pairing khaki pants with denim shirts) stopped going to the tailor long ago.

A set of four? Wow! On really bad days, you can string them together and get FOUR inches more out of your pants! Never buy pants again! Until the inner thighs wear out from all the friction.

(I could have totally used these during those long holiday months, but a nice stomach virus fixed things right up!)

Is It Leopard Season Already?


DECORATIVE TOILET COVERS Decorative toilet lid covers instantly change your bathroom decor in three easy steps - just peel, place and press. Reusable, won't leave a sticky residue. Hygienic vinyl wipes clean. Fits most round lids, 16 3/4 x 12 1/2". $9.98

And, as you can see, they all go perfectly with the bathroom in the photo. Just imagine that scary leopard print in that blue bathroom. Finally, something to end that eons-old debate over leaving the seat up. This seat will always be up now.

I'd Rather Use My Sleeve


PHOTO TISSUE BOX Photo tissue box cover is a real "pick"-me-up when you're feeling under the weather. Just add a favorite picture of a family member, friend or pet. Tissues dispense humorously through the snout, making it easier to face colds and allergies. Plastic, 10 x 5 3/4". $9.98

Who comes up with these things? What's so funny about pulling a tissue out of this baby's mouth? Is that where they come from? You know what? In the wrong hands, and with the right photo, this could be really entertaining. I'd love to see a toilet paper dispenser based on this concept.

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A New Way to Play With Your Food


CANDLE CARVER Fruit Candle Corer turns fruit and veggies into unique candleholders! Carves out niche just the right size for your tealight candle. Great to use for centerpieces, place setting decorations, or home decor. Metal.
Your Price: $14.98

Do not adjust your screens. What you are seeing is real, courtesy of the folks at Taylor Gifts. I think the government should intervene on this one: get a list of every person that has ever purchased this, track them down, kidnap them, beat the shit out of them, and drop them off in some poverty stricken country where apples and pears are killed for.

Also works great with meat, fish, pizza and burgers! The possibilities are endless! Just use your imagination!

Here Comes The Bride!

Sorry no posts the last few days, but I was away at a wedding down in Alabama. Here are some pictures of the happy bride and groom, Cletus and Lorraine. (click to enlarge)

Grin And Bear It

A Lil Leg

A Warm Embrace

A Shoulder To Cry On
You are looking at the new mascots for You May Also Like... Now's your chance to vote for your favorite picture. The winning shot will be featured prominently on the masthead. Vote NOW!

a) Grin and Bear It
b) A Lil' Leg
c) A Warm Embrace
d) A Shoulder To Cry On

Must be 18 or older. Void where prohibited. Must be legal resident of the United States. And I mean it.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Politics Stink


I don't normally get political, but I thought this was worth noting. As New Yorkers freaked out over a mysterious gas smell, our fearless mayor was quoted as saying, "It may just be an unpleasant smell."

So, it's like a really bad chili fart, then? Whatever. I'm sure it was nothing, even though it was bad enough to evacuate several buildings, including the Empire State Building and Macy's. (I do get some sick pleasure out of the Macy's part, after having to elbow my way through an ocean of idiotic, rude tourists to get my watch resized last week.) And I'm sure we'll never know who or what is responsible for this, just like that mysterious maple syrup smell that freaked everyone out last year. PR at it's best.

Because Cheapskates Get Drunk Too


Quiz Time! What the hell is this?
a) chic laboratory beaker
b) portable toilet
c) breast milk pump
d) coffee press
e) ugly vase from MoMA
f) pasta maker
g) bottle of vinegar
h) the world's first vacuum decanter! (or, Biggest Waste of Money for 2007)

Barf, barf, barfity barf! Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, it's the V1, the World’s First Vacuum Decanter! V1? Sounds like an electric car from GM. Was "Retardo Wine Decanter" already taken? I'll bet you want to know more. Here are some quotes from their website.

