Friday, November 24, 2006

If We Took A Holiday

Took some time to celebrate/Just one day ouf of life
It would be/It would be so nice.
By the time you read this, I will be here. See you on Dec. 4!

(fantastic Mexican sunset from the balcony of my hotel last year)

New Standards In Credit Card Debt

The ads for Bose's new headphones are plastered all over the place, so I thought I'd go to their website and see for myself. The first thing that popped up was the price: $99.95, next to a fat "BUY NOW" button. One of the new features--sorry--"standards"--are jelly-fish like pods that you insert into your ear, but since they come in three sizes, how will you know that the one you end up with wasn't returned by someone who already jammed the-too-large units into their dirty ears? Gross. This is just way too stupid. Try again, guys. Bose


Seal of Disapproval


“Bag Sealer locks in freshness. Heat sealer creates an airtight lock that keeps chips, cookies and pretzels "store-bought crisp" in their own bag. Keeps cut veggies crunchy and fresh; also great for preparing to freeze foods. Has magnetic back and on/off switch. Comes with instructions. Uses 4 AA batteries (not included). 5" L. From MSR Imports Inc.”

Maybe this should be used to seal the wallets of those gullible idiots who are thinking, "I really need that," while a box of perfectly good Ziplock bags collects dust in their kitchen. But thank God for that on/off switch. What will they think of next?

So Thankful I'm Not You


Dear Asshole Thanksgiving Guest:

First, it wasn't my fault that your newborn daughter started screaming uncon-trollably right after you brought her into the house. Second, I was not the one who dressed her in a cheap, non-breathable polyester outfit that caused her to develop an out-of-control rash. So when I say, jokingly, "Welcome to fatherhood," and you snap at me, saying, "Are you a father? How can you welcome me to fatherhood?" I wish I had brought a weapon to the dinner table. Obviously, you have no sense of humor, because the entire table laughed at my joke. You and your bitchy, bitter wife could use a lesson in basic manners. Fuck off, okay?

C

P.S. - Stop eating so motherfucking fast. What are you trying to do, set a world record?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Return of The Carpenter

I don't want to let so many of the faithful down, but the truth is, Jesus has been back for quite some time. He's living in Astoria and running his own home improvement business. (click to enlarge)

Christmas Is Coming! Getcha Sunglasses Ready!

Today, you should all be thankful that you don't live next to these people.
Put down that turkey drumstick and march right over to this website: Ugly Christmas Lights. I don't know what I love best: the blinding, headache-inducing picture Galleries or the Fan Mail section, where there's everything from fan mail from cynical people like me, to crazed irate homeowners and militant Christmas "decorators" defending their "work." This is my Thanskgiving gift to all of you. Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

STICK IT


(Even though this is a piece of shit, I like how they’ve unintentionally sexualized the “instructions.”)

SLIDE IT ON - Loosen the band and slide your middle finger in, so the band is resting between the first two knuckles as shown.

FIT IT - Squeeze the band so it fits your finger comfortably. The pen should be pointing forward and slightly raised. Align the Z shape of the band so it rests between your middle and index fingers.

GRIP IT - Grab the Zip pen with your Thumb and Index finger, and rotate it until it feels like you're holding a regular pen.

WRITE IT - Also try typing, clicking your mouse, flipping through papers. Any activity is possible and your ZIP pen is ready to write when you need it.

FUCK IT - Put your credit cards away, idiot shoppers. Not only will you inadvertently write on yourself, the wall, someone’s shirt or your office chair while using the Zip Pen, but once it runs out of ink (quicker than you’d expect—look how short it is), you’ll probably never be able to find a replacement.
You May Also Like: Have Your Credit Card Ready!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Because All Your Other Dresses Are Ugly!


I know that marketers have their work cut out for them with all the other products out there for consumers to choose from, but this is just false advertising.

Flattering Button-Front Dress
Look lovely and feel comfortable in this easy-to-wear button-front dress. It features figure-flattering trapeze styling with a notched collar, short sleeves, full button-front and handy side-seam pockets. Imported in cool, machine washable cotton/poly. Available in multicolor floral prints on a white or black background - let uchoose for you. Available in sizes: SM(6-8), MED(10-12), LG(14-16), 1X(16-18), 2X(20-22) or 3X(24-26)

Really? Is it still flattering in size 26?

