Friday, September 28, 2007

Cookie Monster

It's been a long time since I've had a fast food post, (click here to see my others) and this piece of shit makes it worth the wait. Domino's, not satisfied with their current line up, has apparently reached an all-time low in the creation and marketing of the world's worst attempt at dessert, a sickly, nauseating Frankensteined creation called Oreo Dessert Pizza. And just so you know it's for dessert, and not, say, breakfast, they've made sure to include "dessert" as part of the name. A new low for fast food consumers.

Who's fault is this? Is it the fools running around the test kitchen at Domino's, who are apparently too stupid to live, or the people at Oreo, which, as they like to brag, are America's favorite cookie. Looking at the website for Oreo, you don't get the sense that they're hard up for money. The site features their core products and variations of it. Everything from the original cookie, all the way to Oreo ice cream cones. There's Oreo double stuff, mint Oreo, fudge mint, peanut butter, mini get the idea. At the end of the day, they're just variations on a theme. Still a cookie and still delicious. You wouldn't even suspect that tomorrow, they might try to force themselves into the fried chicken market, or add salad dressing to their line up. Mmm, I'll have the Low-fat Oreo French dressing, please.

Something tells me it's Domino's fault, then, with their desperate need to expand their pizza line up. Hey, guys! Oreo cookies are best served right out of the damn box, maybe with a tall glass of milk, not crushed and served up on a tasteless thin pie crust with some mystery glaze all over them. Oreos are too good to be defiled in such a shameless way. I can't believe the folks at Nabisco would approve of this. If you don't think the idea is bad, then check out the commercial, forever immortalized on You Tube. It's less of a commercial and more of a public service announcement on the dangers of experimentation.

Picture Pen Will Never Leave You

Picture pen is a perfect stocking stuffer! Just insert a picture of a family member, pet or other favorite photo. Also makes a simple, yet thoughtful Secret Santa gift at the office. Uses standard refills. $6.98

It's the answer to the age-old question: How do I get people to stop stealing my pens?


Las Vegas Has a Baseball Team Now?

Add sparkle and glamour to your outfit, when you wear this cap that glistens with hundreds of sequins. Extra-wide brim. Adjustable cling-strip back strap. 100% cotton twill. Imported. Color: Royal Blue. One size fits most. $24.99

Sparkle and glamour to your outfit? I would like to see that outfit, actually. What do you wear with this that won't make you look like one of the Golden Girls? (also available in red, below. yikes)

Da Garbage

Goldplated Painters Palette Quartz Watch 8in
Accessorize with a splash of color! Our watch is a unique design, with its palette-shaped face framed in goldplate, dobs of "paint" to mark the hours, and a genuine, black-leather band. Quartz movement. Sweep second hand. Gift boxed. Fits wrists to 8". $19.98

Aside from the fact that you're better off bolting a sundial to your arm than wearing this, what's the scariest thing about this stupid watch?

A) The shape
B) The name - "Da Vanci" (click to enlarge and you'll see it)
C) The goldplating
D) That you can get it gift boxed
E) That someone out there is going to get it as a gift
F) All of the above

Thursday, September 27, 2007

What, No Hashbrowns?

Breakfast Clock brightens any kitchen are and will remind you to start the day with a hearty breakfast. Aluminum knife and fork hands keep track of the time. Ceramic, 9 3/4"D, quartz accurate, requires one AA battery, not included. $39.98

In addition to starting the day with a hearty break-fast, the oh-so-chic Breakfast clock reminds you that:

1) T
wizzlers are now part of a balanced breakfast

2) Rice Krispie walls are the latest trend in kitchen renovations


3) M
iniature cutlery is totally going to take off

Shift Model Apparently Scared Shiftless

Lightweight Cotton Shifts. Comfortable enough for a house dress, nice enough to visit the store. Full cut, with nothing to restrict your movements. Red and blue multi-print. 100 percent cotton fabric drapes in soft folds from wide V-neck to mid-calf. Side seam pockets. Machine wash, imported. Was 29.99, now $15.00

Ooh, it's imported! Like that means anything today. My favorite line: "...nice enough to visit the store." Which store? Saks? or 7-11?

