Friday, August 31, 2007

Doggy Style

(As seen in a magazine in London.) Hotdoll is a natural (and beneficial for dog’s health) way to control its sexual impulses. This love doll for dogs is shaped to be grabbed easily by the dog’s paws like female hips. Hotdoll is designed in 2 sizes to be used by little dogs and by big ones! Its contrasted colors are made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes. The body is made by a plastic structure covered with a 1 cm technogel skin to create a soft touch. All orange parts are made of rubber, that way the doll grips on the floor. The pink hole needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons. To see a photo of this item in use, click Read More. (parental guidance suggested)

Time's Up

This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, flying up to 9' in the air, and will not cease ringing until the rotor is returned to the alarm clock base, compelling even the most stubborn sleepers to get out of bed on time. $39.95

You know, if you're going to let a cheap toy clock deprive you of the joys of a snooze button, maybe you should just sleep forever.
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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Looks Flammable, Too.

Rainbow Nightgowns. These beautiful, flowing nightgowns in a rainbow of lovely pastels feature scalloped hems and petal sleeves accented with lace borders. Imported in satiny nylon tricot. Washable. Available in sizes: SM(8-10), MED(12-14), LG(16-18), 1X(18W-20W), 2X(22W-24W), 3X(26W-28W) or 4X(30W-32W) $14.99

Washable? Really? This is a selling point now? I guess it's to keep people from confusing this for a disposable Tinkerbell Halloween costume. And would you look at that size run. Jesus. I'd imagine this stops being "flowing" at around size 1X.

Peasantly Surprised

Peasant Dress. This silky-soft dress is designed in sleek, easy-care polyester with generous shirring at the elastisized neckline for fullness, pretty flutter sleeves, side-seam pocket and a beautiful paisley border print. It's the perfect dress for summer. Imported. Machine wash and dry. $9.99

Such refreshing honesty, because you'll definately look like a peasant in this dress, begging for change on the corner and selling what's left of your body.

Turn Those Frowns Upside-Down!

I'm back kids, I'm back. Look out for all-new posts, starting Friday! In the meantime, find out what I've been up to the past two weeks in the United Kingdom.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Pass the Kleenex

Dear Readers:

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE... will be closed until August 30th. It's okay to cry. Just let it out.

Apples Are Better For You Anyway

(Thanks to Jennifer Schmidt for this tip) Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Our unique, patented device allows for the safe transport and storage of individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas anytime, anywhere. $6.99

Perfect for crybabies who get upset of the slightest thing. Just buy a lunchbox, okay? You can bring a sandwich, too. (Hint: put the banana on top of your algebra textbook.) Strange as this product is, with so many available colors (right), the strangest part comes from the FAQ page.

Q: "Is there a battery attachment?"
A: No. The Banana Guard was designed for its intended purpose only as a device to prevent banana trauma during transport.

Did I miss something? Is that is a joke? Could this be for transporting other similarly shaped items? Banana Guard

Club Sandwich

"I Love You" Sandwich Container. Pack their lunch with a little extra love! Durable 100% polypropylene container has sandwich-shaped design, seals tight to keep sandwiches fresh. Features a clear top compartment and a multicolored note pad so you can leave your loved one a message. 5 x 4 3/4 x 1 3/4"H, imported. $4.98

You just know how this is going down after little Johnny brings this to school.

Mother: Oh, my God! Johnny! What happened to your face?

Son: I got my ass kicked. They called me a momma's boy and then they took away my personalized sandwich container and threw it in the street. I went to get it and the bus came and ran over it. They hit me with sticks and called me a momma's boy, Mama. What am I gonna do?

Mother: You poor baby! (hugs him close) It's going to be alright. Here, sit down. Let me make you some alphabet soup and you can go play with your teddy bears. And don't you worry, I got a special two for one deal at Lillian Vernon, so tomorrow you can get beat all over again!

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Devil Wears Garbage

Special occasions require the total glamour treatment—and this beautiful "Vogue" Pleated Dress Suit with matching "Vogue" Hat & Pleated Handbag let you express your vibrant personality with style! Polyester; dry clean. Imported. Strike a pose in this fabulous, high fashion suit. Suit $189, plus size $199 Handbag $89 Hat $99

(click to enlarge image) Wow, this is hideous enough to give Anna Wintour an aneurysm. I'm a little disappointed that there are no matching shoes. I guess that would have been overkill.

Wry Clean Only

"It's All Muscle" t-shirt is a real gut-buster! He's sure to get some big belly laughs whenever he squeezes into this funny tee. The overweight image is printed on front and back for a hilarious effect. Machine washable. $16.98

So, is this for muscular guys to wear as a joke? Or for fat guys to wear to bring them even closer to suicide? In any event, since they're not posted here, I'll provide the washing instructions for everyone:

Machine wash hot
with like colors
chlorine bleach highly
tumble dry on high
hot iron until burned
Repeat until destroyed

Not Sweet, Just Low.

