Friday, November 30, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: Punk Rawk Holiday

I don't know about you, but nothing says Christmas to me like a plastic angel with a fiber optic mohawk.

Snow Angel Mantle Piece - She's a vision of beauty that will grace your mantel with the blessings of the season. Twinkling with the effervescence of fiber optic light, this doll's dressed in a fur-trimmed cape and sparkling gown. Includes 65"L x 14 1/2"W snowflake bedecked mantel scarf. Requires 2 "AA" batteries (not included). Doll 13 1/2"H. Imported $14.99

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Camera Isn't the Only Thing That Adds Pounds

Quiz Time!
Alright, ladies, how many pounds will these fucking hideous, horizontally striped boots add to your legs this holiday season?

A) 2
B) 10
C) Don't ask. Too many for me to cope with
D) Please. I'm not stupid enough to fall for that

ZINC Sweater boot. A cozy look with crochet cachet. Imported cotton. 3 3/4" heel $159

Rub-a-Dub-Dub, There's a Wackjob in the Tub

Cleansing Thoughts. We already know about the renewing, purifying power of water. These soulful accessories complete the bath or shower as a healing ritual. Waterproof inspirational cards attach to your shower wall, ready to read morning when your mind is most open and receptive to positive thoughts. Kit includes 5 laminated affirmation cards, removable wall attachment, a natural bath-oil bead and direction, all tucked in a shimmer sheer drawstring bag. Mad in the USA. $18

Just be sure to hide these in case you have houseguests, otherwise there will be some serious ribbing to endure, and all your work to restore your fragile, child-like self esteem with be lost. (bonus: "the phrase Mad in the USA" comes directly from the SkyMall website.)

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Because Watches Are Obsolte

Introducing TimeMug, the worlds' first and only 100% dishwasher-safe, time-telling drinkware. No travel mug or coffee mug has ever made such an impression. Enjoy your coffee in style whether on the go, at home or in the office. The distinctive clock will ensure that you are never late for an appointment. $24.99

And what happens when you forget this at home? Probably something like this:

Jim: Guys, sorry I'm late. I don't wear a watch, my cell phone doesn't tell time, and I left my TimeMug at home.

Boss: TimeMug? What the hell is a TimeMug?

Jim: TimeMug is the worlds' first and only 100% dishwasher-safe, time-telling drinkware! No travel mug or coffee mug has ever made such an impression. I can enjoy my coffee in style whether I'm on the go, at home or here in the office. The distinctive clock ensures that I'm never late for an appointment...well, until today. Who called security? What's going on?

Western Wedding Wednesdays: Maybe She Saw a Mouse?

You're probably wondering, "Why is that woman on a pedestal?" And the answer is, "I have no idea. No, really. I have no idea why they put this woman on a pedestal, unless she's just ridiculously short or the studio has a rodent problem."

Elegant Country dress with separate lace sleeves. Available in ivory lace over antique satin for an unique contrast(as shown). $350 Straw hat $180

Tis The Season... To Be Farting?

You know what they say about Jerry Garcia inspired farting Santa toys with big feet, right? That's right. They're garbage. AUDIO ALERT! Click here to see this item and hear an audio sample.

Palm Beach Santa - Hang loose and let the laughter fly with this tattooed and totally chilled out Santa. Switch him on and Santa drops his shorts to reveal a holly tattoo on his bottom as he lets out an unexpected fart. In his satin-look polyester camp shirt, cool shades and Jerry Garcia-inspired hair cut, he is sure to relax the mood at your next holiday party. Indoor use only. Requires 3 AA batteries for sound and motion (not incl.). 13"H x 3 3/4"D x 6 3/4"W. $14.99

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 7: Thickening

"My family loves chocolate and mint together. When we make shakes, we like to thicken them up with cakes and cookies. Twinkies just seemed to be the perfect complement to our grasshopper concoction."

