Monday, December 31, 2007

(all two of you)

Friday, December 28, 2007

When a Football Jersey Just Won't Do

In looking at this, I can't imagine the target market.

Oh, yes I can.

JOHN: Hey guys, come on in. The game's about to start. Have a seat. Honey? Can you bring in some beers?


LARRY: Your wife is here?

JOHN: Yeah, but it's cool. She's totally into football now. I don't know where it came from.

VANESSA: Hey guys! Here are some beers and I have a surprise for you! (sticks plug in wall, fugly thing lights up in window above TV) Ta-DA! Isn't it cute? Look at all those pretty lights!!! I just LOVE it! It was only 30 dollars at Taylor Gifts dot com! You guys want one? Nevermind, I got you one anyway. Oops! I just spoiled the surprise. Hee! Hee! Oh, well. Look the game is starting! I think I'll just squeeze in between you guys there. Isn't this fun! Weeee! Go Yankees!

[Taylor Gifts]

Double-sided lighted NFL player is sure to score big with football fans. Each wire- hologram figure sports official team colors and logo, spectacularly high-lighted by a dazzling array of lights. Decorate a window at home - just plug in to showcase your support. Comes with plastic suction cup, 20". $29.98

Sticks and Stones

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to get attacked with a stick while attending a barbeque?

Well, now you can wonder no more, thanks to the Fiesta Belted Pant Set. The people over at Midnight Velvet swear you'll be "the life of the party" in what I can only describe as a pinata costume. Better watch out for those kids because they tend to go for the knees! You might want to keep some candy on hand to throw at them for a quick escape.

You'll be the life of the party in this vibrant set! Fabulous stretch and brilliant summer colors create a non-stop energy in fuchsia and fiery summer orange. Vested duster flows over a tunic-style top with 3/4 length "batwing" sleeves. Pant has an elastic waist and tapered leg. (31" inseam in size M). A matching two-color sash belt ties it all together. Polyester matte jersey; machine wash. Made in USA and imported. [midnight velvet]

Guess How Much: Dining Edition

Guess How Much for this shiny napkin holder!

Is it:
A) $19.99?
B) $ 29.99?
C) $ 56.00?
D) $115.00?
E) none of the above

Click Read More to find out.

E) none of the above. You are not worthy of this napkin holder, peasants, for it is from MoMA and costs a ridiculous $120.00. Why anyone would choose this over something similar at Bed Bath and Beyond, I'll never know. Maybe it's for artsy fartsy snobs people who like to bring dinner to a screeching halt with condescending lines like: "That napkin holder you're viciously pawing at was thoughtfully-designed by Peter Holmblad in 1996 and is well crafted from stainless steel. Did you know that? No? I didn't think you did."

Napkin Holder Peter Holmblad, 1996 The sliding bar on this thoughtfully-designed napkin holder adjusts for capacity of napkins and holds them securely in place. Well crafted from stainless steel, it is dishwasher safe.$120.00 [MoMA]

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Egg on My Face

Now, my first thought upon spotting this at Horchow was, "What the hell are you going to do with an ugly, impractical, egg-shaped end table?"

And then I saw the size. Seven inches tall. Inches.

And then I saw the price. $3500. In case you're frantically trying to find the decimal point in there, stop now. It's at the end. THREE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. For a fucking reproduction. God only knows what the original cost.

A reproduction of the 1901 imperial egg. 24-kt. gold-plated metal finished with hand-applied guilloche enamel, faux pearls, and Austrian crystals. 4.5"Dia. x 7"T with stand. $3500

How'd We Get in Bed So Fast?

The Laundry Clock is exactly what you'd think it is--at first glance. A fugly, plastic laundry-themed clock. But did you know that it's actually magic? Yes. According to the folks at Harriet Carter, the magical laundry clock will actually speed up time when you look at it, making the tortuous job much easier!