When Natural Selection Is Not Enough

The MTA attempts to make nice with idiot train surfing lemmings in the hopes that they'll be spared another 100 million-dollar lawsuit after the family of the "victim" tries to claim that "not enough" was done to prevent this from happening.


When Faux Animals Attack


Quiz Time! What's the scariest thing about this Faux Fur Coat? (click to enlarge and read)

a) The bizarre "Christmas light" pattern
b) The price
c) the fact that it's "machine washable"
d) The fact that it is available in size 28W

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to see that waddling down the street towards me in 3X.

iDumb

I recently read that there are almost 3,000 iPod accessories available on the market. Here are two that should have never made it.

iPulse™ speaker system with ZipConnect™ for all iPod® and MP3 players: Colorful lightshow pulses to the music! Excellent dual aluminum-cone speakers deliver full-range stereo sound. iPulse™ puts on a brilliant lightshow — like a new-fashioned jukebox — with multiple red, blue and green LED lights pulsing on and off in sync with the pitch and beat of the music. Originally $99.99, Now $69.99.

Friendly iPulse® Bear for playing iPod® tunes or listening to stories from audio books.
Teddy hugs your music player to his belly in a pouch; a hidden cable connects to the headphone jack of any iPod or any other audio device with a headphone jack.
Squeeze his paw to turn him on and hear your tunes through his built-in speaker — and enjoy the iPulse lightshow on all four paws!
The green, blue and red LED light show pulses to the music's rhythm, frequency and volume; his eyes glow blue or green too.
Runs on 4 C batteries (order separately) or optional AC adapter (SM906, $9.95).
Created by Sharper Image Design.

Lighter Fluid Sold Separately


“Decorative 'Marble' Tiles cover up old, damaged or discolored tiles to give your kitchen or bath a new look. Set of 24 metal tiles won't crack, chip or stain. Each tile is 4-1/4" sq.; set covers up to 3 sq. ft. Two colors available.”

Give your home the look and feel of a 1970's crack-house with these contrasting tiles that are guaranteed not to match any tile color in your home! You'd be better off covering everything up with old newspapers or setting the house on fire.

(p.s.-the other color is White Marble)

Who Needs Diet Drugs When You've Got This?


"Sugared Candy Corn Wreath & Garland. Giant candy cornsa yummy sight! Even yummier with a blaze of silken fabric leaves and organza ribbon bows wired to shape as you wish. $34.98"

Just in time for Thanksgiving, this craptastic wreath and garland set is the perfect appetite suppressant. Simply hang it directly over the table, or on the fridge, and never overeat again! Guaranteed effective! Works for the whole family!

(Note: I cut and pasted the description. "Cornsa" is not a typo.)

Diamonds Aren't Forever


Hey ladies, put your man in a trance with this stylish diamond patterned skirt. Or cause a 43-car pile up. Boring square heeled shoes sold separately.

I literally gasped when I saw this. And it take a lot of ugly to make me gasp.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Patchwork Orange

I don't want to spoil the surprise, but some lucky lady could be walking home with one of these for Christmas. (You know who you are, Helen. Which color do you want?)

Friday, November 17, 2006

Not So Fast, Pie Lover!

“Serve your yummy pumpkin pie on yummy pumpkin dishes. Delightfully detailed 9" stoneware dish with cover bakes to perfection and serves with flair. 6" plates help guests savor every bite. A great gift! Dishwasher safe.”

They're certainly adamant about this being used exclusively for pumpkin pie. Warning: Use only as directed. Not to be used for apple, cherry, blueberry or sweet potato pies. May cause severe burns if used to serve cheesecake. Not responsible for injuries due to misuse.

So Much For Regifting

“Use time constructively! Quartz clock with moving parts is a whimsical reminder! Die-cast brushed metal vehicle has shovel and backhoe that raise and lower, wheels that spin. Cab houses clock. Includes button battery. 7" x 2" x 2", weighs 1/2 lb.-great paperweight! Up to 3 custom-engraved initials. $16.98”

Use time constructively? Very funny, considering how many people have wasted their time here. Let's see: the people that designed this thing, the people that marketed it, the engravers that put the three initials on the top, the photographer, the people at the Lillian Vernon catalog who bought untold numbers of them, the webmaster, and ultimately, the poor construction worker (or day laborer) who will receive this as a gift, rather than, say, a gift certificate from the Home Depot.