Twinkie Grasshopper
2 1/3 cups milk
6 Twinkies
4 chocolate-covered mint cookies
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
3 cups vanilla ice cream

In a blender, combine 2 cups of the milk and the Twinkies and blend for 5 to 10 seconds. Add the cookies and the syrup and blend until smooth, then add the ice cream and blend until smooth once again. Pour in the remaining 1/3 cup milk and blend until thoroughly mixed. Serve at once.

The part the editors left out: "And when we run out of Twinkies, we like to substitute burritos and salsa for a spicy Mexican twist, or lasagna noodles and ricotta cheese, for a little taste of I-talian!"

I'd like to see just how all this "thickening" is having an effect on the Kimble family.

Ugly Baby

I've always wanted to know what the love child of a pair of stilettos and converse baseketball shoes would look like. Where's a coat hanger when you need one? This is one baby that should have been aborted.

ZINC Lace-up bootie. A fashion-forward look with a romantic past. Imported cotton/polyester. 3 1/2" heel. $89

Monday, November 26, 2007

A Mullet on Your Foot

It's the shoe that begs the question, "How much would you pay to wear a mullet on your foot?" (Squint, you'll see it) At least we know where the Nascar name came from. More crap from Victoria's Secret. What the hell is going on over there?

Nascar Faux fur trim bootie. A foxy choice with lush contrast lining. Buckle trim. Imported suede. 3" heel.$125

Snow Job

I have been monitoring this bizarre item at Taylor Gifts, waiting for them to provide a description to go along with the picture. I've Googled it to death and come up short, so I'll have to provide my own description:

Guide Lights Glow-in-the-dark-spray-on Snow! Give your trailer park a pointless, eerie, sci-fi glow this holiday season without the need for expensive, hard to hang lights. Good for the environment Only $2.98

Friday, November 23, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: Hanging by a Tassle

Mike: Alright, guys, we need a new banner for our Christmas catalog. Give me some ideas.

Bob: Let's go with maybe an angel motif?

Mike: Okay, that's a good start, angels are very in this Christmas. What else?

Tony: Tassles! It's gonna need tassles. It'll be like church. And a brass-tone rod, too!.

Bob: But I think the angel should be huge, like she's about to land on a small sleepy village and attack. But we'll market it like she's a "guardian angel."

Mike: Did you watch Godzilla last night, Bob?

Bob: Yeah.

Mike: (sighs) Well, how does everyone feel about fiber optic lights?

Bob: Oh, my God. Can we keep it under 15 bucks?

Mike: I don't see why not. Let's get the guys from China on the phone.

Enjoy an inspirational and celestial twinkle with this unique wall hanging. Beautiful scene of Guardian Angel watching over a country village, with sparkling fiber optic lights. Hangs from brass-tone rod with tasseled trim. Req. 3 "AAA" batteries (not incl.). 31"H x 26 1/2"W. Imported $14.99

You're Better Off Barefoot

From the Victoria's Secret website comes this product description: Ballet Flat. A sweet style adds flexibility to your wardrobe. Imported polyurethane. $39 [victoria's secret]

I think the flexibility comes from stomachs churning and heaving all over the city.

Oh, Baby

I have a habit of saving emails and never reading them. Or reading them and getting distracted by food only to come back months later to find something interesting.

That something interesting is here. (thanks to S* on this one)

Click Read More.

Their little one will be snug as a cub in a rug—and undeniably cute—in this super-soft bear blanket. Babies love to be swaddled and it's never been easier than with our clever blanket. They just place baby in the center, fold the paws and fasten. It will soon become a snuggly favorite. Exclusively from RedEnvelope.
made of velvety-soft and plush polyester fits infants up to six months imported. $40 [red envelope]

And, as S* pointed out, look what the bad photoshopping has done to this baby's head.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tampon Turkey

Yes, there are people out there who are more sick and twisted than me. Tampon Crafts.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Ex Factor

Yesterday, on Oprah, the daytime goddess revealed her Favorite Things for 2007. Though I didn't watch the show, I'd imagine it was something like QVC on crack. I did, however scroll through her favorites on her website. One thing stuck out more than anything else. Click Read More to see it.

