Friday, December 28, 2007
JOHN: Hey guys, come on in. The game's about to start. Have a seat. Honey? Can you bring in some beers?
LARRY: Your wife is here?
JOHN: Yeah, but it's cool. She's totally into football now. I don't know where it came from.
VANESSA: Hey guys! Here are some beers and I have a surprise for you! (sticks plug in wall, fugly thing lights up in window above TV) Ta-DA! Isn't it cute? Look at all those pretty lights!!! I just LOVE it! It was only 30 dollars at Taylor Gifts dot com! You guys want one? Nevermind, I got you one anyway. Oops! I just spoiled the surprise. Hee! Hee! Oh, well. Look the game is starting! I think I'll just squeeze in between you guys there. Isn't this fun! Weeee! Go Yankees!
Double-sided lighted NFL player is sure to score big with football fans. Each wire- hologram figure sports official team colors and logo, spectacularly high-lighted by a dazzling array of lights. Decorate a window at home - just plug in to showcase your support. Comes with plastic suction cup, 20". $29.98
B) $ 29.99?
C) $ 56.00?
E) none of the above
Click Read More to find out.
E) none of the above. You are not worthy of this napkin holder, peasants, for it is from MoMA and costs a ridiculous $120.00. Why anyone would choose this over something similar at Bed Bath and Beyond, I'll never know. Maybe it's for
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
(your experience may vary)
10. "one piece" swimsuit
Monday, December 24, 2007
Lazy sells more than sex. I mean, this has to be the definitive proof.
Wendy: God, that floor is soooo dirtyyyyy and I haaaate sweeping and crawling around on my hands and knees to clean it. Isn't there an easier way? I mean, if we can put a man on the moooon...
Joanne: You're totally right. You look exhausted from doing nothing at all but watching TV and complaining about your life. You should put your feet up on this here ottoman.
Wendy: Thanks. Aah, that's soooo much betterrrr.
Joanne: Jesus, your socks are filthy! It's like you cleaned the floor with them.
Wendy: I know, it's like...OH. MY. GOD! I have an idea! We're gonna be rich!
Dust mop slippers cleans the floor while you walk! Now you don't have to get on your hands and knees for a sparkling clean floor. Comfortable canvas with cotton thread bottoms pick up dirt, dust and pet hair, perfect for hard-to-reach spots. One size fits all, 10 x 6. $7.98
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
C) You can't have it, for it is "art".
Click Read More for the answer and another picture.
D) $3,892 (yes, I know I make this too easy). And judging by the picture above, at least one person has buyer's remorse.
Apparently this is what happens to when you drop off clothes at the Salvation Army in the Netherlands (assuming they have that there). Designer Tejo Remy buys up the whole rack, carts them back to his studio, and makes what's probably the stinkiest chair in existence. Ultra absorbent, I guarantee that no amount of Febreeze is going to make this smell fresh after a week.
Rag Chair. Design: Tejo Remy 1993. Re-use of clothing makes a comfortable chair. Each chair in unique!. Numbered edtion. In collection of the Dutch Textile Museum, Tilburg, Netherlands. Material: Rags, steel strips. Size: 23.4"x 23.4" x 43"$3892
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
20 Large marshmallows
About 60 pieces or chunks of fruit, such as pitted cherries, pineapple chunks, and mandarin orange slices
Cut each Twinkie crosswise into quarters. Thread alternating pieces of Twinkies, marshmallows, and fruit onto wooden skewers. Serve at once.
Monday, December 17, 2007
But some people just can't help themselves, no matter what the age.
Mary: Do you like my festive polyester scarf with silky sheen?
Jeannie: No. You look like you were attacked by a roll of wrapping paper.
