Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Fountain of Youth

I've been feeling rather worn out and old lately, like Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I came across this great website and placed an order. I can't wait for it to arrive! I feel younger already! Don't forget to read the disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

Better Than Welfare!

So Broke Tee - how most of us feel by the middle of the week. We may be rich in humor, but a little more money would certainly be nice. 100% cotton. Made in USA. $12.98

And do you want to know why you're broke? Because you buy shit like this. If you wind up with one, don't worry. You can still put it to great use. Wear it when you go out with your friends. You won't have to pay a cover charge and everyone will buy you drinks. It also works great for begging on the subway or on street corners the next morning. Just make sure you are still a little drunk (bums aren't too lively) and don't shave or shower. You'll be rich before you know it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Rainbow Blight

Aqua Glow Rainbow Fountain casts a glorious shower of colors near a hot tub, pool or even in a garden! Enliven a pool party, or make simple summer nights more spectacular with dazzling streams of morphing color-lit water. Easy to install, completely powered by water from your garden hose. No batteries, wires or electricity needed. Plastic. $59.98

Warning: Should you find yourself hypnotized by Aqua Glow, please find the nearest body of water and jump in. If you know how to swim, then please find the nearest speeding bus and jump in front of it.

In One Mile, Turn Right Into East River

Talking Trip Advisor provides customized directions at a fraction of the cost of expensive GPS systems. Locate over 80,000 destinations without ever taking your eyes off the road. Plan city-to-city trips or find food, gas, hotels, campsites, hospitals and other services with on-screen routes or voice guide. Clips to the visor, small enough to fit in the palm of you hand. You'll never get lost again! Requires three AAA batteries (included). ABS plastic, 3 3/4 x 2 1/4 x 3/4". $29.98

Wow, this really does look impressive. It has three buttons, black and white calculator-grade graphics (click to enlarge) and uses AAA batteries, which, will run out in the middle of the trip while you fight with your bitter spouse.

Does it even communicate with a satellite? They don't say. Will it recalculate if you get lost? Probably not. Will you have the common sense to throw this out the window and ask for directions? Or will you just drive right off the cliff? Buyer beware. Actually, I'm very tempted to buy this, just to find out how bad it is. I'll just stick with my Garmin.

Monday, May 28, 2007

When Miniature Golf Is Too Much

Golfer actually makes the putt! Stuck in the office? Sitting at home on a rainy day? This miniature golfer is always ready to play! He swings his club and the ball rolls into the cup every time you push the button. Handsome grey shade is decorated by a series of golfer silhouettes. ABS plastic, 14 1/4"H, accepts up to 75 Watt bulb. $89.98

Oh, now I get it. Guys always get stuck in the office or have their games rained out, so this is the perfect substitute! What will they think of next? You know, I'll bet that Tiger Woods uses one of these when his Buick is in the shop and he can't get to the golf course.

I have an idea. Take your golf clubs out and use this lamp for practice! I'll bet you can make this baby fly right out the door into oncoming traffic!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Thank God I Don't Own a Gun

It's time for another short story. Enjoy!

(pronounced pin-nay-ran-gay-na-na)

Speed 4: Glove Compartment Commando

Worn comfortably behind the ear, this adjustable earpiece sounds an audible alarm should your head drop below the preset angle-helping to keep you from nodding off behind the wheel. Head tilt angle can be set at 15 degrees or 30 degrees. Includes on/off switch and button cell battery (LR44). Plastic. 13/4" long x 2" wide. $11.99

Why sleep when, for twelve bucks, you can have some cheap little gadget screech in your ear every time you move your head? Don't touch that dial! Screeeeeeeech! And pray that you don't get pulled over while you have this on.

Officer: License and registration please.

You: I can't move right now.

Officer: Excuse me?

You: I can't move. My head is rigged.

Officer: You tryin to be funny? Step out of the car.

You: Shit. Okay. (door opens, head dips)


Officer: Get down on the motherfuckin' ground! (tazer gun comes out)

(the end)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sorry, I Thought It Was a Stepping Stone

Garden Fairy is a "sprite"-ly addition to your lawn! Adorable 3-piece winged fairy will cast a charming spell over all who visit your garden. She'll rest happily amidst the blossoms or nestled in a rock garden. Beautifully detailed, all-weather poly/resin figure is 12" long from head to toe! $14.98

It's only Monday, but I predict that this will get Bad Staging of the Week. Whose grass is flat like that? And also, why the hell is she half in/half out of the ground? I thought fairies flew, I didn't know that they burrowed tunnels like moles. It would be only too easy to stomp this piece of crap into oblivion "by accident." Just another reminder to always wear boots, even in summer.

