Tuesday, October 31, 2006

La Freaka Bonita

“Bonita” Lounge Set
“A soft velour set great for relaxing—and flattering enough for going out! Embroidered leaf vine accents and sleek satin trim add attractive detail. Elastic drawstring waist. Misty blue. Cotton/polyester; machine wash. Imported. Starts at $59.95”

Flattering enough for going out? They're kidding, I hope. This is exactly why the tourists that come to NYC are so easy to spot (aside from fanny packs, I love NY t-shirts and playbills from The Lion King). Don't they know that "imported" isn't necessarily a selling point? It's too bad it doesn't come in other colors like Fuschia or Teal.

And I'll bet you'd like to know why it "starts" at $59.95. Because anything over size large is $5.00 more, so put down that leftover Halloween candy!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Works Better than AA


Here’s a reason to stop drinking forever.

“LED Mug lights up whenever you lift it! The secret's in the base, where six LED bulbs in a rainbow of colors are embedded be-tween insulated layers. Creates a cool, flashing "light show" each time you lift your glass; set mug down and lights stop! Has on/off switch. Includes button cell batteries. Durable plastic mug holds 16 oz.”

I Hope They Had Travel Insurance

Minnie: Mickey…
Mickey: Yes, Minnie?
Minnie: Why is the chrome on our car green?
Mickey: Gee, I don’t know. Keep smiling for the photographer.
Minnie: Why is the driver’s side headlight so much larger than the other? And also, why are the windshield wipers transparent, not to mention the windshield frame?
Mickey: I don’t know. Jesus! Would you stop asking so many questions! What’s the hell is wrong with you?
Minnie: Nothing. It’s just that our car has no wheels and there is a tsunami headed right for us. Say “cheese!”
Mickey: Oh, shit.


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Ka-key-Poo-pey

(Special thanks to my good friend Helen)

Halloween Costume Round Up!

With just a few more days til Halloween, I wanted to give you guys some more options:

“Grey Wig with Pink Curlers - Just what you need to get everyone laughing at your next Halloween party. To complete the look, just add an apron or a frumpy old housedress, and you'll be ready to rock. Get ready to hear giggles and to see heads turn when you enter with your glamorous do! One size fits all.”

Great for Golden Girls parties and Bingo Tournaments!



I can just hear his mother now: "I told him to stop making those faces, but he didn't listen to me--and now it stayed like that. And this is all he can do now. Model Halloween costumes. Maybe one day he'll get lucky and get a toothpaste commercial, but I don't know..."

“This hat's the battiest! You'll be flying with the best of 'em when you don this zany cap for your next costume party or Halloween gathering. It's a beauty with a 30" "wingspan", but not to worry -you'll remain firmly on the ground while wearing it! One size fits all. Imported.”

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Halloween Costume Freakshow

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Black And White And Dead All Over


Guess the name of this piece of “artwork.”
Is it:
a) Roadkill
b) Fresh Corpse In Repose
c) Bee #1
d) Easy Girl/Bad Date
e) Sudden Paralysis
f) I’ve Fallen

If you guessed c, you are an art lover. Good for you! (Or, you just happened to pick up a copy of The L Magazine.) This is the work of photographer Eikoh Hosoe. I tried to blow up the image to see the “bee,” but it looks more like a fake plastic eagle taking flight. Still, that girl looks dead, so maybe it was a killer bee.

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Cooking For Dumbasses

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Give The Finger...

...and you'll get the finger too!

"Finger" Nose Hair Trimmer is everyone's "pick" to remove unsightly nasal hair! Humorous finger-shaped, cordless electric trimmer quickly and safely grooms delicate nose and ear area without nicks or cuts. Has on/off switch and sure-grip handle. Includes safety blade cover. Uses 1 AA battery (not included). 5" L."

They forgot to add: And it's great for self-prostate exams, too!