Now look at this poor model's face. (click to enlarge, and brace for impact) Is it just me, or does she look absolutely terrified to be caught in this hideous house dress?

Missing: Pumpkin Headed Wife

Our "pick" of fall's cutest accessories! This cozy fleece hat is done up in bright pumpkin orange with fresh green trim and style that's home-grown fun. Adjustable drawstring fits most sizes, ages. In a soft 50% cotton, 50% polyester blend. 11" diameter. Imported. $5.99

The VHS tape arrived in the mail in a tattered envelope. The family gathered around the VCR, gently slid it into the machine and pressed PLAY. On the screen appeared their missing mother, sitting on the floor against the wall of her concrete cell. Her captor held a microphone to her mouth. She spoke softly, reading the prepared message.

"Hi, everyone, it's me,, my captors are treating me well...and I haven't been tortured...please stop..."

Suddenly, the microphone was pulled away from her. The captor, out of frame, began to yell. "Listen to us, foolish American consumers! We don't wan't your stupid money. We don't want your over-the-hill mother either. Our only demand is that you cease making and buying these ridiculous hats. If you do not comply with our demands, we will cut off your mother's head, empty it, put a cute little tea light inside of it and display it on our doorstep for all the trick-or-treaters to see."

Mr. Beer Will Never Get You Laid

Mr Beer® You’ve got great taste in beer, and you want your beer to taste great, too. Now you can enjoy your favorite suds at home with this simple, in-home brew system. Kit is complete with everything you need to brew 2 gallons of rich, high-quality beer, just like expensive microbrews. Includes brew keg with lid and tap assembly, standard brew pack, 8 reusable plastic 1 liter bottles with caps, labels, instructions and brewer’s guide. Standard brew pack included makes West Coast Pale Ale. For refills and more great-tasting options, try the Mr. Beer® 3-Beer Variety Pack with 3 beer mixes, 3 Booster™ pouches and 3, OneStep™ packets. $30

Hmm, let's see: which would you rather have?

A) A few cases of beer (any brand you like), good friends and a good time.
B) A room full of dirty looks after you've decided that this is good enough to serve at your party, plus eternal virginity.


Guess How Much: Furniture

Is this bizarre chest of drawers:
A) $2600
B) $23,401
C) priceless, for it is "art"
D) $2 million
Click Read More to find out.

B) $23,401. I had to do a double take when I saw that too. Here is what the description on the website says: (Try not to throw up.) "Design: Tejo Remy (NL) for Droog Design 1993. All drawers are collected from the street and re-used in this chest. Each chest is unique. Numbered Edition!"

Nope, I have no idea why these people are hugging it. Does it come shipped like this? Do they need to hold it together? Because 23 grand buys a lot of screws and nails. Don't you just love art?
[source: POAA]

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How Many Poodles Have to Die?

This season's most original sweater arrives in gorgeous caramel gold with pretty rabbit fur pompoms accenting a beautiful portrait collar. Fur pom sweater and matching skirt flow over your curves in a warm knit blend that will make this set a cozy favorite. Skirt is 32" in length for size M. Fur Pom Sweater Set is acrylic knit/rabbit fur; machine wash. Imported. $119 - $129

This has to be the absolute worst use of fur ever. She looks like she's wearing some kind of hideous poodle necklace. Apparently this is some kind of mutant rabbit fur that is also washable. Where is PeTA when you need them?

Kids Today Don't Know the Value of a Penny

Wooden Treasure Chest is brimming with 25 Lincoln wheat pennies plus a rare 1943 Lincoln steel penny that was minted in World War II. You’ll receive pennies that are over 60 years old! This is a wonderful gift for a young coin collector who can seek out additional wheat pennies to add to the chest. 4 ¾” L x 3 ½” W.