You May Also Like: Watch Out, Tinkerbell

Screw Macy*s

Light-up Fireworks Tee Signals "Hooray For The Red, White & Blue"! Colorful tee displays Old Glory surrounded by a blaze of fireworks, each lit up by a colored light bulb (6 bulbs in all). Included batteries and bulbs remove for washing. 100% cotton.USA made.

Why watch the fireworks on TV when you can put this on and stand in front of a mirror? Stunning, just stunning. And loads of fun for the neighbors, the kids and anyone else who's patriotic but has low standards. (click photo for animation)

Don't Forget to Invite the Vet, Too

It's party time for your favorite pooch. What better way to celebrate your dog's birthday than with his very own "cake" that's really a bone-shaped biscuit with glazed frosting. Festive treat comes with a celebratory banner and birthday candle. Made with all-natural ingredients including peanut butter and yogurt. Your best friend's tail is sure to wag with delight! $5.98 2 for $11.50

Really? It's not a cake, you say? Just a bone-shaped biscuit with glazed frosting. Thanks for the warning. I almost had some! Just wondering, though: does the dog know not to eat the candle too? Too late. (Editor's note: this gets bad staging only because of the hideous table)

Voodoo Anyone?

Toothpick Holder Man will be the talk of the party! Just place him next to your appetizers, fruit or cheese cubes, and your guests will do the rest. This quirky toothpick holder is 5” long and is made of washable vinyl. Toothpicks not included. $9.98 2 for $19.00

And it's great for lesbian events, bachelorette parties, divorce celebrations or any time you feel like "sticking it to the man."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Sword Not Included

Fun, fashionable and practical, this 18" wide sun hat folds flat to fit in a matching 6" zippered pouch so you can carry it in your pocket or purse. Whenever you need protection from the sun's harmful rays, simply pop it open. Made of 100% cotton, it's cool, lightweight and comfortable. One Size Fits All. Available in colors: White (WHI), Khaki (KHA) or Blue (BLU) $6.99

In a word, Zoro. Other than that, I am speechless.

They Must Be Smoking Grass, Too

Other grasses burn out in summer, spot in fall and turn yellow in winter. This evergreen Quicklawn® stays lush and green all year 'round - even in sizzling summer heat, winter blizzards and icy temperatures down to 20 degrees below zero. You'll never need plugs or sod again! Grows in just five days, resists insects and disease and withstands heavy traffic and kids. Economical, too - just a penny per square foot! 1 Lb. bag covers 500 sq. ft. See Green Grass in Just 5 Days Ideal for Sun & Shade - No More Bald Spots! Grows in Virtually All Soils $7.99, 2 Bags/$12.99

And as you can see, your lawn will be transformed into a flat green surface with none of those pesky blades of grass you're tired of seeing. No more mowing the lawn for you! I wonder, though, what are they smoking over there at Carol Wright? Because I would like some.

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Bringing Home More Than Just the Bacon

"Pocket fishing rod with reel fits your active lifestyle. Telescopic design is perfect for on-the-go anglers. Expands to 36" and offers all the strength, sensitivity and flexibility of a conventional rod. Collapses down to 8" to fit inside a glove box, suitcase, briefcase or backpack. Aluminum. Your price $19.98"

I can think of one other place this might fit, too.

Okay, let's say you're a businessman and you come across a lake on the way home from work. Are you gonna whip this puppy out and try your luck? And when you catch something, where are you going to put it? In your briefcase? Or are you going to get on the bus with that? Now put the credit card down and go play outside.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Better Watch Those Turns!

Trunk Stoppers put an end to grocery spills, plant tip-overs...make hauling gas grill tank safe and worry-free! Set of 3 will keep bags, boxes and any upright cargo securely in place. These instant barricades self-grip for temproary use, or install with self-fasteners for long-term attachment. Plastic stoppers stack together to store in a trunk corner when not in use. $11.99

Wow, at this rate, there will be a Bad Staging Hall of Fame in no time! Does anyone looking at this actually believe that those top-heavy bags aren't going to end up toppled over, even during a 3mph turn? Hope there aren't any eggs in there. And since most grocery stores (in NYC especially) throw everything into lumpy plastic bags, this will be useless to just about anyone! Hey, here's an idea: Get an empty box from the grocery store, or save the one that came with the last stupid thing you ordered from Walter Drake. Put the groceries in it, and save $12.00 (plus tax, shipping and handling)

Is it Memorial Day weekend yet? Because I need a vacation from stupid.