Adventures in Cloning

One of these is a Cadillac CTS. The other is the Chinese-made Marindo 506 from Shanghai Maple. Can you tell which is which?


Source: Autoblog. See the article here

It's Hideous Car Friday!

This is the Geely Fengyin Concept. Isn't it hideous? I am at a loss for words. Well, maybe not.
Classic, understated elegance...

...a sumptuous and comfortable interior...

Bold, innovative lines...

NOT. Thank God it's just a concept. But is it a car? An SUV? A plane, maybe? Not for nothing, but maybe the Chinese should quit the car business before they're laughed out of it. Source: Autoblog. Read their article here.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

And The Idiot of the Century Award Goes To...

Okay, a few questions for OJ Simpson:
a) how far are you going to push your luck?
b) do you know when to shut the fuck up?
c) do you realize that the entire world knows you did it anyway?
Source: MSNBC.com. Read the full story here.

Happy Belated Halloween!

I almost lost my lunch when I came across this today...


Scroll down...




Keep going....




It's worth the wait...



BOO!

Source: PerezHilton. Check out the Wildebeast here.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Handy Holiday Gift Guide

The holidays are coming fast and you’ve probably been asking yourself, “What do you get for the blogger who has everything? That really funny one who just brightens up my whole world and gives me hope for the future.”

Well, here is a handy-dandy guide to what I don’t want this holiday season. If I see any of these things under my tree, I shall burn your house down while you sleep.

Garlic Express






Horrid "Torchiere" Lamp, courtesy of Moda furniture


...and whatever the fuck this thing is. (also courtesy of Moda furniture)

Tick-tick-Not


The tagline for this item says, "It's time for a family heirloom."

BEAUTIFUL WOODEN PENDULUM CLOCK

The Pendulum Clock has all the qualities to become a family treasure for anyone who owns it. The chronometer has precision quartz movement and is set into a deluxe, traditional-style wooden case. This clock can sit proudly on a shelf or hang commandingly on the wall. The Famous Westminster chimes greet each hour. Automatically turns off at night. Brass-tone pendulum. Imported.

Isn't it breathtaking? Look at the level of detail on that thing! I especially love the "brass-tone" pendulum. I'm sure we'll be seeing this beauty on a future episode of Cash In The Attic or Antiques Roadshow. I'd say that if it's under $20.00, it might only qualify for "family heirloom status" if that family happens to live in a trailer park. Source: The Invention Channel.

And We'll Start Painting Them Different Colors, Too!

From the "No Shit, Sherlock" Department:
"To be honest, the more differentiation we can create, the more we can build a stronger brand for Lincoln, which stands on its own," Horbury said. "It also helps to make the Fords look like something else, like something special."
--Peter Horbury, North American design chief for Ford, Lincoln and Mercury.

(above) The boring Lincoln MKZ

(below) Ford Fusion and Mercury Milan

Source: Autoweek. Read the full article here

Monday, November 13, 2006

As If Flip Flops Weren't Stupid Enough

"Just Married" Flip-Flops make quite an impression! Announce the happy news with every step you take in this fun and festive beach footwear. Incised letters on each rubber sole spell "Just Married" -an ideal honeymoon take-along! Clear plastic straps. Women's and men's sizes available. Just Married Flip Flops

What a great idea! And then, when you get home from your honeymoon vacation, you can... oh shit. You won't be "just married" anymore. Nevermind! Great for polygamists, though!

2 Cool and 2 Stupid

Are you cool? Really? You think so? Well, you're not as cool as the Flying Monkey! Look at him, sitting in that tree. And because he flies, he's even cooler. And apparently, he also screams. Scroll down and read on...Super Flingshot Flying Monkey is the Hottest toy of the season! You and your friends will laugh 'til your sides hurt as the Flingshot Flying Monkey soars and screams across the sky! Soar as high as feet 50 in the air and screams as he flies (motion activated)! It's a great gift for ANYONE ages 5 to 95! Just insert your fingers into the pouches on the palm of Flingshot Fly Monkey's hand, pull his body back to create the Super Fly "slingshot", and let him go!

