Friday, December 29, 2006

Vomit Zone

Hey Party Guys and Gals! Are you known for the fun parties you throw? Are your friends always calling the next day to remind you how fucked up they got? Do any of your guests get into trouble with the law after leaving your parties? Are the police ever called to your apartment because of all the noise? No? Well, now you pretend with a flurry of wacky Party Zone products! Everyone will be talking about what a wild and wacky time they had at your place, even with the bottom shelf liquor, Kool Aid and bad Cheese Doodles. Party on, Wayne! (scroll down)

P.S. - I hate the word "wacky."

Because Gloves Are So Hard To Find In Winter

Swedish Ice Scraper/Mitten
No more freezing fingers! With this scraper/mitten in your car, your hands will stay warm as you clear snow and ice from your car window. The 8 1/2"W plastic scraper has two blades - one is soft rubber to sweep snow, the other is hard, non-scratching plastic to chip ice. Nonslip grip. Polyester fleece mitten. Machine wash.

Here's another stupid gadget that is so ridiculously task-specific that I want to bomb the factory where it's made. No, I don't believe for a second that it has anything to do with Sweden, either. And if using this isn't humilating enough, it's covered with little sheep. Makes a great gift for whiners, babies and little old ladies--all of whom shouldn't be driving in the first place, especially in the winter. Horrible.

Definately Better (and More Fun) Than a Harness

NEW! Find your child instantly! Peace of mind is only a beep away, thanks to the Giggle Bug. Just attach to your child's clothing, press a button on the handheld unit and the Giggle Bug emits a loud beep, telling you exactly where your kids are. Also beeps if dislodged or removed. Works up to 100 ft. indoors and 150 ft. outdoors. A wonderful alternative to harnesses. Choose red, pink or yellow. Two 3V cell batteries are included. Giggle Bug Toddler Tracker.

Attention Bitter Parents! Are you sick of your kids ditching you at the supermarket? Tired of calling the police everytime they run away? Wishing you could get their attention? Well now you can! The Toddler Taser is here! Simply attach the receiving pod to your child's back with two screws (included) and you're all ready! Just press the button on the hand-held Toddler Taser and your little one will be at your service! 25,000 volts of electricity are all you need to gain control of your little one. It's great for parties, schools and other family functions, too!

Rack Em Up, Beat Em Down, Poke Em Out

This is the first laser-guided regulation-sized pool cue. When activated, the harmless visible laser provides a precise guide for lining up the perfect shot with pinpoint accuracy. The touch sensor on/off switch features both manual and automatic shut-off to preserve battery life. The set includes a 58" two-piece cue with a secure microfiber grip and an aluminum joint and ferrule, in addition to two tip scuffers, two chalks, three replacement leather-tipped ferrules, and a zippered nylon carrying case with shoulder strap and accessory pocket. Requires three 1.5V batteries (six are included). 58" L. (3 lbs.)

And that carrying case is perfect for bringing it to any pool hall in New Jersey. Oh, those guys beating the shit out of you and shoving that Laser Guided Pool Cue up your ass? They're just kiddin around. They're goodfellas! (Thanks to Matt at Brandspankin for the inspiration)

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NEW! Take your pool game to the next level! A modern twist on the an old favorite, this 3D pool table plays horizontally and vertically on three levels, with scoops that allow you to shoot down - or up - for hours of family fun. More exciting than a traditional table and more challenging than bumper pool. Perfect for rooms with limited space. Sets up in a snap with no tools required. Includes two cues, two cue balls, eight balls and rack. Fits nicely on table. 35 1/2"L x 25"D x 22 1/4"H. Weight: 21 lbs.

I don't know what is more satisfying: knowing that no one will ever be able to hit the balls hard enough to make them go up one level, or that someone's going to lose an eye.

Go Home!

I'm hoping they will do a sequel to Turistas, this time set in New York City. Check out my new, holiday-themed blog for more pictures and a special announcement. Dysfunctional Holidays

Just a typical lunch hour in Times Square just before New Year's Eve.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Can You Imagine Their Wedding?

