Tuesday, January 02, 2007

FAT BASTARD 2 - Eat, Drink and Be Oblivious

Admit it. You all knew this was bound to happen:
May-November 2006
Work out (relatively) hard, but continue to enjoy free pizza at work on Fridays.
November
Attend retirement party for boss. Gorge on appetizers and wine. Suit jacket is snug because of larger chest and broader shoulders. Accidentally dip favorite tie in chocolate syrup while sitting down after standing ovation.
Late November
Attend Thanksgiving with family, just one plate of food, a few samplings of dessert.
November 24, 2006
Stop working out, go on Mexican vacation. Eat, drink and be merry for 8 days. Notice discrepancy in physical appearance compared to other beachgoers and keep shirt on for entire week.
December 4, 2006
Return to work. Remarkably, all work clothes fit.
Rest of December (beginning of the end)
Attend office holiday party. Wine, appetizers and massive steak dinner.
Attend second office party for Operations department. Wine, appetizers, steak, chocolate dessert--then one spoonful of neighboring co-worker's cheesecake. Eat, drink and be oblivious.
Impossible to return to gym due to stress of holidays.
First sign of tight pants. Disregard.
Enjoy frequent and overflowing food baskets at the office on daily basis. Promise to go back to the gym each time I'm caught with a piece of chocolate in my mouth.
Pants become embarrassingly tight around thigh area, as well as waistline.
Welcome out of town guests from PA with large pot roast dinner.
12/23 Christmas party #1 - Long Beach - Return home and eat pizza with out of town guests
12/24 Christmas party #2 - New Hyde Park - Hide in back for group photo
12/25 Christmas party #3 - Astoria. Wear white sweater, then change into dark brown sweater in futile effort to fool onlookers.
Return to work. Discover incredible Starbucks breakfast sandwiches. Take photo of sandwich as joke. Notice coworker briefly glancing at Evil Holiday Gut while in kitchen.
Pants almost impossible to button in mornings. Use belt for leverage.
Get angry when unable to get to work early enough for Starbucks breakfast sandwich.
Notice horrifying gut for first time in full-length mirror at home. Return to gym in fit of panic. Shamefully remove jacket in locker room and hope that no one is looking.
New Year's Eve (West Village)
Dress in all-black from head to toe, including black socks and shoes. Part dramatic display of self loathing/part visual trick to fool onlookers. Mistakenly wear "fitted" Michael Kors shirt. Evil holiday gut protrudes while seated, threatens to burst through shirt and onto lap. Discretely use couch pillow to obscure gut. Stand in back for group photo. Eat dessert anyway. Consider new Duct Tape Diet for 2007.

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