Quick Quiz: Who is the most pathetic?
a) The inventor of the Finger Nose Hair Trimmer
b) The man modeling the Finger Nose Hair Trimmer
c) Men who buy the Finger Nose Hair Trimmer
d) Three way tie

Was a visual demonstration really that necessary here? Beating. Dead. Horse. Warning: use of this product will cause discoloration of eyes and clothing. (Click image to enlarge and compare the eyes)

Hearing Aid Not Included

“Bingo Mask will have folks shouting more than "Bingo"! They'll be startled at the sight of this full-face mask and cap combo that'll create a sensation at Halloween gatherings or costume parties. Female mask sports gray hair, lipstick and rouged "cheeks", male has oversized "jowls", nose and ears. Made of lightweight latex with eye, nose and mouth openings. Caps adjust to fit all sizes.”

Other uses for the Bingo Mask:
1) Great for undercover cops investigating elder abuse at nursing homes!
2) Play "time travel" and imagine what you'll look like 50 years from now!

3) Educational aid for teachers when lecturing on the dangers of excess sun exposure.

Previously:
Halloween Costume Freakshow

Separated At Birth

(Above) Scary union rat with unexplained orange pigmented skin and possible stomach tumor. (Below) Ling Ling, animated character from Comedy Central's "Drawn Together."

Chain of Fools


This is why I hate MySpace. I post bulletins so that people know of updates to my blog. I post to warn people of the stupidity out there, of the products, experiences, questionable fashion sense I've discovered. I post because I like to entertain people. And it works.

Other people, however, post shit like this:

"No offense but...some people are getting too carried away on here. So I gave in, let's see who will actually read this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Lets see who the true friends are and I think I know who you are... Aren't you curious to see who of your 20 myspace friends read their bulletins?? Repost this if you are a friend.. Don't reply... just copy and paste this in a new bulletin."

As you can see, the classic chain letter has not died, as I suspected it would, after millions of chain-letter loving, naive children (and adults) flocked to the free MySpace website to find friends and finally get laid.

No, Sir! The chain letter is still alive, but it has mutated and returned in the form of a whiny, desperate, generic bulletin. And it still pisses me off.

Whoever started this should be executed by firing squad. Whoever started this has no friends and, frankly, doesn't deserve any. He or she suffers from a complete lack of self-esteem, has the personality of a dial tone and is likely hideous to look at. This is not my problem. Whoever you are, please do us all a favor and go jump off a bridge--after we sell it to you.

Ms. Crab-pee


It’s 5:30; time to go home. I push the button and wait for the elevator. The doors open to reveal my boss and her husband. I get in and press 1. We engage in small talk about the approaching holidays, the colder weather, and deliberate when the clocks need to be turned back an hour (I have no idea). As we’re talking, I feel the elevator slow down. Damn. We’re stopping. I look at the digital display. It’s the creepy floor. Double damn.

The creepy floor gets its name from the people that work there (and visit it). I don’t know if it’s a doctor’s office, an accountant’s office, or maybe even a nursing home. I do know that their waiting area features some of the ugliest furniture ever duct-taped together and that there isn’t a single incandescent bulb to be found. Every worker is bathed under harsh fluorescent lighting. I also know that their receptionist is miserable (a dead ringer for Ms. Crabtree from South Park, shown). I’ve watched her sit angrily at her desk, permanent frown pasted on her face. Her coworkers, however odd, complement her perfectly: bad clothes, secretive behavior (no eye contact) and, in a few cases, body odor, which is downright deadly in an elevator.


The doors open on the creepy floor. It’s the receptionist—and she’s her usual cranky self, but tonight, she is weighed down by a half dozen shopping bags. As she waddles in, I notice instantly that she smells like pee. She crams her short, wide body into the corner of the elevator, faces her back to us, and presses 1, which was, of course, already lit up.

At the first floor, the doors open. I step aside to let my boss and her husband off, extending my arm out the opening. (I’m still working on my elevator etiquette.) A low voice emanates from the corner, like a troll. “Keep going.”

Puzzled, I look down to see that the receptionist still has her back to us, but is craning her neck to look back at us, while holding the door open. I look at my boss; we are frozen for an instant.
“Keep going, keep going!” she yells, louder each time. There is a sense of alarm in her voice usually reserved for action heroes who might find themselves holding back a dam, or holding a bus overhead so that the children can get off safely before it explodes. As the three of us rush out, I look at my boss. We have the same look of shock on our faces as we try not to laugh.