Hey, Ladies! Are you looking for a wimpy man to dominate? Someone to shine your shoes? A broken (possibly plastic) shell of a man? Then look no further, we got just what your looking for. We have bitches, pussies, wimps and crybabies, all waiting for you!


What? It Doesn't Fax, Too?

"Bedside Phone Center with dock for iPod. In one compact bedside companion, you get a feature-packed cordless phone system, a dual alarm clock, an AM/FM radio and a stereo speaker system with universal dock for playing and charging all dockable iPods. Wireless remote works the iPod and radio. The 2.4GHz telephone comes with two handsets, each with speakerphone; it has a digital answering machine, memo recorder, 50-number phonebook, 40-number Caller ID, call waiting, intercom, three-way calling and pager/locater. The large, round backlit LCD shows time and date. Program the alarms to wake you up to the radio or your iPod. $179.95"

Holy Feature Overload, Batman! In other words, this ugly glorified alarm clock has more features stuffed into it than the average person would need over the course of their lifetime! Were the designers paid per feature? I love how the clock, arguably the most important bedside feature, is three inches in the air and angled toward the ceiling, so it's almost impossible to read without getting up. And good luck trying to answer that phone in the middle of the night without sending your iPod crashing to the floor.

Die, Flipper, Die

(Read with a giddy, girlie voice) "This unique Dolphin bottle opener makes the perfect wedding favor, because it comes with it’s own gift box, as shown here.You don't have to worry about anything, just place each dolphin gift box at each place setting or hand them out at the end of your wedding reception as you thank each guest for sharing your special day with you.Makes a perfect beach wedding favor idea gift for your wedding guest or if you have a beach theme party these dolphin bottle openers will make perfect keepsakes."

After I stumbled across this, I thought, "This looks very familiar." That's because I own one. So I ran to the kitchen and dug to the very bottom of my kitchen drawer and there it was. It looks a bit different now than when I got it. So much for the perfect keepsake.

You know, if it came down to using this embarrassingly ill-conceived bottle opener to open my beer or using my teeth, then I'll spring for the inevitable dental bill.

Loser Express

Santa's Flying Christmas Train Set will delight and entertain with its fabulous sound effects and moving flywheel on the engine. The engine and three cars circle the middle branches of your tree for a unique and active decoration. Easily attaches to the trunk of the tree with the included clamp. Works on real or artificial trees. 36" diameter.

Easily entertained? Slightly retarded? Check out the accompanying video for this waste of $40.00. Train Set. Things you'll discover:
a) the tree appears to have no branches, as they've all been bent out of the way so that the train can get through.
b) the tree can not be decorated, for the Flying Christmas Train Set demands center stage
c) Santa is nowhere to be found, nor is he "flying" anywhere.
d) you suddenly want to kill yourself by jumping in front of a real train

Lighting by CSI

Dress up any wall with this handcrafted glass sconce accented with glass crystals. Uses two tapers (not included). 10.5"W x 6"D x 20"T. $159.99

Give your home the look of a new crime scene with this fabulous wall sconce! Hanging glass crystals give the illusion of fresh blood pouring down the wall. Perfecty spooky for Halloween and Satanic rituals! And it's great for keeping pesky kids out of your house! Crime scene tape and corpse not included.

Just Use Your Sleeve

“Hand-painted ceramic angel all but hands out napkins. Glazed design based on those popular 50 years ago holds 16 paper or cloth napkins that form skirt. 6" x 8 3/4" high.”

The keywords here are "popular 50 years ago." This will no doubt appeal to the bored housewife with plenty of table space and a roaring Martha Stewart complex.

Oh, that dirty look your hostess just gave you? That's because she spent hours folding each of those napkins just so and you just grabbed one to wipe the grease off your mouth without telling her what a wonderful entertainer she is and now she's going to have a nervous breakdown and probably go into therapy because her Mom was never a great hostess and no one ever came over so they never had a Merry Christmas and Dad was a big drinker and used to hit them all the time, so they ran away, only to get caught by the police and brought back home to find Mommy passed out on the floor because it was her fault that you ran away and so Daddy beat her for it and used her good napkins to wipe the blood off his hands.

If It Ran On Batteries, It Would Be Perfect

Here are two new directions for the makers of the 3-in-1 kitchen to expand into.