The scientists over at the Harriet Carter Institute for the Advancement of Time and Space (or THCIFTAOTAS) are working around the clock (pun intended) to discover other uses for this incredible new technology. New ideas include: The Work Clock (makes work fly by, sure to be a hot seller), the Checkout Clock (for supermarkets and fast food restaurants run by bitter, apathetic high school kids) and the Flirt Clock (designed for singles bars, gets you in bed that much faster with the person you are flirting with)

Laundry Clock adds a decorative touch to any laundry room. Washing, sorting, folding and ironing can be a drag, but all your chores will seem to go faster with this charming, wall-mounted timepiece. Quartz accurate movement. Uses 1 AA battery (not incl.). 9" W x 5-3/4" H. $14.98

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Programming Note

Twinkie Tuesdays will return on January 1st. (Damn holidays are throwing everything off over here)

Monday, December 24, 2007

Or, You Could Just Spray Windex On Your Socks

Here's a riddle for you: What sells more than sex?
Give up?

Lazy sells more than sex. I mean, this has to be the definitive proof.

Wendy: God, that floor is soooo dirtyyyyy and I haaaate sweeping and crawling around on my hands and knees to clean it. Isn't there an easier way? I mean, if we can put a man on the moooon...
Joanne: You're totally right. You look exhausted from doing nothing at all but watching TV and complaining about your life. You should put your feet up on this here ottoman.
Wendy: Thanks. Aah, that's soooo much betterrrr.
Joanne: Jesus, your socks are filthy! It's like you cleaned the floor with them.
Wendy: I know, it's like...OH. MY. GOD! I have an idea! We're gonna be rich!

Dust mop slippers cleans the floor while you walk! Now you don't have to get on your hands and knees for a sparkling clean floor. Comfortable canvas with cotton thread bottoms pick up dirt, dust and pet hair, perfect for hard-to-reach spots. One size fits all, 10 x 6. $7.98

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Guess How Much: On the Rags

Guess How Much for this colorful chair?

A) $560
B) $100
C) You can't have it, for it is "art".
D) $3,892
Click Read More for the answer and another picture.

D) $3,892 (yes, I know I make this too easy). And judging by the picture above, at least one person has buyer's remorse.

Apparently this is what happens to when you drop off clothes at the Salvation Army in the Netherlands (assuming they have that there). Designer Tejo Remy
buys up the whole rack, carts them back to his studio, and makes what's probably the stinkiest chair in existence. Ultra absorbent, I guarantee that no amount of Febreeze is going to make this smell fresh after a week.

Rag Chair. Design: Tejo Remy 1993.
Re-use of clothing makes a comfortable chair. Each chair in unique!. Numbered edtion. In collection of the Dutch Textile Museum, Tilburg, Netherlands. Material: Rags, steel strips. Size: 23.4"x 23.4" x 43"$3892

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 10: Candle-drama

"This was a spur-of-the-moment idea. I had leftover fruit, but not enough Twinkies to give each of the gals at my candle-making party her own. This recipe saved the day."


Twinkies Kebabals

10 Twinkies
20 Large marshmallows
About 60 pieces or chunks of fruit, such as pitted cherries, pineapple chunks, and mandarin orange slices

Cut each Twinkie crosswise into quarters. Thread alternating pieces of Twinkies, marshmallows, and fruit onto wooden skewers. Serve at once.

First off, what the fuck is a kebabal? It's kebab, Dianne, kebab. Second, you couldn't just serve fruit salad and call it a day? Is the candle-making crowd that discriminating? Sheesh.

Personally, I'd have made a game out of it. "Alright girls, last one standing gets all the Twinkies!" Just imagine how popular your candle-making parties will be after that!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Wrap Star

When it comes to dressing up for the holidays, I'm not one to reach for the tie with the Christmas trees on it, or the sweater with the tacky reindeer or snowman.
But some people just can't help themselves, no matter what the age.

Mary: Do you like my festive polyester scarf with silky sheen?
Jeannie: No. You look like you were attacked by a roll of wrapping paper.

Flaunting bright Christmas prints with silky sheen, these scarves transform ordinary outfits into holiday sensations! Wonderfully wearable and perfect for giving, each is designed in vibrant polyester with versatile oblong shape. Hand wash. 59" long x 13" wide. Imported. $8.99

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Eat Your Heart Out, Olive Garden

You know you've got issues when something as pointlessly hideous as this ends up in your kitchen.