Oh, yes, this is exactly what modern kids want-useless pennies in an even more useless box. Screw X-boxes, iPods and the promise teenage sex and alcohol, they dream of wheat pennies. At least the box is good for storing their drugs, though.

Slipper Bathmat Will Kill You, Eventually

A bathmat with slippers build right in! Perfect for keeping your feet clean and warm after a luxurious bath! $49

Quiz time! How many steps will you manage to make before you fall and crack your head open on the bathroom sink?

a) 2

b) 5

c) 3

d) I'll get all the way out to the living room where I'll trip over my cat and crack my head open on the coffee table.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

You're Better Off Throwing Out the Doors

Cabinet instant makeover updates worn-out cupboards, counters and drawers. New cabinets are very costly, but these PVC sheets immediately give tired wood a new "finish" at a fraction of the cost. Easy-to-apply, just peel, stick, and trim to fit. Four "richly grained" "woods" available. One 12' x 17¾" roll covers 18 sq.ft. $24.98

Just imagine the hideous color combinations people will come up with. Because nothing says "plummeting resale value" like DIY two-tone kitchen cabinet doors.

And it Causes Vertigo, Too

Richly-colored, in slices of gray, purple and black, the "Vertigo" Chenille Print Shirt by Stacy Adams® has plush, chenille panels you'll love to touch. Chenille print shirt is polyester; dry clean. Imported $59.95

Apparently imported from Queens Mall, circa 1987. I can't look any more. And neither should any of you.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Bedside Carafe Wants Your Gentle Touch

More and more folks are discovering the convenience of a bedside water carafe. Ours features a hand cut, etched floral design in pure crystal, holds 23 ounces, 7" high. Crystal tumbler holds 9 ounces, is 4" high, and fits over the neck of the carafe. Great for bed patients, too.

With everything today made out of shatterproof plastic, we have this throwback to the 1920's made of lovely fragile crystal, for use, mostly, in the dark. Sure to get knocked over and shattered on the first night as you reach over to turn on your lamp. (Mop and bucket not included)

Guess How Much: Boxes

Is this eyeglass box:
a) 25.00?
b) 430.00?
c) 98.95?
d) free with purchase of 2 pairs prescription eyeglasses?
click Read More to find out

b) $430.00 (US dollars, not British pounds or euros) Is this so you can have guests come over and fawn over your priceless collection of... prescription eyeglasses? Get over yourself.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Freaky Friday

What is this?
Click here to find out.

I'll Bet the Other Kid's Name is Chad

Bright, neon-orange pumpkin carries sweet loot, bearing the name of someone who's cute! Generous nylon trick-or-treat bag features a jack-o-lantern face on one side; we'll embroider your trick-or-treater's name on the other. Specify name; limit 1 line, 12 letters/spaces. Durable nylon with two sturdy handles.13" wide x 9 3/4" high. $8.99

Putting aside the nauseating little rhyme they used in the first sentence, let's get to the real problem here. Hunter? Who the hell names their kid Hunter? What is this, a soap opera?

You Can Quote Me On This

Beautiful "Pearl" Watch. Add glamour to your look with this stunning "jeweled" watch. It features a stylish, square face surrounded by dazzling diamond cut stones and a stretch bracelet band with three rows of fabulous faux pearls! Comes with precision-accurate quartz movement and sweep second hand. Available in white or pink. $12.99

There they go again with those stupid legal "quotes". Oh, yes, this is "quite" beautiful. I'm "sure" this will be a "valuable" addition to any "expensive" "jewelry" collection. It will be "passed down" from "generation to generation". A true "family heirloom."