Attention Slumlords! Tired of fielding complaints from your weekly tenants about the lack of a kitchen in your SRO? Sick of crude hotplates setting your run-down tenaments ablaze? ACLU up your ass about that broken boiler? Spruce up that boarding house or subsidized housing project and shut everyone up at the same time with the 3-in-1 kitchen!

Attention Tenants! Haven't paid the rent in a few months? Getting evicted? Maybe you're a felon on the run from the FBI? You'll need nourishment for the long haul. Don't miss a single meal with the 3-in-1 kitchen!

(kudos to my sister for giving me the idea for this)

Wimpy, Wimpy, Wino

"Silver-plated wine holder adds polish to your finest vintage or an everyday red or white. Opens easily for quick bottle replacement. 4"Dia. x 11.5"T. $50.00"

My eyes are bleeding. Are wine bottles really that cumbersome and heavy? Do they really need "polish"?

I'm surprised the folks at Horchow didn't claim something like: "Identical to those used in fine European restaurants" or "endorsed by the Pope."

I would love to be a fly on the wall when the drunken host or hostess tries to switch out the empty bottle for a new one. This is just another tragically designed "silver plated" piece of shit doomed to tarnish for eternity under the kitchen sink.

I'd Laugh Too--But For Different Reasons

They All Laugh Out Loud In this piece, Ngiri is seen running across the river hoping to meet more accepting playmates only to find that the other animals, with their beautiful markings and plumage, laugh at him too. 22" x 12" $13,500 (from the pretentious and overpriced Books of Wonder* website)

Alright, kids, Quiztime!
What valuable life lesson does They All Laugh Out Loud teach us?
a) Accept others for their appearance
b) Accept yourself for your appearance
c) If you can't do either, become an "illustrator" and make scads of money.
d) It doesn't matter that your toddler can't tell the difference between a $13,500 piece of "original art" and a Kinkos color copy.

(*Books of Wonder is the store that some asshole customer service rep at Barnes and Noble refered me to after she screwed up my special order)

P.S. - If you look closely, "Ngiri" is not running across the river. He/She/It is running on a patch of solid ground in the middle of the air. Lazy artist.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Lost In Translation (In New York)

Here is another one of the MTA's stupid "service announcements". Now, my Spanish is a little rusty, but I believe it says:

This is not a Dance Club.
Keep the stairs clear, jackass.

75% of people spontaneously break out into lame 1970's John Travolta dance moves on our staircases while heading for the train. This causes people to stop moving and put sunglasses on. We're concerned for your health. Your mental health.

It's Ugly, It's Pretentious--It Has An Expiration Date!

“This obelisk paperweight features a 2007 calendar and is a fitting year-end gift. Calendar measures 2" square x 6"T. $15.00”

Should you find yourself receiving this pretentious, stupid gift, do not panic. You may not be able to "accidentally" break it, and regifting could be problematic, but, after 2007, you can just throw it away because it will be even more useless than when you got it!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Scissors and Balls Not Included

From the IDIOTS at the Carol Wright catalog.

“Here's a fun, clever way to give money as a gift without using a gift card designed for money. Simply tape dollar bills together roll the bills up and place in the box. When the first bill is pulled, the other bills will come out in a seemingly endless stream! Perfect for birthdays, weddings, holidays, religious events and graduations. Box is 4 1/2" x 3 1/2". $1.99”

Weddings? Let's see, the typical cash wedding present is about $75-100--for starters. What kind of loser is going to sit there and tape 75-100 dollar bills end to end and have the nerve to present that as a gift? And I pity the recipient who doesn't have the balls to say, “Take this shit back and cut me a check,” but instead goes home to cut the bills apart. Why are there people out there who think that giving money is so boring that they need to make it "fun." It's money--cold hard cash. Trust me, no one will be bored receiving it. I certainly won't.

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Pre-Lit Piece of Shit

“These beautiful, pre-decorated and pre-lit Artificial Trees came out of their boxes mere seconds ago... complete with a bow topper too! As elegantly decorated as any of the Christmas trees you see in the prestigious storefronts of Manhattan's Fifth Avenue... but these 6' artificial pines won't take you a week to decorate! Just pull it out of the box, pre-decorated and looking gorgeous even when not plugged in. $169.99”

Really? This is an "artificial" tree? This ugly, flimsy, cone-shaped pre-lit piece of shit with wire innards is not real? I don't know what to say. Yes, I do.