This outfit by L.A. designer Rachel Pally is made from stretchy fabric that's both lightweight and super soft. "It barely feels like you're wearing anything!" Oprah says. The turtleneck and pants are available in sizes 2 to 24 and come in four colors—purple, navy, teal and brown. Turtleneck and pants, $141, and $194 respectively.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like Oprah a lot. I think she's fun, smart (billionaires aren't stupid) and probably gives awesome gifts for Christmas, but these look like something you'd slip into if you wanted to blend in with the curtains while spying on your ex.

Western Wedding Wednesdays: Stiffed

Bride: "Gayle, you did tell the dry cleaner no starch, right?"

Gayle: "Um, yeah, sure...."

Guess How Much: Furniture

In a break from my usual Guess How Much format, I leave it completely up to you, the savvy shopper, to guess just how much for the "Tree Trunk Bench." Click Read More for the answer and brace for impact.

Whatever you guessed, you weren't even close.

A fallen tree can serve as a seat. The addition of bronze classical chair backs makes it a proper piece of furniture, a crossing between nature and culture. Jurgen Bey makes clear that it is ridiculous to transport trees when they are locally available. Therefore only the chair backs are for sale. Material: Bronze.

That's right. 15 grand for three metal chairbacks. And you still have to go out and chop down some poor unsuspecting tree. Don't believe me? Go here.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 6: Generation Crap

"My grandma, Memo, and I invented and perfected this recipe a long time ago. Memo is now gone, but the recipe lives on. I work for my dad, who is a farmer and rancher, and this is an easy dessert to prepare at the end of a long day feeding livestock and cultivating thousands of acres of farmland. You can add a 'grown-up' touch by adding rum to the whipped topping."

Twinkie Banana Split
4 Twinkies
4 bananas, halved lengthwise
1 quart vanilla ice cream
1 (12-ounce) jar strawberry ice cream topping
1 (12-ounce) jar pineapple ice cream topping
1 cup frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed
1/2 cup chopped cashews
4 maraschino cherries

Place 1 Twinkie in each of the 4 banana split dishes and arrange a banana half on either side of each Twinkie. Place 2 small scoops of ice cream with each Twinkie. Top with the strawberry and pineapple toppings and a dollop of whipped topping. Sprinkle on the cashews and top with a cherry. Serve at once.

So let me get this straight. It took two people several years to add a Twinkie to a banana split?


How would you react after waking up to this clock?

A) I'd laugh. It's kinda cute, actually.

B) I'd be annoyed, but thankful I wasn't late for work! LOL

C) I'd gently hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.

D) I'd hit snooze enough times to piss it off. And after it tried to scold me, I'd tell it to fuck itself. Then I'd behead it with one swift hammer blow, sending the plastic head flying through the window. I'd get dressed for work and go downstairs. I'd pick up the head, place it behind the rear tire of my massive SUV, shift it into reverse and mash the accelerator. Then I'd shift it into drive and pulverize what's left. I'd repeat this until I was an hour late for work, but it would be so worth it.

Wake up to the world's first robot radio! A great gift for anyone who loves gadgets, the Mr. Clock Radio alarm clock can wake anyone up in over 30 different ways, from a gentle voice to a shouting drill sergeant. It can also tell fortunes, speak the time aloud, react to light or motion, wink and blink, and play music via AM, FM or iPod/MP3. Warning: If you hit the snooze button too many times, Mr. Clock Radio may scold you! 6" H x 6" W x 5" D. $79.99 [skymall]

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dry Cleaner's Nightmare

In a word: overkill. In three words: dry cleaner's nightmare.

Mary: Wait a minute! These pants are missing some of their beads!

Dry Cleaner: No they not.

Mary: Yes they are. There were 6,740 beads on the right leg and now there are just...(counts under breath) 57!

Dry Cleaner: They come like that.

