Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Denim Wedding Dress is Perfect for Halloween

Blue denim hand beaded corset dress with cathedral train. Only $450. Net slip is included. Now in stock sizes 10-16. Sizes 4-20 will be available the end of November.

(Big thanks to Helen on this one.)

If I know my readers, a few are gasping in horror right about now. What's that you ask? Who the hell would wear that?Well, as it turns out, at least one woman did. Read her review in full below, spelling errors and bad grammar intact.

"This dress was perfect for our wedding. It looks much better in person then it does online. the detail is awesome and it is really comfortable and it isnt has heavy as it looks. It made my day perfect."

And another recurring feature is born: Western Wedding Wednesdays

What Is This?

What is this? Analyze the photo, then click Read More to find out and see more pics.

This cute Barking Hot Dog Cooker steams 4 to 6 delicious hot dogs to juicy perfection in less than 10 minutes! Plug him in, fill water chamber to indicator level with included measuring cup, arrange your dogs, and lower the lid. He lets out a steady "BARK" when hot dogs are ready!

Does It Come In a Necklace?

Weight-Loss Ring targets “problem areas”! According to Japanese tradition, applying pressure to a particular finger can help you lose weight in a specific part of your body. If you wear the ring on your index finger you’ll target the hip area, on your middle finger, your derriere, on your ring finger the stomach and on your pinky your thighs. Ring adjusts to fit. $4.98

That's right, ladies, don't diet, don't exercise, just put on this hokus-pokus $5 voodoo ring and just wait. No, really, it works.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Twinkie Tuesdays 3: Crapcakes

"This recipe was inspired by Shrek Twinkies, which were made with green filling and in stores when the movie came out on DVD. One night I had a Shrek movie party for my grandkids. The next morning I wanted to make something memorable for breakfast, so I created Twinkie pancakes. The kids said the green color spots made them look really cool."

(Note that the food stylists modified the recipe and decided against using the green filling variety)

Twinkie Pancakes
6 Twinkies
4 cups prepared pancake batter
Butter or margarine for serving (optional)
Pancake syrup, for serving (optional)

Slice each Twinkie crosswise into 8 thin slices. Spray a griddle or skillet with nonstick vegetable oil spray or brush lightly with vegetable oil. Heat the griddle over medium-high heat.

Pour 1/4-cup measures of the pancake batter onto the hot griddle, spacing them apart. Arrange 3 Twinkie slices in each pancake. Cook until the pancake begins to bubble and is golden brown on the underside. Carefully turn the pancakes and cook the second side. Serve immediately with butter and syrup.

I love how the always have to add "serve immediately," in case you get to the end and need further direction. (Click Twinkie Tuesdays to see the rest of the recipes.)

Batteries Not Included

EMERSON BATTERY CHARGER Save money by recharging batteries you would normally discard! No need to buy expensive rechargeables; extend the life of drained alkaline batteries by recharging them for reuse. Our Emerson Battery Charger safely recharges up to 4 alkaline, heavy duty, standard or NiCad batteries (AA, AAA, C and D) at a time. Automatically shuts off when charging is complete. Lights indicate which batteries are dead and which can be recharged. Plastic, metal. 10" x 5 ¼" x 4". $29.95

Shameful confession: When I was very young, I actually had one of these. In my defense, I had a lot of battery operated toys and gadgets, but no job, so this seemed to be the perfect solution.

Guess what? The piece of shit didn't work, but years later, Emerson is still trying to pawn them off on unsuspecting victims. Although I imagine that, since the design is exactly as it was when I owned it, then they're still trying to get rid of the thousands produced but never bought.

What is this?

What is this?
A) Chair detail
B) Shower curtain?
C) Caftan
D) Wallpaper
E) I don't know, but I'm afraid to find out
Click Read More to see.