Oh, come on. Who takes an entire week to decorate their tree? You'd have to be lazy and/or stupid. I can't wait to see that looks on people's faces a year from now, when those pre-installed lights fail, sending this waste of $170.00 straight to the garbage, where it belongs.

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Operation Ugly American

The Correspondent's Jacket
"This lightweight jacket has 18 pockets that organize travel essentials such as a passport, travelers checks, camera, film, maps, note pads, pen/pencils, GPS, iPod, or water bottle, keeping them close at hand for quick access. Removable sleeves unzip and store in a back pocket during warm weather. Made of soft 70% cotton/30% nylon and lined with moisture-wicking mesh, the jacket has reinforced stitching at stress points, adjustable cuffs, elastic waist, and durable zippers and snaps that keeps contents secure and wont break or snag cloth. $89.95"

Other ideas for the Correspondent's Jacket:
1) Wear it while driving around in your Hummer, for a more authentic look.
2) Take a spontaneous trip to some war-torn Middle Eastern region and play "reporter."

3) Start a local chapter of the Christiane Amanpour fan club.
4) Remove the sleeves and use them to hang yourself from the nearest tree.

Paper Shredder Not Included

THE COMPUTERLESS E-MAIL PRINTER. "This is the color inkjet printer that only requires standard AC power and a telephone line to automatically print spam-free e-mail and pictures from friends and family you designate, eliminating the need for a dedicated personal computer and high-speed internet connection. The low-profile printer calls the toll-free number of the included e-mail service daily, and downloads and prints any new messages, including full-color pictures waiting in your account. A monthly subscription service provides users with a private e-mail address that will not be shared with any advertisers or junk-mail lists. The printer monitors ink level and opens up for easy paper replenishment and standard inkjet cartridge replacement, and includes controls for volume and stop. Requires $9.99 monthly subscription service. 6" H x 14 1/2" D x 17 1/2" W. (12 lbs.) $149.95"

Obviously, this ugly, overpriced, 1980's sci-fi-looking piece of shit is geared towards the geriatric, computer-illiterate set. So unless Grandma turns it off or cancels the subscription service, she will have reams of ugly children's photos, chain letters and pointless, rambling stories to sort through when she comes back from her morning walk to the grocery store. She'll only be able to afford a single peach for dinner because the cost of ink and paper is cutting into her social security check. Shame on you, HP! Bastids!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

When Stage Mothers Attack

Kitten faces and charming paw prints adorn this plush, warm jacket. Cozy fleece jacket has a stand up collar and zipper front. Acrylic; machine wash. Made in USA.

Setting aside the fact that this is possibly the ugliest jacket in creation, take a look at the "mother and daughter" models in the photo. Not only do they have the same exact hair color AND style, they also have the same forced smile of a frigid Miss USA contestant. Scary. Note the cringe-worthy positioning of mommy's hand on little daughter's leg. I smell a stage-mother-cult-thing going on between them.

Makes a Great Gift --for Six Seconds

Rugby dog sweaters are made of Peruvian cotton with a pompon tail to keep your pooch warm. For sizing, measure body length from neck to tail. Choose from 10", 12", 14", or 16" lengths and Pink/Orange or Navy/Blue stripes. $75.00

And if you stick around long enough, this vicious little chihuahua will probably rip that overpriced $75 Peruvian cotton sweater with the pompon tail to shreds right before your eyes! The more I look at that picture, the less I believe it's real. They either:
a) photoshopped it
b) used a stuffed dog
c) froze it with a ray gun

One For The Road

Beer Mug Ornament is sure to please all the party animals on your holiday list. It's so realistically depicted that folks will want a sip! Sure to add a bit of froth to your Christmas tree, and guaranteed to receive cheers from those who get it in their stockings. Fun ornament also makes an eye-catching bar display. 2"H acrylic ornament comes with gold-tone hand cord.

