Monday, April 30, 2007

Burning a Hole In Your Wallet

Fan See digital temperature display fan. Displays the temperature in mid-air with a stunning "persistence of vision" effect. Illuminated letters and numbers display during the day or night. See the heat... fell the cool! Six inch oscillating, 11"H. $49.98

Seriously, how many times are you going to look at this thing. "Oh, wow, it's 75 degrees! It's 76 now! Gettin hot out here!"

And, for you cynics who think I'm just being mean, I did a little research. A 6 inch fan, without this dumb gadget attached, retails for just $10.

Lazy's List

Smart Shopper® voice-activated grocery list eliminates guesswork from shopping. No longer stand dumbfounded in an aisle wondering what you needed. Simply speak (throughout the week) the items you need into the device with voice recognition and a list is printed on thermal paper with the touch of a button - items print automatically by category and "errands". Wall mounts, fridge mounts with magnets or sits on counter. Features LCD screen, 2500 pre-loaded items, paper, wall and magnet kits. Plastic and aluminum, 7 x 3 x 9 1/4". $149.98

At first, I thought, "This is a cool idea." And then I saw the price. Do you know how many pens and pads you can get with 150 dollars? I'm sure the novelty will wear off when people realize that it doesn't recognize accents, replacement paper is $20 a roll, or when the kids start playing with it.

Laser Lawsuit

Laser hair remover leaves skin soft and smooth without the high cost of electrolysis. Say goodbye to tedious shaving and torturous waxing. Safe, patented technology painlessly and permanently removes unwanted hair on legs and arms. Select low, medium or high intensity levels. $99.98

I'm going to start watching the news every single day now. You just know someone is going to come forward, third degree burns all over their face, after getting burned by someone who bought this and decided to open up a home-based "super cheap hair removal" service in the basement of their Queens home.

But you know, if this works, I'm totally getting one.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Did You Find a New Job Yet?

5 O’Clock Tee gives voice to the question everyone secretly asks! Somewhere in the world it IS that happy hour and this tee tells everyone you’re ready with a classic Martini (shaken, not stirred!). 100% cotton. Imported.

"5 O’Clock Tee gives voice to the question everyone secretly asks!" Actually, I openly ask this question at work.

So, if I wear this to work, will my boss give me that raise I've been hinting at? And will those rumors of me being an alcoholic go away? Just asking.

Tater Typo

Tater Mitts™ peel potatoes in seconds, without tools or mess! These aren’t ordinary rubber kitchen gloves—the palms have an abrasive scrubbing surface that effortlessly removes a potato’s skin by quickly rubbing under running water. No nicks, cuts, slippery hands or waste, since the gloves remove only the thinnest layer of peel. Great for carrots, too! You get one pair. Deluxe version includes a vegetable slicer/French fry cutter.

Oh. My. God. Can you imagine coming to a party early to help the hostess, only to find her peeling potatoes with these creepy, stupid things?

This is my favorite part. Because of a typo at Harriet Carter, these are listed at $47.98, (instead of $17.98) Click here to see it.

For The Birds

Pig Tree Feeder will have everyone squealing with laughter! Your feathered friends are sure to stop by for a meal with this “ham-some” feeder gracing your favorite tree. Just fill the hollow corncob with birdseed and watch the “pig-out” begin! Set has 6 pieces made of durable poly/resin and comes ready to hang. $17.98

Another day, yet another category created. This we'll file under "WTF?" because, really, what else can you say?

Poor birds.