Flaunting bright Christmas prints with silky sheen, these scarves transform ordinary outfits into holiday sensations! Wonderfully wearable and perfect for giving, each is designed in vibrant polyester with versatile oblong shape. Hand wash. 59" long x 13" wide. Imported. $8.99
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Although, I know that if I had a prized bottle of wine, I would want it displayed as though it were sitting next to the cash register of a tacky Italian chain restaurant in Times Square. Available at Taylor Gifts
Cask bottle holder with matching topper is an impressive display for your prized bottle of vino. Tasteful setting features three old-fashioned wine barrels surrounded by luscious bunches of grapes. Coordinating cork topper, too! Resin, 9 1/2 x 4 x 6". $29.98
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A) Hammering a single nail in the wall and hanging a mirror?
B) Spending hours (or days) trying to align cheap vinyl adhesive mirror tiles on the wall only to end up like you live in a cheap toy doll house? And then constantly bobbing and weaving to get an idea of what you really look like through these wavy fucking "mirrors".
Self adhesive mirror tiles. Now you can see yourself just about anywhere. Instantly enhance (and visually enlarge!) a room by placing stylish, adhesive 4 x 4 mirror tiles on any flat surface. Get creative and design unique patterns. Ideal in bathrooms, the back of doors and more. Innovative and attractive! Set of twenty. $9.98 [taylor gifts]
What time is it? Hello, I asked, 'What time is it?' Are you deaf? Why are you staring at your watch like that? What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you tell time? For fuck's sake!
This stylish unisex watch with a durable rubber band presents a graphic way to tell time. Hours are shown as a progression of 12 dots, minutes are depicted on an incremental horizontal line below, and a small window displays seconds as numbers and toggles to show the date. Includes an alarm, a stopwatch, and a backlit LCD display. Waterproof to 90 feet. Battery included. $150
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007
"When my sister returned from living in Italy for a time, she grew homesick for the desserts she had enjoyed there. So I decided to try my hand at tiramisu, but replaced the ladyfingers with Twinkies, which we had all grown up on. She liked it just as much as the original!"
ZEPHIR PLUME, BOULDER, COLORADO
1 (3.4 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix
1 3/4 cups milk
1/4 cup Amaretto
1 cup strong coffee, warmed
1 tablespoon sugar
1/4 cup Kahlua
2 cups frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed
Unsweetened cocoa, for dusting
In a bowl, combine the pudding mix, milk, and Amaretto and whisk. Set aside until quite thick.
In a separate, small bowl, combine the coffee, sugar, and Kahlua and mix until the sugar dissolves. Refrigerate until cool. Line a baking sheet with waxed paper and set the Twinkies on the paper. Slowly drizzle the coffee mixture over each Twinkie, allowing the liquid to soak in.
Fold the whipped topping into the pudding mixture. Spoon one-third of the pudding mixture into an 8 by 8 inch baking dish.
Arrange the Twinkies evenly over the pudding. Spoon the remaining pudding over the Twinkies.
Refrigerate for 1 hour, or until set. Dust with cocoa just before serving.
Because I know that if I lived in Italy for a while, I would come back and let my sister substitute the main ingredient of a classic Italian dessert with off-the-shelf American junk food.
I really don't get this. At all.
The point of the Wine Glass Holder Necklace is, as you might expect, to allow you to keep your hands free at parties by "keeping your wine close at heart." (Yeah, I almost puked too.)
Who is that busy at a party that they need both hands free? I thought the whole point of holding a glass at a party was to avoid too much contact with people you don't care for. Now that your hands are free, people are going to try to hug you. Do you really want that?
But what I really want to know is: How will this look on a woman? And who will pick up the dry cleaning tab when her breasts inadvertently tilt the glass right into her cleavage and she ends up looking like Carrie? (at least from the chest down)
Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip! $24.95 [wine enthusiast]
Monday, December 10, 2007
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: SAVING FACE
Denture Stain Away instantly removes plaque, tartar and stains to leave you with a whiter, brighter smile! Easy to use. Just apply with brush conveniently built in under the cap. Stains and odors dissolve in 15-30 seconds. 4 oz. bottle. $7.98
Apparently Paris is overrun by badly dressed college kids (or contenders for The Amazing Race). They can not afford hotel rooms so they simply wander the streets like gypsies, mattress-sized backpacks in tow. They are too "independent" to ask a complete stranger to take their picture, yet they'll gladly hold their expensive digital cameras at the end of a stick for plucking by thieves on motor scooters. It's only a matter of time before these dolts find their way to New York City, where, in addition to having their wallets stolen, they'll be beaten to death with their stupid camera tripod by some burned out, needs-a-tropical-vacation-thousands-of-miles-away-from-everything blogger.