Warning: Should you witness a friend or family member actually attempting to extract beer from this 2-inch plastic beer mug hanging on your Christmas tree, do not panic. Simply call them a cab back to their trailer park--and never speak of them again.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I Guess It's Coal For You, Then

Quiz Time!
Who is the most disturbed?

a) The sadistic elves who are assaulting Santa
b) Masochistic Santa, who's not putting up much of a fight and may be enjoying the abuse
c) The people pressing "SLAP" right now, just to get a ringtone
d) MySpace, for hosting this ad in the first place

Full of Hot Air

"Why didn't I think of that? 180s Glove and Ear Warmer Value Pack Warm Fingers with Your Breath! Our best-selling glove for men and women! Black waterproof nylon shell. Inject warm breath to warm fingers through flap-covered porthole. Thermolite insulation. Great for skiing, snowboarding and all winter activities. Sizes - Women's: S, M, L; Mens: M, L, XL. $44.99"

Why didn't I think of that? Because it's the most retarded, ill-conceived, overpriced contraption since the idiotic Pasta Express. Can you imagine giving this as a gift? Oh, thank you! Gloves to keep me warm! Wait, I have to do what? Blow into them? If anything, it's a great way to spread cold germs during the winter!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Cheaper Than A Nursing Home

"Mittens" Hat & Scarf Set! Bundle up with this flattering, fun set. Extra-warm fleece hat comes with a darling scarf that has two mitten ends for warming your hands! Great for keeping the cold under control. Polyester/acrylic; machine wash. Imported. Scarf is 60" long. $29.95

At first, I thought, "Flattering? Her hands look deformed!" Then I kept reading. The scarf and mittens are ATTACHED! It's brilliant! Keep senile Grandma from getting into trouble by restricting her movement! No more worries about her opening doors and wandering off!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


"PROTECT YOUR FAMILY DAILY FROM FLU, COLDS, AND GERMS!Did you know that you can get sick from your own toothbrush? It's true. When you have a cold or flu, your germs continue to live in the wet bristles even after you've recovered. Now you can sterilize your toothbrush daily - before, during and after any bout with a cold or flu. The OralTec sterilizes toothbrushes quickly, easily and safely using plain tap water to kill the germs and bacteria that cause colds, flu and a multitude of other infections. In just minutes the water poured into the chambers is heated to sterilizing temperature of up to 212 degrees F. You will be promoting good oral hygiene for your entire family by sterilizing your toothbrushes every time you brush. A must for every healthy home! $79.95"
Or, you could:
a) dip your brush in hydrogen peroxide (look it up)
b) boil your own hot water
c) use your spouse's brush
d) buy a dozen new brushes to last through the winter. It's still cheaper than buying this piece of shit.

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little

Your party table will be the center of attention and your guests will be delighted as your favorite beverage cascades into their cups from the Lighted Party Fountain. The liquid is pumped from the bottom bowl to the top where it cascades downward in a stunning waterfall effect from one tier to the next. The fountain is further enhanced by engraved-style accents designed to resemble finest cut glass. The lighted base changes colors creating a dazzling display!
This beautifully illuminated punch bowl party fountain is made of crystalline plastic and is safe and durable. Comes with eight 6 oz. cups. Hold up to 1 gallon. ETL approved. 22”H x 12” Dia. $49.95

Your party table will be the center of attention because no one will be able to believe you were stupid enough to spend money on this. One look at his hideous beast and the party is OVER. There are so many things that are just so wrong with this.

a) It's made entirely of cheap plastic
b) It's made to resemble the "finest cut glass"
c) It lights up. Puke.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to know what punch tastes like after it's been pumped through the cheap plastic innards of this thing for a few hours. And who the hell drinks punch anymore?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Works On Lovehandles, Too!

Hey, Ladies! Been naughty with the Christmas candy? No time to go to the gym? Can't afford that expensive Park Avenue surgeon? Then you need Perfect Profile! This miraculous new device will show results the INSTANT YOU USE IT! Skeptical? Just look at these incredible before and after photos! The results are so fast, that our model didn't even have time to move! (except to cut off her sideburns) Wow! Makes a great gift for your mother-in-law. Don't worry, she'll thank you later.