Mary: That's bullshit! I'm calling my lawyer and I'm gonna sue your ass!

Dry Cleaner: No you not. Look at sign! (points to sign on wall) We no responsible for missing button or bead on ugly overprice jean pant. Have nice day!!!

Lace Leaf Beaded Jean. Shimmering leaf appliqu├ęs are embroidered with coppery metallic sequins and wood beading on fall's perfect jean. Distressed pockets and hem add to their exotic design. 5–pocket jean styling with subtle flare leg and 32" inseam in size 10. Jeans are cotton/spandex; dry clean. Imported. $99

Private Crapper

Toilet Tunes Automatic Bathroom Entertainment. Wireless sound machine plays automatically when the lid is up, shuts off when it's down. Just peel and stick sensor under the lid, no cords or plugs. Enjoy music (soothing jazz, Latin guitar, modern techno/ pop) or nature sounds (rain, ocean waves, mountain stream). Provides privacy and helps remind guys to keep the seat down. Sensor is waterproof and washable with automatic and manual mode. Requires 1 C and 3 AAA batteries (not included). $29.98

And you'll have peace of mind during the holidays while you keep track of how often your guests use the bathroom. Both the duration and the frequency can be timed now.

Cheryl, were you taking a shit?

No. I was reapplying my makeup.

I timed you at 7 minutes, 23 seconds. And you forgot your lipstick.

Alright, you got me! Ha! Ha!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: March on the Penguins

Create some real excitement beneath the Christmas tree this year and for many years to come. Tree skirt features fiber optic light and a motion sensor that starts the enchanting chorus of polar bears and penguins caroling the classic song, "Let it Snow." Requires 3 "AA" batteries (not included). 40"Diameter. Polyester. Imported. $19.99

Note to self: always wear boots and drink heavily so as to inflict the maximum damage when encountering this in person.

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One for Each Mood Swing

Complement every color in your wardrobe with a beautiful watch to match! Includes 21 interchangeable vinyl bands and 21 colorful bezels. Approx. 3/4" wide case; 8" long. Goldtone. $29.95

Because a simple gold or silver watch is not nearly as glamorous as a purple, lime green, burgundy, white, teal, beige, olive, plum, red, black, slate, hunter green, pink, brown, blue, orange or yellow one.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

All I Don't Want For Christmas: Harriet Carter Edition

With the holidays approaching, I think it's never to early to let the people know what I don't want for Christmas. Click Read More to see this year's list.

Whitey Tighty farting keychain

(unless I can bolt it to the ceiling and terrorize my upstairs neighbors)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Western Wedding Wednesdays/Guess How Much

Denim purse - Available in blue denim/blue lace, blue denim/white lace, white denim/white lace, ivory denim/ivory lace.

Guess how much for this wonderfully crafted, ultra chic western wedding purse?
A) $19.99
B) $.49
C) $100.00
D) $76

D) 76 dollars for something that looks like a craft project gone awry - from 1986

Western Wedding Wednesdays: Picture Perfect

Photographer: Alright, Melissa, go stand by that there tree.
Melissa: Over here?
Photographer: Yeah, that's good. Y'all ready?
Melissa: Yeah. Should I pose?
Photographer: Yeah, maybe pull yer dress up a lil to show off your boot.
Melissa: Like this?
Photographer: Perfect! Ready? One...two...
Melissa: Oh, wait, I have a wedgie! Don't--

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 5: Burrito Boy

"I have always loved Twinkies with chocolate and strawberries. One day while at my wife's Mexican restaurant, I tried wrapping the mixture in a tortilla so I could eat it with my hands. Even though my wife laughs at me, Twinkie burritos are delicious, and now all of her employees and I are hooked!"

Twinkie Burrito
4 (10-to 12-inch) flour tortillas, warmed
1/2 to 3/4 cup chocolate sauce
4 Twinkies
2 cups sliced strawberries, or 1/2 cup strawberry preserves

Drizzle one side of each tortilla with the chocolate sauce. Place a Twinkie on top of the chocolate sauce in the center of each tortilla. Top each Twinkie with 1/4 cup of strawberries. Fold the tortillas over the Twinkies and roll up like a burrito.