Although, I know that if I had a prized bottle of wine, I would want it displayed as though it were sitting next to the cash register of a tacky Italian chain restaurant in Times Square. Available at Taylor Gifts

Cask bottle holder with matching topper is an impressive display for your prized bottle of vino. Tasteful setting features three old-fashioned wine barrels surrounded by luscious bunches of grapes. Coordinating cork topper, too! Resin, 9 1/2 x 4 x 6". $29.98

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Not Even Barbie Would Have These

Take a look at the following image and answer the quiz below.

What's easier?
A) Hammering a single nail in the wall and hanging a mirror?
B) Spending hours (or days) trying to align cheap vinyl adhesive mirror tiles on the wall only to end up like you live in a cheap toy doll house? And then constantly bobbing and weaving to get an idea of what you really look like through these wavy fucking "mirrors".

Self adhesive mirror tiles. Now you can see yourself just about anywhere. Instantly enhance (and visually enlarge!) a room by placing stylish, adhesive 4 x 4 mirror tiles on any flat surface. Get creative and design unique patterns. Ideal in bathrooms, the back of doors and more. Innovative and attractive! Set of twenty. $9.98 [taylor gifts]

You're Better Off Pretending You're Deaf

Do you like modern art? Ever have a hard time convincing people that you're not a pretentious douchebag because you shop at MoMA? Well, buy their $150 "Zub 20 Zot Watch" and all that goes out the window:

What time is it? Hello, I asked, 'What time is it?' Are you deaf? Why are you staring at your watch like that? What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you tell time? For fuck's sake!

This stylish unisex watch with a durable rubber band presents a graphic way to tell time. Hours are shown as a progression of 12 dots, minutes are depicted on an incremental horizontal line below, and a small window displays seconds as numbers and toggles to show the date. Includes an alarm, a stopwatch, and a backlit LCD display. Waterproof to 90 feet. Battery included. $150

Moma Store


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 9: That's NOT Italian

"When my sister returned from living in Italy for a time, she grew homesick for the desserts she had enjoyed there. So I decided to try my hand at tiramisu, but replaced the ladyfingers with Twinkies, which we had all grown up on. She liked it just as much as the original!"


1 (3.4 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix
1 3/4 cups milk
1/4 cup Amaretto
1 cup strong coffee, warmed
1 tablespoon sugar
1/4 cup Kahlua
2 cups frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed
10 Twinkies

Unsweetened cocoa, for dusting
In a bowl, combine the pudding mix, milk, and Amaretto and whisk. Set aside until quite thick.

In a separate, small bowl, combine the coffee, sugar, and Kahlua and mix until the sugar dissolves. Refrigerate until cool. Line a baking sheet with waxed paper and set the Twinkies on the paper. Slowly drizzle the coffee mixture over each Twinkie, allowing the liquid to soak in.

Fold the whipped topping into the pudding mixture. Spoon one-third of the pudding mixture into an 8 by 8 inch baking dish.

Arrange the Twinkies evenly over the pudding. Spoon the remaining pudding over the Twinkies.

Refrigerate for 1 hour, or until set. Dust with cocoa just before serving.

Because I know that if I lived in Italy for a while, I would come back and let my sister substitute the main ingredient of a classic Italian dessert with off-the-shelf American junk food.

Stick a Cork in it

Oh, sweet irony. You would expect a website like Wine Enthusiast to sell things like wine racks, corkscrews and glassware. But you wouldn't expect them to push something as ridiculous as this:

I really don't get this. At all.
The point of the Wine Glass Holder Necklace is, as you might expect, to allow you to keep your hands free at parties by "keeping your wine close at heart." (Yeah, I almost puked too.)

Who is that busy at a party that they need both hands free? I thought the whole point of holding a glass at a party was to avoid too much contact with people you don't care for. Now that your hands are free, people are going to try to hug you. Do you really want that?