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Rock and Roll All the Way To The Unemployment Office!

The iSpot Chair. It's the answer to the question no one ever asked. "How can I be more obnoxious and distracting at work?" This waste of $200.00 has an iPod input jack and speakers built into the armrests of the chair so that you can "rock and roll" (I couldn't resist) at work. A great way to get fired! And you deserve it (after a lengthy beating with open staplers and computer keyboards first). I originally saw this in the Staples catalog, but the website says it's discontinued. I guess there really is a Santa!

That Was Stupid

Don't stress it - press it. Get your own Easy Button. Now there's an Easy Button for your business. Staples Foundation for Learning™ will donate proceeds of this product, up to $1 million, to Boys & Girls Club of America 2 AAA batteries included $4.98


Now, I'm all for charity, but Staples is going to have to do a little better than this. They should be so lucky to generate a million dollars in proceeds from this piece of shit. And what, exactly, does the easy button do? It needs batteries, but they're not telling us what for. Does it sing? Does it light up? Does it talk? Does it pretend fart? Does it magically clean up rooms and organize your life just like in the commercial? Of course not. Wait, I got it! It magically fills landfills. (and just a little sidenote, this was listed under Executive Gifts.)
Update: It seems that when pressed, the piece of shit says, "That was easy!" I have not been to my local Staples to witness this firsthand, because the ensuing rage would be too much to suppress.

Friday, December 08, 2006

No Thanks, I Just Became Lactose Intolerant

Solid Marble Cheese Slicer does the job neatly and precisely at any "serve yourself" occasion! Polished marble, a cool, natural stone, helps soft cheeses retain their shape even during long stretches at room temperature. Fine steel cutting wire is mounted in a chrome arm with marble handle to deliver neat portions every time. You'll love it for holiday buffets and year-round entertaining. Rubber feet protect surfaces. 8" L x 5" W. $9.98

Can you imagine how stupid you'll feel trying to use this device? Should you find yourself face-to-face with one, do not panic. Your host is probably:

A) a gadget freak
B) a control freak
C) incredibly cheap with the cheese
D) physically weak and easily taken down with an "accidental" shove

Also, unlike traditional knives, this stupid thing requires that the person cutting the cheese needs to touch the entire block with their other, germ-ridden hand in order to position it under the blade. If you're expecting a large group of guests, that block of cheese will probably be poisonous by the end of the night.

I'd like to hear from you readers out there! Do you or anyone you know own one of these cheese cutters? Please tell me where you live because I'd like to come over and beat you to death with it.

Pumps Your Wallet Dry!

Magical soap dispenser makes washing hands fun! Reach under the sprout and the no-touch infrared sensor will activate SOAP GENIE's dispenser as it plays a charming musical chime. Makes it fun for kids to wash their hands! No-drip innovation eliminates both waste and mess. Holds 24 oz. of soap, sunscreen, moistuizer of sanitizer. Stands 8" tall. Runs on 4 AA batteries (not included). Select white or black. Created by Sharper Image Design. $39.99

Sprout? God, how many copywriters can't be bothered to proofread their work first?

Here we go again! "Makes it fun for kids to wash their hands!" Yes, this is exactly what your home needs, the constant sound of this chime going off while your kids develop OCD from repeated handwashing. Eliminates waste? Lets see: uses 4AA batteries that will need frequent replacement, not to mention the liquid soap that it pumps out. Better open up some more credit cards! I think not, Sharper Image Design.

Bull Crap

"Toro is the new alternative to the ubiquitous floral print cardboard tissue box. Part paper weight, part portable hole, Toro is made of ultra-hygienic polished stainless steel. The ring leaves a lot to the imagination-Toro's simplicity is actually the result of a carefully engineered balance of weight and size; just right to let one tissue through at a time while staying firmly planted on the stack. Who'd have thought pulling tissues out could be this much fun? Careful- it's additive-you'll go through twenty before you notice! Dishwasher safe. 4". Award winning product."