Endorsed by Adam West

He'll cause a stir in this designer dress shirt with cool, “batwing” collar and embroidered logo on the front pocket. French cuffs have dyed-to-match cuff links (not shown). Choose 34" sleeve in neck sizes 15 1/2", 16 1/2", 17 1/2" or 18 1/2" or 36" sleeve in neck sizes 16 1/2", 17 1/2" or 18 1/2". Batwing Shirt from Stacy Adams® is cotton/polyester; machine wash. Imported. Choose cream or white. $39.95

"Cool" batwing collar? Since when? Are they hoping this might start a trend? I think not. Unless the collar comes off for use as a weapon, I'm not interested. Although I'm sure the nauseating tie could be used to subdue an attacker with a single glance. Just another unintentional Halloween-themed item. Total coincidence, I swear.

Playtime is Over

The PLAY! Coffee Table has a slide-puzzle top. With each arrangement, the missing piece reveals one of sixteen storage boxes. $4,999.00

An (expensive) adult version of that puzzle with the numbered tiles that everyone had as a kid. (I used to cheat and pop the pieces out to get them in order.) Just imagine trying to find something in a hurry, only to end up ripping all the covers off in anger. Or inviting company over to see it, only to have some jackass spill Diet Coke all over it.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

For the Birds

Light-up Hummingbird Wind Chime sparkles all day in the sunshine, then shines at night at the flip of a switch! Colorful hummingbirds flit about in the breeze in pastel shades of pink, green, blue, purple and yellow. On/off switch is hidden on top of chime. Uses 3 AA batteries (not included). Each bird is 3" H; wind chime is approx. 32" L overall. Sturdy plastic. $14.98

Can't you just imagine the commercial for this?

(black and white grainy footage of frustrated woman struggling with metal wind chime)

Voice over: "Ordinary windchimes are boring and they're hard to see at night. They rely on complicated weather patterns to operate, which makes indoor use impossible." (woman drops wind chime on concrete floor, which breaks apart)

(cut to color shot of narrator) "Hi, I'm Anthony Sullivan here to show you an amazing technological breakthrough! Introducing, the battery-powered Light-up Hummingbird Wind Chime! Now you can enjoy beautiful chimes anytime, anyplace. Just insert two double-A batteries, hang anywhere you like, and flip the switch. Advanced microchip technology fills the room with impressive sound. It's that easy.

Now you can enjoy beautiful chimes without the need for wind power. And unlike ordinary windchimes that are hard to see in the dark, the Light-up Hummingbird Wind chime's hummingbirds glow in five brilliant colors!

The Light-up Hummingbird Wind chime is only $14.95. Order now and we'll give you a second Light-up Hummingbird Wind Chime absolutely free! Here's how to order..."

Not Pleather

Our Denim Leather Handbag is created using a unique process that tricks the eye. Denim material is embossed over supple leather to create a special textured effect-you have to touch it to believe it's not denim! The front has two snap-flap "jean" pockets for western chic. A zip-top closure keeps contents secure. Inside, the pink fabric-lined interior has a cell-phone pocket and a zip pocket. 36" shoulder strap. 11" x 11 1/2". $69.95

It tricks the eye alright. And it churns the stomach, too. Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to Frankenstein these two fabrics together? Just imagine the confusion it will create.

Sally: Hi, Mae! How y'all doin?

Mae: I'm doing just great!

Sally: Is that a new purse?

Mae: Why, yes it is!

Sally: Well, isn't that stunning! Is that denim? (rubs fabric)

Mae: No...guess again...

Sally: (rubs fabric) Is it...leather?

Mae: No...guess again...

Sally: Oh...OH! It's not pleather, is it? Please say it isn't pleather! I would just die! I just can't have my best friend be seen in pleather...

Mae: (laughs) Oh, Lord, no! Guess again.

Sally: (stands back, hands on hips) Oh, come on Mae, are you pullin' my leg? What in the hell is goin on here?

Mae: Well, my denim leather handbag was created using a unique process that tricks the eye! Denim material is embossed over supple leather to create a special textured effect! And it was only seventy dollars!

Sally: Oh my God. Is it...