But what I really want to know is: How will this look on a woman? And who will pick up the dry cleaning tab when her breasts inadvertently tilt the glass right into her cleavage and she ends up looking like Carrie? (at least from the chest down)

Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip! $24.95 [wine enthusiast]

Monday, December 10, 2007

Just Imagine Their Breath

I was thinking about what it's going to be like when I'm "old". Despite the fact that I'm in my 30's and still have the mentality of a 12-year old, I know it's coming. I'll turn the corner and BAM! I'm in a walker, despite not smoking, staying out of the sun and exercising regularly. (Although my hands will likely be the first to go as a result of all my time spent in front of a computer) I'll probably have dentures too, but I can't imagine what you'd have to eat and drink to end up having teeth this yellow. Maybe develop an obsession with carrots? Oranges? Chew on yellow crayons? I think I might buy this and rinse with it, you know, just as a precaution.


Denture Stain Away instantly removes plaque, tartar and stains to leave you with a whiter, brighter smile! Easy to use. Just apply with brush conveniently built in under the cap. Stains and odors dissolve in 15-30 seconds. 4 oz. bottle. $7.98

How Did Everyone Get a Headache at the Same Time?

Have you ever wondered why it is that no one likes you? Have you spent hours trying to figure out why your parties are boring and people leave after just a few minutes? Maybe it's because you decided to put this in your bathroom.

Butler bathroom set adds a touch of class! Keep the area around the bowl tidy with this whimsical toilet seat cover (18 x 15") and rug (25 x 24") featuring a friendly mustachioed servant properly dressed in a stylish tux. Also serves as a reminder to keep the toilet seat down. Polyester. $19.98

French Toast

Sigh. Sometimes I come across a vacation photo from some far away land that I've never been to and wonder what it must be like. I've been to Mexico, I've been to the UK, but I've never been to Paris. I've always been curious. What's it like? What are the people like? Who will I meet? What will I see?

Apparently Paris is overrun by badly dressed college kids (or contenders for The Amazing Race). They can not afford hotel rooms so they simply wander the streets like gypsies, mattress-sized backpacks in tow. They are too "independent" to ask a complete stranger to take their picture, yet they'll gladly hold their expensive digital cameras at the end of a stick for plucking by thieves on motor scooters. It's only a matter of time before these dolts find their way to New York City, where, in addition to having their wallets stolen, they'll be beaten to death with their stupid camera tripod by some burned out, needs-a-tropical-vacation-thousands-of-miles-away-from-everything blogger.

Extendable Handheld Tripod Stop asking strangers to take pictures of you and companion while you travel. Now you can do it yourself! Built-in easy view mirror helps frame image perfectly leaving no heads chopped or background details out. Lightweight, handheld, extendable tripod fits any camera or camcorder with standard tripod mount. 3 1/2 oz pole extends 18" and closes to 7 1/2" for back pack storage. Polycarbonate and aluminum. $29.98

Friday, December 07, 2007

Tea Bag Cover Saves Lives

This little item is called the Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover. As you can see from the demonstration below, it's designed for those fearful of burning mutilating their hands while handling hot tea bags. An epidemic here in the US. God only knows what the Brits are doing about this. I don't know, this just strikes me as something that needs it's own commercial, don't you think?

Male voice-over: Tea has been around for billions and billions of years. From the cavemen, who drank mint tea after slaughtering the dinosaurs, (footage of cavemen drinking tea) to Jesus Christ himself, who enjoyed afternoon tea with his apostles! (footage of JC drinking tea with apostles) Unfortunately, getting that hot tea bag out of the cup has always been a disaster. (grainy black and white footage of tea cup spilling on woman's hand, mug crashing to floor, ambulance siren wailing in background)

Hi, I'm Cathy Mitchell, here with an amazing new product; the Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover! Now you can enjoy a delicious and healthy cup of tea at any time, without the fear of death or permanent scarring (footage of scar victims crying and drinking coffee instead).

After you pour the scalding hot water into your mug, just place the Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover over the top, leaving the teabag string outside. When you're ready for your hot cup of tea, simply grab the string, lift and fold the durable plastic cover to squeeze the teabag, and you'll get every last drop! You'll protect your hands from severe burns and no one will die! Best of all, it's portable! Put it in your purse when you're out and about and never worry about fear of death by tea again!

The Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover comes in white or white and makes a unique and cherished gift for anyone you know who loves tea and hates pain! And it's perfect for wimps and crybabies too!

Order now and we'll give you a second Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover absolutely free! Just pay $10.95 shipping and handling.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: For the Birds

Tea Bag Squeezer and Cup Cover. Get the most flavor out of your teabags with this nifty tea bag squeezer that doubles as a lid to keep tea hot for longer. Shell clamps securely shut to squeeze all liquid from tea bags, grips string so you always have control. Keep fingers safe from hot tea. Plastic. $3.95

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Pole Position

What do you get for the woman who has everything this holiday season? Well, you get her a portable stripper pole, of course. This one claimes to be portable, as well as (I kid you not) safe and strong enough to support 300 pounds. Just imagine the inertia and lateral g-forces exerted by a 300 pound woman (or man) spinning around uncontrollably on this thing. I say "uncontrollably" because you just know that's what's going to happen the first time around as people attempt to reenact scenes from Showgirls in the privacy of their living room. Then imagine the structural damage to your ceiling. No word on how many steel bolts are required to make this "safe and strong enough to support 300 pounds". At least now I have an idea what's causeing all the noise from the apartment above me. That silly whore. Click Read More for more details and specs.

Spice up your home life with this strong, safe, dancing pole that you can actually swing, spin and hang upside down on. Not only is it exotic entertainment for you and your partner, it's also a fun exercise outlet.

Included instructional DVD teaches a complete beginner/intermediate routine including multiple pole dancing moves that can be mixed and matched, dance tips, techniques, diagrams and more.

Pole assembles and comes apart in minutes. Easy to store when not in use. Stainless steel construction. Supports up to 300 lbs. Fits ceilings 7'5" to 8'5", at least 6.5 foot dia. clearance needed. $119.98

No Peeking

Now, I don't know about you, but when I think "Mrs. Claus", I automatically think "Twenty-something Hooters Waitress with Sixty-something Old Lady Face and Dated Golden Girls Hairdo". I mean, how else did this pointless apron make it all the way to production?

This is creepy, in a Silence of the Lambs sort of way, and that's besides the teenaged girl-sized figure depicted on the apron. Click Read More to see another reason why this will scare more people than it will entertain.

Yeah, baby. Nothing is hotter than simulated crotch this holiday season, complete with ill-fitted, dollar-store polyester panties. This is, of course, for dorky women with little to no self respect who want badly to relive their rebellious youth but require a full bottle of Jack Daniels before showing you the real thing. And Thank God for that.

Put a smile on your guests' faces when you don this hot little number, complete with Christmas cleavage, come-hither garters, and marabou-tinsel trim! And don't forget to lift the skirt for an added flash! This is one present your Old St. Nick will rush to unwrap! $24.98

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Santa Claus Ain't Comin To Your Town

Record-a-message photo ornament plays a personal message you record creating a cherished keepsake to hang on holiday tree year after year. Push button to play 12-second message. Holds 1 1/2 x 1 1/2" photo. On/off switch. 3". Plastic. Requires 4 AA batteries, not included. $17.98

As if the holidays weren't tacky enough. For about 20 bucks, you can have this fugtacular, plastic, battery-operated orb to hang on your tree, right next to your NFL ornament. Of course, the real fun is recording over the message when no one is looking. "Yeah, this is Santa Claus. If I catch you buying any more recordable, battery-operated shit again, I'm gonna to put a fucking bullet in your head."

Time for a Divorce

The Atomic Talking Watch is apparently so much more, although from the picture, it looks like it's worth a lot less than its 60 dollar price tag (which cereal box did this fall out of?) At the push of a button, this waste of money will "announce" the time for you in a pleasant voice (as pleasant as an cheap answering machine, I'm sure), to save your ancient eyes from straining to see the tiny numbers. It also claims to automatically set the date and time, but I don't see a date on these watches, which means that if you only want to know the date, you have to press the button and embarrass yourself in front of total strangers.