Leave it to the invention channel to promote waste. "You'll go through twenty before you notice!" Oh, shut up. But beyond that, I have other issues:
1) It is polished stainless steel, yet dishwasher safe. Why would you need to put it in the brutal dishwasher? The most it should ever need is a quick rinse under the faucet. Unless you try using it other than as directed.
2) It's additive? Beyond the obvious typo, I imagine it's only addictive for visiting ADD-afflicted children, who will clog your toilet with the entire stack after knocking it to the floor while playing with it.
3) if you find yourself seriously entertained by this, then I'd like to recommend a nice book. Final Exit.

4) Award-winning product? What kind of award? Gullible Consumer Award? The Ha Ha We Got Em Plaque?

It's The Thought That Counts--Unless You're Thoughtless

Now, don't get me wrong here; if my pet died, I'd probably consider such a headstone, however morbid it might be. What's stupid is how this was listed in the "Gifts for Pets" section of the Lillian Vernon website. Yep, nothing says "Holiday Cheer" like a marble headstone. I'd imagine the scene goes something like this:

Clueless Friend: Merry Christmas! Just a little something to cheer you up.

Grieving Pet Owner: Oh, you shouldn't have! My God, this is heavy. What could it be? (paper rips open) Oh, MY GOD! (sobs uncontrollably)

Clueless Friend: What? Did I spell the name wrong?

Grieving Pet Owner's Husband: Maybe you'd better leave now.

Nutcracker Weak

Ladies, accessorize your holiday outfit with these frigid, sexless flat ballerina shoes. I'm stumped at the appeal of these, as if they will magically transform you into the ballerina of your pre-pubescent fantasies. And thank God for that "working bow," as if you'd never get these ugly shoes on your feet without it. Nice to know you get a discount for buying in bulk.

Hurts My Eyes

The latest style! Beautiful straw bags glittering with shimmering sequins. Fun for day, dazzling at night. Perfect for shopping in town or evenings out. Imported. Specify gold or black below. 18"W x 9"H.

Ladies, the holiday season is upon us and you know what that means--parties! Show em how it's done with these exquisitely garish straw-n-sequin bags (two more things that should never be combined) in Brutal Black and Gaudy Gold. While you're at it, take out a ruler and ask yourself if you'd like to be spotted partying with a bag that is eighteen inches wide. Guys, this makes a great Christmas gift for that crazy psycho girlfriend you’re trying to get rid of.

Only $4.99! Sorry, not available for layaway.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Leash and Muzzle Sold Separately

"This automatic cereal dispenser makes breakfast quick and easy!
With the automatic Breakfix Cereal Dispenser, fixing the day's first meal will never again be a messy, time consuming chore. Breakfix uses the same principles as a coffee-maker, dispensing pre-measured portions of cereal with a touch of a button -- no mess, no fuss. Controlled portions also help to keep pounds off. Looks great in your kitchen and cleans in a snap. A healthy gift for the whole family -- the kids will love it! 16-1/8"H x 8-1/3"W x 5-1/2"D.Optional batteries not included."

Fuckin' battery operated, too. But I digress. I love how they liken it to a coffee maker, when it's really closer to those pet food dispensers to keep your dog fed when you're away. Is there some kind of facial-recognition technology built in to keep fat kids from going back for seconds and thirds? Otherwise, fat chance teaching people portion control. And at $79.99, it's cheaper (and more fun) to just say, "Put that bowl down, you fat little son-of-a-bitch!" That'll teach 'em.

Don't go just yet. You MUST visit the webpage for this item.
Breakfix Cereal Dispenser. Why am I so adamant that you leave this page and go there? The video commercial for this product features some of the most painful-to-watch acting ever seen. I won't spoil the surpise, but let's just say these aren't "typical" of American kids. Warning: Commercial May Be Addictive and Distracting. Do Not Drive or Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching.

Cingular: Beating the Dead Horse

I know what you're thinking, gargantuan Times Square Cingular billboard: "Ha! He just slammed those dicks at T Mobile! We rule!" No you don't. The only thing that makes you only slightly less irritating is your oft-changed tagline. I've been keeping track of them since I see you every evening on the way home from work. This is what you've offered up so far:
  • He thinks you're talk to
  • Yesterday you smelled…nice
  • I just got canned...peaches
  • Take the turkey out at five...of four (I like this one. Visions of burnt turkeys and ruined holidays entertain me)
  • Don’t bother coming in…early
  • You've sure gained a lot...of respect

Now, everyone, do you understand what they are trying to say here? Not only will you drop your call at the absolute worst point in the conversation, but you will likely never be able to redial the number and correct the error. Lives will be ruined. Turkey will be burnt. Jobs will be lost. People won't necessarilly die--unless they have T Mobile.