Chicken Shit

Chicken Rack. Cook chicken legs and wings evenly, while unhealthy fat drips away! No turning or testing needed - just place up to 12 legs or wings on the upright rack. Use in the oven or on an outdoor grill. Compact, vertical design needs less space, so there's room for burgers or hot dogs on the side! Dishwasher-safe stainless steel. $14.98

This would be categorized under "bad staging" since the Chicken Rack apparently makes fried chicken, too! (Props courtesy of KFC)

Do you think they even bothered to test this out before rushing it to market? I can't imagine not having to throw out 12 half charred/half raw chicken legs after about ten minutes.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Take the Money and Run

Graduation Pillow is the gift a graduate will cherish for a lifetime. Softest plush pillow features a raised detail mortarboard with gold tassel, "Class of 2007" diploma with ribbon tie and "Congratulations" in gold embroidered script. Zippered pocket within the mortarboard can hold a monetary gift. 12" square. $9.98

And don't forget to tell the recipient that there is, in fact, cash hidden in this ugly thing, because you know they're going to throw this in the garbage as soon as you leave.

Hey, here's a novel idea! Instead giving someone a hideous $10 pillow and putting $10 in the stupid pocket, save some time and awkwardness and just give the kid a $20.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

How Does This Work Again?

Victorian rose mirror and sconce set. Beautifully handcrafted polyresin set includes an oval mirror elegantly outlined with pink roses, and two complementary sconces with glass votive candle cups. Holes on back for hanging. Candles included. $24.98

Today's oxymoron is "handcrafted polyresin." I love how they needed to superimpose this woman into the picture, as if no one would know what to do with this mirror, and they felt the need to provide a visual aid. They do this with things like footstools, as well.

Bobbing for Grapes

Wood rolling serving cart makes it a simple task to entertain guests indoors or outdoors. Elegant, two tier rolling cart with dual built-in two liter beverage holders for refreshments, food, snacks and napkins. Second level holds plates, cutlery and other serving necessities. Folds flat for storage. Four casters provide mobility. Assembly required. Wood, 28 x 15 x 23 1/2". $29.98

Could this thing be any more pointless? And look how small it is! It's not even level! Besides, one look at this waste of particle board and it's easy to imagine what will happen once it's put into use.

Hostess: "Hey, everyone! Who's in the mood for grapes and iced tea?" She rolls the cart, confident and proud. Suddenly, the tiny 1 inch plastic wheels get caught on a gap in the concrete, stopping the cart, the inertia sending everything flying off and into the pool.

Hostess: "I meant for that to happen. Who wants to play Bobbing for Grapes?"

Grandma Gets Framed

Good news for proud grandmas - now you can show off your photos on just one T shirt! Bright red T shirt's pocket holds a 3" x 5" photo in place. Switch snapshots to include all the grandkids! With embroidered "grandma" and daisy. 100 percent cotton, machine wash. Made in USA or imported. $11.00

This is perfect for the grandmother who no longer cares about her appearance, has lost all her self-respect, and doesn't mind being a human billboard for a bunch of spoiled little brats. Just imagine the tantrum when, say, Kaitlin comes over, and she has forgotten to switch out little rival Brandon's picture from last week.

Scrapes Blood Off, Too

Happi Helper. This multipurpose kitchen tool looks like a slotted spatula with a sharpened edge. But here's all it can do (take a deep breath): whip, beat, scrape, turn, mix, blend, chop, drain, strain, cut, and serve brownies and cakes, remove frost in your freezer. Even scrapes paint. Stainless steel, beveled edges, 9" long. $2.99

But wait! That's not all! Here are some more things you can do with the Happi Helper:
  • scoop the litter box!

  • remove old floor tiles!

  • scrape the bugs of your windshield!

  • clean the grout in your shower!

  • shimmy the lock to your upstairs neighbor's apartment and beat them to death with it!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Frickin Frocks

100% Cotton Festive Frocks Cool, comfy cotton dresses — so refreshing & cute! With soft Crinkle Pleats cascading to a fun flouncy ruffle! Easy wear 100% pure cotton is perfect for relaxing, or a quick trip to the store. Handy side seam pockets, flutter sleeves and machine washable. Feeling paisley? Tye-dye? Maybe floral? Match all your mood, order several! Imported. 2 for $29.99

As you can see, these frickin frocks come in a wide variety of scary colors and patterns, apparently made from rejected curtain patterns. Perfect for the indecisive, moody or schitzophrenic.