Mae: That's right. Deather.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Stinky Staging

Odor Eliminator destroys smells on contact without adding a scent. Remove even the toughest odors caused by mold, mildew, smoke and more. Non-toxic formula is strong enough for funky refrigerators, pet areas, cigarette smoke and trash cans, yet gentle enough to use on upholstery, clothing and skin. 16 fl. oz. spray. $9.98

And just in case you're not totally sure of what Odor Eliminator can do for you, they've provided this lovely visual to drive it home.

No More Freedom Fries for You

I'm Not Fat T-Shirt. This in-your-face, generously sized shirt shows you're proud to be American, whatever the size! 100% preshrunk cotton. Imported. Color: White. Sizes: M (40-42), L (44-46), XL (48-50), XXL (52). $17.95

WTF of the Year Award goes to this item, which takes "Ugly American" to a whole new disastrous level. No ballots, no voting. Just the hands down winner. Is this some kind of blanket excuse to be obese and arrogant? And are you supposed to wear this on your trip to Europe? (note: after I found this item, it mysteriously disappeared from the website where I found it. Creepy.)

Real Mink Is Less Offensive

Indulge in the sheer luxury of beautiful, faux-mink slippers. Available in two popular styles, these wonderful, plush slippers have comfy cushioned soles that are a treat for your feet-like walking on clouds! Pamper yourself, or give them as gifts. Nonskid bottoms. 100% acrylic. Machine washable. Imported. Color: Brown. Sizes: S (5-6), M (6 1/2-7 1/2), L (8-9), XL ( 91/2-10 1/2). $29.95

WTF? "Beautiful faux-mink slippers?" Jesus. That's like saying, "Elegant housing project." No such thing.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Off With Her Head

Strike a gorgeous pose in our exclusive, black suit, revived with the classically royal colors of violet and sungold. Jacket has a superbly styled collar that folds in and around the lapel for a unique "origami" effect. Contrasting cuffs draw the eye toward the skirt with matching ruffles. Jacket has feminine princess seams and beaded button. Skirt has back zip and elastic waist inset (34" long in size 10). Polyester crepe; dry clean. Imported. $179.00 (hat $109, bag $99) (click to enlarge)

Here's what they have to say about that ridiculous hat: "This style is a special treat for women who know how to wear hats." What it should say: This style is a special treat for bloggers who know how to spot a royal mess.

Photoshop 101

Stay warm and cozy all winter long with the plush, 2-ply cold-and-wind protection of our ultra-soft and toasty fleece neck-warmer. Made with 4-way stretch to slip easily over your head, it comfortably insulates your neck, ears, nose and mouth from the elements. Imported in 100% polyester. Machine wash. Black. $6.99

How to market your polyester sweater to both sexes when you only have one model:

1. Photograph male in sweater.

2. Cut male head out of photo at the neck.

3. Paste female head onto sweater body. Don't worry if the head is blurry and obviously from another photo.

4. Upload photo onto server, publish onto website.

Guess How Much: Have a Seat

There is no mistaking the minimalist look of Matthias Demacker's Icon stool! The piece is made from two sheets of aluminum, bent and welded into two dramatic, triangular shapes. The segments meet at their most precarious points, but the stool remains perfectly balanced! A fantastic example of formal reductionism! Stackable and compact, the Icon is available in red, black, white or aluminum with a removable, black cushion.

Is this stool:
a) $49.99
b) $99.99
c) $549.00
d) $250.00
e) none of the above

e) Suckers. This piece of "stool" costs a whopping $729.00.


Little Joseph is a hand-painted, porcelain candle holder. We can't decide if he's sinister or sweet. Part of that will certainly depend on what you decide to do with his hair. Use dripless candles if you'd like to keep him bald, otherwise, give him pure white locks, beeswax locks, or hair in several shades of the rainbow. Made in the Czech Republic. $79.

