Dear Asshole Thanksgiving Guest:
First, it wasn't my fault that your newborn daughter started screaming uncon-trollably right after you brought her into the house. Second, I was not the one who dressed her in a cheap, non-breathable polyester outfit that caused her to develop an out-of-control rash. So when I say, jokingly, "Welcome to fatherhood," and you snap at me, saying, "Are you a father? How can you welcome me to fatherhood?" I wish I had brought a weapon to the dinner table. Obviously, you have no sense of humor, because the entire table laughed at my joke. You and your bitchy, bitter wife could use a lesson in basic manners. Fuck off, okay?
P.S. - Stop eating so motherfucking fast. What are you trying to do, set a world record?