Vacuum-preserves your wine right in the decanter.
Puke.
No need to funnel wine left in the decanter back into bottle.
Who does this? I have never not finished a bottle of wine. Do you know what kind of people pour wine back in the bottle? Cheapskates, losers and loners. "Sorry everyone, we'll have to save this for next time..." (room fills with boos, furniture is overturned)
Hand-blown, lead-free Crystal Decanter.
They tell you this, because they are hoping that will clinch the decision for you. "But all my other wine pumps are Waterford Crystal..."
Easy-to-read gauge tell you when you have pumped the right vacuum.

Yes, this should be loads of fun to do after a few glasses of wine, like that stupid wine bottle holder. And it's guaranteed to kill any momentum that your little party has managed to achieve.
Includes Crystal Decanter (52 oz.); Vacuum Stopper Assembly; Vacuum Pump. Life sold separately. 80 wasted dollars.

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(Major kudos to Matt at Brandspankin' who found this lovely item in the New York Times Magazine.)

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm Crashin' It


CAR TRAY AND STORAGE BIN. Swiveling car tray. Eat on the go, and keep your car clean! No more spilled food and drink in your lap or seats. Nine inch round tray table fits into car's cup-holder. Features 1" high, no-spill rim, and non-skid surface. Arm swivels, raises and lowers to convenient position. Plastic, 9 x 2½ x 1". Was: $39.98Now: $14.98

Attention Porkers! Finally! A way to make it easier for you pigs to eat nasty fast food and drive your Ford Expedition at the same time! Put one in the back seat so your kids can grow up to be just as fat, nasty and obnoxious as you are! Awesome! And don't worry that it doesn't have an integrated cupholder, because you'll probably slurp down that xxxx-large supersized Diet Coke before you leave the drive-thru anyway.

Que Basura!


Now that the holidays are over, I'm thinking about planning my next vacation. Should I go to Paris? Or back to Mexico? I'm totally undecided, as usual. What should I--What's that? I can see both Paris and Mexico and never leave New York City? Plus I can decorate my house at the same time? Pinch me, dammit! I hope the coop board approves.

WALL MURALS Wall murals are an easy way to add ambiance in any room. Feel like you're walking along the French countryside with a magnificent window, or turn your home into a tropical paradise with the large palm tree. Printed on pre-pasted vinyl- coated paper. Simply soak in water and apply. Window, 51 x 32". Palm, 65 x 43". $39.98

What?


Do you know that old saying, "Never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear?" Well, the folks at Taylor Gifts certainly haven't.

EAR WAX CLEANER Cordless ear wax cleaner safely and easily suctions out wax. Powerful, yet gentle suction removes embedded wax without injury. Compact, includes stand. Requires two AA batteries, not included. 5½ x 3¾". $14.98

Go completely deaf, for only $14.98, you cheap son of a bitch! Also available: the EYE CLEANER, only $9.98

Papa Can You Hear Me?

Dear Times Square Area Papa John's (or, Douchebags of the Week):
Answer your fucking phone already! Or, get your old manager back who used answer the damn phone before the 11:00 "official" opening. Who do you guys think you are that you can't--or won't answer the phone before 11:00? Today, I gave up after calling up until 11:15 and ordered from your rivals. Do you know how many times we've ordered from you? Don't you want to make money so that you, too, can live in a brick mansion on 16 acres in Kentucky, like your founder? I did have plenty of time to check out your hilarious "gallery of quality" on your website, where your mass-produced pre-fab pizza is presented to us as serious quality control. What. Ever. Here are some screen captures to remind you.

It's a little scary how none of your pizzas ever have bubbles. That sounds a little suspicious. The phrase, "perfected in the laboratory" comes to mind. Okay, the crust on this pizza looks downright plastic. Are you guys for real?
I don't see a drop of sauce in this picture (except for the inset photo). Am I supposed to believe it's there just because you're pointing at it?"Cut in equal slices and placed together." Wow, thanks Papa! I'm so sick of opening a box of pizza only to find uneven slices stacked on top of each other!
This is my favorite screen capture. What's the Caution label for? They're not giving you the bag, so I guess they want you to know that they care about their delivery boys.