(Click to enlarge. You know you want to) A golden checkerboard pattern brings beautiful dimension to the jacket, with dashes of sophisticated black trim. Its unique, zigzag lapel is accented with glittering golden buttons. A chic pencil skirt brings it all together (32" in length for size 10). Jacket has padded shoulders and faux slash pockets. Fully lined. Polyester/metallic; dry clean. Imported. (Shitty Suit $169, Scary hat $109, Ugly Bag $89)

This reminds me of an episode of Project Runway where the task was to use every last scrap of fabric in their designs. How else could you explain the matchy-matchy-disaster we have here? The ugly model gives this Bad Staging of the Week

Monday, October 29, 2007

Ready for the Afterlife

Special Occassion Dress. Mock two-piece chiffon dress with elegant textured velour detailing. Back keyhole, petal overlay styling and attached flowing skirt. Woven polyester. Machine wash & dry. Imported. Approximate lengths: Petite - 42", Misses - 43", Women's - 44". $29.99

Unless that special occassion is a funeral or Halloween, this fugly tablecloth-inspired disaster is staying in the closet.

The Devil's in the Details

Devilishly Cute Bat Costume.
Fly through the party in a plush poly jumpsuit with wing-like sleeves. Fits over diapers and clothes. Separate hood has horn-like ears and fastens under chin with self-stick tabs. Elasticized booties have non-skid soles. Machine wash. Imported. Was $29.98 Now $9.98 Save $20.00

Good luck explaining this one on Halloween.

Paris: Hi, Britney! Thank you for coming to my Hot Halloween Party! Is this little Preston?

Britney: Yep. Say, 'Hi,' Preston. (grabs hand, waves it)

Paris: Awww. So cute. he some kind of devil-bat thing?

Britney: Yes, he is a devat.

Paris: Please go back to rehab. I'm begging you.

Because Money Alone Would Be an Insult

Money Tree. Turns cash into an eye-catching gift. 16" metal tree has 12 bendable branches with twist-tie ends that hold bills in place. Simply attach dollars, fives, tens or combinations to create an attractive gift for any occasion! Includes card. Money not included! $6.98 2 for $12.98 4 for $23.96

What's the worst part about the Money Tree?

A) that it will likely be given to me with 12 dollars attached to it

B) that I will need to sit there and untie 12 dollars

C) that the person who gives it to me will probably make some stupid crack about money growing on trees

D) that they assume money is not eye catching unless it is creased and folded and presented as an embarrassing crafts project.

DIAS version 2.0

I'm re-relaunching Decaf Is a Sin. Let's hope it sticks.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Disposable Aluminum Oven Liners Keep Your Oven Clean. Reusable Aluminum Oven Liners catch overflows, grease and drippings. Fits all gas or electric ovens. Rust-proof, fire-proof and easy to insert. Use them to bake, roast, reheat and serve. When dirty, just toss them out and insert a new liner. Set of ten, each 18 1/4" x 15 3/4". $14.95

I'm confused. Are they disposable or reusable? Make up your minds. Yes, just toss them out and insert a new liner. Don't clean your oven, ever. And it's not like you have any cookie sheets or even aluminum foil around the house that you could use in place of these.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: I Should Have Just Stolen It

Light up the night and party like there's no tomorrow with this brilliant fiber optic party light. Fiber optic strands rotate around the base which features flashing lights inside. Plugs into standard outlet, UL listed cord. 14 1/2"H. Price: $14.99

When I was a kid, my aunt Georgia and Uncle John had this incredible thing in their house. I was mystified and spellbound by it. Now, because it was very young, I didn't know what it was, but I wanted it. I hinted that they should give this object to me, but to no avail. They loved it more than I did. I would learn many years later that this mystery object was a fiber optic lamp, very similar to the one shown here, but with a round silverball for a base.

Now that I'm an adult, I've grown to despise any kind of fiber optic decoration. Maybe it's just bitterness from my childhood? I don't know. That's for my therapist to answer. If he ever returns my call.

Fiber Optic Fridays: Save the Sailfish!

Lighted Sailfish - Brilliant fiber optics and colored scales make this lighted sailfish the catch of the day. Made of metal and filled with an ever-changing spectrum of colorful fiber optics, this sailfish will make a splash hanging on any wall. Comes with hooks on the back for hanging. Req. 2 "AA" batteries (not incl.). 19"H x 40 1/2"W x 1 1/5"D. $19.99

Fancy a little Times Square action in your living room but can't afford the plane ticket? Well now you can have all the glitz and glitter of the crossroads of the world right in your own living room! Seriously, I feel bad for this thing, because you just know, someone is thinking, "I'm gonna go out tomorrah and catch me a sailfish and string some Christmas lights up in it!"