I'm sure he's sinister, because that's the same face I make when I see shit like this. Especially at that price. But fret not, I'm sure these will find a shelf at the 99-cent store soon enough. (special thanks to Lori Magno)

Monday, September 17, 2007

Brings Out My Inner Arsonist

Diamond Plate Flames Camp Shirt. At first glance it's a handsome shirt, but the innovative, all-over design is actually a 3-D-effect of diamond plate, the metal used in flatbed trucks and semitrailers. The vivid-blue flames along the bottom add to the look. Shirt has a button front, pointed collar, side slits, and left-front pocket. 100% preshrunk cotton. Machine washable. Imported. Color: Gray/Blue. Sizes: M, L, XL, XXL. (XXL) $34.95

Wouldn't it be nice if those were real flames going up that shirt? (sigh) A boy can dream, can't he?

This Is Not a Halloween Costume (Technically)

Forest Spirit Skirt. If looks can liberate, this skirt will set you free! Fancifully designed to delight the eye, it tumbles in six pieced tiers of woodland harmony to lift your spirits and enchant the beholder. Side-zip closure; waist elasticized at center back. 95% cotton/5% linen. Hand washable. Imported. Color: Multi. Sizes: S (8), M (10-12), L (14), XL (16), XXL (18); 35" long. $69.95

Althought it's not marketed as such, I'm classifying this mismatched mess as a Halloween costume. Really. Where are you going in this? A Peter Pan convention?

You Gotta Have Faith

Hold a six-pack without your hands! Our fully adjustable beer belt allows for hands free convenience while keeping your precious beer at no further than an arm's length. Accommmodates both cans and bottles.

As bad as this is, you have to give them credit for using a realistic model for this item, who bears a striking resemblance to King of Queens' own Kevin James. (You know, I have to admit that there are days where I think I'm not going to find anything out there to post about. This reaffirms my faith.)

Friday, September 14, 2007

Shoulda Had a V8

Car armrest with storage makes long rides in the car comfortable and adds plenty of storage for driving necessities. Built-in hanging pocket has compartments for glasses, cell phone, mp3 player, maps and change. Padded cushion relaxes arm and makes it easy to find best driving position. Slides on drivers or passengers side.

Oh, yes, this looks very comfortable. A cheap vinyl covered armrest is just the thing to make long drives bearable. And I'm sure the center armrests of most cars are at this same height, so you'll never feel lopsided.

You Got Some 'Splaining To Do

SPIN ‘N’ SPARKLE JEWELRY TO A BRILLIANT SHINE! Electronic jewelry-cleaning brush safely and gently cleans your precious gems and metals without toxic cleaners, messy pastes, or the chance of loosening stones in settings. Your “sparklers” will look their loveliest in no time! Set includes cordless electric brush, 2 brush heads, one bottle cleaner solution (70 ml.), jewelry stand, buffer, polishing cloth, care booklet, nylon carry case. Uses 2 AAA batteries (not incl.).

This looks like something you'd have seen on I Love Lucy. Lucy would see this at a department store with Ethel. She would buy this, hoping to impress Ricky, only to have the spinning brush fling her wedding diamond right out the kitchen window.

It's Going to Be a Long Winter

REINDEER CAR DÉCOR alerts everyone to your Christmas spirit! No one will miss these reindeer antlers and big, bright red nose mounted to your vehicle, and people are sure to crack a smile at the sight. 3-piece set includes a pair of plush “antlers” (each 20" L) and a 7" diam. “nose”. Attach in seconds without tools; won’t mar surfaces. $12.98

Because SUV's aren't stupid looking enough.

Cross to Bear

Is this lovely ring...

a) $12.95?

b) $345.00?

c) free with purchase

d) $2,195.00?

Click Read More for the answer.