Rock-a-Bye Crybaby

This is just a sampling of the nauseating descrip-tion accompanying this stupid clock. Go here to read it all. Warning: may cause violent, projectile vomiting.

"Progression Wake Up Clock"
More gentle than the jarring noise of traditional alarms, this clock uses a gradual increase in ambient light, stimulating aromas, and peaceful sounds from nature to awaken sleepers. Easy to use, simply set the desired wake up time, place some aromatherapy beads (included) into the aroma bowl, and choose a natural sound setting...The alarm can also be used to awaken using only sound, or just the buzzer. Sound selection includes Nightfall, Thunder Storm, Zen Melody, Mountain Stream, Songbirds, and Ocean Surf. Four packets of aroma beads (Energy, Coffee, Stress Relief, Lavendar) are provided. $49.95

Attention sensitive buyers of the Crybaby Clock. If you were dumb enough to buy this, I'd recommend that you immediately throw the "coffee" aromatherapy beads in the garbage. Why? Well, just imagine the disappoint-ment of waking up to the smell of coffee and then realizing, "Fuck, it's just the stupid clock." And I wonder, what does "energy" smell like? Sweat? Sex? Electrical wire?

What is The Square Root of Fright?

Those wacky copywriters at SkyMall are at it again! Today's random featured product is the Princeton Review Pocket Prep! Because nothing says summer fun like studying for a terrifying standardized test that will determine your entire future!
Attention webmaster: When selecting products to advertise under the premise of "fun", it would be a good idea to select some that people might associate with actual fun, rather than dread.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Weekend Update: Crime & Punishment

You look like you need something to read. Go to Decaf Is a Sin and check out "Police Activity." (Updated with two crime scene photos)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

All Wet

Portable Countertop Dishwasher. Attach to any standard kitchen sink, needs no electricity, uses water power to safely clean and air dry four place settings in just ten minutes! Ideal for small kitchens at home or office. 15 1/2H x 19"D Carolcelle® weighs less than 10 lbs., 19" connecting hose, includes extra faucet adapters. Easy to store. $149.98

Or, you could:

a) Wash those dishes yourself and stop being a lazy fucker

b) Fill the sink with scalding hot water, come back in 9 minutes and just rinse everything off

c) Revert to using paper plates and cups

Thank God They Don't Make Diapers

Protect upholstery while letting its beauty show through. Slip on waterproof cover to shield from dust, dirt and spills. Contour design "hugs" furniture for a smooth and no-slip fit. $9.98

I think they're being sarcastic here. What else could explain the quotation marks around the word "hugs"? I can imagine the lawyers trying to help them save face. "What the fuck, guys? This thing hugs like a garbage bag! You can't say hugs because you'll get sued for false advertising. Crimony. Just put the word hugs in quotes and people will think you're being funny."

Puddle Under the Bridge

Wooden bridge with arched handrails elevates landscape decor. Cover small streams or dry beds in your yard or garden, or use it to accentuate an existing walkway. Easy to assemble. Hardware and step-by-step instructions included. Supports 200 lbs., 58 3/4 x 26 1/2 x 21 1/2". $149.98

Is it just me, or is there something seriously off about the scale of this thing? From the looks of it, it's as if only children are short enough to use the handrails. Just look at those dimensions and tell me if I'm wrong. Obviously, it's 58 inches long, and either 26 or 21 inches wide or tall. For this thing to cover a small stream, that stream would have to be the size of a puddle, because it doesn't look too high, either.

And look at the bad staging. What did they do, just drop it on top of the existing bushes? In the wrong hands, this is a landscaping disaster waiting to happen.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Straw Tripod Sold Separately

Bell & Howell® mini digital camera is small enough to fit on a keychain! Take it with you wherever you go. Perfect for capturing those unexpected memorable moments (built-in self timer)! Download pictures to your computer with included USB cord and software. Stores 25 VGA images or 100 QVGA images; 300K pixel CMOS sensor. Requires 2 AAA batteries (included). Your Price: $29.98

Did you know?