Come on, Peter, your wife has a Mexican restaurant and you're still eating Twinkies? I'm embarrassed for you. I'd have lied and said it was my "mommy's" restaurant, not your wife's.

(Cut to 400 pound Peter permanently seated near the kitchen door of the restaurant, snatching plates away from the waiters as they come out)

Money Tree will Get You Killed

Who says money doesn't grow on trees? Here's your chance to prove that it does. Inside each candle there is $1 in coins or a $5, $10, $20, or even $50 bill! Burn candle to collect cash. Gift boxed, instructions for burning. 6" high. $14.99 (was $18.99)

A surefire disaster waiting to happen. I imagine it would go down like this:

Christmas Day

Janet: Okay, Mark, this one is for you...

Mark: Thank you, Janet. (unwraps present, drops wrapping paper on floor) Oh, it's a... tree candle. (cringes internally) How nice. How...nice of you. Thank you, Janet. (fake smile)

Janet: But there's more. Inside each candle there is $1 in coins or a $5, $10, $20, or even $50 bill! It's like playing the lottery! Isn't that exciting? Why don't we light it now and see what you've got?

Mark: Okay. Let's just leave it here on the coffee table and have something to drink.

(one hour and several glasses of wine later)

Janet: (drunk, slurred speech) Oh, Mark. Dith I ever tells you how what a hanthome man you are?

Mark: And you're pretty too! (glances at candle) Hey! The candle ith all finith up! Leths thee what I got. What the hell, Janet? You're nasty!

Guess How Much: Furniture

Guess How Much for this stylish chair?
A) $11,137
B) $3462
C) $25,000
D) $59.99
Click Read More to find out.

After buying this chair, your wallet will be full of holes for a very long time, because the answer is:
A) $11,137

"The holes are through and trough and form a decoration that makes a light but steady chair. This chair is one out of a series of objects with holes, developed by Gijs Bakker. Limited Editon of 50 Pieces!! designer: Gijs Bakker (NL) material: Maple wood"


Monday, November 12, 2007

Do Not Adjust Your Screens

Ankle-length caftan features an inverted front pleat with hidden zipper. Button and loop closure at yoke, 3/4 length sleeves and side pockets. Woven cotton. Machine wash & dry. Imported. Approximate lengths: Misses - 52", Women's - 53". $29.99

I haven't found a really hideous caftan in a while. I also haven't heard from S* in a while. This dizzying ugly caftan should lure her right back.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: For the Birds

"American Glory" Fiber Optic Globe. Fiercely protective (just like someone you know?), this detailed American eagle watches over a brilliant fiber optic globe. Requires 3 AA batteries. $29.95

What's the strangest part of the American Glory Fiber Optic Globe?

A) That the flag is coming out of the eagle's ass

B) That the flag is being dragged all over those rocks

C) That the eagle is protecting what looks like the headset of some Vegas showgirl.

Fiber Optic Fridays: I Officially Hate Christmas Now

Get right into the Christmas spirit with a sweater that celebrates holiday decorating. Whimsical houses are embellished with fiber optic Christmas lights. Ramie/cotton; hand wash. Imported. $59.95

Don't pay any attention to the "hand wash" instructions for this item. It is completely safe to throw in the washing machine. Hot water, lots of bleach. Tumble dry high for 2 hours.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Carpet Shampoo Not Included

Let Frosty deliver holiday condiments and snacks with this rotating lazy Susan. Crafted from wood and hand painted, this spinning snowman is the ideal holiday helper for food & drinks. Rotates 360°. 13 1/2"L x 10"W. Price: $9.99

You're probably asking yourself, "Shouldn't that stupid thing be round? Aren't all lazy susan's round, so you can spin them?" The answer is "No. This is a holiday-themed item. Holiday items are exempt from following any sort of common sense in terms of basic shape or design, even when it's obvious that turning this particular lazy-ass susan will likely knock over that mug of cocoa right onto the floor."

