Friday, November 30, 2007
Snow Angel Mantle Piece - She's a vision of beauty that will grace your mantel with the blessings of the season. Twinkling with the effervescence of fiber optic light, this doll's dressed in a fur-trimmed cape and sparkling gown. Includes 65"L x 14 1/2"W snowflake bedecked mantel scarf. Requires 2 "AA" batteries (not included). Doll 13 1/2"H. Imported $14.99
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Alright, ladies, how many pounds will these fucking hideous, horizontally striped boots add to your legs this holiday season?
C) Don't ask. Too many for me to cope with
D) Please. I'm not stupid enough to fall for that
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
"My family loves chocolate and mint together. When we make shakes, we like to thicken them up with cakes and cookies. Twinkies just seemed to be the perfect complement to our grasshopper concoction."
LORI KIMBLE, MASCOUTAH, ILLINOIS
2 1/3 cups milk
4 chocolate-covered mint cookies
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
3 cups vanilla ice cream
In a blender, combine 2 cups of the milk and the Twinkies and blend for 5 to 10 seconds. Add the cookies and the syrup and blend until smooth, then add the ice cream and blend until smooth once again. Pour in the remaining 1/3 cup milk and blend until thoroughly mixed. Serve at once.
The part the editors left out: "And when we run out of Twinkies, we like to substitute burritos and salsa for a spicy Mexican twist, or lasagna noodles and ricotta cheese, for a little taste of I-talian!"
I'd like to see just how all this "thickening" is having an effect on the Kimble family.
I've always wanted to know what the love child of a pair of stilettos and converse baseketball shoes would look like. Where's a coat hanger when you need one? This is one baby that should have been aborted.
ZINC Lace-up bootie. A fashion-forward look with a romantic past. Imported cotton/polyester. 3 1/2" heel. $89
Monday, November 26, 2007
Guide Lights Glow-in-the-dark-spray-on Snow! Give your trailer park a pointless, eerie, sci-fi glow this holiday season without the need for expensive, hard to hang lights. Good for the environment Only $2.98
Friday, November 23, 2007
Mike: Alright, guys, we need a new banner for our Christmas catalog. Give me some ideas.
Bob: Let's go with maybe an angel motif?
Mike: Okay, that's a good start, angels are very in this Christmas. What else?
Tony: Tassles! It's gonna need tassles. It'll be like church. And a brass-tone rod, too!.
Bob: But I think the angel should be huge, like she's about to land on a small sleepy village and attack. But we'll market it like she's a "guardian angel."
Mike: Did you watch Godzilla last night, Bob?
Mike: (sighs) Well, how does everyone feel about fiber optic lights?
Bob: Oh, my God. Can we keep it under 15 bucks?
Mike: I don't see why not. Let's get the guys from China on the phone.
Enjoy an inspirational and celestial twinkle with this unique wall hanging. Beautiful scene of Guardian Angel watching over a country village, with sparkling fiber optic lights. Hangs from brass-tone rod with tasseled trim. Req. 3 "AAA" batteries (not incl.). 31"H x 26 1/2"W. Imported $14.99
That something interesting is here. (thanks to S* on this one)
Click Read More.
Their little one will be snug as a cub in a rug—and undeniably cute—in this super-soft bear blanket. Babies love to be swaddled and it's never been easier than with our clever blanket. They just place baby in the center, fold the paws and fasten. It will soon become a snuggly favorite. Exclusively from RedEnvelope.
made of velvety-soft and plush polyester fits infants up to six months imported. $40 [red envelope]
And, as S* pointed out, look what the bad photoshopping has done to this baby's head.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
This outfit by L.A. designer Rachel Pally is made from stretchy fabric that's both lightweight and super soft. "It barely feels like you're wearing anything!" Oprah says. The turtleneck and pants are available in sizes 2 to 24 and come in four colors—purple, navy, teal and brown. Turtleneck and pants, $141, and $194 respectively.Now, don't get me wrong. I like Oprah a lot. I think she's fun, smart (billionaires aren't stupid) and probably gives awesome gifts for Christmas, but these look like something you'd slip into if you wanted to blend in with the curtains while spying on your ex.