My sincerest apologies to anyone currently choking on their lunch or dinner right now.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Insider Trading

Portable, battery-powered can opener works on round cans of almost every size. Automatically travels around and cuts a smooth edge just below the rim. When it stop, the lid lifts off safely, without any sharp edges. Cordless for convenient use anywhere — all around the kitchen or out camping, too. Opens about 100 cans on 2 AA batteries (order separately). $19.95

It occurred to me that maybe the inventors of these lazy-ass products own a crapload of stock in Duracell and Energizer.

London, Pigs and the Long Island Railroad

Just some cross-promotion of my often-overlooked cynical blog, Decaf Is A Sin.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Paper Hate

Self-dispensing paper towel caddy sits on counter or mounts on wall or under cabinet to dispense a sheet at a time with just the wave of a hand! No more unraveling rolls. Save on formerly wasted extra sheets. Practical and a conversation piece! 6 x 9 x 13 1/2". $49.98

Really? A conversation piece? I would imagine the conversation goes something like this:

John: Hey, Mary, what's that?

Mary: A self-dispensing paper towel caddy! It dispenses one sheet at a time with just the wave of a hand! Sure, I have to spend money on batteries, but I've saved so much money on paper towels! Look! (click, whirrr...)

John: I hate you.

Scary Shit

TOILET MONSTER Your guests will shriek with glee when they lift the lid and up pops this humorous red demon. Stays in place beneath the seat, suction cup arms attach to lid, completely invisible when lid is closed, install before your next party and stand back to enjoy the fun! Rubber, 18 x 7½". $19.98

Please. The scariest thing in that bathroom are the cheap tiles on the floor--and what your guests will probably leave in the toilet.

Video Alert! Go here to see the video for this waste of rubber and dye.

Magnifying Glass Not Included

56 Photo Digital Keychain. Customize your keychain with up to 56 digital photos for viewing anywhere. Eye-popping resolution and backlit, color display make viewing an image or entire slide show a delight. Choose, crop, or upload images from computer with included simple software. Charge with USB port or AC adapter (both included). Plastic, 1 1/2 x 1 1/2 x 1/2". $59.98

Alright, this makes me want to open a Way Overpriced Hall of Fame-NOW. "Eye-popping resolution?" How is that possible when the actual screen is less than the size of a postage stamp? And who is going to sit there and watch a slide show from your flimsy plastic keychain?

I just thought of something horrible: Crazy mothers cornering their friends with these. Oh my gawd, Helen, I just uploaded new pictures of little Mikey! You have to see them!


Scrolling message belt buckle Eye-catching unisex buckle displays up to six dazzling messages in moving LED lights. Adjust message speed and brightness with buttons on back. Stores 512 characters, including letters, numbers and punctuation marks. Chrome frame and finish, cell batteries included $19.98

Just in case your kids are a little shy about what they're trying to give off. Or if being topless is still not working for them.

Actually, I don't hate this, I'm just bitter that they didn't have this when I was a kid, so I could program, "confused" into it.

Dumb as a Doorknob

Imitation deadbolt fools intruders into thinking they have no shot at breaking into your home. Sturdy construction with zinc die-cast plating makes it look and feel like the real thing. Self-sticks in seconds. Best of all, you'll never lock yourself out! 1 3/4 x 1/2". $9.98

Because as everyone knows, no self respecting burglar is going to embarrass himself jiggling your doorknob. He'll just walk right on by. And he's definitely not going to try kicking your door down, either.

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By now, I'm sure a few of you have seen the commercial for this stupid coin. Note the liberal use of guilt on the web page, with phrases like, The most meaningful collectible you will ever own, Do your part! and my favorite, Pure silver recovered from Ground Zero. As a New Yorker, I find this just so wrong and stupid on so many levels.

Note all the other buildings that also "rise up" with the towers, proof that this piece of shit was designed by some jackass working off an old postcard.