1) Your cell phone camera is better than this (and won't need new batteries every two weeks.)

2) Even the cheapest, low-budget, free-with-food-stamps camera offers better resolution than this 300K pixel joke and probably has better memory capacity.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Super, Sad and Scary

(from Top Believe it or not, kids, this "car" is to be taken seriously. This is a "supercar" from Weber, a Swiss manufacturer. I am not alone in my digust.
Top Gear says it best: "It's simply hideous. The front looks like the kidney grill off a 5-Series. But melted. And repeatedly kicked. The rest of it we're not even going to dignify with any attempt at objective analysis. All those mangled panels are apparently essential in gaining greater aerodynamic efficiency, presumably because the Weber's appearance physically scares the air out of its path. (continued below)
(continued) That warped, pained exterior is made from carbon fibre - as is the chassis, which gets some aluminium mixed in for good measure. It's all powered by a 7.0-litre V8. Developing 900bhp with the help of a supercharger, it also generates 775lb ft of torque. That's enough, says Weber, to get its superuglycar from 0-60mph in 2.5 seconds and a top speed of 249mph. Quick, yes, but not quick enough for Weber's monster to evade the uncoveted title of Top Gear's Ugliest Car of 2007 Thus Far. Any challengers?

No, but I think Ugliest Car of 2007 is shortchanging it. It should win 2008-2025 as well. Read the whole article here

When Bedazzlers Attack

These elegant T-strap sandals with sparkling multicolored "jewels" dress up any outfit. Perfect day or night, they have a comfortable 1 1/2"-high heel and an adjustable side buckle. Imported. $10.99

On a scale of 1-10, these cheap, attacked-by-a-Bedazzler sandals have a Hideous Factor of 236. I would love to know which country is responsible for sending these. I'm guessing a China/India collaboration.

But there's more. Now that I have a category for "bad staging", I'm thrilled to see that these fall squarely into that category, for a few reasons:

1. The positioning of this model's feet. Who stands like that?
2. The marble surface and sky blue background makes it look as if she's standing on top of The Acropolis threatening to jump unless you buy these. She might as well jump.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

You Speak Engrish?

Not that I would ever want you to leave me for another website, but this is just awesome. Caution: May Cause Seizures. (Thanks to Matt from Brandspankin for this) (click picture to enlarge)

Just Burn The House Down

House divided mat makes fun of your half-hearted attempt to keep your home clean. Comical, self-effacing caption reads, "This is a house divided...half dust/half dirt." Level loop nylon facing with foam backing, 30 x 20". $14.98

You know, people buying this probably think, "I am so funny and self-depricating! Just like Erma Bombeck! LOL" Meanwhile, everyone else thinks, "Half dust, I can understand, but half dirt? What the hell is going on in there?"

What's Wrong With This Pitcher?

Four tumblers "click" into pitcher. An extraordinary beverageware combination of versatility, functionality and form. Five piece pitcher set is great on the go, cups nest right into pitcher for all in one carrying. Dishwasher safe. Saves space - ideal for road trips, picnics and camping. Polypropylene, 10 x 5 x 8 3/4". $14.98

This is stupid, for a couple of reasons. Those tumblers take up quite a bit of room in the pitcher, so now it holds roughly half of what it would otherwise. And don't try to fill this up and then go on your little trip, because all of it will spill back out through the open spout.

As a bonus, the open spout renders this useless outdoors, inviting every bee, fly and wasp over to your table. This is more trouble than it's worth.

Keep Your Clothes On

Lace butterfly curtains enhance windows. Transform your home decor with these enchanting curtains adorned with fluttering butterflies. Soft light lace design lets you enjoy your outdoor view while creating a serene indoor setting. Polyester. Set of two panels (56 x 63" or 56 x 84") or single swag. $11.98

These are just a sad mess, like something created in Sewing 101 during an earthquake. And that spooky, Goth-black background just makes everything worse. They're totally sheer, so they're perfect for stalkers, peeping Toms and other lunatics.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Mug Plug

I'm taking a break from my usual format to plug my wares from Cafe Press. Buy something, or I'll sic homerundesign on you!

Add some fun to your desk with this high quality tip cup. Suitable for drinking, office supplies or begging around the office. $12.99