Whatever you guessed, you weren't even close.
A fallen tree can serve as a seat. The addition of bronze classical chair backs makes it a proper piece of furniture, a crossing between nature and culture. Jurgen Bey makes clear that it is ridiculous to transport trees when they are locally available. Therefore only the chair backs are for sale. Material: Bronze.
That's right. 15 grand for three metal chairbacks. And you still have to go out and chop down some poor unsuspecting tree. Don't believe me? Go here.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
KAREN ONEY, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
Twinkie Banana Split
4 bananas, halved lengthwise
1 quart vanilla ice cream
1 (12-ounce) jar strawberry ice cream topping
1 (12-ounce) jar pineapple ice cream topping
1 cup frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed
1/2 cup chopped cashews
4 maraschino cherries
Place 1 Twinkie in each of the 4 banana split dishes and arrange a banana half on either side of each Twinkie. Place 2 small scoops of ice cream with each Twinkie. Top with the strawberry and pineapple toppings and a dollop of whipped topping. Sprinkle on the cashews and top with a cherry. Serve at once.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Note to self: always wear boots and drink heavily so as to inflict the maximum damage when encountering this in person.
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Thursday, November 15, 2007
Whitey Tighty farting keychain
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Denim purse - Available in blue denim/blue lace, blue denim/white lace, white denim/white lace, ivory denim/ivory lace.
Guess how much for this wonderfully crafted, ultra chic western wedding purse?
D) 76 dollars for something that looks like a craft project gone awry - from 1986
Melissa: Over here?
Photographer: Yeah, that's good. Y'all ready?
Melissa: Yeah. Should I pose?
Photographer: Yeah, maybe pull yer dress up a lil to show off your boot.
Melissa: Like this?
Photographer: Perfect! Ready? One...two...
Melissa: Oh, wait, I have a wedgie! Don't--
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
PETER SHERIDAN, WASHINGTON, D.C.
4 (10-to 12-inch) flour tortillas, warmed
Who says money doesn't grow on trees? Here's your chance to prove that it does. Inside each candle there is $1 in coins or a $5, $10, $20, or even $50 bill! Burn candle to collect cash. Gift boxed, instructions for burning. 6" high. $14.99 (was $18.99)
A surefire disaster waiting to happen. I imagine it would go down like this:
Janet: Okay, Mark, this one is for you...
Mark: Thank you, Janet. (unwraps present, drops wrapping paper on floor) Oh, it's a... lovely...money tree candle. (cringes internally) How nice. How...nice of you. Thank you, Janet. (fake smile)
Janet: But there's more. Inside each candle there is $1 in coins or a $5, $10, $20, or even $50 bill! It's like playing the lottery! Isn't that exciting? Why don't we light it now and see what you've got?
Mark: Okay. Let's just leave it here on the coffee table and have something to drink.
(one hour and several glasses of wine later)
Janet: (drunk, slurred speech) Oh, Mark. Dith I ever tells you how what a hanthome man you are?
Mark: And you're pretty too! (glances at candle) Hey! The candle ith all finith up! Leths thee what I got. What the hell, Janet? You're nasty!
Click Read More to find out.
After buying this chair, your wallet will be full of holes for a very long time, because the answer is:
"The holes are through and trough and form a decoration that makes a light but steady chair. This chair is one out of a series of objects with holes, developed by Gijs Bakker. Limited Editon of 50 Pieces!! designer: Gijs Bakker (NL) material: Maple wood"
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
What's the strangest part of the American Glory Fiber Optic Globe?
A) That the flag is coming out of the eagle's ass
B) That the flag is being dragged all over those rocks
C) That the eagle is protecting what looks like the headset of some Vegas showgirl.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
(note the sad use of the word "exquisite" to describe this) You know, I'm so sick and tired of all the work it takes putting up my Christmas tree, so I think I'll just hang this in the window. Sure to fool the neighbors and make them jealous at the same time.