Sweetener Case Ends Powdery Messes in Your Purse. Not every restaurant has substitutes, now you can carry your own discreetly. Stainless steel is 2 3/4" x 2" x 3/4"; spring action lever secures packs. Specify up to 3 initials. $12.99

Possibly the most pathetic thing you could ever own. How many "ruined" dinners would it take to inspire you to order something like this? And engraved, no less. Just get over yourself, loser.

Friday, August 10, 2007

And I thought I was bad. Here's an interesting, if not infuriating website. Only because there are so many gullible people out there.

Tin Time

Inspired by the craftsman of the Black Forest, Cuckoo Clocks have been around since the mid 1700’s. This pendant was designed with the classic birdhouse style in mind, exhibiting more than 30 sparkling crystals surrounding the quartz clock. Presented beautifully as it hangs from the 24" gold tone chain can be worn as a necklace or a brooch. Measures 2 3/4" x 1". $19.97

So, if the chain is "gold tone", what is the pendant? Plastic? Scrap metal? Tin foil?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

When Technology Goes Awry

A mouse pad with a built-in speaker phone? What will they think of next? It’s jam packed with features galore including: Built-in phone book with 100 memories; 16 digits of telephone numbers and name display; real time alarm clock; 16 hold melodies; 12 languages and more. Made of durable plastic and takes 3 AA batteries available everywhere. Measures 11 1/2” x 7 3/4”. $29.97

Because a kidney-shaped mousepad with fake wood trim and a speakerphone is just what every serious computer user needs. I'm thinking this would be a great gift for my boss, or maybe the CEO. What will they think of next? I'm afraid to find out.
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Because Calendars Are Tacky

George Bush countdown clock lets you know exactly how much time the Pres has left in office. Set to January 20, 2009 (the date his second term ends) or reprogram to count down the days 'til a wedding, graduation, birthday or other special occasion. Functions like a real clock and features memorable moments during "Dubya's" administration. Hangs or stands, requires 3 AA batteries (not included). Plastic, 9 x 10 1/2". $29.98

A timeless piece for any discriminating collector, this will look lovely next to your Countdown to the Millenium Y2K Clock. (Note: this post has less to do with politics and more to do with what a piece of garbage this is)

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Across the Pond

Take a click over to my other blog Decaf Is A Sin, to check out my commentary on British signage.

Grandma: Grinding in Her Grave

Cast Iron Meat Grinder will grind many foods that electric processors just can't handle. It's just like Grandma used for soup and corned beef hash, meatballs and sausages! Grinds 2 pounds per minute with cutter disc. Measures 9" long; clamps instantly onto counters up to 1 5/8" thick. $29.99

Unless you are living out in the middle of nowhere and slaughtering your own livestock, this is a total waste. Ever hear of chopmeat? Readily available and pre-packed in your grocer's meat case.

Maybe it's just like Grandma used, but that doesn't mean you should use it too.

Don't Try This At Home

Hip protection shorts cut down on injuries and help relieve fear of falling. Shock-absorbing pads in side pockets protect hips from bruising and fractures. Comfortable shorts are made of 100% cotton, can be worn with or without included pads, which are removable. $39.98

Isn't it great how they used this lithe and young 20-something model to show off a device that will likely end up on a 65-year-old 200 lb woman? But I digress.

Edna: Oh, my God. There's a tumor on your hip! Call 911!

Lydia: Edna, calm down. I'm wearing my new hip protection shorts. Watch. (falls off chair, bounces, hits her head on the floor, dies)

Edna: Should I call 911 now? Huh? Edna?

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Genuine Pleather

Leather Lumbar Cushion relieves backache and fatigue so you drive or ride in luxurious comfort! Relax in supple patchwork leather that looks as rich as it feels, with back support, subtle contours and padded wings. Fits auto or office chair; measures 18" x 39". $17.99

It looks as rich as it feels you say? Well then it must feel like 3rd world poverty, because it's just horrid. Why even bother wasting the pleather on this? And my God, if this is how it looks new, just imagine it after about a month, when the "leather" starts to crack open and slice up the backs of your legs on a hot summer day.

He Should Step Out Into Traffic

He'll step out in style, wearing this guitar-shaped necktie! It's licensed by the Gibson company, makers of the famous guitars used by rock stars, country singers, and others. True to the Gibson tradition, this tie is quality made and has amazing, full-color details. It's a wonderful gift for musicians and music lovers. 100% polyester. Dry clean. Imported. 56" long. $22.95

God, this is just disgusting. Worse than Christmas ties. And dry clean? Please. If this gets cleaned at all, it will just get rinsed under the faucet in the bathroom of the Hard Rock Cafe to get the BBQ sauce out.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Just Turn a Blind Eye Next Time

Panoramic Rearview Mirror
Reduce Dangerous Blind Spots and get a 40% wider angle of vision. The Panoramic Rearview Mirror slips over your existing mirror for a more complete view of the road. Reduces distortion and headlight glare, too! Mirror measures 12 1/4" x 3" x 1 1/4". $9.99

Overheard at the Walter Drake graphics department:

Intern: Sir?