Honey, what day is it?

Hold on, let me find the button. (click) "The time is now eight fifty-three p.m."

No, Harry. I said what DAY is it?

Christ, I don't know how to make it work, Diane. Just ask the waiter, will ya?

(Customers look on)

Damn it, Harry. What the fuck day is it?

I don't know! It won't... (presses wrong button) "The time is now eight fifty-four p.m."

You're useless. I want a divorce.

Here's an idea. Get yourself a digital watch.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 8: Operation Substitution

"While preparing a recipe for a Fourth of July party, I realized I was missing a few key ingredients. It was too late to go to the store, so I began looking for substitutes and used some of the Twinkies I had on hand. Twinkies gave the dessert a distinctive taste, and I've never gone back to the old recipe!"

Patriotic Twinkie Pie
1 (6-ounce) package blueberry Jell-O
3 cups boiling water
1 (16-ounce) bag frozen blueberries
1 (6-ounce) package Strawberry Jell-O
1 (16-ounce) bag frozen sliced strawberries in syrup
6 to 7 Twinkies, broken or torn into 1-inch pieces
2 (5.1 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix
6 cups milk
1 container frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed

In a bowl, combine the blueberry Jell-O and 1 1/2 cups of the boiling water and stir until dissolved. Add the blueberries and stir until blended and slightly thickened. Allow to cool completely.

In another bowl, combine the strawberry Jell-O and remaining 1 1/2 cups boiling water and stir until dissolved. Add the strawberries and stir until blended and slightly thickened. Allow to cool completely.

Place half of the Twinkies pieces in a 6-quart glass bowl or trifle dish. In a separate bowl, combine the pudding mix and milk and stir according to the package instructions. Spoon half of the pudding over the Twinkies.

Spoon the blueberry mixture over the pudding, spreading evenly. Top with the remaining Twinkie pieces. Spoon the remaining pudding over the Twinkies, spreading evenly. Spoon the strawberry mixture over the pudding, spreading evenly.

Cover and refrigerate for several hours or overnight, until completely chilled and set. Top with the whipped topping just before serving.

Yet another miraculous substitution! Don't you love how many people actually keep Twinkies on hand like this? It lends credibility to the myth that these have an incredible shelf life. "When my daughter cut herself down to the bone, we had no gauze, so I substituted Twinkies, which soaked up all the blood so we could get her to the hospital. When we got home, we made Patriotic Twinkie Pie."

Monday, December 03, 2007

Stainless Steel Thighs

I was in the middle of compiling a list of those tacky As Seen on TV products when I saw this. Drop everything and turn on your speakers.

Watch the video and listen to the lyrics. Sure to be a karaoke hit in the near future.

Or You Could Watch the Travel Channel

Do you like to travel? Ever wish you had nice vacation pictures to show off, but you never get to go anywhere because you can't afford it (but can easily afford this thing)? Well just slap this up on the wall and wait for the ooohs and aaahs from your friends and family. It features an array of generic vacation photos that scroll across the screen much like that 8th grade project where you made a TV out of two paper towel tubes, a cardboard box and a bunch of your pictures taped together end to end. Will impress no one and confuse all.

Tim: Wow, are those pictures from your vacation?
Bob: Umm, yes.
Tim: Really? Where are you?
Bob: I couldn't find anyone to take a picture of me.
Tim: Okay... You know that palm tree photo looks awfully familiar. Like the one I have as my screensaver on my computer.
Bob: It's the most photographed palm tree in the world.
Tim: Well, how come you only have 8 pictures?
Bob: It was a very short roll of film.
Tim: Okay...I'm going to leave now.

Changeable motion mirror features eight scenes! Instantly transform the look and feel of your home by rotating one of eight illuminated mirror-framed photos featuring shimmering sunsets, tropical beaches or tranquil mountain views. Sounds of moving water or soothing music enhance the setting. Included remote control, on/off and volume switches. Glass, 39 x 3 x 19". $99.98 [taylor gifts]