Or, "What to do with your leftover Halloween costume." I'll bet I see at least one of these in Rockefeller Center this year. And I'm going to snatch it off that unsuspecting tourist's head and beat them with it.
A gift that will become a happy tradition. Numbered birthday candle is the perfect way to mark the passage of those all-too-precious years - from the first birthday to the 21st. Musical button on back will play "Happy Birthday" up to 10,000 times. Great for baby shower or first birthday. Battery included. White candle is 15 1/2" high. Base not included. $21.99
Quiz Time! At what age will the ugly, cheesy Numbered Birthday candle become just an embarrassment?
C) I don't know, because it will be covered in wax before we can ever find out.
D) People buy this shit?
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Wednesday, November 07, 2007
This dress is discontinued because...
C) Drunks love it because it closely resembles vomit, so if you drink too much at the wedding, no one will know but you.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
MAXINE FRANK, CLEARWATER, FLORIDA
Spray food coloring in a variety of colors
3 (7-ounce) jars marshmallow creme
20 maraschino cherries, well drained
6 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup jelly beans
1 (5.9-ounce) package instant chocolate pudding mix
3 cups milk
(Are you grossed out yet?)
Spray the Twinkies with the food coloring, using a variety of colors. Cut each Twinkie in half crosswise.
Spoon the marshmallow creme into a 9 by 13-inch baking dish, covering the bottom completely. Arrange the Twinkies cut side down in the creme, leaving the tops sticking up and out of the creme so they look like Easter eggs. Decorate around the Twinkies with the maraschino cherries, chocolate chips, and jelly beans.
In a bowl, combine the pudding mix and milk and stir according to the package instructions. Chill until thickened.
To serve, spoon 3 to 4 tablespoons of the pudding into each bowl. Scoop up a Twinkie along with some of the marshmallow creme and candies and add to each bowl.
p.s. - This is why Florida keeps getting hit with hurricanes. It's crap like this that pisses off the Easter Bunny.
Here's how I'm hoping all these toys end up.
Jenny: Hi, Carol. I brought my new bible! (holds up bible, smiles)
Carol: Fantastic! Come inside and I'll make us some tea.
Jenny: Alrightie, then!
Carol: Now, Jenny, I have something hysterical to show you! Just wait right there on the couch. I'll be right back.
Carol: Are you ready? Look at this! Puts turtle on coffee table.
Jenny: Oh, how adorable! You bought a turtle? Honey, wouldn't a cat be more fun?
Carol: Oh, silly. Watch! (flips switch)
Turtle: You gotta slow down/you move too fast. You gotta slow down...
Carol: Isn't he cute? We named him Louis.
Jenny: Oh my Lord! He's possessed by Satan! The power of Christ compells you! The power of Christ compells you!!!!! (Jenny gets up, beats turtle with bible. Turtle smashed to bits. No more stupid singing turtle.)
Monday, November 05, 2007
DELUXE GROOMING KIT keeps nails looking their best! Handsome, leather-look case opens to reveal all the essentials for nail care at home or while traveling. Ten-piece set includes trimmer, cutter, and pusher for cuticles, nail file, nail nipper, scissors, small and large clippers, plus tweezers and ear cleaner. 5-3/4" L x 3-1/4" W x 1" H. $7.98
This antique-y looking item is from...
D) Today. You can buy this fugly, antiquated looking "grooming kit" right now. I kid you not.
Drill Sergeant Alarm Clock - AM/FM clock radio is topped with a stern sergeant who awakens even the most sluggish soldier with 3 different commands. Easy-set alarm, digital time & date display, snooze button. Req. 3 "AA" batteries for sound (not incl.). $19.99
How many whacks of a hammer will it take to demolish the annoying Drill Sergeant Alarm Clock?
C) I don't have a hammer, but this is probably flammable anyway.
D) None, because I'm going to feed it to the dog.
See, this wouldn't wake me up. All it would do was give me nightmares about 24-hour M*A*S*H* marathons. AUDIO ALERT! Go here to see this item and get a lovely audio sample.