I think I’ll start taking the freight elevator from now on.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Greasy's Tip Cup

Is it just me, or has even the most basic customer service gone off the deep end?
I walk into Lenny’s bagels on my way to visit my parents in Astoria. Other than the two employees eating at one of the tables, I’m the only customer there in the entire store.

Good, no waiting, I think.

I approach the cashier. “I’d like a sesame seed bagel with cream cheese, please.” I always say please and thank you. If anything, it keeps them from spitting in my food. The cashier smiles briefly, then starts tapping her touch screen with the back of her index fingernail.
She looks up and asks, as if I haven’t said anything at all, “What kind of bagel would you like?” Is she fucking kidding me? I repeat myself. “A sesame seed bagel with cream cheese—actually, butter instead.” This seems to confuse her, but she taps this into the screen.
More questioning. “Do you want a little butter, or…” her voice trails off. “Well, a little more than that,” I say. “The regular amount,” I add, now feeling stupid, as if I’d asked for something I don’t deserve, like double cream cheese at no charge. What is wrong with this girl? I know that butter isn’t cheap, but I’d still like to taste something other than sesame seeds with my coffee.
“Okay,” she giggles. “Do you want it toasted?”
“No.”
“Okay,” she taps the screen some more.
“Anything else?”
I size things up in my head: empty store, stupid cashier… it’s likely that the coffee sucks as well. Better get a small one. “Yes, a small cup of coffee with milk, but no sugar.” She turns to the machine and gets ready to pour the coffee. She pauses and turns to me. “Do you want sugar?”

Die, stupid idiot.

At this point, I want to jump over the counter, slap her, and just fix the order myself. I can imagine what happens when there are two customers in the store. Lost orders, impatient customers walking out, maybe a few overturned tables.

I look down to see the obligatory tip cup. It’s a small plastic pumpkin, with some loose change at the bottom. A few people have been gullible enough to make a deposit today. Whenever I see people casually toss their change into a tip cup, I want to yell, “STOP! You don’t have to do that! And they’re not worth it!” I take out my camera phone and snap a few pictures, while pretending to make a phone call.
Suddenly, I hear her yell, “He doesn’t want it toasted!” She turns to me and says, giggling, of course, “They were just about to toast your burger.” I think to myself, Did she just say “burger?” I pretend I don’t hear her. I just take my order and go.

Down in the subway, sitting on a bench, I open the bag and start to eat. I wonder if I’ve been to Lenny’s bagels before, as I chew on my dry untoasted bagel with just a film of butter on it. It is the same amount you’d find at the bottom of, say, a greased cookie sheet. I have a vague sense of déjà vu, as if I’ve experienced this kind of disappointment before. I’ll bet I have, because sometimes I’m the one that’s really stupid.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

CONVERT OR DIE, HEATHEN!

Anatomy of a Religious Pamphlet
1) Graphic and bloody image of Jesus Christ on the cross? Check.

2) Threats of eternal damnation written up as “voting” ballot? Check.

3) Carefully selected bible quotes designed to strike fear in the weak, gullible, and elderly? Check.

I’m not trying to be blasphemous here, but any religion that uses threats to convert people is just desperate—and stupid. I'd be far more likely to check out their religion if it weren't so heavy handed and scary-sounding. But then again, Halloween is coming, so maybe they're just trying to get in the spirit.

I’m still thinking about checking the second option and sending it to them out of spite. Should I?
(click to enlarge)

The Ultimate Cheating Machine

BMW has just released pictures of its limited-edition Hell Hath No Fury M3 Coupe. (click images to enlarge) It features two tone red and black paint job, both inside and out, custom pinstripes, detachable side view mirrors, privacy “crackle” windshield and removable side windows. Pricing has not yet been announced. Source: Carscoop






The Adventures of Spiderwomen

Oooh, scary spiderwebs! What kind of creature could have created something like this?
It must have been these two.

Stuck on Stucco!