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Just Imagine The Rest of the House

A unique hardwood and glass end table personally hand signed by Derek Jeter! This table is crafted of genuine hardwood and features photographs of the Yankees legendary shortstop. The photos and the autograph are protected under a beveled glass top to ensure years of enjoyment. At the base of the table the team logo appears on a removable shelf and the table itself includes a felt-lined drawer for storage. Minimal assembly required. $699 (plus $15 s&s)

Sorry, Yankee Fans, but this is just fugly. I'm all for having autographs in your house, but I draw the line at "sports furtniture." And just try reselling this ugly thing to a sports memorabilia store.

(Phone rings) Rick: Sports Autograph Emporium, Rick speaking.

Bruce: Yes, I have a Derek Jeter autograph that I would like to sell.

Rick: Really? Well those are worth quite a bit. Do you have a certificate of authenticity?

Bruce: Sure do.

Rick: Good, because we don't take random autographs from just anyone without a certificate of authenticity. You never know what kind of crap people will try to sell us. That's why I keep a shotgun here at the store. Okay, well, why don't you bring it by tomorrow and I'll let you know what I'll give you for it.

(the next day)

Bruce: Hi, I’m here to see Rick.

John: Just a second. (yells) Hey, Rick! Someone here to see you!

(Rick comes out from the back room)

Bruce: Hi, I'm Bruce. Are you Rick?

Rick: Bruce, Bruce, I’m not sure I—oh, yeah! You’re the one with the Jeter autograph! Where is it?

Bruce: Well, here it is… (picks table up, smiles)

Rick: What the hell is that? We don't buy furniture!

Bruce: It’s the autograph. Here, take a look. The photos and the autograph are protected under a beveled glass top to ensure years of enjoyment. At the base of the table the team logo appears on a removable shelf and the table itself includes a felt-lined drawer for storage.

(5 seconds deadly silence, picks up shotgun)

Rick: We don't take too kindly to people with crap from the
Danbury Mint. Maybe you ought to take your business elsewhere.

Crown Fools

Express yourself with personalized Crown Pendant from Midnight Velvet. Cubic zirconia accents. Approx. 3/4" l x 1" w on 18" chain. Personalize with up to 7 letters/spaces. $79.99

Alright, boys and girls, it's time for a little pop quiz. What lesson does the Crown Pendant teach us?

A) all women are decended from royalty, not to be messed with

B) some women are tacky as all get out

C) Amanda will buy the ugliest shit imaginable because she can have it personalized

D) all of the above

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: No More Men, Either

[midnight velvet]

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

This Sucks, and Not in a Good Way

Removing the line your broom leaves behind, this powerhouse dustpan's built-in vacuum sucks dirt in as you sweep larger debris onboard. Generous plastic pan features easy-empty dirt trap. Uses three AA batteries (not included) 17 1/2"long x 10" wide. $21.99

How convenient! Get down on all fours, scoop up the big stuff, and then just vacuum up the fine dust left behind, instead of using, say, a Dustbuster to handle everything at once.

If you listen closely, you can hear the folks at Black and Decker laughing.

Don't Forget to Floss

If you're one of those people who continually forgets to brush, then this "couch" is for you. It was created by a crackpot student at Bucks New University in the UK.

Now, if only that same student could invent a bed made out of giant teeth, motorized, so that it chews him into a pulp.


Ursula, Your Table Is Ready

It's a lamp! It's a table! It's multi tasking! Disk and column in natural aluminium, table top in clear or satined glass. Screen in thermographed metacryl with frost effect surface. Base holds and hides electric cable management. Closed shade diameter 39", opened 52". The height is 59". A lamp with foot of turned aluminum with transparent coating is also available, 14"h; lampshade also in metaacryl.