Check him out: The Flying Monkey!

Open Letter To A Couple of Subway Riders


Dear Idiots,
Hey, I know that you must be tired from carrying around all those plastic shopping bags (I counted at least 12 between the two of you), but please bear in mind that we have something here in America called "personal space." What this means is that if you decide to slump over dog-tired in your subway seat, head resting in your boyfriend's crotch, please keep your fucking ass on your seat. Do not jut your ass out so that it practically rests on other people's knees. Otherwise, you will end up here, mocked and ridiculed for your stupidity.
Thanks! (and what is in those fucking plastic bags, anyway?)

If Only It Was Bigger


“Toothpick Dispenser holds up to 700 toothpicks! Hate to keep toothpicks on the table, but know that someone will need one? The sleek lines and retro styling of this stainless steel holder make it an attractive solution. Toothpicks (not included) dispense one at a time with a quick turn of the handy knob. 4-3/4" x 3-1/2" x 3-1/4". $11.98”

So now, instead of having, say, a small, unobtrusive cup with maybe 15 toothpicks, you can have an ugly, bulky, “retro” tin box with a dorky knob that holds 700! Livens up boring parties! Great for Costco addicts and children, too!

Friday, November 10, 2006

I'm So Stupid

Dear Readers:

Sometimes I am the stupid one. Real stupid. I just now enabled my comments after switching to an upgraded version of Blogger. There was some "confusion" there. Thank you for reading! I promise it won't happen again.

Ciao,

Chris

Cave Dwellers Celebrate!

Ultra-compact forecaster predicts storms and fair weather...tells you what day it is, even wakes you up with a friendly snooze alarm. Big, clear, easy-read LCD screen is backlit for nighttime visibility. Remote thermo sensor relays accurate outdoor information without any wires. Use with stand or mount on your wall. Memory function. 2 AAA and 1 cell battery included. 6 1⁄2” x 3” x 2”.
• actually forecasts your weather up to 8 hours in advance!
• Wireless data system for outdoor temperatures
• memory function

$59.99

For those of you without access to newspapers, thermometers, friends, internet, television, cell phones, or windows. Best of all, it works on a stupid combination of AAA and button batteries that you'll have to replace often! This piece of shit will NEVER pay for itself. EVER.

Wow! I Can't Believe Her Eyes!

The Revolutionary new Make-up Concealer that covers major to minor skin imperfections on the face and body! The 5 piece kit contains everything you need to conceal skin imperfections from dark eye circles, to birthmarks, acne blemishes, age spots, varicose veins, surface scars and other skin flaws. • Age Spots• Acne Blemishes• Varicose Veins• Tattoos• Laser Redness• Surface Scars• Freckles• And More• Non-Irritating• Fragrance-Free• Waterproof• Smudge Resistant• Long-Lasting

And, as you can see from these amazing before and after pictures, it's great for victims of domestic violence or heavy drinkers. Order now or get a black eye!
From your friends at The Invention Channel

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Statue of Liberties

Dear Aspiring Mural Artist:
I know that you’re trying something new by taking a few liberties here on your patriotic mural, but I am confused. Please answer my questions. I have a lot of them.
Why is the Statue of Liberty purple? I thought she was green. Also, why is her torch missing parts?
Is the Statue of Liberty at war with those giant gingerbread kids? If not, why is she trying to burn them with her torch? Why is the warped N train about to run into those gingerbread kids? Was that train operator recently tested for drugs?

What planet is that? Is it Earth? I’m having trouble finding the United States. Or South America, or Europe, or…

That bald eagle has enormous feathers that seem to be going in all directions at once. Should I be afraid? Will the Eagle come and eat me in my sleep tonight?

Why are the stars on the flag so many different sizes? And why are there only twelve? Is that for the colonies?

Why is the Triboro bridge missing its support cables? Did terrorists cut them off? If so, then look out! Someone is going to end up in the black sea!
I await your prompt answers.

Thank you.

One last question: Did you get any more work after you defaced this building?

Other Stupid Murals: A Giant's Best Friend, They Did It Their Way--High On Drugs, I Hope They Had Travel Insurance, and Ka-key Poo-Pey.