Identify this building:
a) Animal hospital
b) Mental institution
c) Area 51
d) Chemical plant
e) Beach resort in Beirut
f) Office complex in Florida
g) Apartment co-op in Astoria

If you chose g, you are sadly and frighteningly correct. (click to enlarge, if you dare)

This old factory in Astoria has been converted into a hideous stucco co-op complex! Unfortunately for the residents of this neighborhood, the former Eagle electric factory building was not protected by any landmark status, so it was all too easy to go to town when remodeling (destroying) the exterior.
Where do I start? The heavy, terraced balconies, added on by the builders, are not only ugly, but, depending on what floor you live on, are a sort of cruel punishment. The tenants of the second floor get the largest ones, so snagging the fourth floor unit is nothing to be proud of. The need for a so many balconies on the side of the building that faces only traffic and small houses, is just stupid. It is the opposite side that faces the river and NYC skyline.

I think it’s official: architecture is dead.

Also, take a look at the grand and imposing entrance, with its glossy black plastic 99-cent letters, and an abstract red stucco “arrow” that seems to say “you are here” to those lost or too scared to enter.

As far as I can tell, those green windows are on purpose and will not be painted a more neutral color. And the red diagonally painted corners of the building are also no accident. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Lame-O Bricks!

Remember Lego bricks? I do. I loved them. The only frustrating thing for me was running out of one color brick and having to finish with another, less complementary color. The owners of this house must have had the same experience.

Was the Department of Buildings was on vacation when this fucking mess of a house was remodeled to death?

Ouch.

Try Backlighting Next Time

So, I’m watching BBC America last night and there’s a show on called “My Husband Is Gay.” It focused on marriages that were destroyed after the husbands admitted to being gay. Some of the wives accepted the issue and some even stayed married. All the husbands, save for one, were okay with being filmed for television. The exception, fearing homophobic attacks, was Sam, whose appearance was altered to make him “less recognizable.”

This is only the second time in my life where I’ve taken a picture of the TV screen.

Screwed, We Are

So if I reverse the order of the text, as the poster suggests that I should, I get this: “Log on, in case of a black out.”

Okay, did I miss something? It still says the same fucking thing!

Did anyone bother to check this before sending it to the printer? And go ahead, just try to read the fine print at the bottom of the ad. That’s where they put the important information, like the phone number and the internet address. They’ve used a typeface and point size commonly reserved for legal mumbo jumbo at the end of commercials for Bowflex machines and used car showrooms.

This is an example of what happens when you’re an aspiring graphic designer who’s trying to be all “edgy” and you’re fucking the head of the media relations department for the Office of Emergency Management.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

You Don't Say...

Shockingly, the new Jeep Compass isn't selling as well as Daimler Chrysler had hoped. Boo hoo. So, what's to blame? Is it the ridiculously stupid bobblehead ad campaign? The embarrassingly stupid styling? Or lack of ground clearance that gives it the offroad capability of a shopping cart?

F.ull O.f R.idiculous D.ecisions

This, dear readers, is the brand new Ford Mondeo. Hot. Totally hot. I love this car. I think it is damn near perfect. I would buy one in a split second. The bad news? Except for it's featured part in the upcoming 007 movie, you will never see it in the U.S. That's right-- even with all the troubles facing Ford, we will not get to see this model here. It's for EUROPE only. They are STUPID. And possibly high on meth.
But don't worry, we'll still get gracefull, sophisticated machines like this Expedition to choose from. Ford: Full Of Ridiculous Decisions.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane... It's Stupid.

Do not adjust your screens. What you are seeing is not a joke. It is not a photoshopped image. It is real. The Toyota Yaris Superman Edition.
It is also not a toy. Although, I wish it were, so that I could buy one and smash it with a hammer like I did when I was a kid. The good news is that is will NOT be available in the United States.

Want to see more? You know you do; it's like a car wreck. Click here for more details about this one-of-a-kind stupid idea. I'm still shaking my head.
Source: Carscoop

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

What, It's Not Battery Powered Too?


"Bean Vac™ canister automatically vacuum seals more than a pound of coffee (whole beans or ground) — locking in freshness better than any other storage method. Lock the silicone-gasket lid and Bean Vac's built-in vacuum pump creates a secure seal in seconds. Ideal for other foods such as cookies, nuts, spices, tea and chocolates. The best and easiest way to store coffee beans is only $39.95!"

Did I miss something here? Are stale coffee beans that much of an epidemic in this country? It doesn’t grind, it doesn’t chill, doesn’t brew, it just stores them—for $40.00 (plus shipping and handling, of course)


(pause)


Sharp.