No, I don't know what "metaacryl" is, but I'm guessing it's some kind of plastic. I won't even bother with another Guess How Much, so I'll just tell you all that this overwrought stupid "lamp/table/artsy fartsy "what-the-fuck" costs a revolting, nauseating $3888. And no, I did not forget to put a decimal point in there.

I'm also not impressed with how this works. You want to impress us? Make that shade levitate over the table, instead of cracking open like some stage clamshell prop from the Little Mermaid.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Because Gloves Would Look Stupid

Our Phone Fingers are made for iPhone's touch screen to prevent smudges and fingerprints. With the Phone Fingers you won't have to clean your touch screen all the time and it's an eye catcher too.

I'm not telling you how much these are because I don't want any of you to have them. (Sorry, Hannah)

There are no words for how stupid these are, especially since the screen of the iPhone is practically bulletproof.'re supposed to carry them around in your pocket and frantically search for these every time your phone rings? Or wear them all the time and look like you stole the fingers off Michael Jackson's gloves?

Twinkie Tuesdays 2: Fish Slap

Welcome to the official start of Twinkie Tuesdays! The formula is the one you know and love: the original content (in this case the complete recipe), plus my commentary in bold. Enjoy!

"I often use Hostess products in my crazy food recipes. They're a great art supply. I love sushi and thought it would be fun to have sushi for dessert. It's nice to serve Twinkie Sushi at a dinner party on a Japanese tray or bento box with chopsticks. Guests will laugh while they enjoy a refreshing fruity dessert at the same time."

Twinkie Sushi

4 pieces green fruit leather, sliced into 1-inch wide strips
6 Twinkies, cut into 1-inch pieces
Assorted dried fruits, cut into small pieces
Assorted chewy fruity candies
4 to 6 pieces of dried mango, cut into strips

One at a time, wrap the fruit leather pieces around the Twinkie pieces. Place the wrapped Twinkies upright on a serving tray or in a bento box.

Place the dried fruits and candies into the creme filling. Garnish the tray with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger. Serve with chopsticks if you wish.

Wow, this really is one crazy recipe: sugar wrapped around sugar topped with more sugar. And did she really say that Twinkies are a great "art supply"? First April Vandecamp, now Clare. I think they're all going to get bitch slapped by the time I get through these recipes.

To see the entire list of Twinkie Tuesday recipes, click here

Random Bad Staging: America Online

[From the AOl sign-on page] What the hell is going on here? Anyone who owns a laptop (or even has an LCD screen) knows that she can't possibly see what the hell is on her screen at that angle, yet here she is laughing and having such a great old time. Is she taking a picture of her crotch with her screen mounted camera? That could be, but why is she so damn oily looking? I know it's still in the 70's here in NYC, but it's fricking October. Put this woman in a pair of pants. And get her a desk. That is all.

Executive Decision

Spin "a moment" or help guide your future with this stainless steel engraveable decision maker. A chic gift for both men and women, this will be major conversation piece in the office. An executive attraction for making deals or just deciding on where to have lunch. This has been voted "Most Popular" among CEO's and CF0's. A cost effective gift for both large and small corporations. Each Decision Maker includes gift box. Size is 3.5" diameter.Personalization Available. $12.50

A surefire disaster in the wrong hands. (click to enlarge and see the "decisions")

CEO: Alright, guys, we need to make a very important decision. It's a decision that will affect the very future of this company. Do we make a bid to buy Wrigley's Orbit Gum company now or just try a hostile takeover?

(silence in the board room)

CEO: What, none of you have anything to say? What a bunch of wimps! What do I pay you guys for? Jesus!

Kyle: (raises hand) I think I know what we should do. (takes out decision maker wheel, places it on table, spins it) Let's see, it's landed on 'sit on it'... so...I think we should sit on it. (looks up, smiles) Yep, definately sit on it.

CEO: (face turns red) Kyle, what the hell is that?

Kyle: It's the corporate decision maker. I got it from you for Christmas. We all have one!

CEO: (steam comes out of ears) That's a damn lie and you know it!! (looks around room) Does anyone else have one of these?