Oh Christmas Swag, Oh Christmas Swag...

This beautiful snow-white lace panel features a decorative Christmas tree with candles that light up your home with a holiday glow. (Simply plug in the attached string of 20 brilliant candle lights.) Exquisite hanging on windows, doors or walls - with or without the lighted swag valance that has a string of 10 candle lights. Imported in polyester lace. UL-approved. Add Beauty & Light to your Christmas Decor! Panel $9.99, Valance $6.99

(note the sad use of the word "exquisite" to describe this) You know, I'm so sick and tired of all the work it takes putting up my Christmas tree, so I think I'll just hang this in the window. Sure to fool the neighbors and make them jealous at the same time.

Doubles as a Dunce Hat, Too

You'll be the star this holiday in our Light-Up Christmas Tree Hat! Fully-decorated hat is 18" high! Uses 2 "AA" batteries, not included. $10.98

Or, "What to do with your leftover Halloween costume." I'll bet I see at least one of these in Rockefeller Center this year. And I'm going to snatch it off that unsuspecting tourist's head and beat them with it.

Why Kids Run Away from Home

A gift that will become a happy tradition. Numbered birthday candle is the perfect way to mark the passage of those all-too-precious years - from the first birthday to the 21st. Musical button on back will play "Happy Birthday" up to 10,000 times. Great for baby shower or first birthday. Battery included. White candle is 15 1/2" high. Base not included. $21.99

Quiz Time! At what age will the ugly, cheesy Numbered Birthday candle become just an embarrassment?

A) 5

B) 13

C) I don't know, because it will be covered in wax before we can ever find out.

D) People buy this shit?

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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Western Wedding Wednesdays: Fringe Benefits

Velvet Dress. Keyhole front with long sleeves. Available in Sage, Silver, and Black colors. $95.00 $65.00

I'll bet this is a big seller, considering that you can't tell how long it is or what kind of hemline it has. I'm guessing there's some scary fringe action going on down there.

Western Wedding Wednesdays: Wallflower

Discontinued Attendant Dress (Dusty Rose). Limited quantities available. $80.00 $60.00

This dress is discontinued because...

A) It's a hot seller! Look at that sexy neckline!
B) It blends in seamlessly with any wallpaper, so it's popular with shy folk
C) Drunks love it because it closely resembles vomit, so if you drink too much at the wedding, no one will know but you.

Note that the door behind it seems to have been painted to match.

Rhymes with Push

4' Half Upside Down Corner Tree Evoking a 12th century Central European tradition of hanging a tree from the ceiling at Christmas, this unique 4' pre-lit fir attaches to your ceiling, allowing more room in less-spacious areas for the placement of furniture or more decorations underneath. $139.95

I was all set to skip over this because I thought, "Who am I to criticize an old tradition that predates me?" But then I saw something. I won't tell you what it is, but I'll help you figure it out for yourselves. Look at the picture and squint. What do you see? And I'll bet that had something to do with how this tradition came to an end.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 4: Revenge of the Easter Bunny

"I've always been a loyal Twinkie fan. I originally came up with this recipe as a way to get our children seated and quieted down after they finished their Easter egg hunt. It's become a family tradition. By changing the food coloring and decorations, you can use it to make something special for any holiday."

Twinkie Easter Egg Hunt
10 Twinkies
Spray food coloring in a variety of colors
3 (7-ounce) jars marshmallow creme
20 maraschino cherries, well drained
6 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup jelly beans
1 (5.9-ounce) package instant chocolate pudding mix
3 cups milk

(Are you grossed out yet?)

Spray the Twinkies with the food coloring, using a variety of colors. Cut each Twinkie in half crosswise.