KA-KEY POO-PEY!

Let me just start by saying that if I had a Hall of Shame, this would be the first entry. No nominating process, no judging, it would be a shoe-in. Number one.

This is the mural outside a children's "boutique" called Coo-key Boo-key. I won’t tell you where it is, because I think with a name like that, they should be forced out of business via bulldozer (or Molotov cocktail.) More on that name later.

Murals are big in this neighborhood—and this one is sadly typical with shockingly bad colors and crappy perspective. The residents of this middle class community need to put an end to this shit before it starts looking like the South Bronx.

But I digress. This “mural” is stupid, annoying and bizarre—all at the same time. It simultaneously depicts the interior of the store and gives you many reasons to stay outside. (click image to enlarge, kiddies)
(Side note: the flag is part of a mural for the store next to it.)
I’ve noticed a few stupid things and I’m puzzled. See if you agree.

1. Who is the girl in the blue shirt? A child? Or one of the Mexican stockgirls? If she’s a child, why is she shopping alone? Either way, she doesn’t look too happy, probably because of the poor stock selection. I haven’t seen clothes that cheap and ugly since I went to Conway. (And I didn’t buy anything—I swear.)

2. Notice the photo on the wall above her. Is the boy tearing the ears off that teddy bear? Or did they forget to paint in the second one?

3. Is the red table inside the store that crooked? They really ought to fix that before it falls and kills some toddler. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

4. And that fucking stupid baby-talk name! What in the hell were they thinking? Coo-key Boo-key. Christ. “Tina, let’s go shopping at Coo-key Boo-key! And then we can have lun-chey wun-chey and go nap-pey nap-pey!” It’s like some kind of inside joke, or nickname that they thought would be soooo cute to name the store after. They should be arrested and charged with indecency.

5. Since it’s pretty obvious that the woman in red is the owner of the store, someone should tell her that outfit makes her look totally flat-chested.

It's Not Seven Years Bad Luck...

When you break a mirror that looks like this.
"Gilded Wall Mirrors "reflect" your style! Versatile trio adapts easily to dining and living rooms, bedroom, bath and hallways. Flank the larger mirror with the two smaller ones, or create your own special display. Corinthian detailing at each end lends a classic look that coordinates with many décors. Largest mirror is 18" H, smaller pair are each 15-1/8" H. "

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Commercial Space Available! Lots of Light!

What do you do when you’re a stingy property owner and your three-store complex suspiciously burns to the ground? Do you:
a) swear you have no idea what happened and wait for the insurance money to kick in
b) sell the property
c) hope that the yet-to-re-open adjacent McDonalds could use an outdoor seating area
d) give up, slap up some plywood and a “For Rent” sign

FAT BASTARD

Friday
11:30 a.m. – Announce to anyone within earshot that I would NOT be having any of the pizza provided by the firm for lunch. Eat “healthy” tuna sandwich instead.
12:45 – 5:30 p.m. – graze periodically on leftover pepperoni pizza in office kitchen, even while leaving for the day.
8:30 p.m. – regret recent sins about pizza over margaritas with out-of-town guests.
8:45 p.m. – pizza ordered for out-of-town guests who love NYC-style pizza. Eat 3 slices—with pepperoni, of course.

Saturday
Go to afternoon dinner at friend’s house.
Eat 2 croissants and several handfuls of cashews while helping to prep and set the table.
Eat everything that is offered to me and then some.
Inhale 10 Pepperidge Farm cookies because there are so many varieties to choose from in the unattended box on the table.
Go home.
Order Chinese food for late evening dinner with out-of-town guests.

Sunday
Visit parents in Astoria. Eat one slice of their leftover pizza (with everything), but pass at tempting donuts while getting coffee because of slightly bloated appearance in store mirror. Get haircut to feel better about self.

Go home. Attack leftover pizza at back at home--2 slices (with pepperoni).Briefly consider going to the gym. Eat leftover Chinese food. Eat leftover Entenmann’s New! “black and white” cake. Struggle to sleep with simultaneous sugar rush and bloated stomach.

Monday
7:45 – 7:50 a.m. – Wake up with bloated stomach. Engage in violent struggle with khaki pants. Try on navy pants, which also put up a good fight. Consider induced vomiting.