Words of Caution: When they ask for your credit card upfront, in the first field on the front page of the website, you'd be better off clicking that little x in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Burning Up

Instantly look 10 pounds slimmer! This wrap suit from Miraclesuit® makes your waist look narrower while it softens and diminishes the tummy. No need to hide under a coverup when you can spend swimsuit season in a slimming suit that will help you look your best! $99.99

Alright, class, does everyone know how this works? Because, as any woman (or gay man) knows, black is slimming! Unfortunately, once the sun hits you in this, you will burn up like a damn matchstick, because black absorbs light.

Or you could by $100.00 worth of diet pills or cardio classes at the gym. Whatever floats your cellulite, ladies.

Keep Dreaming

Wear-test our slimming Dream™ Jeans. We guarantee they'll be your favorite pair! Buy 2 & Save! These jeans are everything a woman wants—comfort and figure-flattery! Slimming, invisible tummy control and a touch of spandex for moves-with-you comfort. $69

Note the crooked waistline, hideous color and ultra high rise. Go here to zoom in on these and see all the detail. Truly gastly.

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Guess How Much: Office Furniture

Hey guys! It's time to play Guess How Much! Is this ugly uncomfortable chair:

A) $39.99?
B) $79.99?
C) $2?
D) $574. (reduced from $599)

Bonus: The copy for this item says its suitable for your reception area or executive suite. Imagine, for a second, sitting at the doctor's office in one of these.

Or, You Could Hire a Copywriter

(Thanks to Moda di Magno on this one)

In addition to being a complete waste of money, this item gets the Bad Copy of the Year Award.

"If there is a small geek inside you then you should seriously consider getting one of them. It’s a normal T-Shirt but in the front there is a panel where it appears animated a real Atari Pong game, with the sticks moving and so the ball! The shirt works with three AAA batteries, and when you want to wash it you will only have to remove both the panel and the batteries and it’s done. You can find a link to the place where they sell them, both the Pong and the equalizer models. Is there anything better you can do with 25$?"

Yes, there is. I'd rather buy a bottle of vodka with $25. There may not be a small geek inside me, but thanks to this thing, there might be a small alcoholic. (Click image to see stupid animation. It gets old real fast.)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Bozo Fever

Betsey Johnson® Mirror wedge sandal The dancing queen of the disco scene. Eyelet lace. Anklestrap. Imported cotton/polyester. 5 1/2" platform wedge. Orig. $170. Sale $110.

So the question, to me anyway, seems to be: How much would you pay to look like a circus clown?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Revenge of the Webmaster

Okay, kids, today's dumb home page comes courtesy of K-mart. Does anyone know why the P is in italics? Does it stand for something? Are they trying to be edgy? Did their webmaster turn on them? What do you think? Feel free to take a stab at it in the comments section. I'm stumped.

A Floorlamp Orange

Floob floor lamp in moulded Plexiglas® with dimmer switch. Takes 1 x E27 bulb MAX 150W $849.

If Barney purple doesn't work for you, you can get this waste of $900 in orange or clear. The only thing not sucky about this is that it vaguely reminds me of the movie A Clockwork Orange, but other than that, it's stupid, overpriced and uses bulbs that probably cost $65 each.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Loose Stool

Spoon Stool. Height adjustable plastic stool in a range of colours. As seen on "Big Brother 2005"

This is why I hate modern furniture. Not only is it pretentious, but you can always guarantee getting ripped off. These, my friends, are $562.00. Each. At that price, you should get a set of four plus a table. They should be covered in leather, vibrate, keep you warm, tuck you in, and give you a happy ending.

800 Pound Turd

Kan-Kaddie offers convenient storage for your favorite air freshener- hanging discreetly over toilet's water tank. Designed in heavy-duty plastic with sturdy hook to fit tank edges up to 1/2" wide, it holds canisters up to 2 1/4" diameter, keeping freshener close at hand and ready to use. 7 1/2" high. $5.99

Doesn't look too discreet to me! I guess it's only discreet until you take the air freshener out and start spraying, leaving a rancid combination of Rainshower Glade and shit in the air. And if you wanna be discreet about the embarrassing can of air freshener, just leave it under the sink like everybody else! You know, everybody shits. Why not just come out and accept the fact instead of trying to hide the 800 pound turd in the room?