T Mobile: Pro Life

The hidden message behind T Mobile's obnoxious new ad campaign is this: Everytime a call is dropped...someone DIES! And if they die, it's YOUR fault! Do you want that hanging over you for the rest of your life? Don't Drop Your Girl! Don't Drop Mr. Right! Don't Drop Grandma! Don't Drop Your Premature Baby with Down Syndrome and the deformed arm! Seriously, is this the best they could do since losing Catherine Zeta Jones? I'm so glad I have Verizon.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


"NEW! The king of all iPod docking stations!
Why do we call it the king? Because it's the only docking station made especially for the "throne" room. One-of-a-kind unit plays your iPod while also charging it, so you can take your music any-where (and we do mean ANYWHERE!). Includes a bath tissue holder - perfect for the man who has everything. Moisture-proof construction with four built-in speakers. Includes AC adapter. 8 1/4"L x 3 2/3"H x 7 1/2"D. arms fold when not in bathroom use. iPod not included. iCarta Stereo Dock $99.99"

The iPod. The toilet paper dispenser. Two items that I would have never mentioned in the same sentence—or even the same paragraph—until some idiot decided to Frankenstein them together into the beast you see here. This all-in-one bullshit has gone too far. Where is the integrated alarm clock and calculator? Can I plug my laptop into it? Is GPS available? I want to be the fly on the wall when someone drops their iPod into the toilet, though. That’ll teach ‘em.

When Plastic Attacks!

(I found this one in my office supply catalog)

“Halogen Gooseneck Desk Lamp with Fan. Adjustable gooseneck lamp features built-in fan with independent control switch. 5" diameter silver shade. Two-prong plug. Includes 20W halogen bulb. 19" High Black/Silver $50.00”

Let's see: disgustingly ugly sci-fi-inspired halogen lamp with a tiny, laughably underpowered fan that won't even blow the dust off your desk. No thanks, I’d rather do my work in the dark. For $50.00, you can get a better looking lamp, and a 10-inch fan. What a waste of good plastic. Great for 12 year-old boys, though.

So Now There's Crap on The Wall, Too!

Hidden Toilet Paper Holder Leaves Clean Lines in Bathroom.
Whether you have pets that play with toilet paper or just have a small bathroom with limited space, you'll appreciate the uncluttered simplicity of the Hidden Toilet Paper Holder, a flush-mount recessed cabinet that leaves only smooth lines on your bathroom wall. The tissue is readily available through the access door. Paint the plastic cover to complement your d├ęcor. Comes in white, shown painted brown. $29.99

Oh my God. I just can't take it anymore. Why are clean lines so critical in the bathroom? Are you hosting cocktail parties in there? Modern Art exhibits? If your bathroom is so small that roll of toilet paper is compromising your ability to take a shit, then I don't want to see the rest of your apartment. Notice how they've painted the wall and holder in a shade of brown that closely resembles the color of shit. (Subliminal warning, perhaps?) Gross. And I can guarantee that your dog or cat will figure out how to pry that flimsy plastic door open and roll away in no time.

It Wasn't Me, I Swear

Finally, A Decorative Litter Box You Don't Have To Hide!

"With its Tuscany handfinish, our new litter box looks like a real clay pot, complete with an attractive, artificial decorator plant. Simply turn the entrance to the wall and no one will know (if your cat doesn't tell)! This roomy, covered litter box is constructed of durable polypropylene with removable top section for easy filling and cleaning. A filtered and vented system helps to control odor and dust. Add a blanket or pillow and it can also be used as a secret bed instead of a litter box."

Sure, your guests won't know until little kitty takes a ferocious dump and bolts away, leaving a scattering trail of kitty litter and a stench that can peel the paint off the walls. Can you tell me how this is better than, say, putting the litter box in the bathroom? And at $129.99, the price stinks too!