Relax, it's just $12.95 I know it looks so much more expensive, especially with that knock-off Tiffany blue background. This is the actual description: Intricate cross design highlighted by black enamel. Two-tone. No mention whatsoever as to what it's made of. Always a bad sign.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Johnny on the Spot

Stain Detector brings invisible stains and contaminants to light. Just turn out the lights and stain detector's ultra-violet reveals find stains invisible to the naked eye. Use to examine carpet for pet stains. Bring it on vacation to ensure the room's sanitary level is up to par. Includes built-in flashlight. Requires four AA batteries, not included. 6½ x 2 x 1". $9.98

I would imagine that, in the wrong hands, this thing would be quite dangerous. (Click Read More. Mature subject matter. Parental Guidance is suggested)

Crazy Woman: Hello? This is room 2. I need the manager to come here right away! I have an emergency!

(five minutes later, knock at door)

Manager: Yeah, what is it, lady?

Crazy: Look at this! (clicks on) Right on the bed! (clicks all over room) And on the drapes! And the floor! This is disgusting! What kind of hotel are you running here?

Manager: Actually, this is a Motel 6, and you only paid $45.00 a night.

Crazy: Don't you get smart with me! I know what I paid, you smug bastard! I deserve a spotless room, free of germs and stains!

Manager: Well, you know, other people have slept in this room before you. (smirks)

Crazy: What's so funny? What is it? I work hard for my money!

Manager: Yeah, so do most of the women who come here. (laughs)

Crazy: And what is that supposed to mean?

Manager: What do you think it means? Look, do the math, honey: 45-bucks a night, no minimum three night stay, no room service...

Crazy: (pauses, thinks)! (runs out the door, screaming, stain detector still in hand)

Manager: (on phone) Yeah, Marty, call Sharon back and tell her we have a room for her and her little "friend" now.

History's Mysteries

Seat Saver firms up sagging sofas & armchairs! Rejuvenate limp, crushed cushions with firm support panels. Place under cushion seats look and feel like new again! Wood slats fold to fit under any size cushion. 21-3/4" x 19" when open. $7.98

This time, the focus is not on the product as much as the picture used to push it. You'd think they could have used an actual chair, but I digress.

Here is a quiz for all you history buffs. (Hell, school is back is session so get used to it)

What era is the accompanying illustration from?

a) the 1940's

b) the 1950's

c) the 1980's

d) I don't care, I just want to know why her feet are so small and if what's up with her hair.

Oh, It Can Be Beat, Just Wait

Drum Set Alarm Clock gives you a wake-up call that can’t be beat! Incredibly detailed replica of a full drum set wakes you with a jazzy drum solo plus a “Good Morning” greeting. Quartz accurate timepiece has glow-in-dark numbers and hands on bass drum. Uses 3 AA batteries (not incl.). 11" L. $24.98


Who's the most pathetic?

a) the designers of the Drum Set Alarm Clock

b) Harriet Carter, seller of the Drum Set Alarm Clock

c) Anyone thinking, "Hey, that would make a great gift..."

d) all of the above

Bonus Quiz

How many strikes of a hammer will it take to destroy the Drum Set Alarm Clock?

a) 7

b) 3

c) I will use a sledgehammer, so 1.

d) I don't have a sledgehammer, but I have a pair of steel toed boots.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Some Things Shouldn't Be Sugar Coated

“CHILDPROOFED” PILLOW might not amuse the kids, but it will surely get a laugh from visitors and guests! Tapestry-look pillow brings a light-hearted accent to any chair or sofa. Poly/cotton with poly fill. 12" L x 8" W. Made in USA. $9.98

Allow me to translate what this pillow is really trying to say: "The fucking condom broke."

Because God Hates Dogs. He Said So.

"CATS ARE PROOF" TEE expresses a sentiment that all cat lovers believe to be absolutely, positively true! Pretty-in-pink tee is made of 100% cotton. Imported $14.98

It's the perfect gift for that crazy cat lady/bible thumper down the block.

Extremely Fashion

Nope. It just doesn't get any worse than this. Sometimes you just need to see something for yourself. I present the self-adhesive sunroof, just more proof that global warming is really just the sun getting pissed off at us.