Boss: What the hell do you want? I'm enjoyin' my cigar.

Intern: Well, you see, I can't find the accompanying photo for our Panoramic Rearview Mirror.

Boss: So? Just get a shot of a regular rear view mirror and stretch it out in Photoshop. Just groogle it, or whatever the hell it's called. Jeez, do I have to do everything around here?

Intern: No, Sir. But, if I may interject, isn't that a bit...misleading?

Boss: Excuse me?

Intern: Well, we're not really showing the actual product, you see, just a...badly staged simulation.

Boss: (spits out cigar, smoke shoots out of ears, face turns red) Who do I look like, Harriet Carter? You can't talk that way to me! You're fired! But go pick up my dry cleaning first!

You'll Be Crying Anyway

Handy Onion Dicer chops onions, peppers, celery sticks in one quick motion. Enclosed case captures vapors to prevent tears. Stands upright to measure up to 2 cups for you to instantly add to recipes. Stainless steel blades, reinforced plastic and nonslip feet add to its durability! Measures 10 1/2" x 4 1/4" x 2 3/4". $15.99

Is it just me, or shouldn't they have peeled the onion first? And what's sadder than buying something because it's "As seen on TV?" Buying something that's "Similiar to As Seen on TV." Makes me want to cry.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Early Warning System

Apply lipstick once a day. Smear-free formula lasts up to 12 hours! Original mood-changing lipsticks change color instantly according to your individual body chemistry. Aloe Vera and Vitamin E moisturize, SPF 6 protects. Wild colors of MoodMatcher® lipsticks turn to Passion Pink, Ripe Raspberry, Summer Plum and more. Available in a set of 10 lipsticks in assorted colors.

What's the point of this? Is it some kind of early warning system? Will it warn of PMS or bipolar disorder? Because I know at least one person who needs a case.

(This is for you, S*, by request.)

Setting: reception area of law firm. Linda is reading her email when her speakerphone goes off.

Boss: Linda, would you come in here?

Linda: Yes, Sir. (lips are pink)

Boss: Now, Linda, I know how you were looking forward to that vacation of yours, but I'm afraid you'll have to postpone it.

Linda: Wha-wha-What? B-b-b-ut, I'm flying out tonight! (lips turn bright red)

Boss: I'm sorry, Linda. You had to know this might happen with all those lawsuits coming in regarding lead in baby toys.

Linda: I can't believe this! I'm going to lose my money!

Boss: I pay you pretty good. I don't see the big deal. Besides, with all the terrorism in the world today, we're probably doing you a favor. Why are your lips turning black?

Recipe For Disaster

Ice cream sandwich maker creates a special treat for you and your kids! Simply layer brownies or cookie crumbs with your favorite ice-cream in the special form, press, and the built-in cutter makes neat sandwiches a breeze. Save money and have fun! 5 x 3¼ x 2½". $14.98

So, it's not bad enough that you're too cheap to buy your kids ice cream sandwiches, but now you're trying to make them from scratch? Who are you kidding? I'm sure this will be fun when they disintegrate on the first bite, huge glops of (M&M?) ice cream and store-bought pie crust falling on the floor, followed by a catastrophic, ear-bleeding tantrum.

A Million Upchucks

LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS DAY OR NIGHT This delightful caftan is so comfortable, you'll never want to take it off. In fact, you'll even be tempted to sleep in it! It's that comfortable. Fashion import made of silky 100% wash and tumble dry polyester fits most sizes 8-28. $19.97

So, if this is a million bucks, just imagine what $19.97 gets you.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Marvel Comic

Motion mechanical gear clock will keep them entertained as seven separate gears move in synchronized motion to give accurate time. An engineering marvel. Hang or stand - requires 2 C batteries (not included), 7 x 5 1/2 x 3 1/4". $39.98

I don't know. I'm conflicted about their claims. An engineering marvel? Maybe. Ugliest clock arms on the planet? Damn right.

Have Your Cake And Serve It Too

Collapsible Cake Cover is big enough to protect your tallest layer cake, yet folds down to less than an inch for easy storage. Use indoors or outside to protect cakes, pies, bowls of fruit or salad. See-thru plastic cover keeps its shape with metal supports that fold flat. Wipe clean. 12" diameter x 6" H. $8.98

So... either buy something that's kinda bulky to store, but solid and sturdy, or buy this glorified rain hat/lampshade thing and walk really, really slowly with that cake.