(denials all around the room)

CEO: Dammit, Kyle! You're fired! Kathy, reach over and slap him upside the head, please. Good. Once more, please.

Coffee, Tea, or a Slap In the Face?

Mugs to help you mix your favourite brew to just-how-you-like-it by matching the colour guide on the inside. Available in Tea or Coffee styles. $16.00 [suck uk]

It's refreshing to see that even in the UK there are products that are just as dumb as ours. Can't you just imagine some jackass holding up the milk station at Starbucks with this mug? And then the frustration when he or she puts too much milk and has to stand there sipping it to see if maybe, just maybe, they might be able to adapt to this horrible new coffee.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Puke my Lunch

Pimp my Bed. Turn your engine room into the sexiest place in the world with this under-bed lighting package that will ooze ambience and shout your intentions loud and clear. $35.91

Or, I don't know, you could go into your attic, dig out your ratty old Christmas lights and throw them under the bed.

Source [boysstuff] via Geekologie

Save Room for Dessert

Tune in tomorrow for this week's exciting Twinkie Tuesdays recipe!

Pyramid Scheme

Burn this solid white candle, and you'll uncover a surprise in the wax-a $1 coin, $5, $10, $20, or even a $50 bill. Consider it our surprise Christmas gift for you. Candle arrives wrapped in gold foil tied with a goldstar garland. Glass quare candleholder (sold separately) will hold a 4 1/2" wide candle. Candle: 4" x 4" x 4". Candleholder: 5 3/4"square. $14.99

Like anyone really believes there is a $50 bill in one of those? As if the folks at Miles Kimball just are rolling in dough and just so anxious to share it with you. To see more posts like this, click "Money" (below).


100% cotton towel features "Face" and "Butt" embroidery so everyone is clear on what goes where. Makes a goofy gift for the good-humored, and is a great way to get your guests giggling. Machine wash. 25 1/4"W x 44"L. Imported Price: $9.99

Yep, everyone is clear on what goes where--except for our model here. Is he being a wise ass? Or is he just dumb as a rock? I'm going with dumb.

Hound Dog

Step out in the season's hottest looks that heat up the streets. Blended with wool, this incredibly chic cropped jacket is fashioned in allover contrast houndstooth pattern with sparkling glitter accents that get you noticed. Matching hood lends a hand to wide collar making way to an off-centered single button closure. Long bell sleeves and slit pockets make the look complete. Lined. $179 Made in China

What's the worst part about this jacket?

A) the collar
B) the glitter
C) the pattern
D) the horribly worded description
D) that it's made in China
E) that it's from Dereon, Beyonce's tacky-ass clothing line.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Fiber Optic Fridays: Deck the Doormat

Let this delightful doormat ring in the season with a spectacular display of music and colorful fiber optic lights. Mat plays 8 holiday favorites including "Jingle Bells", "Silent Night", "Deck the Halls", and more! Activates when stepped on. Sponge clean. Polyester. Req. 4 button cell battery (incl.). 26" x 14". imported Price: $17.99

Activates when stepped on. Really? That's nice. What about when it's stomped on? Or kicked across the street? Don't go just yet: if you click here, you can hear a lovely sample of this waste of eighteen dollars.

Would you like to see more fiber optic crap like this? Of course you would, so tune in each week for
Fiber Optic Fridays!

Guess How Much: Jewelry

Guess How Much for this dingy , dirty-looking watch?
A) $23
B) $48.99
C) $1000 fucking dollars
D) free. It's been under my bed since 1989.
E) none of the above

E) none of the above. "The wooden bracelet of the Paris/Berlin fashion duo BLESS (Desiree Heiss, Ines Kaag) creates high fashion on the basis of poor material, by precisely hand copying a cheap wristwatch in carved wood through craftspeople in Asia. Material: Ebony wood"

It's not even a real watch, suckers! And it costs $395 to boot! And how much you wanna be that "...craftspeople in Asia" translates into "third world child labor."