Spoon the marshmallow creme into a 9 by 13-inch baking dish, covering the bottom completely. Arrange the Twinkies cut side down in the creme, leaving the tops sticking up and out of the creme so they look like Easter eggs. Decorate around the Twinkies with the maraschino cherries, chocolate chips, and jelly beans.

In a bowl, combine the pudding mix and milk and stir according to the package instructions. Chill until thickened.

To serve, spoon 3 to 4 tablespoons of the pudding into each bowl. Scoop up a Twinkie along with some of the marshmallow creme and candies and add to each bowl.

Dear Maxine,
If you'd like to get your kids "quieted" down, I'd suggest a nice beating, or some kind of restraint like rope or handcuffs. Also, the off-the-charts sugar content in this will be like rocket fuel in their little bodies. Try turkey instead.

p.s. - This is why Florida keeps getting hit with hurricanes. It's crap like this that pisses off the Easter Bunny.

I've Fallen and I Don't Know What Day It Is!

Always have a calendar handy. Oval brushed-metal plates wrap easily around your watchband. Reversible: gold-tone on one side, silver-tone on the other, so it will match most watches. 12 plates in a handy storage pouch. 5/8" x 1 1/2". Fit bands 5/8" to 1" wide. $3.99

Classy. It will go just perfect right next to your medic alert bracelet. For those of you living in the middle of nowhere without access to televisions, computers, newspapers or people.

Bible Banger

Musical Walking Turtle will saunter right into your heart! So realistic, folks will think he's the real thing! Then, flip a switch and watch the smiles as he starts his slow walk, singing to the music as he goes. Even his head and mouth move as he croons, "You gotta slow down. You move too fast". Uses 3 AA batteries (not included). Durable plastic. 9-1/4" L. $17.98

Here's how I'm hoping all these toys end up.
Carol: Hi, Jenny! So nice of you to come over for bible study!

Jenny: Hi, Carol. I brought my new bible! (holds up bible, smiles)

Carol: Fantastic! Come inside and I'll make us some tea.

Jenny: Alrightie, then!

Carol: Now, Jenny, I have something hysterical to show you! Just wait right there on the couch. I'll be right back.

Jenny: Okay.

Carol: Are you ready? Look at this! Puts turtle on coffee table.

Jenny: Oh, how adorable! You bought a turtle? Honey, wouldn't a cat be more fun?

Carol: Oh, silly. Watch! (flips switch)

Turtle: You gotta slow down/you move too fast. You gotta slow down...

Carol: Isn't he cute? We named him Louis.

Jenny: Oh my Lord! He's possessed by Satan! The power of Christ compells you! The power of Christ compells you!!!!! (Jenny gets up, beats turtle with bible. Turtle smashed to bits. No more stupid singing turtle.)

Monday, November 05, 2007

YMAL Time Warp: Grooming Edition

DELUXE GROOMING KIT keeps nails looking their best! Handsome, leather-look case opens to reveal all the essentials for nail care at home or while traveling. Ten-piece set includes trimmer, cutter, and pusher for cuticles, nail file, nail nipper, scissors, small and large clippers, plus tweezers and ear cleaner. 5-3/4" L x 3-1/4" W x 1" H. $7.98

This antique-y looking item is from...

A) 1945

B) 1952

C) 1973

D) Today. You can buy this fugly, antiquated looking "grooming kit" right now. I kid you not.

Operation Sledgehammer

Drill Sergeant Alarm Clock - AM/FM clock radio is topped with a stern sergeant who awakens even the most sluggish soldier with 3 different commands. Easy-set alarm, digital time & date display, snooze button. Req. 3 "AA" batteries for sound (not incl.). $19.99

How many whacks of a hammer will it take to demolish the annoying Drill Sergeant Alarm Clock?

A) 3
B) 4.5
C) I don't have a hammer, but this is probably flammable anyway.
D) None, because I'm going to feed it to the dog.

See, this wouldn't wake me up. All it would do was give me nightmares about 24-hour M*A*S*H* marathons. AUDIO ALERT! Go here to see this item and get a lovely audio sample.