Unfortunately, bidding has ended for this item. We can only hope and pray that more will be up real soon. In the meantime, check out the expired listing, with its bad grammar and typos such as this one: "Extremely fashion and new aparent sun roof, made of a sticker that will give any car the image of a real sunroof." Also take a look at the questions towards the bottom of the listing. Comedy gold, I swear.

(via Autoblog)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Monday, September 10, 2007

How Air Rage Starts

Knee Defender protects your legs from reclining airline seats. Just snap onto each arm of your airline tray table and slide into place. Stop that annoying passenger in front of you from leaning back! Ideal for tall passengers, parents with lap babies, or for travelers with laptops. Set of two, plastic. $14.98

Ahem. Probably the most bizarre product I've seen in a long time. As you can imagine, it's not too hard to see what will happen when these are snapped into place.

Stewardess: Is something wrong?

Javier: Yeah there is! My stupid seat won't recline!

Stewardess: Okay, you just have to press that little button right there and push back.

Javier: (pushes, grunts) Damn it. This seat is broken. I want to change my seat. Find me another seat. Right now.

Stewardess: I'm sorry, but this flight is completely full. You'll just have to sit tight. We'll be landing in just about seven hours.

Javier: Are you crazy? I can't sit like this! I need to eat!

Chris: (snickers) (under breath) More? You've eaten enough, buddy.

Stewardess: Is there a problem, sir?

Chris: No. Not at all. (snorts)

Stewardess: (peers over at tray table) Wait a minute. I think I found the problem. Sir, why don't you switch seats with this nice gentleman behind you.

Chris: Oh...shit.

Thorn in My Side

Designed by a registered nurse who suffers from fibromyalgia pain, the COMFORT-U PILLOW is the first and only pillow to completely surround you in total comfort. It is designed to relieve pain and promote better circulation while cushioning and supporting your neck and back for proper alignment. $129.99 - 169.99.

Now, while I do admit that I might want one of these, I have major issues with the stupid staging. Who sleeps like this,with a rose? WTF? And with carefully placed rose petals, too. Whoever staged this should be sleeping with the fishes.

Did They Even Test This Thing?

Experience the freedom afforded by the lightweight, completely adjustable and portable ramps that make increased mobility a reality. Functional, three-section design allows ramps to contract easily for storage while the push-button locking mechanism ensures your constant safety. Ramps feature durable, nonskid treads and U-shaped tracks to prevent slipping and sliding. Simply store ramps in the convenient carry bag and hang over wheelchair handles.

Okay, which scenario is most likely scenario to arise with this product?

a) You'll spend an hour trying to get up this thing before you pass out from exhaustion.

b) You'll race of control on the way down and slam into a parked car, if not into oncoming traffic.

c) The home health aide pushing you up will trip on the stairs, fall down, and be decapitated as the chair rolls back.

d) Nothing. No one is stupid enough to fall for this.

Friday, September 07, 2007

How About "Neither"?

OLDER YOUNGER T SHIRT Older & Younger shirts Humorous "Older and Wiser" vs. "Younger and Cuter" Tees poke fun at age difference and unite parent and child. Finally an answer to the age old question of who is more desirable, both! Cotton. $16.98-$17.98.

Wow. While I don't know much about modern family dynamics, I can tell you that no one is going to be fighting over these two dogs. Are they competing for the same man? I hope it's at least a man who can fix both the daughter's dramatically bad posture and Mommy's mangled right hand.

Aunt Gertrude, Indian Giver

THE MONEY SHIRT is a priceless way to give a gift of money! Easy to assemble, just fold six crisp bills in half and insert them into our shirt form. From $6.00 to $600, one size fits all! Includes shirt form, gift wrap bag, note card, ribbon and complete instructions. Vinyl and nylon, 3¼ x 6¼". $8.98

Just imagine, unfolding this piece of shit to find six dollars from Aunt Gertrude, only to be told that she'll need the shirt form back so she can re-use it again next year.