Made from Real Dinosaur Skins

Gorgeous velour shirt has the casual feel and luxurious look that any woman will appreciate. It’s easy fit makes it a great choice for gift-giving. Button front and cuffs 100% polyester. Machine wash. Imported. $19.99

I often wonder what the model is thinking while wearing these clothes, so I've asked our resident body language expert, Dr. Stance. He says, "She's very embarrassed to be in this. Is it a Barney costume? Both her arms are in a defensive mode and she is trying to hide behind her hair. And the smile is clearly fake. I would put her on suicide watch."

Just Pee In Their Sink

Tinkles The Toilet Cat - Listen for shrieks from the bathroom when your guests open the toilet lid to find­ a soaking wet cat! This black and white cat looks none too happy about falling into the toilet! Attaches to the underside of the toilet seat rim with suction cups included. Plastic. Original Price $14.99 Now Only $8.97 (Save 40%)

Because any real cat would just sit quietly in the toilet and wait to be rescued. And once the lid is raised, it would just sit there, looking all "woe is me," while some stupid frat-boy-looking kid overreacts and realizes that he has to pee in the sink.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

For the Executive Who Still Takes the Bus

Executive Desktop Set - This sleek set looks great on the desktop while keeping pens and business cards organized and at your fingertips. The insulated, stainless steel, spill-proof mug keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. The detachable LCD clock displays date, time and temperature in Fahrenheit and Celsius. Also features 12 & 24 hour modes, daily alarm with snooze function, timer, and important date reminders for birthdays and anniversaries. It even plays 6 different songs. Weighted base. Includes one button cell battery and instructions. $11.99

Whew. Shut up, already, you guys! I am shocked that I didn't find this at the Sharper Image. These tacky, toy-like "executive sets" really make me wonder: would my CEO really use this? Does he already have one? And how fast would I get fired for giving this to him? Click here to see other office gadgets.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Toys R Us

Girlfriend Pillow - Give your favorite lonely pal a little company and make his next Saturday night a little more lively. Hilarious pillow wears a polka dot bikini top, a bracelet and bright red fingernails. Flip its switch and it vibrates. Makes a conversation-starting addition to any bachelor's d├ęcor. Polyester plush. 19"H x 13"W. Requires 2 "D" batteries (not incl.) $14.99 [collectors etc]

"So then I told Jenny, I was like, Omigod, I love your jacket and she was like, Thanks, I got it at the Gap, and I was like, You're lying! That's so Prada! and she was like You think so? and I was like, I totally want one! Let's go to the Gap--"



"Please shut the fuck up, or I'll replace you with a headless, legless, one-armed, bikini-top wearing, vibrating toy that never talks and watches the game with me while I spill popcorn all over the couch."

"Um, okay..."


"There's nothing like silver and gold to make a girl sparkle! You'll make a stunning entrance wearing one of these shimmering toppers made with hundreds of shiny sequins sewn onto a cotton-twill cap. Extra-wide brims. 100% cotton. Imported. Colors: Silver, Gold. One size fits most. $24.99"

I'm going to start watching MTV every day now. Some jackass rapper is bound to be wearing one of these. They're blindingly ugly.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Las Vegas Has a Baseball Team Now?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Because Teachers Don't Suffer Enough?

Banishing school-day blues and waiting room monotony...these ties wake up his work wardrobe with color and style! Featuring vibrant prints on a silky navy background, each makes a fun gift for any occasion. 100% polyester. 55" long x 3 1/4" wide. $10.39

With the holidays coming, you should know what to do if if you should find yourself on the receiving end of one of these:

1. Do not panic. Smile graciously and pull tie out of box.

2. Suggest that the giver "try it on."

3. Gently place tie around giver's neck. Smile or laugh to put the wearer at ease.

4. Laugh and yank taut until giver's face turns purple.

At Least She Didn't Bring it to School

What is this?
Is it:
A) a spy camera?
B) a tube of mood matching lipstick?
C) a cell phone?
D) the most bizarre thing you'll see all day?
Click Read More to find out. Parental Guidance is suggested. (I love saying that).