Friday, October 06, 2006

Halloween Costume FreakShow!

Frank: God, this is humilating.
Maria: You should see what we're doing next week.
Frank: Oh, God, stop posing like that. You're embarrassing me.
Maria: You're the one with just your thumbs in your pockets. Jerk.

“Handcuffs Costume has the most arresting look! Bring your date to the party in shackles and chains, and give a whole new meaning to "prisoner of love!" Hanging out together is one thing, but handcuffs are even better. Don't lose the key! Two-piece costume has Velcro ® link, detaches at the middle. Each Cuff is 24" x 24". Poly knit on foam.” $34.98

Killing S&M fantasies everywhere. Pleather pants not included.

Fugly Has A Home


This the hideous "Great Wall Wingle" from China. I hear you. “What the hell is a Wingle?” Yes, there are other automakers out there that we don’t get to see. Hopefully this one will never make it to the US. Check out their full model line of fugly rebadged trucks and SUVs with bizarre names like Deer, Sailor, Socool, and Pegasus. Makes that Yaris look sexy, doesn’t it?
Great Wall

Previously:
when compact car design just gives up...
when suv design goes awry...


Thursday, October 05, 2006

If You Hadn't Wasted All Your Money on That Massive Wood Door...

"Leave the door open and let the fresh air in with our Instant Screen Door. Our mesh door screen will let fresh air in keeping your home cool, yet keep pesty bugs out! Installs in minutes with hook and loop hinge creating an instant barrier against unwanted insects and pests and giving you the freedom to leave the front door open for better home ventilation. Screen folds for easy storage. Fits standard doors up to 36" wide. approx. 37"W x 82"H" $14.95" Includes: Instant Screen Door

Not Responsible for Flood Damage

"Turn your faucet into sanitary and fun water fountain with Spountin. Installs and is ready to use in just minutes. Simply pull the lever and you have a fountain. Use it anywhere in the house! The Spountin will make everyday routines such as brushing teeth, getting a drink, taking a pill or rinsing your mouth a WHOLE LOT EASIER! Keep the germs from your hands out of your mouth with Spountin. Stop getting your whole face wet under the faucet with Spountin. Keep your bathroom clean and less cluttered with Spountin. It's also convenient for filling up anything that won't fit easily under your faucet."

Great for quick showers when you don't have time in the morning. And kids love it too! Crank it up and see who can hit the ceiling first!

Depression Days Are Here Again!

"Prevent identity theft with the 3-in-1Shredder. Handle all your home, office shredding needs with this amazing 3-in- Shredder. This shredder will shed paper, credit cards, and even CD’s! Can take several pieces of paper at once. Durabale steel cutters shred with just a turn of the handle. Large clear 1.2 gallon waste container is easy to empty. Keep credit cards, receipts, confidential papers and CD’s out of the wrong hands."

Old fashioned hand-crank shredder will have you reliving those glory days from the 1920's! Great way to get exercise! Works with pasta too! Mama Mia!

Cooking for Dumbasses


I normally ignore The L Magazine when I see it, but last night, at the gym, there it was, the only thing to read while working out on the stationary bike. It didn’t take long to come across something stupid—and it was called “Free-Form Lasagna.”

The probably 21 year old author of the article seemed to be under the impression that she had created something truly magical and visionary. Her lack of a working stove (due to a gas leak) has taught her to improvise! And improvise she did, creating a stovetop recipe! Fight the power!

Fucking Free-Form Lasagna (or Dropped Lasagna) excludes any meat (for uptight vegetarians, no doubt), but adds red onions and eggplant. Blasphemy! I’m calling the Pope!

Assembly goes like this: cook the pasta, cook the rest of the mess in another pot. Slop the pasta noodles on a plate and dump the rest on top. Top with cheese. Anne claims that it is “so good, you’ll want to eat it straight out of the bowl with a spoon.” I might want to gag on that spoon first.

Why doesn’t this girl have her own cooking show? I’d love to see her free form pizza, with graham cracker crust and easy ketchup “sauce.” Or maybe free-form ice cream sundae, with frozen milk garnished with hot chocolate powder, served in a paper mug.