Extendable Handheld Tripod Stop asking strangers to take pictures of you and companion while you travel. Now you can do it yourself! Built-in easy view mirror helps frame image perfectly leaving no heads chopped or background details out. Lightweight, handheld, extendable tripod fits any camera or camcorder with standard tripod mount. 3 1/2 oz pole extends 18" and closes to 7 1/2" for back pack storage. Polycarbonate and aluminum. $29.98
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Spice up your home life with this strong, safe, dancing pole that you can actually swing, spin and hang upside down on. Not only is it exotic entertainment for you and your partner, it's also a fun exercise outlet.
Included instructional DVD teaches a complete beginner/intermediate routine including multiple pole dancing moves that can be mixed and matched, dance tips, techniques, diagrams and more.
Pole assembles and comes apart in minutes. Easy to store when not in use. Stainless steel construction. Supports up to 300 lbs. Fits ceilings 7'5" to 8'5", at least 6.5 foot dia. clearance needed. $119.98
This is creepy, in a Silence of the Lambs sort of way, and that's besides the teenaged girl-sized figure depicted on the apron. Click Read More to see another reason why this will scare more people than it will entertain.
Yeah, baby. Nothing is hotter than simulated crotch this holiday season, complete with ill-fitted, dollar-store polyester panties. This is, of course, for dorky women with little to no self respect who want badly to relive their rebellious youth but require a full bottle of Jack Daniels before showing you the real thing. And Thank God for that.
Put a smile on your guests' faces when you don this hot little number, complete with Christmas cleavage, come-hither garters, and marabou-tinsel trim! And don't forget to lift the skirt for an added flash! This is one present your Old St. Nick will rush to unwrap! $24.98
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Record-a-message photo ornament plays a personal message you record creating a cherished keepsake to hang on holiday tree year after year. Push button to play 12-second message. Holds 1 1/2 x 1 1/2" photo. On/off switch. 3". Plastic. Requires 4 AA batteries, not included. $17.98
As if the holidays weren't tacky enough. For about 20 bucks, you can have this fugtacular, plastic, battery-operated orb to hang on your tree, right next to your NFL ornament. Of course, the real fun is recording over the message when no one is looking. "Yeah, this is Santa Claus. If I catch you buying any more recordable, battery-operated shit again, I'm gonna to put a fucking bullet in your head."
Here's an idea. Get yourself a digital watch.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
RUTH ROYAL, CODY, WYOMING
1 (6-ounce) package blueberry Jell-O
3 cups boiling water
1 (16-ounce) bag frozen blueberries
1 (6-ounce) package Strawberry Jell-O
1 (16-ounce) bag frozen sliced strawberries in syrup
6 to 7 Twinkies, broken or torn into 1-inch pieces
2 (5.1 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix
6 cups milk
1 container frozen nondairy whipped topping, thawed
In a bowl, combine the blueberry Jell-O and 1 1/2 cups of the boiling water and stir until dissolved. Add the blueberries and stir until blended and slightly thickened. Allow to cool completely.
In another bowl, combine the strawberry Jell-O and remaining 1 1/2 cups boiling water and stir until dissolved. Add the strawberries and stir until blended and slightly thickened. Allow to cool completely.
Place half of the Twinkies pieces in a 6-quart glass bowl or trifle dish. In a separate bowl, combine the pudding mix and milk and stir according to the package instructions. Spoon half of the pudding over the Twinkies.
Spoon the blueberry mixture over the pudding, spreading evenly. Top with the remaining Twinkie pieces. Spoon the remaining pudding over the Twinkies, spreading evenly. Spoon the strawberry mixture over the pudding, spreading evenly.