Friday, April 06, 2007

Lather, Rinse and Eat

Lettuce Knife
Why do we tear lettuce tediously by hand? Because a knife turns the edges brown. But not this knife - the special plastic blade eliminates brown edges. You'll serve attractive green salads in minutes. Dishwasher safe, 11 1/4" long. $3.49

What the hell are they smoking at Miles Kimball? I have never had lettuce turn brown from cutting it. I'm guess that if this happens to you when you cut lettuce, then you're using a rusty knife, you forgot to wash it first, or it's been poisoned. And if you were stupid enough to buy this thing, I'm seriously hoping it was the latter.

Anti Septic

Hide-a-pipe tree stump makes unsightly above-ground septic pipes disappear. Decorative tree stump with flowers and animals at its base is the perfect solution to an eyesore. Removable top gives easy access to the pipe whenever necessary. Made of durable poly/resin and is 7" high and 8" in diameter at the top. $19.98

Puke. This fake tree stump isn't going to fool anybody. If fact, people will ask more annoying questions about this piece of shit than you'll care to answer--all because you're too self conscious about a piece of pipe in your yard.

Lazy, Defined

Motorized ice cream cone does the work while you have all the fun-rotating automatically as you lick! Sturdy plastic cone lets you enjoy leisurely licking without drips or leaks. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included). Assorted colors; we'll choose for you. 5" high x 1 3/4" diameter. $11.99

If I had a Lazy Product Hall of Fame, this would be the first inductee. Actually, this is still too much work. When the batteries die you have to replace them and you still have to pick it up. And that's no fun.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Shroud of Pepperidge

Introducing Pepperidge Farm Very Thin sliced bread. I was curious to know just how thin, as I picked it up. Unfortunately, I don't know--and no one will ever know, because they've decided to shroud the whole loaf of bread in white wrapping. The front, back, top and bottom are all completely hidden from view. Are they keeping it a surprise? Will there be some sort of dramatic unveiling at a later date? Is it a bad practical joke? Ha! Ha! It's fat sliced, suckers! Or is this just really, really, really stupid package design?

Mary Had a Little LambCake

Spotted in the window of a bakery in Astoria. The LambCake. It's worse in person, because of the gray face. Mmm, gray icing. This is bad on so many levels. And scary. I'd be scared that it might come alive when I started to cut into it. Another reason to stay off carbs.

Just Like Grandma Used to Fake

Egg Perfect™ Egg Timer
Like your boiled eggs done just so? Take the guesswork out of cooking them. Place this timer in the water with your eggs. During cooking, its color darkens, first around edges, then to core. Markings for hard, medium, and soft show through the clear magnifying dome. Acrylic timer comes with instructions and is 1 1/2" long. $4.49

Just what you want to do while boiling eggs, put your face real close to the hot pot to see what the timer says. This is just furthering the next generation of stupid Americans who can't function without gadgets. And you just know that some stupid idiot will lose this thing and never be able to eat eggs again. I think the rule of thumb should be: "If Grandma did without this, so can you."


Slimming Shapers™ smooth the way to a trimmer-looking figure! Clothes will fit better as trouble spots are minimized. Control begins just below your bra to just above the knee. Well-placed support panels provide extra lift exactly where you want it most, without binding. Nylon/Spandex blend. Order by hip size: Small (34-38"), Med. (36-42"), Large (40-46"), XL (44-50"), XXL (48-54"). Imported.

Why did they bother with the model in the top photo? And where the hell is the warning label for this product? It should say: Warning: Results may vary (significantly). Consult your doctor or husband before use. Not all women will respond to Slimming Shapers. Not responsible for bodily damage resulting from misuse. May explode under pressure. May cause reckless eating habits and warped self-image. May cause injury or death. "After" photo has been significantly retouched. (Actually, it's not even the same woman.)