[From Carol Wright Gifts] The ultimate in discretion! With the lid off, this sleek, compact personal massager looks like an ordinary tube of lipstick. But, it's packed with a powerful massager for intense vibration and extreme sensual pleasure. Carry it anywhere - in purse, luggage, cosmetic bag - or leave on vanity or nightstand. 1AAA battery (not included). 3 1/2"H.

Mom: Lindsay, where are you?

Lindsay: I'm playing make-up!

Mom: Oh, how cute... HOLY FUCK! (bolts up stairs)

Lindsay: Hi, Mommy! There's something wrong with your lipstick... When I rub it on my lips it won't stop shaking!

A Fly on the Kitchen Wall

Metal Wall Tiles. Add a decorative touch, or cover up a damaged wall. Self-stick metal tiles resist grease, stains, chips. Pack of 24. Wipe clean. 4 1/4" square each. $9.99

You know what I can't wait to see? When someone buys these, starts slapping them up, then they get to the end, realize they have no way to cut them and out come the scissors. Oh, to be a fly on the wall...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Twinkie Tuedays: Faux-jitas

(Blogger's Note: In showing the Twinkie cookbook to my mother over the weekend (she recoiled in horror), I left it at her house, so the "official" start of Twinkie Tuesdays will be next week, I promise. For now, enjoy this sickening recipe I found online. It's just as bizarre and nasty as the ones in the book, so don't feel like you're getting cheated. Plus, this recipe requires for the Twinkies to be mashed, which makes it that much more disgusting. Enjoy!)

Twinkie Tacos

By April Vandecamp
Items Needed:
2 Hostess Twinkies (mashed)
2 Flour tortillas
Ground cinnamon
Marshmallow whip
Maraschino cherries

DIRECTIONS: Fry tortilla in buttered frying pan until crispy and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. Spread mashed Twinkies on tortilla and top with with warmed marshmallow whip and colored cherries! Ole!"

What's your honest reaction to this recipe?

a) it's not a taco, not even close.
b) there's no cheese! wtf?
c) I'm going to throw up
d) Oh my God...
e) I'd rather eat that plate.

I think April could use a good bitch slap April for adding "Ole!" to the end of her directions. And not that I care, but what's the second tortilla for? Do you slap it on top and make a bastardized quesadilla? Or do you roll them both around the mess and make faux-jitas?

Barbie's Dream House No Longer Dreamy

Self-standing handrail fits around any toilet, no installation nessary. Gives handicapped, elderly or convalescent extra support needed to sit or stand, allows more independence and privacy. Does not get in the way when not needed, or can be easily removed. Strong steel tubing with rust-resistant vinyl finish. 25-3/4" x 25". 14.98

Bad Staging of the Week goes to this item without a doubt, and it's only Tuesday. Is this Harriet Carter's bathroom? Or has Barbie traded in her Corvette for a Buick? I shudder to think what's happened to Ken.

Why Italy May Nuke Us One Day

"Appian Way Pizza complete with crust mix and sauce. Create your own pizzaria style pizza at home."

I was grocery shopping in Queens when this, the Mac n' Cheese equivalent of pizza, caught my eye. I gasped out loud and grabbed the box off the shelf, eyes wide with excitement. The other customers looked at me like I was off my meds, but I didn't care. (Look at that picture. Have you ever seen something so sad in your life?) I scrambled to write the name down on my shopping list. I put the box back on the shelf and wondered why anyone would ever consider trying this ketchup n' cardboard pizza "kit", especially in New York City.

Once home, I searched for this online. Oddly, this is available in bulk via The three glowing reviews (please go there and see them) make me immediately suspect that they are written by the same person. (Sample: "My parents used to make this pizza every Friday night. It was the highlight of the week, and has contributed to my genuine love of pizza.)

Back in high school, I personally witnessed a kid drop his pizza face-down on the floor. He picked it up and ate it. If I had to choose between that and this, I'll take my chances with the floor.