Cover and refrigerate for several hours or overnight, until completely chilled and set. Top with the whipped topping just before serving.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Tim: Wow, are those pictures from your vacation?
Bob: Umm, yes.
Tim: Really? Where are you?
Bob: I couldn't find anyone to take a picture of me.
Tim: Okay... You know that palm tree photo looks awfully familiar. Like the one I have as my screensaver on my computer.
Bob: It's the most photographed palm tree in the world.
Tim: Well, how come you only have 8 pictures?
Bob: It was a very short roll of film.
Tim: Okay...I'm going to leave now.
Changeable motion mirror features eight scenes! Instantly transform the look and feel of your home by rotating one of eight illuminated mirror-framed photos featuring shimmering sunsets, tropical beaches or tranquil mountain views. Sounds of moving water or soothing music enhance the setting. Included remote control, on/off and volume switches. Glass, 39 x 3 x 19". $99.98 [taylor gifts]
Friday, November 30, 2007
Snow Angel Mantle Piece - She's a vision of beauty that will grace your mantel with the blessings of the season. Twinkling with the effervescence of fiber optic light, this doll's dressed in a fur-trimmed cape and sparkling gown. Includes 65"L x 14 1/2"W snowflake bedecked mantel scarf. Requires 2 "AA" batteries (not included). Doll 13 1/2"H. Imported $14.99
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Alright, ladies, how many pounds will these fucking hideous, horizontally striped boots add to your legs this holiday season?
C) Don't ask. Too many for me to cope with
D) Please. I'm not stupid enough to fall for that
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
"My family loves chocolate and mint together. When we make shakes, we like to thicken them up with cakes and cookies. Twinkies just seemed to be the perfect complement to our grasshopper concoction."
LORI KIMBLE, MASCOUTAH, ILLINOIS
2 1/3 cups milk
4 chocolate-covered mint cookies
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
3 cups vanilla ice cream
In a blender, combine 2 cups of the milk and the Twinkies and blend for 5 to 10 seconds. Add the cookies and the syrup and blend until smooth, then add the ice cream and blend until smooth once again. Pour in the remaining 1/3 cup milk and blend until thoroughly mixed. Serve at once.
The part the editors left out: "And when we run out of Twinkies, we like to substitute burritos and salsa for a spicy Mexican twist, or lasagna noodles and ricotta cheese, for a little taste of I-talian!"
I'd like to see just how all this "thickening" is having an effect on the Kimble family.
I've always wanted to know what the love child of a pair of stilettos and converse baseketball shoes would look like. Where's a coat hanger when you need one? This is one baby that should have been aborted.
ZINC Lace-up bootie. A fashion-forward look with a romantic past. Imported cotton/polyester. 3 1/2" heel. $89
Monday, November 26, 2007
Guide Lights Glow-in-the-dark-spray-on Snow! Give your trailer park a pointless, eerie, sci-fi glow this holiday season without the need for expensive, hard to hang lights. Good for the environment Only $2.98
Friday, November 23, 2007
Mike: Alright, guys, we need a new banner for our Christmas catalog. Give me some ideas.
Bob: Let's go with maybe an angel motif?
Mike: Okay, that's a good start, angels are very in this Christmas. What else?
Tony: Tassles! It's gonna need tassles. It'll be like church. And a brass-tone rod, too!.
Bob: But I think the angel should be huge, like she's about to land on a small sleepy village and attack. But we'll market it like she's a "guardian angel."
Mike: Did you watch Godzilla last night, Bob?
Mike: (sighs) Well, how does everyone feel about fiber optic lights?
Bob: Oh, my God. Can we keep it under 15 bucks?
Mike: I don't see why not. Let's get the guys from China on the phone.
Enjoy an inspirational and celestial twinkle with this unique wall hanging. Beautiful scene of Guardian Angel watching over a country village, with sparkling fiber optic lights. Hangs from brass-tone rod with tasseled trim. Req. 3 "AAA" batteries (not incl.). 31"H x 26 1/2"W. Imported $14.99