Talking Scale Will Force You To Get Glasses

Can't see the scale readout? The ultra-chic, heavy-duty talking scale with wide 15" stable base tells you your weight the moment you step on it. Supports up to 550 lbs. Features easy to read LCD, two person programmable memory, tap on/auto off functions and low battery indicator. Requires 9V battery, not included. Tempered glass, 15 x 12 x 1". $49.98

I don't know about you, but if I weighed 550 lbs, I would be afraid of stepping on anything glass.

The "Weener Kleener" is Exactly What You Think It Is

A soap that makes the morning fun. A "stimulating" way for a man to maintain his personal hygiene. Satisfying one size fits most. "O" shape will make you ooh and ahhh over the sparkling clean results! Soap, 2 3/4" x 1".

WTF of the Year and it's only January.

At Home ATM Silently Mocks Your Financial Stupidity

At-Home ATM™ is always open for business as a fun and practical way to organize funds. Simply establish a PIN code for deposits and withdrawals, without a fee! Features coin recognition and electronic bill feeder. Screen displays updated account balance information. Requires three AA batteries (included). ABS plastic, 3 3/4 x 12 1/2 x 10". $39.99

Finally, a way to save money! And I only have to spend $39.99 PLUS shipping and handling PLUS the cost of AA batteries MINUS my self respect as type "1234" into a toy to get 5 dollars to buy lunch for work.

Perspective

Treasure Chest Opens to a Special Gift...a Guardian Angel! Bring a smile to a friend with this precious crystal angel tucked inside a lacy chest. When chest is opened, praying angel with golden accents delivers cheery words to brighten a day! Angel is 1 1/2" tall, chest is 2 3/4" x 2 1/2" x 2 1/4". Keepsake is truly a gift from the heart.

A gift from the heart? More like a gift from China. But I digress...

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but when I look at this, all I see an angel rising out of a coffin. (Your experience may vary)

The Ugliest Fucking Rain Boots Ever Created

Low Rider Rain Boots. French cowgirl rain boots? Yes! Sleek Western styling—check out those pull-tabs!—takes on an Impressionistic coloration in the coolest rubber rain boots we've ever seen. 2" stack-style heels. Imported. Women's medium-width whole sizes 6-10; half sizes, order next larger size. $49.95

Makes a great gift for that annoying, overly optimistic, fashion-backward shopaholic in your life.

Buck Shit

"I don't shoot INNOCENT animals... only the ones that look GUILTY!", effectively proving that all hunters have hearts of gold and are simply hunting for the greater good of mankind. Olive green in color, this comfy, 100% heavyweight pre-shrunk cotton knit tee is perfect for almost every occasion - It sports a signature Buck Wear emblem on the left chest, and with its tongue-in-cheek caption you will certainly be the center of attention.

If this doesn't get you featured on People of Walmart, then nothing will.

Tick, Tock, Shit, Clock

Silverware Kitchen Clock: Perhaps the most appropriate– and creative– kitchen clock ever! A perfect gift for anyone who loves to cook, the silver face is surrounded by silverware. Even the hands are a knife and fork. Metal/ plastic. Req. 1 "AA" battery (not included). 15"Dia. $14.99

Every time I see this type of clock, I imagine that it was originally a one of a kind $250,000 monster created by some snotty, high-end American designer with food issues in 1962 to make a statement about world hunger and silver mining.  After it ended up enshrined at the Museum of Modern Art, generations of fakes and imitators caused it to devolve into the world of $14.99 shitty Made-in-China clocks at websites like Collectors Etc.

Or maybe I've seen The Devil Wears Prada one too many times.

Regretsy Bait

Vines—leaves—blossoms! Intricate, handworked patchwork embroidery blankets the front of this folk-art hoodie, fitted with twin pockets and front zipper. 100% cotton. Hand washable. Imported. Color: Blue/Multi. Sizes: S, M, L, XL, XXL. (XXL) $59.95

This...is gag-tacular.

DETECTIVE: Can you describe what the robber was wearing?

BANK TELLER: It was some kind of... oh my God, it was horrifying. I can't!

DETECTIVE: Yes you can, just take your time. What was the robber wearing?

BANK TELLER: It was as if someone dyed a hooded sweat shirt too look like an ugly denim jacket and then covered the front with everything they could find from the fabric aisle at Michaels.

DETECTIVE: We will find this monster and put her away. You have my word.

Oooooh, Thports!

The most practical and useful gift to give to any die-hard NFL sports enthusiast. This three-piece rectangular plastic food container set features silicone rubber lids with clear see thru side walls. Your favorite teams logo decal sticker is centered on the top of each lid. Choose from 6 available teams: Steelers, Cowboys, Patriots, Giants, Jets, and Packers. Can be used to store food, or other items such as craft necessities, kids pens/pencils, or other odds and ends. Includes three sizes: Large: 9-1/4" x 6-1/4" x 3-1/4"; Medium: 8-1/4" x 5-1/2" x 2-1/2"; Small: 6-3/4" x 4-1/2" x 2". Lid is not safe for dishwasher or microwave - remove from bottom before heating. BFA Free.

Finally, now the men can play along when their wives are selling Tupperware.

Too Bad Moths Don't Eat Cotton

Daughter-In-Law Afghan tells the gal who captured your son's heart that she has a place in yours, too. Beautiful, soft woven throw features top-quality needlework, a colorful floral design, fringed border, and a loving sentiment she'll treasure always. 60" x 46". Made in USA of 100% cotton. $29.99

Linda: Hi, Melanie! Thanks for coming over!

Melanie: I'm so glad to see you again, it's been a while.

Linda: Oh my God. What the hell is that on your wall?

Melanie: Please. It's a daughter in law afghan.

Linda: A what-the-fuck what?

Melanie: Joe's mother caught me throwing out all the stupid sappy cards she kept sending me every other week, so this is my punishment.

Linda: (opens purse) Here's the number to my divorce lawyer.

Harriet Carter