Monday, October 15, 2007

A YMAL Book Review: the Twinkies Cookbook

"It's everyone's favorite, cream-filled treat. In honor of Twinkies' 75th anniversary, Hostess-maker of this fine snack-put out a call for recipes that use Twinkies! The response was overwhelming and resulted in many creative ideas. Viewed as the official Twinkies cookbook, it's fun (and delicious!) to own. Printed in USA. Hardcover, 112 pp.; color photos. $12.99"

Brace yourselves for a shocker, kids. I was so intrigued (and freaked out) by this that I went out and bought a copy for myself at Barnes and Noble, where, curiously, this was displayed in the "Cookbook" section, rather than, say, the "Humor" or "Horror/SciFi" section.

The book's subtitle is "an inventive and unexpected recipe collection," and they certainly hit the mark there. It is far and away the most disgusting book you will ever read.

(Click Read More to read the rest of my review, plus a surprising announcement.)

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "What the hell can you make with a Twinkie?" Well, as it turns out, a lot. You can make desserts, cakes, drinks, even main courses, although you'll have to chop, slice, mash, blend, freeze, batter, tear, dip, fry, bake, mutilate and disembowel said Twinkies first. All manner of atrocities are committed in creating these "dishes".

There is even a section entitled "Twinkies and Meat," which I can't believe got published without a warning label. Some of the recipes include photos, others leave you to your imagination. If they look unappetizing here (even with the aid of food stylists, lighting, props, trick photography and Photoshop), just imagine how they'll look on the buffet table at your neighbors Christmas party.

All of the recipes are introduced by their creators, and soon a recurring theme emerges: Twinkies recipes are usually accidents, with Twinkies substituted for bread or cake at the last minute to "save the day." They try to make it sound as if they're accomplished chefs, renowned for their abilities to improvise in an emergency.

What are you looking at? You mean you don't keep Twinkies on hand, right next to the flour?

Sadly, the book features no nutritional information.

I don't know if it's the perfect coffee table book, the funniest book ever published, or the ultimate "get-the-hell-off-carbs-and-never-look-back" book.

What I do know is that this will make for a fine recurring feature here at YMAL. "Twinkie Tuesdays" will feature one new (and nauseating) recipe from the Twinkies cookbook, so stay tuned!

Guess How Much: Office Furniture

Guess How Much for this lovely office chair?

A) $49
B) $200
C) $999
D) none of the above

D) Sit on the floor, losers, you are not worthy of this chair! It costs a whopping $1519 (plus $115 for "processing") at Horchow, part of their stuffy, clenched-jaw "Montclair" office furniture collection. "Desk chair has a top-grain leather seat and a hairhide back. Chair has a wooden frame and sits on a five-prong base with casters. Overall, desk chair measures 23"W x 29.5"D and adjusts from 41.25"-44.25"H with a seat height of 18.5"-22.5"H. Made in the USA."

Great for Starting Real Fires, Though

Cozy hearth creates an instant holiday glow with realistic 3-D flame! No gas logs or messing with wood. Hang stockings from the mantel and add decorations on top. Corrugated brick pattern fiber board assembles to 40 x 8 x 31". $19.99

Ahem. "No gas logs or messing with wood," as if you're going to use this to cover up your existing fireplace.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Because Knives are Obsolete

Serve up sandwich sensations-minus the crust! This slicer works like a cookie cutter to safely create crustless sandwiches. Great for making finger sandwiches and appetizers too. Dishwasher-safe plastic. $4.99

Hey crybaby! Does crust bother you? Do you throw a tantrum when you're served crust? Do you consider yourself high society if you request a sandwich with the crusts cut off at a restaurant, even if it's just peanut butter and jelly? Well, crazy, your gadget has arrived.

Mary Poppins, Eat Your Heart Out

Ordinary umbrellas require the use of at least one hand, which you definitely need for other things when you're caught in the rain! The Hands-Free Umbrella attaches comfortably around your shoulder, keeping your hands completely free for opening doors, carrying shopping bags or walking the dog. Metal shaft is 36" long; nylon hood is 41" diameter open. $14.99

Alright kids, Quiz Time!

What's the best part of the hands-free umbrella?

A) it's something to laugh at in the street on a dreary rainy day

B) when a gust of wind comes, she goes airborne

C) when she tries to get into a cab and has to detach it first

D) when she leaves a store with arms full of groceries and tries to put this back on in the middle of a downpour